i wrote this cuz we were talkin about it at work and i seem to be having a bout of insomnia right now. so through the magic of THC and boredom here is an incomplete set of the sort of characters people in the bar/club business have to deal with on a nightly basis.
its definitely more observation than complaint cuz despite its drawbacks i can honestly say for the first time in years that i have a job i love.
Except for the vomit.

feedback encouraged if you're feelin froggy...

A compendium of the various fauna that inhabit the stripclub ecosystem.

The Lurker- this solitary creature shuns the light and will always migrate directly to the darkest corner of any club where it will sit and nurse a drink for several hours. It does not purchase dances, tip the stage or waitress. It is a loner by nature and sometimes has an unpleasant odor about it.

The Nomad- this odd denizen shuffles around the club environs watching stuff. It never sits, but merely leans against any available surface. Some theories as to why it never seats itself are as follows:
a) IT HAS NO ASS
b)it has an ass, but said ass it covered with painful postules that make it impossible for the piteous creature to seat itself without excruciating torment.
c) it never learned how
d) its one of those weird germphobic thingys

The Relocator- the relocator is a subspecies of the nomad. Once seated by a dutiful host/hostess, it will almost immediately re-seat itself somewhere else in the club, causing great consternation in the club wait staff. It will continue to relocate in seemingly random intervals throughout its stay in the club boundaries. If it were a superhero, it would be Nightcrawler.

The Puddle- these odd animals, once seated, apparently lose all bone structure and appear to the naked eye to be mere puddles of clothing with a face perched somewhere in the heap. To use the term slouch would be missing the opportunity to say "vaguely human shaped blobs." They are frequently of a dark skinned nature and generally are further misshapened by a hood or strange head swathings.

The Rockstar- these are the animals who, no matter how dimly lit a club happens to be, are always wearing sunglasses. Even to the point of almost total blindness. The sunglasses are usually large elaborate constructions which contrive to cover as much of the facial area as possible.

The Rancher- the rancher is a male of the species which herds groups of fattened, giggling females into the stripclub ecosystem. They are sometimes accompanied by one or more sheep dogs.

The Sheep Dog- this is a female of the species whose sole purpose in the ecosystem appears to be to guide much larger drunken females to the latrine or bar. They range from uniformly plain to searingly hideous.

The Hundredaire- this pitiful specimen comes equipped with barely enough cash to sustain a stripclub lifespan of the average housefly. Wait/Bar staff will be lucky to see a buck for their services and host can jolly well forget it. The hundredaire is fairly common herd animal. By banding together in small tribes, they can prolong their nightlife by buying one dance and then taunting each other and laughing about it for the next hour.
They are considered highly aerodynamic by most security staff due to the fact that they almost always leave the club airbourne.

The Thousandaire- a more highly evolved version of the hundredaire, the thousandaire has saved two months worth of his meager salary and fully intends to be a BIG SHOT, or HIGH ROLLER. They almost always try to act like this is something they do on a regular basis, and fail miserably. These critters throw around money like its on fire for several hours, attracting hosts and dancers like buffets attract fat chicks. The magic can't last forever though and as the night wears on, the well begins to run dry. The rounds get smaller, the dances less elaborate and farther in between. Soon its all over but the crying.
Usually found in the Bachelor Party.

The Bachelor Party- the hydra of the stripclub ecosystem, the bachelor party is a complicated and much varied beast. The Common American Stripclub Bachelor Party has more breeds than the canine family with none of the furry charm, but there are some parts which are generally thought to be universal and self explanatory:
a) The Asshole
b) The Ringmaster
c) The REALLY drunk guy
d) The Diplomat
e) The Goon
f) The Money Guy
g) The 'Cool' Guy
h) The Mentor

And sometimes in rare cases:
a) The Random Chick
b) The Fag
c) The Fiancee
d) The Grandfather

eh, that's it for now.

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Kill Whitey.

if it means anything I REALLY want to work in a strip club

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xx( o Y o. )xx

Add the "wannabe" to your list.

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peddling the funny around since 09/24/2002

If I went to stripclubs by myself, I would be "The Lurker." But on the rare occasions that I do go, I'm usually "The Leech", because I only go when someone else is paying. I can't afford to throw that much money away just to see some nekkid girls dancing around for awhile.

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Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.

You should add "Jealous Girlfriend/The Wife" and "Fake ID."

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the kid's getting old, the kid's getting old

there are a bunch of others i'm planning on adding, such as the leech, the missionary, the samaritan, but i'm out of weed, thus lacking inspiration.

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Kill Whitey.

"The Weed"

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the kid's getting old, the kid's getting old

I'm known in some circles as "the stripper killer" known for my frequent laying of the the wood to the afformentioned.

