WW 31: S'more Mounds by CHUBBY 12-02-04

Honey, have you been cheating on your diet? No, of course not. Why? Aha! You have! I can smell the chocolate on your breath! I was just trying to help split our Hershey stock. Or your jeans.

WW 31: A lifetime on the hip by CHUBBY 12-03-04

Have you been cheating on your diet? No, of course not! Yes you have! I smell the chocolate on your breath! OK, I did, but only because they were Hershey's Limited Editionsâ„¢.

Cheerios milk 'n' cereal bars by CHUBBY 12-03-04

I was fat when you met me. I was fat when we got married. I was fat when we started having sex. I was fat when you first told me you loved me. Shoulda kept my mouth shut. What? Nut 'n' honey.

Maid of Chocolate by CHUBBY 12-03-04

I don't know what the big deal is. I was fat when you married me. Yes, I remember. You were bigger than all the bridesmaids. It doesn't matter if the bride is bigger than all the bridesmaids. Put together?

Godiva by CHUBBY 12-03-04

Remember when we were dating? What about it? You used to buy me huge boxes of gourmet chocolate. We'd sit there and stuff our faces until we were almost sick. I remember. What changed? I wanted to look at you naked without throwing up.

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"We're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably more than she ever did." Groucho Marx

Snickers by CHUBBY 12-03-04

When we were dating, you used to take me out to dinner. You used to serve me breakfast in bed. You used to buy me candy. Now you make me diet. Why? Well, it's like that old saying. What old saying? "Starve a wife, feed a lover."

Milky Way by CHUBBY 12-03-04

What did you ever see in me when I was fat? Are you kidding me? You were bright. Young. Funny. Successful. Cute. Oh, I thought it was because of my boobs. God, I miss them.....

P-B Cups by CHUBBY 12-03-04

(SIGH) I really do miss having big boobs. I really do miss your having big tits, too. Now even my little sister's boobs are bigger than mine. I'll say. Holy cow! She's preggo, for god's sake! Hey, maybe you could get a job as a wet nurse.

Milk Duds by CHUBBY 12-03-04

I never used birth control when I was fat. Yes, you did. Your fat butt. But we could probably have a baby now. If you want. But having a baby would ruin your figure. I'd diet and exercise and get my weight back down. I mean the big milk cans and preggo belly.

Zero by CHUBBY 12-03-04

Why is it your sister was always slim and you were fat? I guess we had different ways of dealing with our situation at home. I overate and got fat. My sister was anorexic. She almost died. I wish you could get anorexic. What? Just for a week or two! Is that so wrong?

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"We're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably more than she ever did." Groucho Marx

Sugar Mama by CHUBBY 12-03-04

I didn't have to marry you. There were others. Who? Darnell Jefferson? Darnell loved me. Darnell had no job, no money, no prospects. Black guys like that hook up with fat white chicks and mooch off them in exchange for companionship. It's a symbiotic relationship. How is that different from you? Well, for one thing, I'm white.

Lindt by CHUBBY 12-03-04

You were a virgin when I met you! Was not! Yes you were. You had no idea what you were doing. You were just taking a shot in the dark. You said it was good for you! Well, you were so proud of yourself. And happy. I didn't have the heart to tell you that you were in my belly button. I wondered what that stuff was on my dick.

Special Dark by CHUBBY 12-03-04

I don't know what you ever saw in Darnell anyway. I mean, take away his looks, his physique, his charm, his ..... ..... his lovemaking, his 12-inch-- Exactly! And whaddya got! You! Exactly! Hey!

Dude, where's my..... by CHUBBY 12-03-04

No, Darnell was a lot of fun, but he was totally unreliable. I knew you were the one from that first night. You did? Yes. You came back and asked if you could stay the night. It was so cute. My parents would have disowned me if I'd married a black man. I lost my car keys in your backfat.

A Box of Chocolates by CHUBBY 12-03-04

If you want to know what happened to Darnell, why don't you just Google him? You don't mind? Of course not. Don't be stupid. Hey, I got a hit..... Today on SPRINGER-- "I'm a Straight Black Male Who Enjoys Having Sex With Other Straight Black Males". Please welcome my first guest, Darnell Jefferson! SHUT UP BITCH, AND BEND OVER!

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"We're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably more than she ever did." Groucho Marx

Open Wide for Chunky by CHUBBY 12-03-04

OK, OK, stop laughing. You gotta admit that it's pretty funny. That he's gay. Yeah, but you gotta admit it explains a lot. Like what? How he got so good with his tongue.

