Message Machine by LuckyGuess 2-14-06

Hey Jared, I'm going to call your house and leave a message. Why?

Message Machine by LuckyGuess 2-14-06

I bet you won't wait all the way through my message. Just watch! I'll do it right now! You have reached Jared. Just to make absolutely sure this isn't either a pointless class-to-home call or a telemarketer, I have prepared a needlessly long message. Enjoy. You can't win. Submit to my will. Do you read the whole Bible in this recording or just bits and pieces?

Message Machine by LuckyGuess 2-14-06

Are you still listening to Jared's machine? I can't let him win! He's Jared. It would defy the will of the universe if he didn't win. No! I'll beat him! I'll beat him! Your face just went pale. He's reading one of Hitler's speeches, and Yoko Ono is playing in the background.

Message Machine by LuckyGuess 2-14-06

I'm sorry, but you can't have electronic devices out in class. Turn it off or I'll confiscate it. Don't you see? If I can't beat Jared's message machine, I can't succeed at anything at all! This is your second warning. NO! NO! I CAN'T LET HIM WIN! See that, class? Women are very dangerous when they PMS.

Message Machine by LuckyGuess 2-14-06

I'm just afraid that without anything to worry about anymore, I'll start becoming more bland. Why not start some kind of altercation? But where to begin? Do I just pick a fight with some random person so that I can make witty jokes about it later? Some girl is beating in the front windshield of your car with an uprooted fence post. Does she have a phone to her ear? Sometimes I wonder if you are actually aware of the things that you do.

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the kid's getting old, the kid's getting old

Message Machine by LuckyGuess 2-14-06

...A nice constellation of the autumn and winter sky. The sun passes through it from late April to mid-May. Although there are not many objects to observe in Aries this constellation is important... ...There is no one section that clearly defines idolatry; rather there are a number of commandments on this subject spread through the books of the Hebrew Bible, some of which were written in... Why did you even make this? It's pure evil! Are you still listening to that? Most people give up after the 35 hour mark.

Message Machine by LuckyGuess 2-14-06

...I don't know how you made it this far, but this is the end for you. The following noises have been collected from various local clergy member's houses, and can only be described as 'sexual'... No! NOOOOOOOO! I told you a thousand times, don't look before you flush!

Message Machine by LuckyGuess 2-14-06

I can't stop... not yet... Jesus Christ, you look like hell. You didn't even get dressed this morning, did you? Can't stop... can't... Look, it's been three days. Why don't you just hang up and we'll call it even? I've come too far... I can't quit yet... Can you sign this? Nothing special, just making sure I can't be held liable if you, say, die.

Message Machine by LuckyGuess 2-14-06

Mmmmff.... phone.... rrrrrgh.... The most destructive weapon ever created by mankind, and on the other hand, they kept peace during last 50 years. And of course such a weapon couldn't be created without the most brilliant scientists. Ssssssssss..... Um, ma'am?

Message Machine by LuckyGuess 2-14-06

Mrs. Henderson? Yes? What's wrong? We found your daughter roaming the streets making animal noises. She had a cell phone on, but when my partner tried to take it she bit a chunk of his face off. Which she then swallowed. Oh my God. ...There are two kinds of cannibalism -- sociological and pathological. The former means living and eating in a culture where cannibalism is accepted, and the latter means practicing cannibalism...

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the kid's getting old, the kid's getting old

Message Machine by LuckyGuess 2-15-06

What? No, it's not my cell, I'm borrowing it. ...The creature's name originated with the discovery of some dead goats in Puerto Rico with puncture wounds in their necks and their blood allegedly drained. According to UFO Magazine... No, I can't use the damn phone. That idiot Henderson won't stop listening to the fucking message. ...Hypnagogic images, according to some, are the result of the visual system "attempting to make sense" of the visual input still available to the eyes when the mind is drifting toward sleep... Whaddya mean "Pick up the phone?" Hell no! If she can keep this up, so can I. ...The Fool has the traditional small pack on his shoulder which holds the symbols for the four Tarot suits: the cup, the pentacle, the sword and the wand. The mystic symbol for Air decorates his...

Message Machine by LuckyGuess 2-15-06

...Bluefin tuna exhibit strong schooling behavior while they are young. While schooling is believed to be sight oriented, schools have been observed at night. Therefore, other senses... Please stop.... I just want to sleep... ...And now the soothing sound of the waves... Oh thank God. ...Lapping over dead and dying Malasian schoolchildren... I should be committed for this.

Message Machine by LuckyGuess 2-15-06

What? No, I can't hear you over the sound of this shit. ...Dealey Plaza has changed a bit since 1963. The famous Stemmons Freeway sign is gone, and the Hertz car rental sign is gone from atop the Depository. Some of the train tracks over the Triple... It's a fucking nightmare. No, I told you I'm not going to pick up the fucking reciever. ...On August 18, 1999, police reinforcements were brought in to restrain hundreds of villagers and out-of-towners crowding into Zishou Temple in Lingshi county, Shanxi province. The throng was not... No, you can go to hell, asshat. ...For my next performace, I'll be quoting a bit of Charles Dickens. Actually, all of Charles Dickens. Ever...

