Flip Flop by CHUBBY 10-03-04

Republicans are against abortion, right? Vice-President Quayle, if abortion was illegal here, what would you do if your daughter, Sanquentin Quayle, was knocked up by a big, uncircumcised black rapist? She's always wanted to visit Switzerland. In fact, I better get her to bone up on her Swiss. Republicans are against stem cell research, right? I'm sorry, Mrs. Reagan. There's nothing more we can do but try to make him comfortable. If only stem cell research was legal-- Oh yeah? GET THOSE LITTLE BASTARDS OUT OF THE FREEZER! I'LL THAW THEM IN THE MICROWAVE MYSELF IF I HAVE TO! SO WHAT IF RONNIE'S 124 YEARS OLD! Republicans are against gay marriage, right? My daughter, Mary Cheney, is a lesbian, and I wouldn't want her to have to have a marriage of convenience with a rich white guy and be miserable all her life. Like her mom. Like me. If you're two-faced, why would you wear that one?

A thousand clones by CHUBBY 10-13-04

The first lady appears on Larry King Live... My husband is the first president who has authorized funds for stem cell research. Sometime earlier, at Bethesda Naval Hospital.... The bad news is, your liver is completely shot from years of alcohol abuse. The good news is, you can survive if we find an organ donor who's a match. I know where I can get one. The next day, in a shed on a ranch in Crawford, Texas.... Hey, George Cloney! Hehe. I got some good news and some bad news. You really suck.

A thousand and one clones by CHUBBY 10-13-04

Dubya returns to Bethesda Naval Hospital with his reluctant liver donor.... Hey doc, meet George Cloney. I use him for spare parts. Like you might have a second car up on blocks in your yard. Good heavens. He's not much like you, is he? No, they tell me it was that way with the clones of sheep and such too. It's like a photocopy. They're never as good as the original. No, I was going to say it's an improvement.

A thousand and two clones by CHUBBY 10-13-04

Don't worry, you won't feel a thing. I won't? No. When you wake up, it'll all be over and you'll be in a bathtub full of crushed ice. But we've got to work fast because of the-- Who turned out the lights? STEM CELL LIBERATION ARMY! STEP AWAY FROM THE CLONE!

A thousand and three clones by CHUBBY 10-13-04

Nancy Reagan and the SCLA have rescued George Cloney from the clutches of the evil Doctor... How can I ever thank you for saving my life? Just say no. Now, let's get out of here! Elmer, cover us! Wight. I got your back. Hahahahaha! What in the wide, wide world of sports is goin' on here? DUBYA! Hey, quit it out!

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"We're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably more than she ever did." Groucho Marx

A thousand and four clones by CHUBBY 10-13-04

As Nancy Reagan and the SCLA are escaping, they are surprised by Dubya, and the SCLA shoots at him! Suddenly, a familiar figure appears.... I'm in charge here! Beat it, Haig. This has nothing to do with you. Dick, what should we do about Dubya? Hey guys, I'm ok. He didn't hit any vital organs. Mebbe my heart and my brain, but that's all. Dubya's delirious. I want you to escort his ambulance to Cryptofascistco, stat!

A thousand and five clones by CHUBBY 10-14-04

Our top story on Faux News: George Cloney has been rescued and brought to the White House, where we are told he is being interrogated by Acting President "Dick". And the mystery continues... where is Dubya? So, Tony, you think that since George Cloney has the same genetic makeup as Dubya, the Constitution would say he is president? And the Court will back you up? Absolutely, "Dick". Now, someday-- and that day may never come-- I will ask you for a favor. Meanwhile, at Cryptofascistco.... Hey! Who does a fella have to fuck around here to get a hot toddy?

A thousand and six clones by CHUBBY 10-14-04

Our top story on Faux News: George Cloney has been named Acting President by the Supreme Court in a surprise ruling. That's right, Bob. And the new incumbent and his running mate, "Dick" have jumped ten points ahead in the polls. "It's clone-mania! Now all the candidates are trying to position themselves as a non-humans........ 'Dick':............. Senator John Kerry: I've got so much hardware in me, I'm bionic. The six million dollar 'Dick'. I'm an android. Nader..............Senator John Edwards:" I'm an alien. But you knew that. I'm from North Carolina.

A thousand and seven clones by CHUBBY 10-14-04

Later that night, in the Lincoln Bedroom.... Hello. You must be George Cloney. I'm Laura. Your wife. They said you don't look anything like Dubya, but I see a resemblance. There's one more thing I want to check, though. (ZIP!) OH MY GOD, THERE'S NO RESEMBLANCE THERE!

A thousand and eight clones by CHUBBY 10-14-04

Meanwhile, at Cryptofascistco in Columbia, MD. The changing of the guard.... Busy night? Nah, it's dead. You can probably go in the back and take a nap. They've really beefed up security since that SCLA break-in. Yeah. The only thing that we have to watch for is a blackout. Later that night.... Now what?

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"We're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably more than she ever did." Groucho Marx

A thousand and nine clones by CHUBBY 10-14-04

The next morning.... Do you know what's really going on in this country? Sure, I read the Washington TIMES and I watch the Faux News Channel. The economy, Iraq, the war on terror-- everything seems to be going well. That's what I was afraid of. You're so sweet and innocent. But I think you should know what's really going on, so I rented FAHRENHEIT 9/11. Two hours later.... Holy shit....

A thousand and ten clones by CHUBBY 10-14-04

Later that day, at the Cabinet Meeting.... Congratulations Mr. President! Yes, congratulations! Rummy, Ashcroft, Condi-- you're all fired. You too, Colin, and that idiot son of yours. Security will escort you out. Your offices have been sealed by US Marshals and prosecutions will be forthcoming. Thank goodness you got rid of them, Mr. President. I-- I can't fire you, "Dick". But you're off the ticket.

A thousand and eleven clones by CHUBBY 10-14-04

I can't believe it. Fired by a clone. This is more humiliating than losing an election to a dead guy. Don't you worry. I fixed his wagon. There's a bomb in the Oval Office. It's set to go off in a few minutes. Then I'll be president, and all you guys are back. BWAHAHAHAHAHA! BWAHAHAHAHAHA! "DICK"! MY OFFICE! NOW! Uh oh.....

A thousand and twelve clones by CHUBBY 10-14-04

Dubya! You're OK! Course I am! I just faint like a woman when I hear gunfire. That's why I got out of the draft. I'm a big puss. Now-- my office! I have a dick to pick with you, Bone. But Tony "The Weasel" Scalia ruled that George Cloney is the president! Well I got him to unrule it out. Are you gonna come along to my office peacefully or do I have to get the Secret Service? Can't we talk out here? Pleeeeease? You heard the man. Oval Office. Now!

A thousand and thirteen clones by CHUBBY 10-14-04

OK, Cloney. I'm back. You're out. I don't even need you for spare parts, what with fresh meat bein' shipped in from Iraq every day. Beat it. Now, "Dick", siddown. I want to have a long talk with you. Oh, shit.....

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"We're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably more than she ever did." Groucho Marx

A thousand and fourteen clones by CHUBBY 10-14-04

So George Cloney walked the streets, just another man now jobless and homeless thanks to the Dubya administration. Lost in thought, he bumped into a young woman.... Sorry. Perdonnez-moi. Are you French? No, silly. That's Swiss. You're kinda cute. THE BEGINNING?????? Wanna get married? OK. What's your name? I'm Sanquentin Quayle.

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"We're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably more than she ever did." Groucho Marx

BOO!