Oui Oui Roast by kaufman 7-18-04

Scientist Erich von Stroheim announced today the invention of a time machine. He says he will use it for humanitarian purposes, rather than personal gain. I will fight famine in the past by sending food to times of need. We already have time-lifted one sponsor's product to medieval Europe. Coming up next, the surprising discovery of a 600 year-old time capsule in France containing a note from Joan of Arc's captors thanking the Stay Puft Marshmallow company.

Maybe top it off with some Miracle Whip? by kaufman 7-19-04

We have a famine in first century Israel, and I was wondering if Pillsbury would like to help out by donating some bread. Yes, we've already got Mrs. Paul's seafood on board. We'll pass your loaves and their fish to the movers and shakers of that era. His holiness, Pope John Paul II was not available for comment.

The End by kaufman 7-19-04

Good evening. This is the Friday night news. Today, Dr. von Stroheim, with the help of the Hormel Meat company struck again. He sent back in time 1000 tins of Spam to the 19th century cave in which the ill-fated Donner Party was about to seek shelter for the winter. Good evening. This is the Saturday night news. Today, without any explanation, Dr. Erich von Stroheim destroyed his time machine.

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

hahaha!!

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xx( o Y o. )xx

I confess I don't really get the third one. But I love the second one.

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The what mentioned above is total fiction. Please don't take it seriously!

I have to admit that I don't get that third one either.

The second one was hilarious, though.

It's simple. He sent a bunch of Spam back in time to the Donner party and then destroyed his time machine so that they couldn't use it to escape into the 21st century and kill people to make more Spam out of them. But his plan backfired because the surviving Donner party members passed the story down all the way to their modern-day descendants, who attempted to take over Dr. Von Stroheim's time machine because they knew he was going to destroy it, and they planned to go back and bring their ancestors into the 21st century after all so that they would finally get to satisfy their voracious cravings for human Spam, or, as they called it, "Hu-mam." But Dr. Von Stroheim knew that the Donner party descendants would know when he was going to destroy his time machine, so he went back in time and destroyed it a day earlier, and then the next day when they showed up he probably called the police but I doubt if he would be able to prove anything so the police probably let them off with a warning.

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Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.

Personally, I think the third one is the best of them all.

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The giant three-phallused phallus of Uzbekistan will one day squirt the cosmic jizz of revenge all over Canada.

I don't think I could explain things better than biped.

But maybe this will help.

By Popular Demand: Interlude with the Donner Party by kaufman 7-23-04

It's a horrible blizzard. We'll starve. Ho, I see a cave. We can ride out the winter. We're gonna starve, unless ... Look, somebody left a ton of spam in here. We're saved! Woohoo! I can get a mortgage at 1.5%. No more erectile disfunction for me; I'm getting generic Cialis.

Or maybe not.

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

I'm never eating a Donner Kebab again.

Also, what would an expedition party do with a thousands tins of ads for cheap generic Viagra?

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Please replace the handset, and try again.