Message Machine by LuckyGuess 2-15-06

Where's Henderson? She's in the hospital. Really? The police found her wandering around the city half-naked. She hadn't eaten or bathed in days. So they turned off the phone, right? They couldn't even get close. She has some kind of Vulcan death grip on that thing, and when an officer managed to pry it out of her hand she literally ate his face off.

Message Machine by LuckyGuess 2-15-06

Jared, how much is on that tape? 67 hours of me reading speeches and legal documents, 38 hours of shitty music, and however long the combined audio clips from the library are. Which library? Congress. You're going to kill that girl. According to the waiver she signed, I'm not going to kill anybody.

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the kid's getting old, the kid's getting old

Message Machine by LuckyGuess 2-15-06

Just hear me out. I did hear you out. It's a game about Jesus. No, not just Jesus. You can power him up with fire breath or laser vision. Shouldn't you be visiting a certain someone who was hospitalized as a direct result of your actions? Jesus? Fixations, Jared. Fixations.

Message Machine by LuckyGuess 2-15-06

Vic, why is my house surrounded by television vans? The national news picked up the story of your phone machine. There's a nationwide broadcast on it. So now I'll have the endless message from hell AND annoying newspeople keeping me up at night? Plus 24-hour coverage of your actions. This is actually kind of cool. We have reports that Jared has indeed said, "This is actually kind of cool." We now go to Jared's message machine correspondant Pat O'Brien.

Message Machine by LuckyGuess 2-15-06

...Bombing and the threat of being bombed are harsh realities in today's world. The public is becoming more aware of those incidents of violence that are perpetrated by vicious, nefarious segments... Jared, we have been told here at NBC that you indeed said, "I'm making ramen and going to bed." Can you confirm or deny this? ...The word Leviathan is also mentioned in Rashi's commentary on Genesis 1:21: "God created the great sea monsters - Taninim." Jastrow translates the word "Taninim" as a "sea monster, crocodile... Jared? Jared? Can you confirm or deny that you indeed ate ramen and went to bed? Close the door quickly. They could be anywhere. Why of course you can spend the night here. So good of you to ask.

Message Machine by LuckyGuess 2-15-06

Hey, Mom. Sorry I worried you. Oh God, I'm so glad you're okay. Why are you staring at me? Please, just turn off the phone. This has gone far enough. I'm very sorry to hear you say that, mother. Honey?

Message Machine by LuckyGuess 2-15-06

It's very odd that your mother was killed so soon after the televised coverage began and you were released. Yes, officer. It certainly is. Those phone shaped abrasions on her skull and throat are also interesting. Very interesting. Are you sure they're interesting? Because if I were a rookie cop alone at a crime scene with the potential murderer, I might not want to think they're very interesting. No, they're still pretty interesting. I'm very sorry to hear you say that, officer.

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the kid's getting old, the kid's getting old

Message Machine by LuckyGuess 2-15-06

Jared? I'm turning on the light. Look, you have to pick up the phone. The Henderson girl has already murdered a cop and her own mother because of you. You can't let anyone else get hurt. Section G of the waiver she signed releases me from responsibility for people she injures as a result of listening to that message. You knew this was going to happen, didn't you? Not as much 'know' as 'have a general feeling.' So yes.

Message Machine by LuckyGuess 2-15-06

Why won't you stop? Please stop!!! ...Sugar Gliders have become popular pets in the United States, and anyone who has ever seen one can easily tell you why. Besides being intelligent, playful and inquisitive, they are just darn cute... Well, you made it all the way to the end. It's been a good month, hasn't it? I hope whatever you said won't be dampered by the fact you could have bypassed this message by pressing 1. *beep* BlOoOoOoOod...

Message Machine by LuckyGuess 2-15-06

My life is shit. Duh. You were responsible for the deaths of two people and the mental breakdown of a good friend. What friend? Did you seriously just say that? I'm serious about the hundreds of thousands of messages on my phone. They can't be able to legally post my phone number on television. I should sue. You are so going to hell for this.

Message Machine by LuckyGuess 2-15-06

Ha ha! I totally won! They just gave you the death penalty. I left a message on your phone. The government is going to kill you. You didn't win. At least I know more about Chupacabras and Bluefin Tuna. Well thank God for that.

Message Machine by LuckyGuess 2-15-06

Well, you got one of your closest friends executed as of five minutes ago. How do you sleep at night? I don't. Well it's good to hear you actually care about this. I do! And let me tell you, it's hard to sleep when you're awaiting a litigation hearing against a major media network. Sometimes I question why I still talk to you. Oh, come on. Be a team player.

Fin.

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the kid's getting old, the kid's getting old

The interesting saga and funny; it made me funny!

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Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.

:D
Glad you liked it.

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the kid's getting old, the kid's getting old

Please post the unabridged version.

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

I'll take that as a "I pledge my uncondidtional love to you, Lucky. Hold me."

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the kid's getting old, the kid's getting old

You mean there's an unabridged version? Why are you holding out on us? Oh, I get it -- you're going to double-dip us Peter Jackson-style.

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Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.

You can expect the deluxe version in a month or so. It'll have bonus panels and creator commentary tracks. $29.99, $39.99 Canadian.

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the kid's getting old, the kid's getting old

"You are so going to hell for this."

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I will rate you hard, and unendingly.