No, this has nothing to do with my life...why would you say that? Stop staring at me!!!

Okay, say you're this guy and you've gotten the idea that a young, talented, and cute coworker that you just barely met is interested in dating. What would be your reaction to receiving the following calls and which would be the most believed?

1. "This shouldn't go any further. I'm a lesbian."
2. "I'm already seeing someone."
3. "My vows don't permit me to date."
4. "I'm not interested. It's not you, it's me. Wait, it is you. Sorry."
5. "I have a full plate right now. I can't take on anything else."
6. "Frankly, the thought of you sickens me. I'd rather date Kajun."
7. "I'm really sorry, but I can't make it tonight. I don't think I'll ever be able to make it; there's just too much going on right now and I don't have the time or energy for anything more."
8. I prefer dead men.
9. "I'm a Pisces, really don't like people which is why I choose to live alone with my cats, and the only way I'll ever be happy is if I could kill all but a few thousand people on the planet and even those people will have to leave me alone most of the time."
10. "No. Just...no."

8 is right out -- he'd probably buy you a dozen cadavers.

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

9 all the way.

I would also like to write in an 11th option:

"Sure! I'd be glad to! All you have to do is pierce your asshole, take daily face poundings from me, and stay up late for the casual necrophilia! Oh, and we're going to need to burn those eyebrows off."

Though that would solve my dilemma of where to find spare parts.

I'd vote for number 9, because it sounds like "Turn Me On, Dead Man" when played backwards.

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I has a flavor!

Possible Number 11

"I'd love to go out with you. Let's see... I should be ovulating by this weekend, pick me up at 5:43 a.m. on Saturday."

quote:

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Possible Number 11

"I'd love to go out with you. Let's see... I should be ovulating by this weekend, pick me up at 5:43 a.m. on Saturday."

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quote:

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quote:

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Possible Number 11

"I'd love to go out with you. Let's see... I should be ovulating by this weekend, pick me up at 5:43 a.m. on Saturday."

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HAHAHA!!! Now that would even chase ME away, and I tend to be a persistent muhfucker.

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quote:

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No, this has nothing to do with my life...why would you say that? Stop staring at me!!!

Okay, say you're this guy and you've gotten the idea that a young, talented, and cute coworker that you just barely met is interested in dating. What would be your reaction to receiving the following calls and which would be the most believed?

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11. "I only date gay men."

It's the contradiction that makes it funny!

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Poop.

quote:

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11. "I only date gay men."

It's the contradiction that makes it funny!

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quote:

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quote:

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11. "I only date gay men."

It's the contradiction that makes it funny!

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That's brilliant! I'll have to remember that one for another time.

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13. Okay, but you have to wear these roach clips on your scrotum during the date.

I promise I would say no. Go ahead and try me.

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"Jelly-belly gigglin, dancin and a-wigglin, honey that's the way I am!" Janice the Muppet

or...

14. "After Spankling, no other man will ever do."

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Poop.

I say you combine 1 and 14.

"After Spankling I became a lesbian."

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It's grime time.

You just said the magic words. I'll bring the camera.
(do you really expect anything less from a guy?)

What's your man got to do with me?
I'm not tryin' to hear that, see.

Neither do mine. Let's go straight to the sex.

Is it my breath? It is, isn't it. My zits? My nose? WHAT IS IT, YOU HEARTLESS BITCH??!!???

Baby, there's always room for seconds.

That IS pretty bad.

Energy? You can just lay there while I shag you, I'm not picky.

I've been told I've got the breath of a dead man.

Everybody's gotta get laid, sweetie.

These Toad the Wet Sprocket tickets say otherwise, mama. Gimme some sugar.

Also,

15. We can date only if your promise to scrape off my manky vagina flakes every night.

16. Flastur bunko zmedsky funt quopnus unkshit conklutz verpine wuggle vizzy poop.

I guarantee you leave that last one on his answering machine/voice mail you'll never hear from him again.

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The giant three-phallused phallus of Uzbekistan will one day squirt the cosmic jizz of revenge all over Canada.

1. "This shouldn't go any further. I'm a lesbian."

-- Regardless of whether you're lying, I'm going to start trying to check out hot chicks with you. If you fail to appreciate hot chicks, the lie is exposed.