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obscenity filter is off

NERDY NEW MONEY ASSHOLES

These are the nerds we grow up with who now have six figure computer jobs. They believe that their money gives them the right to treat the servers, dancers, and bartenders like shit. These guys likely spent much of their adolescent youth with their underwear pulled up over their ears on the school bus. Now that they have made a few bucks and bought a BMW and they don’t understand why hot women aren’t throwing their panties at them. Hot women still find them uninteresting so they are relegated to paying to see a vagina. Strippers are just trying to earn an honest living by separating horny men from their money to support their jobless boyfriends. These assholes seem to think they have the right to call them cunts and whores because they tipped them a five spot

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Shovel Ready

I need to define mine now! YAY!

Jealous Girlfriend-
Every now and again some poor shmo will walk into a strip club with his buddies for a guys night out, not knowing that the woman he's seeing has followed him there in a taxi with the murdered driver in the trunk. Upon entering the club she begins her attack, an ear piercing shriek that can literally stop every single action inside at the same time. She will throw drinks, smash glasses, swing wildly, and generally turn into a whirling dirvish of crazy in an attempt to strangle her boyfriend, who has his face firmly locked on a pair of breasts that don't belong to her. The Jealous Girlfriend is quite dangerous not only because she indiscriminantly attacks everything around her with whatever she can grab, but also because she may be accompanied by The Wife. The Jealous Girlfriend will more often than not have a southern or Puerto Rican accent.

The Wife- Men, hold your member close, for The Wife is on her way. You can tell when a clean cut man walks into a club that whether he's married or not. Maybe it's the crushed look on his face, the droopy eyes, the dried baby vomit on his shoulder, not to mention the ring. But he'll be a regular. And she may not come the first, or second, or even tenth time he drops in. But she will. And when she does, no one is safe. It's rumored that some bouncers wear bullet proof vests. The Wife is why.

Fake ID- Okay, so he isn't exactly old enough to be in the club. In fact, he probably shouldn't even be in a PG-13 movie. But he thinks he deserves to get in, and with his shiny new ID hopes, naresay knows he will. Except for that whole you don't look like this man of a different ethnicity and you're under five feet tall thing. Some Fake IDs can get in because they either look like Vikings or because they have glandular issues, but these cases are rare and usually given away by a drunken cry of, "Wait till the guys in metal shop hear about this!"

Weed- He smells like incense and that might-not-be-but-probably-is ganja. He stumbles. He makes off-collar remarks, off-center remarks, and off-reality remarks about everything. He giggles a lot. His eyes are red. He orders a lot of finger food. A LOT of finger food. And his shirt has a daisy with a happy face on it. Yeah, it's Weed, and with no money and inhibited judgement, he'll flying out the door and among the same three Beatles tunes he hears everywhere he goes not long after he walks in.

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the kid's getting old, the kid's getting old

quote:

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NERDY NEW MONEY ASSHOLES

These are the nerds we grow up with who now have six figure computer jobs. They believe that their money gives them the right to treat the servers, dancers, and bartenders like shit. These guys likely spent much of their adolescent youth with their underwear pulled up over their ears on the school bus. Now that they have made a few bucks and bought a BMW and they don’t understand why hot women aren’t throwing their panties at them. Hot women still find them uninteresting so they are relegated to paying to see a vagina. Strippers are just trying to earn an honest living by separating horny men from their money to support their jobless boyfriends. These assholes seem to think they have the right to call them cunts and whores because they tipped them a five spot

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The Fag has two subsets...The Screaming Fag and The Bored Fag. I'm the latter.

The Screamer has to make sure everybody knows he's gay, and he has no clue about strip club etiquette, so he tries to maul the women using that, "I'm gay so i can squeeze your boobies" defense everyone hates.

The Bored Fag is pretty much a Lurker.

BTW, great list, I enjoyed reading it.

because you demanded it.

well all right. because i re-upped.

The Vacationer- a vacationer is a less common member of the ecosystem. It tries to develops a rapport with with one of the native dancers in an attempt to get her to "go to Cancun" with him. Although the locale may vary, the trip itself is almost invariably a business trip paid for by the vacationers company. It remains a mystery as to why vacationers think they'll get away with it.

The Trapper- the loathsome trapper is all too common in stripclubs across the known universe and is hated by everyone employed by said clubs. A trappers buys many dances from as many of the dancers as he can get to approach him. Once the dance ensues in the classic tableside format of man-seated-slightly-reclined-with-girl-dancing-between-his spread-legs, the trapper will slowly scissor his legs together, trapping the hapless dancer. This will continue for as long as the dancers permit it, however once warned by security staff, the trapper normally sulks for a bit then leaves the ecosystem for one less regulated.

The Missionary- the missionary attempts to convince dancers to leave the stripclub environment behind and promises to help her "get away from this life". It sometimes uses words like "sin" or "shame". At best the missionary just wants to mate with dancers and wishes to get them out of the ecosystem so that have some control over them. At worst, "helping them get out of this lifestyle" can be roughly translated as "chain your whore ass in my basement and make you put lotion on your skin so I can wear it around after I butcher you."

