How Dubya Saved Xmas by CHUBBY 12-24-04

THIS IS NORAD! RED ALERT! GUIDED MISSILE HAS ENTERED RESTRICTED AIRSPACE! JETS HAVE BEEN SCRAMBLED FROM ANDREWS! THEIR ETA IS 2 MINUTES! THE MISSILE'S ETA IS ONE MINUTE! I GOT HIM! I GOT HIM! OH BOY! I BET IT'S ACHMED AL-ZARQAWI! OR OSAMA BIN-LADEN! OR..... .....Santa Claus. Don't just stand there! Give me a hand, dumbass!

How Dubya Saved Xmas 2 by CHUBBY 12-24-04

What happened? You made my sled crash! You killed one of my reindeer! Oh. Which? Prancer. Was he the gay one?

How Dubya Saved Xmas 3 by CHUBBY 12-24-04

OK, Bethesda is sending over its best flight surgeon to check you out. Good. In the meantime, can I get you anything? Do you have any Cookies & Creme..... I think so. Let me call down to the commissary. .....liqueur?

How Dubya Saved Xmas 4 by CHUBBY 12-24-04

..... so he says, "Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear." I don't get it. Oh, did I mention he was a Viking? And his name was Rudolf the Red? And that he told his wife he thought it was going to rain and she said it wasn't...... Ten minutes later..... ..... so he says, "Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear." And you're Rudolf the red-nosed reindeer! See? You should go on "Starsearch". Those votes should be a cinch to rig.

How Dubya Saved Xmas 5 by CHUBBY 12-24-04

AAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!! Where's Santa? Oh, the flight surgeon is checking him out. Who are you? I'm Santa's helper. You don't like me, do you? I want you to know I judge a man not by the color of his skin, but by the content of his character. Is it because I'm Jewish?

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"We're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably more than she ever did." Groucho Marx

How Dubya Saved Xmas 6 by CHUBBY 12-24-04

You're Jewish? That's right. And you work for Santa? He's Jewish too. Who else works on Xmas eve? Next you'll tell me Jesus H. Christ was a Jew.

How Dubya Saved Xmas 7 by CHUBBY 12-24-04

Hey doc! How's the patient? His cholesterol is sky high, but other than that all his vital signs are normal. Well, that's good news. However, he bumped his head in the crash so we'll have to keep him under observation tonight. Boy, that's a tough break for the kids.

How Dubya Saved Xmas 8 by CHUBBY 12-24-04

Those presents have to be delivered! Yeah, I guess. We need a distinguished-looking man to fly the sleigh. Someone with flight experience. Maybe ex-military. Oh, I get it. So we can count on you? I'll call McCain.

How Dubya Saved Xmas 9 by CHUBBY 12-24-04

You'll have to do it. Oh, no. No way. Think of the kids! No! I'm John Edwards for the plaintiff, Kris Kringle. Let's get this show on the road!

How Dubya Saved Xmas 10 by CHUBBY 12-24-04

OK, this is the last one. We should be ready to go now. Where are we going? You'll have to decide. You're Acting Santa. Lemme think for a minute. We're already an hour late and a deer short. Sounds like the story of your life.

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"We're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably more than she ever did." Groucho Marx

How Dubya Saved Xmas 11 by CHUBBY 12-24-04

OK, we're gonna have to triage. Forget Canada. All righty. And the blue states. Well, then I'd suggest that we start across the river. Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus.

How Dubya Saved Xmas 12 by CHUBBY 12-24-04

It's no use. Without Prancer, we just don't have enough lift! Is that cause he was light in the loafers? I guess this will be the year without Xmas. Not if the Leader of the Free World has anything to say about it! Cool plane! Dick Cheney said I could borrow it if I bring it back tomorrow morning first thing and don't scratch it.

How Dubya Saved Xmas 13 by CHUBBY 12-24-04

Where are we going now? I decided to make a few stops in the Northeast. Harlem. Afro-sheen? Somebody said you were America's first black president. Boston. John, here's them missing votes from Ohio. That's what my Mommo would call a perfect gift-- something you wouldn't buy for yourself.

How Dubya Saved Xmas 14 by CHUBBY 12-24-04

We'll touch down here for a sec to see Giuliani. Well, yeah, Rudy, but not till Xmas 2006. After the midterm elections, Dick's gonna have a-- uh, heart incident, and then you'll be the new veep! Dubya forgot to give you this to thank you for recommending Bernie Kerik. Why is it ticking?

How Dubya Saved Xmas 15 by CHUBBY 12-24-04

Hey, I have a stack of large denomination, out-of-circulation bills that I, uh, borrowed from the treasury-- $100,000. I could throw 'em out the window. Each one would make somebody real happy. Why don't you throw out ten $10,000 bills and make ten people happy? Or I guess I could throw out a hundred $1000 bills and make a hundred people happy. Why don't you throw out a thousand $100 bills and make a thousand people happy? Why don't you throw yourself out and make the whole world happy?

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"We're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably more than she ever did." Groucho Marx

How Dubya Saved Xmas 16 by CHUBBY 12-24-04

We'll touch down here so I can see Mommo and Pappy. Texas. Merry Xmas, Pappy. I didn't know what to get you. A second term, like I got? Well, son, I really enjoy skydiving with the Rangers. That'd be great if you could hook me up. Mommo? What can I get for you? Make sure his chute doesn't open.

How Dubya Saved Xmas 17 by CHUBBY 12-25-04

Is it true that Olive, the other reindeer used to laugh and call you names? Yes. They wouldn't let me join in any reindeer games. Me too. That's why I become a cheerleader at Yale. But now I own the publishing rights and I could buy and sell these bastards for dogfood a million times over. I thought my parents would be proud of me, but all Mommo said was, "We're not losing a son, we're gaining a daughter."

