I am looking for some advice. I've been given until Friday to fire someone who works for me. He is an okay guy, but not good at his job and has attitude/performance issues. We are letting him go before his 90 day probationary period is up.

I have never fired anyone before. How do you do it somewhat nicely?

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dcomposed:11-06-05: If I was a viking invading your village, you'd be the first to get raped.
Crabby: 10/5/06: i would love to feed you fresh fruit while bathing you.

Singing telegram.

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Batman created by Bob Kane

Make a comic that says he's fired.

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Poop.

Here is the script you must follow:

"Luke, this is an awkward topic to approach, but your performance in the areas of french fry cooking, pickle placement and super-sizing are lacking. We at Fattie Burger Inc. simply cannot afford to waste such a valuable position as Front Office Burger Manager on an unequivocally unproductive dee-dawdler as you.

I wish you success in all your future rapid restaurant server positions and hope you never feel too ashamed with yourself to beg me on bended knee for a reference. Please return your styrofoam cap and nametage, fill out a Job Vacancy Form at HR and clear out your locker by 4:00 p.m. today and no later."

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Ham-fisted ham fisting.

quote:

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Here is the script you must follow:

"Luke, this is an awkward topic to approach, but your performance in the areas of french fry cooking, pickle placement and super-sizing are lacking. We at Fattie Burger Inc. simply cannot afford to waste such a valuable position as Front Office Burger Manager on an unequivocally unproductive dee-dawdler as you.

I wish you success in all your future rapid restaurant server positions and hope you never feel too ashamed with yourself to beg me on bended knee for a reference. Please return your styrofoam cap and nametage, fill out a Job Vacancy Form at HR and clear out your locker by 4:00 p.m. today and no later."

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"I'm.. I'm sorry, we have to let you go. No, it's not the fact that you're gay. No, it's not that you hit on the other employees"
"It is"
"A bit."
"A bit."
"It's mainly that, well, three unexplained murders on your shift, and now the meat in the burger patties tastes funny."

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Do you want ants? Because that's how you get ants.

Think of this as the happiest day of your life. This is Fattie Burger for Christ's sake!

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"Jelly-belly gigglin, dancin and a-wigglin, honey that's the way I am!" Janice the Muppet

The first one is always the most difficult. The hardest by far are layoffs/downsizing because then you have to look at someone and tell them they don't have a job for no reason other than the company's mismanagement. The first time I had to do that, I got stinking drunk afterward. The second time I started looking for another job so I wouldn't have to do it a third time if it didn't happen to me first.

When it's for cause, it's easier, especially if you have hard facts that support your decision. Just remember, the decision has been made, there is no bargaining or room for reconsideration. In your case, you might actually be doing the guy a favour somewhat because he may know his performance sucks and is a nervous wreck that he's gonna get the axe--I've had situations like that, and the employees were actually relieved it was all over.

Your mileage may vary.

Update Your Resumes! by choadwarrior 7-08-03

So tomorrow, my friend Robert has to layoff the office crank. He's 39, and this is the first person he's ever had to fire. He asked me for advice because I've fired lots and lots of people--some even deserved it! I told him that he has to remain confident and remember that the decision has been made and he can't change it. Then I reminded him that unemployment is at a nine-year high... and that he's probably next.

quote:

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The first one is always the most difficult. The hardest by far are layoffs/downsizing because then you have to look at someone and tell them they don't have a job for no reason other than the company's mismanagement. The first time I had to do that, I got stinking drunk afterward. The second time I started looking for another job so I wouldn't have to do it a third time if it didn't happen to me first.

When it's for cause, it's easier, especially if you have hard facts that support your decision. Just remember, the decision has been made, there is no bargaining or room for reconsideration. In your case, you might actually be doing the guy a favour somewhat because he may know his performance sucks and is a nervous wreck that he's gonna get the axe--I've had situations like that, and the employees were actually relieved it was all over.

Your mileage may vary.

Update Your Resumes! by choadwarrior 7-08-03

So tomorrow, my friend Robert has to layoff the office crank. He's 39, and this is the first person he's ever had to fire. He asked me for advice because I've fired lots and lots of people--some even deserved it! I told him that he has to remain confident and remember that the decision has been made and he can't change it. Then I reminded him that unemployment is at a nine-year high... and that he's probably next.

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What exactly are the attitude/performance issues we're talking about here? If the guy is irritable and doesn't seem motivated then he's like 90% of us out there who have to get a job to pay the bills but hate what we do for a living. My predecessor got cut after his probationary period, but he was apparently goofing off a hell of a lot more than I get away with it would seem. I'm hardly a model emlpoyee, but then 80% of the time I lack the motivation to be one. I'm not in the ideal job. I could launch into a diatribe right now about my employers and my own attitude to work, but I'll skip that for another time.

Incidentally I thought this post was about electric guitars, initially. Hey, there's a thought:

"Dude, now you know you've been on probation these 90 days while we see if you're gonna fit in? Well, we're laying you off, but here's this cheery red Stratocaster knock-off to thrash on while you're sifting the Want ads at home."

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Please replace the handset, and try again.

I am just going to go right ahead and pretend I don't already know this thread is about firing someone and say -

The best way IMO to give him the axe would be in a hella cool presentation box. Velvet inlay (of course) with some carved gothic lettering on the lid of the box.
The box should be shaped like a small coffin and for extra bonus points spray the inside of the box with 'new-car scent'.

He will love you for it.

Hope I helped there.

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GOVT. Warning: Do not smoke around children they will badger you for fags.

Who is telling you to fire this person?
Tell them to do thier own damn dirty work.
Tell them they're all a bunch of chicken-shit middle-management desk jockeys.