Tootsie Roll by CHUBBY 12-03-04

Black guys don't go down on girls. Darnell did. He was wonderful at it. Why? He said I was too big to have sex. I didn't know any better. Then I would reciprocate on him. OK, TMI. I used to practice on those giant salamis from Little Italy.

Mon Cheri by CHUBBY 12-03-04

Wait-- if Darnell said you were too fat, when did you-- We didn't. You said-- I just let you believe what you believed. You were so cute and jealous. And you said you didn't want a virgin. Didn't want all that pressure. So-- you're saying I'm the only man you've ever had sex with? No, I'm just saying you were the first.

The Fat of Life by CHUBBY 12-03-04

What's so funny? I just found your old high school yearbook picture on Classmates.com! You were fat! AND a geek! HAW HAW HAW HAW! OK, let me try and find yours. Go ahead. I don't care. Oh, there you are! But where's Blair? And Tootie? And Mrs. Garrett? Eighties trivia for $100, Alex.

Too Hip for the Room by CHUBBY 12-03-04

Look, here's our honeymoon photos! Ugh. Don't remind me. But this was what you wanted to do-- go to one of those places that had heart-shaped tubs. That was when I decided to lose weight. Look, there's the firemen trying to free you!

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"We're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably more than she ever did." Groucho Marx

Baby Ruth by CHUBBY 12-04-04

I can't believe how fat you were in high school! That's just baby fat. What happened? Well. I-- Did you give her up for adoption?

Whitman Sampler by CHUBBY 12-04-04

Did you get teased a lot in school for being fat? Yeah. And beaten up. What did you do about it? Well, I was going to become a sniper, but I got too winded climbing the steps to the tower.

White Chocolate by CHUBBY 12-04-04

When did you first fall in love with me? I loved you the first moment I saw you sitting there at the bar. Aw, that's sweet. On two stools. You can be nice sometimes, you know that?

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"We're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably more than she ever did." Groucho Marx

Sugar Plums by CHUBBY 12-26-04

You're not dressed yet? We have to go to church in a couple minutes! Do I have to? Yes! My parents will be there, and my sister, and her husband, and their baby. It is a Christian holiday, you know. Not originally. It used to be an old pagan holiday. See, there ya go. It ought to be right up your alley then, you being an old pagan and all.

Ex-Lax by CHUBBY 12-26-04

I just think it's a bad place for you to go. All the women in church have eating disorders. They're either 15% underweight or 150% overweight. My mother and my sister will be there. See?

Boxing Day: Heavyweight Division by CHUBBY 1-14-05

..... and so my New Year's Resolution is to spend less time at work and more time with you. How about you, honey? Did you make any New Year's Resolutions? Yes, I'm going to help you lose those last pesky five pounds. Resolved: To watch out for that deadly left hook.

Boxing Day: Bert Sugar by CHUBBY 1-14-05

What is this diet you want me to go on, anyway? Just cut out carbs. OK. No sugar for you tonight, honey.

Boxing Day: Hershey's Milk Shake by CHUBBY 1-14-05

Why don't you want to see my sister anymore? I thought the two of you were friends. So did I. But since she had the baby, she's been-- distant. Oh. Won't even let me watch her breastfeed.

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"We're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably more than she ever did." Groucho Marx

Boxing Day: Goobers by CHUBBY 1-14-05

How come you don't want me to spend time with my family? Because they're always trying to fatten you back up. Without you fat, they have nothing to talk about when you're not there. That's not true. They have a lot to talk about. Oh yeah? Like what? You.

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"We're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably more than she ever did." Groucho Marx

The skinny cow by CHUBBY 1-20-05

No, of course not! Don't be stupid! But you're always bragging that your family is descended from Henri Nestle. Yes, but that doesn't mean my sister nurses her baby with Quik!

Mars by CHUBBY 1-20-05

Why are you always nagging me about my weight? Didn't you vow to love me through thick and thin? Yes, but not back again.

Almond Joy's got nuts-- Mounds don't by CHUBBY 1-20-05

(*Sigh) I do miss my big boobs. Remember you used to call them my Mounds? Yeah. Now they're more like Almond Joys.

SweeTart by CHUBBY 1-20-05

Why won't you come to dinner with my folks at my sister's? Hmm, food I don't eat AND people who detest me? Sounds like a winning combination. She likes you! No she doesn't. If she's going to be nasty, then I don't have to hang out with them. What if I talk to her about being nice? Are you kidding? This is the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me.