Carnac the Magnificent was always my favorite Johnny Carson bit. I used Kaddar Host for Johnny in the first comic because it looked most like him, but then I decided he needed to be behind a desk. Host looks more like Ed McMahon anyway.

Carnac Goes To Heaven by choadwarrior 1-23-05

Before I let you into Heaven, I want you to use your borderline divine ways to tell me what is written inside this hermetically sealed envelope. Jack Nicholson, Steve Miller, and Johnny Carson. Jack Nicholson, Steve Miller, and Johnny Carson. Name a former Joker, a Midnight Toker, and a now dead smoker.

Somewhere in Talk Show Heaven by choadwarrior 1-18-06

Carnac the Magnificent will now use his borderline divine ways to determine the answer to the question in this hermetically sealed envelope. Jack Abramoff JACK ABRAMOFF! Jack Abramoff. And now open the envelope and reveal the question. What did the hooker to do Abram?

Carnac & the Ass of Bass by choadwarrior 7-26-06

Carnac the Magnificent will now use his borderline divine ways to determine the answer to the question in this hermetically sealed envelope. Bye, Bye, Bye. BYE, BYE, BYE. Bye, Bye, Bye. What does Lance Bass wish his bandmates were?

I liked the Jack Abramoff one.

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Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.

I liked the last one. I wonder how long it'll take for the other members to leave the closet behind?

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It was such a waste of everyone’s time and money that even the Tokyo stadium’s rape robots apologized– something they were programmed specifically never to do.

Carnac Knowledge by choadwarrior 9-16-06

Carnac the Magnificent will now use his borderline divine ways to determine the answer to the question in this hermetically sealed envelope. Dick Tracy. DICK TRACY! Dick Tracy. And now open the envelope and reveal the question. What do I want to do to Ms. Lords?

The Twist by choadwarrior 4-16-07

Carnac the Magnificent will now use his borderline divine ways to determine the answer to the question in this hermetically sealed envelope. Chubby Checker. CHUBBY CHECKER! Chubby Checker. And now open the envelope and reveal the question. What do you call the quality control inspector for Viagra?

Baby One More Time by choadwarrior 9-29-07

Carnac the Magnificent will now use his borderline divine ways to determine the answer to the question in this hermetically sealed envelope. Britney Spears. BRITNEY SPEARS. Britney Spears. And now open the envelope and reveal the question. What do you call a roomful of cocks?

Carnac & the Baby Boomer by choadwarrior 1-04-09

Carnac the Magnificent will now use his borderline divine ways to determine the answer to the question in this hermetically sealed envelope Howdy Doody. HOWDY DOODY. Howdy Doody. And now open the envelope and reveal the question. How do cowboys greet their turds?

Carnac Desires by choadwarrior 2-04-09

Carnac the Magnificent will now use his borderline divine ways to determine the answer to the question in this hermetically sealed envelope Seven layer dip. SEVEN LAYER DIP! Seven layer dip. And now open the envelope and reveal the question. What do you call a retard at a gang bang.

Congress of the Cock by choadwarrior 5-15-09

Carnac the Magnificent will now use his borderline divine ways to determine the answer to the question in this hermetically sealed envelope. Cheney, Army, Lugar. Cheney, Army, Lugar. Cheney, Army, Lugar. And now open the envelope and reveal the question. Name the three biggest Dicks in the Republican Party.

Police Woman by choadwarrior 8-07-09

Carnac the Magnificent will now use his borderline divine ways to determine the answer to the question in this hermetically sealed envelope. Angie Dickinson. ANGIE DICKINSON! Angie Dickinson. And now open the envelope and reveal the question. What is Angie in jail for?

Going Down in Flames by choadwarrior 10-29-09

Carnac the Magnificent will now use his borderline divine ways to determine the answer to the question in this hermetically sealed envelope. Cockpit. COCKPIT! Cockpit. And now open the envelope and reveal the question. What does a pilot call a stewardess' cunt?

Business Machine by choadwarrior 11-15-09

Carnac the Magnificent will now use his borderline divine ways to determine the answer to the question in this hermetically sealed envelope. IBM IBM! IBM And now open the envelope and reveal the question. What is the first thing I do every morning?

Bristol Cream by choadwarrior 11-18-09

Carnac the Magnificent will now use his borderline divine ways to determine the answer to the question in this hermetically sealed envelope. Harvey Milk. HARVEY MILK! Harvey Milk. And now open the envelope and reveal the question. What's in Harvey's gym sock?

Casabas by choadwarrior 12-02-09

Carnac the Magnificent will now use his borderline divine ways to determine the answer to the question in this hermetically sealed envelope. Mellon baller. MELLON BALLER! Mellon baller. And now open the envelope and reveal the question. What's another name for a "Titty fucker?"

Pop Sensation by choadwarrior 1-28-10

Carnac the Magnificent will now use his borderline divine ways to determine the answer to the question in this hermetically sealed envelope. Poker Face. POKER FACE! Poker Face. And now open the envelope and reveal the question. What do I want to do to Lady Gaga?

This, That & The Other by choadwarrior 4-27-10

Carnac the Magnificent will now use his borderline divine ways to determine the answer to the question in this hermetically sealed envelope. Fruit Cocktail. FRUIT COCKTAIL! Fruit Cocktail. And now open the envelope and reveal the question. Name three things Richard Simmons looks for in a man.

Peppermint Patty by choadwarrior 6-16-10

Carnac the Magnificent will now use his borderline divine ways to determine the answer to the question in this hermetically sealed envelope. Klondike Bar. KLONDIKE BAR! Klondike Bar. And now open the envelope and reveal the question. Where do Alaskan lesbians meet?

Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me by choadwarrior 6-27-11

Carnac the Magnificent will now use his borderline divine ways to determine the answer to the question in this hermetically sealed envelope. Neil Gaiman. NEIL GAIMAN! Neil Gaiman. And now open the envelope and reveal the question. What did Queen Elizabeth say before knighting Elton John?

Righty Tighty by choadwarrior 6-29-11

Carnac the Magnificent will now use his borderline divine ways to determine the answer to the question in this hermetically sealed envelope. Whitey Bulger. WHITEY BULGER! Whitey Bulger. And now open the envelope and reveal the question. How does my underwear refer to my cock?

Bringing Up The Rear by choadwarrior 7-16-11

Carnac the Magnificent will now use his borderline divine ways to determine the answer to the question in this hermetically sealed envelope. Left Behind. LEFT BEHIND! Left Behind. And now open the envelope and reveal the question. On what part of my body will you find a tattoo?

When You're Sliding Into First by choadwarrior 8-14-11

Carnac the Magnificent will now use his borderline divine ways to determine the answer to the question in this hermetically sealed envelope. Albert Pujols. ALBERT PUJOLS! Albert Pujols. And now open the envelope and reveal the question. What do you call the anuses on guys named Albert?

Marvel by choadwarrior 9-15-11

Carnac the Magnificent will now use his borderline divine ways to determine the answer to the question in this hermetically sealed envelope. Mighty Thor. MIGHTY THOR! Mighty Thor. And now open the envelope and reveal the question. How do you describe a swollen tongue?

I Must Be in the Front Row by choadwarrior 10-02-11

Carnac the Magnificent will now use his borderline divine ways to determine the answer to the question in this hermetically sealed envelope. Bulkhead. BULKHEAD! Bulkhead. And now open the envelope and reveal the question. What kind of oral sex can you get at Costco?