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I was gonna send a robot back in time, but I got high.

The best way to avoid this is to make him leave of his own accord. Try laying a cable in his back pocket every day whilst he is not looking.
He will soon get the hint....

.....that you are a dirty, dirty bastard and start looking for new employment.

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GOVT. Warning: Do not smoke around children they will badger you for fags.

Giving someone the axe by jes_lawson 3-16-04

Now, Schwartz, you've only been with the firm a short time, but that doesn't make this any easier. Huh? We're going to have to give you the axe. Woah...let me just go and get changed first... Later... |o Keep on rockin' in the free world! o| Hey Schwartz, cut it out! Some of us have social security to collect!

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Please replace the handset, and try again.

Giving someone the axe by mmyers 3-16-04

Phil, I've got some bad news for you. Due to a mailing error, we received your doctor's results from your recent bloodwork. Oh? I'm afraid you're going to die. Not wishing to be held liable for your death or any fallout thereof, we're being forced to terminate your employment. Ohmygod, I'm going to die?! This is horrible. What will happen to my family?? I never planned for this day! *weep*weep* Heh, I was just kidding about the you dying thing, but you are fired. Have your desk cleared out by Friday and go out and enjoy the rest of your life. What?

Giving someone the axe (2) by mmyers 3-16-04

Hi Dave. Ba-Ba and I would like to talk to you about your employment and your future with the company. Um, I can see where this is going and I'd like to go ahead and put in my resignation. You know, Ba-Ba, giving people the axe has been a whole lot easier since you started coming with me.

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Peeing sitting down is the gift you give yourself.

Amateurs.

Again? by kaufman 3-16-04

Afterlife Central, this is Gabriel speaking, how can I help you? No, I'm sorry, you can't talk to him. You know the rules. He is dead, passed from this mortal coil 15 years ago. He is not permitted to interact with the living! I really don't care if you want to fire him, Mr. Steinbrenner, but if you keep calling to speak with Billy, I'll have no choice but to call in a plague of locusts on Yankee Stadium.

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

"You're fired."

If you don't want to go to all the trouble of buying an axe, you can make your own axe using ONLY items from around the office! Here's how!

MATERIALS:
1 Shoebox
A bunch of staples
2 or 3 rubber bands
1 toilet paper tube
1 thing of glue
Lots of pretty paint

DIRECTIONS

1. Cut a hole in the top, then staple paralell rubber bands over the hole
2. Cut a hole in the side and stick the toilet paper tube in, then glue it in place
3. Paint your guitar pretty colors! Remember: the glitzier the better!
4. Rock out!

Here's what your finished product should look like:

Both you and your friend will be ecstatic about it's lovely sound, and you'll both agree that it's the perfect substitute for a job anyway! Heck, maybe your newfound jobless bum can become a famous musician someday! When he's signing autographs and living the high life, he'll be sure to remember you.

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It's grime time.

Here's a real-life situation my colleague recently encountered and my solution:

Something's Rotten by choadwarrior 2-26-04

I have to write up a good employee because of poor hygiene, and I don't know how to do it. Soften the blow first by complimenting her, then explain how her grooming is affecting the office. What do I say in the memo? Dear Kay... Your performance doesn't stink, but you do.

Something's Rotten (2) by choadwarrior 2-26-04

Not only do I have to tell an employee she smells tomorrow, I have to fire another for excessive absences. Just kill two birds with one stone. How? Have a meeting with your entire staff and say, "Everyone who still works here, raise your hand." "Not you, Melissa; and Kay--you still work here, but we prefer you keep your arms down."

And DX, I wasnt offended by your comments. I know someone who suspects he was fired because he was gay because it happened a week after the word got out about him...I'm the squirrel in this one:

The Grass Is Always Browner by choadwarrior 7-09-03

So I got fired last week. Really, why? Well, the boss didn't like me, and then he found out I'm gay. Well, firing someone you don't like is still legal in California. Sometimes I wish I were black instead of gay, it would be so much easier. Yeah, then you'd never get hired in the first place because people could hate you without ever getting to know you.

How true.

Though, at my workplace, you pretty much have to be a black, retarded, albino, midget with alzheimer's disease who likes to hack up children before they would reconsider hiring you.

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Do you want ants? Because that's how you get ants.

That's why I keep getting rejected.

Dude, you fuck children, not hack them up.

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Do you want ants? Because that's how you get ants.

I hack them with my penis.

You have a masterful stroke.

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Do you want ants? Because that's how you get ants.

Fired! by MikeyG 3-17-04

Billy! Ssssh! Speak to no one about this! I've got sensitive, important news! Only you can help me with this! After I give you the task, you must complete it quickly! O-okay, boss. Billy, you're the only one I can trust with this information. The future of everything we know depends on your discretion. Can I count on you? Yes, sir. You have my utmost cooperation. What is it, sir? You're fired. Clean out your desk by 3:30 or I release the Doberman Indianburners. Yes, sir! I'll get on it right away! You can trust me, sir!

Fired again! by MikeyG 3-17-04

So you're letting me go? Is there anything I can do to make you guys reconsider? Well, Mr. Fneenbf, I suppose you could bend over, spread your cheeks, and take my meat missle. Well, I really need this job, so...I guess I'll do it, sir. Let me pull out my cranny hunter. ZZZZzzzzzip.....*squooorlch* *Ow!* Hey, waitasec...I don't recognize you! Aaaaaah. Oh, I'm here to fix the copier. But I DID hear your boss talking about firing you. Hey, tough luck, man.

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The giant three-phallused phallus of Uzbekistan will one day squirt the cosmic jizz of revenge all over Canada.