2. "I'm already seeing someone."

-- Whether you're lying or not, I personally would stop right there.

3. "My vows don't permit me to date."

-- You're lying, and you've taken me for an idiot.

4. "I'm not interested. It's not you, it's me. Wait, it is you. Sorry."

-- You're an ass. I'd be sure to remember that if you ever needed a favor. (You never know, honestly)

5. "I have a full plate right now. I can't take on anything else."

-- When I read this, I kept envisioning a woman in full plate armor saying this... if you use that line, try to actually *be* wearing full plate armor for maximum effect. Otherwise, it's just a lame cop-out.

6. "Frankly, the thought of you sickens me. I'd rather date Kajun."

-- If I were from Louisiana, I might be even more confused.

7. "I'm really sorry, but I can't make it tonight. I don't think I'll ever be able to make it; there's just too much going on right now and I don't have the time or energy for anything more."

-- See #3, add a dash of #5.

8. I prefer dead men.

-- Ah, she's a goth chick.

9. "I'm a Pisces, really don't like people which is why I choose to live alone with my cats, and the only way I'll ever be happy is if I could kill all but a few thousand people on the planet and even those people will have to leave me alone most of the time."

-- Great, me too! Except that I'm not a pisces.

10. "No. Just...no."

-- Fine. Geez, testy today.

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quote:

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and which would be the most believed?

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quote:

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Possible Number 11

"I'd love to go out with you. Let's see... I should be ovulating by this weekend, pick me up at 5:43 a.m. on Saturday."

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She says: "This shouldn't go any further. I'm a lesbian."
I say: So am I.

She says: "I'm already seeing someone."
I say: "That's right baby, you're seeing me. I'm right in front of you. Giggidy-giggidy-giggidy."

She says: "My vows don't permit me to date."
I say: "Vows? Phfff, I made some vows once. That doesn't keep me from dating."

She says: "I'm not interested. It's not you, it's me. Wait, it is you. Sorry."
I say: "Wait, so you are interested in me?"

She says: "I have a full plate right now. I can't take on anything else."
I say: "I'm not a plate, baby. I'm a tasty side order. Meow."

She says: "Frankly, the thought of you sickens me. I'd rather date Kajun."
I say: "That can be arranged."

She says: "I'm really sorry, but I can't make it tonight. I don't think I'll ever be able to make it; there's just too much going on right now and I don't have the time or energy for anything more."
I say: "I can wait. I'm patient."

She says: "I prefer dead men."
I say: "I'm clammy. Isn't that enought for you?"

She says: "I'm a Pisces, really don't like people which is why I choose to live alone with my cats, and the only way I'll ever be happy is if I could kill all but a few thousand people on the planet and even those people will have to leave me alone most of the time."
I say: "I'm a Cancer, which makes me a clingy home body."

She says: "No. Just...no."
I say: "Well...I can't really argue with that."

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Peeing sitting down is the gift you give yourself.

1. "This shouldn't go any further. I'm a lesbian."
Prove it

2. "I'm already seeing someone."
Is he flammable?

3. "My vows don't permit me to date."
Who said anything about dating?

4. "I'm not interested. It's not you, it's me. Wait, it is you. Sorry."
Yeah, and this is me too, go on, touch it *wiggle wiggle*

5. "I have a full plate right now. I can't take on anything else."
Just keep on eating, I'll use the other end

6. "Frankly, the thought of you sickens me. I'd rather date Kajun."
Scroe!

7. "I'm really sorry, but I can't make it tonight. I don't think I'll ever be able to make it; there's just too much going on right now and I don't have the time or energy for anything more."
What you need is an injection of protein

8. I prefer dead men.
You life stiffs?

9. "I'm a Pisces, really don't like people which is why I choose to live alone with my cats, and the only way I'll ever be happy is if I could kill all but a few thousand people on the planet and even those people will have to leave me alone most of the time."
Sorry, what? I was too busy checking out your tits

10. "No. Just...no."
La la la la la, not listening...

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Dad was flammable

quote:

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She says: "I'm already seeing someone."
I say: "That's right baby, you're seeing me. I'm right in front of you. Giggidy-giggidy-giggidy."

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