The Creepy Septuagenerian-This is the filthy, perverted old man your mom warned you about. He was definitely SOME kind of rapist in his younger days, but now would have his ass handed to him by even the smallest of dancing girls. Knowing this he is relegated to cruising the stripclub ecosystem trawling for dancers who haven't been in the environment long enough to grow dead and cynical inside.

The Genteel Septuagenerian- This old school gentleman is the grandfatherly sort who is probably a widower and therefore loney. He enjoys being around young beautiful women because they make him feel young inside. He does nice things for them and buys them stuff. If he had a lot of money, he'd be a Samaritan, a subspecies of the High Roller.

The Grim Sleeper- The grim sleeper never travels alone, it is exclusively a pack animal. Perhaps a strange variety of narcoleptic, the GS is always part of an already mellow group. ( grim sleepers are never with a rowdy group and obviously don't use illegal stimulants) Within an hour or two of the groups arrival the GS goes to work gently falling asleep at the table, and sending out sweet, lulling sleepy-time waves to all those seated around him. Although he may be laughingly wakened once or twice, the presence of a grim sleeper in a death sentence for any pack that contains him.

The Headhunter-this pathetic creature is convinced that every stripclub ever built at any time is merely a front for a place where he can get a blowjob if he just goes about it in the right way. He figures that females willing to dance in the buff MUST SURELY also suck on mens penises, probably in champagne rooms, for the right price. And when he moves down a few notches on the stripclub foodchain, he's probably correct. (see: skank ass ho)

The Extra Mediums (or Chachi's)-These amusing critters strut and swagger around the club environs in ill fitting, tight shirts designed to show off their chiseled physiques to best effect. They're there to score 'wit da hotties' and dammit they smell good. Their hairstyle has been carefully chosen from this months Maxim and they wear whatever brand of jeans they are told to.

The High Roller- this variety of stripclub inhabitant comes in a few major subspecies and is highly sought after by clubs everywhere. They tip anywhere from extravagantly to godlike and cause dancers and hosts alike to drool and become like sexually aroused puppies who want to play dirty games. Their benevolence or scorn can make or break a host's dreams or raise or ignore a dancers cup size.
a) The Whale- The "classic" high roller, the whale tips extravagantly, sliding neatly through the ecosystem on a trail of exuded cash. When one thinks of the whale they almost always envision a large, boisterous Texan in an enormous hat with a fat cigar permanently grafted to his lips throwing old oil money around like it just boils up from the earth. This stereotype
is virtually never true this far north, but I wish it was.
b) The Samaritan- this high roller is the philanthropist of the HR species. It freely grants big money boons to dancers he see striving to better themselves i.e. females of the species enrolled in college and working on degrees with the goal of leaving the business when they start a "normal" career. The samaritan has been known to buy cars, new boobies, and provide rent or apartments for student dancers. It seems in some cases to keep careful tabs on these fortunates, and like santa or the IRS, pulls funding if the girls are naughty. The Samaritan is so named because unlike other HR's who will buy expensive things for the dancer, the Samaritan doesn't expect to anal for it.
c) NERDY NEW MONEY ASSHOLES-These are the nerds we grow up with who now have six figure computer jobs. They believe that their money gives them the right to treat the servers, dancers, and bartenders like shit. These guys likely spent much of their adolescent youth with their underwear pulled up over their ears on the school bus. Now that they have made a few bucks and bought a BMW and they don’t understand why hot women aren’t throwing their panties at them. Hot women still find them uninteresting so they are relegated to paying to see a vagina. Strippers are just trying to earn an honest living by separating horny men from their money to support their jobless boyfriends. These assholes seem to think they have the right to call them cunts and whores because they tipped them a five spot
*author's note: the above description was taken verbatim from my esteemed colleague UP4ABEER'S personal work on the subject. I thought it apt and fitting for this treatise.
d) The Party-of-Bling- this is a fine example of the oftentimes symbiotic nature of the high roller. The party-of -bling is one high roller (frequently a sports star) surrounded by a cell like structure called a "posse" or "entourage". The cell is ALWAYS laden with ropes of gold terminating in mammoth, shiny medallion of various shapes aroung their neck and huge, unwieldy rings aroung their fingers. They are extremely loud in all things and plainly equate enjoyment with volume in some odd way.
They are often quite generous with the big bootied females, but seem to think tipping males is pretty much the same as admitting on TV that they love the taste of horny man-cock.

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Kill Whitey.

I love yoo.

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the kid's getting old, the kid's getting old

quote:

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my esteemed colleague UP4ABEER

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Excellent. Now somebody do regular clubs and supermarkets.

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