Christmas Carols suck, and we all know it. There hasn't been a new one in like 30 years and even the old ones sucked from the get-go. Here's where you post some skewed-ass versions of these old songs, just to spice 'em up a bit:

[center]Oh, your mom's leather hide is frightening
And my sense of discomfort is heightening
Makes me wonder how far I'll go
For a blow, for a blow, for a blow.

This nightmare shows no signs of stopping
And the sweat on my brow I've been mopping
I should have just hired a 'ho
For a blow, for a blow, for a blow.

Seven dollars just don't seem right
This succubus has demon horns
But her toothless mouth seems tight
Still, I wish I was home watching porn.

Escape I shall now be trying
I'm on the verge of crying
Now my spirits are so damn low
For a blow, for a blow, for a blow.[/center]

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The giant three-phallused phallus of Uzbekistan will one day squirt the cosmic jizz of revenge all over Canada.

here's a new christmas carol:

Mikey is gay
Mikey is gay
Mikey is really gay

Mikey is gay
Mikey is gay
Jesus Mikey is gay

---
Batman created by Bob Kane

and another one:

i fucked your mom
and it was fun
I fucked your mom
In the bum
I fucked your mom
And it was fun
I fucked your mom
On christmas

---
Batman created by Bob Kane

quote:

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here's a new christmas carol:

Mikey is gay
Mikey is gay
Mikey is really gay

Mikey is gay
Mikey is gay
Jesus Mikey is gay

---

I saw mommy tonguing Santa's balls
underneath his missile late last night
She didn't see me flee
down the stairs to take a pee
But I saw her inflating Santa's 7-inch weenie

Yeah, I saw mommy tonguing Santa's balls
underneath his pubes so snowy white
Oh, what a laugh it would have been
if daddy had only filmed
Mommy tonguing Santa's balls last night.

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I has a flavor!

Not original, but too heart-warming to leave out...

Frosty the Snowman
Was a jolly, merry soul
'Cause his great big dick was an old broomstick
And his balls were made of snow

Frosty the Snowman
Knew the sun was hot that day
So he said let's grab a piece of ass
Before I melt Away

There must have been some magic
In that old broomstick we found
'Cause half the girls in the neighborhood
Are spread-eagled on the ground

Now dogs piss on Frosty
As he stands in my backyard
Well his arms melted off and his head's half gone
But his goddamn dick's still hard

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I was gonna send a robot back in time, but I got high.

[Click to view comic: 'JTS: The Spirit of Shitsmas']

Don't ask me what an anal plight is, because I don't know.

Ohh -- you better watch out
Button your fly
Cross your legs
I'm telling you why
Santa Claus is horny tonight.

He's making a list
Checking it quick
Turning the pages
With his dick
Santa Claus is horny tonight.

He sees you when you're naked
Or when you masturbate
He knows when you bend over
So you'd better stand up straight

Ohh -- you better watch out
Button your fly
Clench your cheeks
I'm telling you why
Santa Claus is horny tonight.
-------------------
Roy is a girl
When nighttime comes
And heeee, puts onnnn, a dreeess

His panties and his bra-a-a
He stole them from his Ma-a-a
And now he'll prance around
In his favorite bar downtown
Till he's picked up, he's pi-icked up, and passed around.
-------------------
Lick my balls, lick my balls, sample each go-nad
Oh what fun, it is to get, a blowjob from your Dad
Oh
Lick my balls, lick my balls, like a whore from Guam
Oh, what fun, it is to get, a blowjob from your Mom.

---
Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.

Not my own, but I think it adds to this thread:

"I Farted On Santa's Lap (Now Christmas is Gonna Stink For Me)" By the Little Stinkers

Mom made beans for dinner, you know I ate 'em all
Said "Come get your coat on, we're going to the mall
You're gonna visit Santa and sit upon his knee."
But all that I could think about was how not to cut the cheese

Waiting there for Santa, thought that I'd explode
The gas bubble grew bigger with every "ho, ho, ho"
Tried my best to hide it, thought I was doing swell
But when I sat down on Santa's lap he hollered, "What's that smell?"

I farted on Santa's lap now Christmas is gonna stink for me
I farted on Santa's lap now I'll get (fart sound) under my Christmas tree

I asked him for a baseball, I asked him for a bat
I asked him for some ice skates, but I'll get none of that
I asked him for a lotta things I'll have to do without
Cause when I sat down on Santa's lap, I let one slip out

I farted on Santa's lap now Christmas is gonna stink for me
I farted on Santa's lap now I'll get (fart sound) under my Christmas tree

On Christmas eve I snuck out of my bed without a sound
And went down to the livingroom just to take a look around
It was then that I saw Santa next to the Christmas tree
His arms were full of presents and they were all for me
He put them on a pile, got up to turn around
Then blew a fart with such great force our tree almost came down
And so I'll always cherish that special moment when
I realized even old St. Nick rips one now and then

I farted on Santa's lap and Christmas didn't stink for me
I farted on Santa's lap and shit went under my Christmas tree

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Mediocrity at its most average.

Alternative Christmas Songbook (PDF) by yours truly.

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...Trot and Cap'n Bill were free from anxiety and care. Button-Bright never worried about anything. The Scarecrow, not being able to sleep, looked out of the window and tried to count the stars.

[Click to view comic: 'Rudolf, the Blonde-Haired Aryan']

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Chicken Feather Bed Bugs Bunny Hop Sing Out Side Street Walker Texas Ranger Cookie Dough Boy Wonder Years

That was Hit-larious.

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Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.

Perfect, fuzzy.

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The giant three-phallused phallus of Uzbekistan will one day squirt the cosmic jizz of revenge all over Canada.

Christmas Carols for the dysfunctional:

Schizophrenic: "Do you hear what I hear???"

Dementia: "I think I'll be home for Christmas..."

Obsessive / Compulsive: "Jingle bells, Jingle bells, Jingle bells, Jingle bells..."

Narcissistic: "Hark the herald angels sing about me..."

Paranoid: "Santa Claus is coming...to get me..."

Manic: "Deck the halls and walls and floors and ceilings and streets and cars and..."

Multiple Personalities: "We three kings disoriented are..."

Passive / Agressive: "On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...(and then took it all away)"

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“It is only with the heart that one sees rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.” - The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry (1945)