How Dubya Saved Xmas 18 by CHUBBY 12-25-04

Hollywood. Hey, you look just like Kirstie Alley! Are you her mom? No, I'm Kirstie. What in the wide, wide world of sports happened to you? Man, you had a smokin' hot body on that "Cheerios" show. Well, all I want for Xmas is to get my girlish figure back. Done. And a truckload of Twinkiesâ„¢.

How Dubya Saved Xmas 19 by CHUBBY 12-25-04

Mel Gibson's compound. Merry Xmas, Mel. Get out of here! This is a religious holiday! It's not about presents! I'm just trying to spread some Xmas cheer. I made 600 billion dollars last year. You know what each of my kids are getting? An orange. That's all I ever got from my dad. I don't know what to say. BOOHOOHOO! You'd think just one time he coulda told me he loved me! Waaaaaaaah!

How Dubya Saved Xmas 20 by CHUBBY 12-25-04

Hey, Paris Hilton! Lookee here what I got you. A DVD of "The Simple Life", a reality show about some rich nitwits on a farm down south. It's free with any specially marked purchase at Best Buy. That's hot. Later. Wal, that's cuz you ain't been milkin' a cow. You been trying to milk a bull. These chicks are stupid.

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"We're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably more than she ever did." Groucho Marx

How Dubya Saved Xmas 21 by CHUBBY 12-25-04

Sacramento. Dubya! Vot a nice surprise! Merry Xmas! Merry Xmas, Arnold! Vot did you get me? Here's that constitutional amendment I know you've had your eye on for some time. Danke schoen. I got Maria some bread and cold cuts. Tell her to have a sandwich once in awhile, huh?

How Dubya Saved Xmas 22 by CHUBBY 12-25-04

Next stop is an army field hospital in Iraq. Those boys and girls could really use some Xmas cheer. Hey, you don't have to tell me. I know all about the horrors of war. I was in the service in the Vietnam era. You dodged the draft, then deserted from the Alabama Air National Guard. One time I picked up a nail from some tart in Tuscaloosa.

How Dubya Saved Xmas 23 by CHUBBY 12-25-04

Hey, soldier! Hohoho! Merry Xmas! What do you want for Xmas? Can you bring my dead buddies back to life? Or can you grow me a new arm? Well, uh, no. But let's look and see what Santa does have in the bag. Oh, look-- this is perfect! Amputee porn! Hey, where'd he go?

How Dubya Saved Xmas 24 by CHUBBY 12-25-04

Why Bernie Kerik! What are you doing out here in the desert? Just cleaning out my desk. I've resigned from Giuliani Associates. Sorry things didn't work out. But I hear you might be going back to Ryker's Island. That'd be good. I bet you've still got lots of friends there. I've been meaning to ask you. I've got this goat hanging around. I noticed yours is gone. Where'd it go? It's in my pants. Capricorn One: What's Your Wallet?â„¢

How Dubya Saved Xmas 25 by CHUBBY 12-25-04

Tell me again-- why are we here in Afghanistan? You've still got soldiers here, you know. We do? HOLY CRAP! Over there! It's Bin-Laden! You keep an eye on him! I'll go back to the plane and radio our position. Nah. I don't think somebody like Osama Bin-Laden would ever understand the true meaning of Xmas.

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"We're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably more than she ever did." Groucho Marx

How Dubya Saved Xmas 26 by CHUBBY 12-25-04

Well, we saved Xmas. How do you feel? Tired. But you know, it's a good kind of tired. Good. And I've learned the true meaning of Xmas. From now on, I'm going to crusade for peace on earth. And goodwill to all men. Even you, Schlomo. Thanks. It's not easy being Jewish.

How Dubya Saved Xmas 27 by CHUBBY 12-25-04

Merry Xmas, Dubya! Shall we have some eggnog? Oh, no. I don't drink. I'm a big sissy who can't hold his likker. I'm not only proud of that, I'm smug about it. I didn't know you drank. Sure. Where do you think I got this red nose? Well, maybe just one drink.

How Dubya Saved Xmas 28 by CHUBBY 12-25-04

WOOOOOOOOOOOO HOO! PERFECT LANDING! If perfection means forgetting to put down the landing gear and skidding across the tarmac before coming to rest by taking out the control tower. Well, that's why they got repair crews. We're late, too, but Dick probably won't notice. I'm sure he's holed up in an undisclosed location. You don't know where he is either, huh? A short time later..... What's wrong? That's funny. They changed the locks.

How Dubya Saved Xmas 29 by CHUBBY 12-25-04

Dick! What's going on here? When you didn't come back, I called an emergency cabinet meeting at Rummy's Arlington house to decide if we should invoke the Twenty-fifth Amendment on the grounds that you're not in your right mind. Not in my right mind? We heard you were talking crazy talk on Air Force One. But we weren't sure if Section 4 of the Twenty-fifth even covers a mental problem. So we asked Scalia to call us in Arlington. What'd he say? "Yes, Virginia, there is a sanity clause."

How Dubya Saved Xmas 30 by CHUBBY 12-25-04

Well, can I be your Veep? Hmm, let me think. No. I've already nominated somebody. I've decided to run for reelection in 2008, and I want to keep the same veep. Well, can't I run with you in 2008? The Constitution is unclear on whether or not you would be able to succeed me. I'd just as soon avoid the controversy. I wonder why the Constitution is unclear on that. I guess the founding fathers never foresaw that the President would one day hijack Air Force One to deliver Xmas presents because he killed one of Santa's reindeer.