"This fawn has diarrhea. What do I do?
Since some types of diarrhea can be transmitted to people, handle the fawn wearing disposable gloves, if available. Wash your hands well in warm soapy water after touching the fawn. A fawn with diarrhea needs immediate medical care."

I don't know what the hell this is, but it scares me for some reason.
http://www.concentric.net/~connell4/aid.html

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"Fascist Clay was my most favorite totalitarian boxer!" - Indie Rock Pete from Diesel Sweeties

That... Is... Scary... Who the hell in the right mine would make up a site dedicated to saving a fawn? How many people save fawns in their lives? And who cares about if a fawn has diarrhea? Just let the cold run it's course. How is fawn diarrhea transmitted to humans? Are people all of a sudden going to start shitting like fawns? *shrugs* I'm rambling. I'll shut up now.

~alison

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I'm back.

Mother of god. I don't want to meet the ants that can take down a deer.

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I ate a hooker half a bottle of knife.

If you happen to find a foal that looks abandoned but looks to be in good health and not bothered by fire ants, leave it alone. Chances are that the mother is off foraging for food and will be back to collect the foal. They often hide the foal in hollows in order to more efficiently search for food without having to protect the foal at the same time. As many predators hunt visually by looking for motion, they would have to practically stumble on top of a foal that is hidden and still perfectly still. If you are really concerned return in a few hours and see if the foal is still there.

Too many people find what they think is an abandoned foal and "rescue" them. One year the vet school had so many brought in we had to call the wildlife rehab groups almost on a daily basis.

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"Nothing expresses the brutal grandeur of rectal polyps and anal fistulae quite like the mother-tongue of Goethe."

This fawn has gum stuck in its hair. What do I do?
Put the fawn in the freezer for 3 to 4 hours. When you take it out, break the gum off with a hammer.

This fawn has a shiv.
Some fawns don't want to be rescued and may try to defend themselves. A knife may look scary at first, but it has nothing on a baseball bat or a stout piece of 2x4.

Why is this fawn squirting blood from it's eyes and speaking in tongues?
The fawn is most likely possessed by some sort of lesser demon. You should bathe the fawn in holy water and perform an exorcism as soon as possible. If this is inconvenient try death by fire.

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100 pounds of shit in a 25 pound sack.

I like that idea.

What if the fawn wants to go too far?

You must give in to the fawn. If you do not capitulate, it is likely that the fawn will go elsewhere. Is that what you want? Your fawn, the fawn you've molded intot the perfect fawn, being snapped up by someone else who can give them the sexual gratification they need?

The fawn is jittery and scared to be taken to help. What should I do?[list]1. Wrap left arm around fawn's neck, so that your
inner elbow encloses its windpipe.
2. Wrap your right arm around its forehead so that
your forearm is resting on its temple.
3. Suddenly and violently apply pressure.
4. After two minutes release pressure and marvel at the effectiveness of the sleeper hold.
5. Flex in an affirmation of your inner wrestler.
6. Point to the north.
7. Point to the west.
8. Point to the south.
9. Point to the east.
10. Repeat flexing.[/list]

What if the fawn tries to push marijuana?

How much for a quarter bag?

Like 50.

50? That better be in rupees. Never pay more than 40 for a quarter bag.

This was some good shit, though.

Hey man, do what you want. I gave you my advice.

No need to get pissy.

Pissy? Why you little shit!

Hey, sorry man. I don't want to fight.

Should have thought about that before that pissy crack, bitch. Put up your fists cause I'm gonna start swinging.

No, come on now, I...YOU HIT ME!

Damn right, Mary. Here's another one.

Goddamnit, stop that!

Save the drama for your mama. Hey, what are you doing?

Sorry man, but you have it coming.

C'mon, knock it off. Let's talk about this. I didn't...mean to...um...ZZZZZZZZZZZ.

And now, for the pointing.

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I ate a hooker half a bottle of knife.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

MotherFUCKER that's funny....

shit, Gabe....

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

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I wanted my half in the middle and I wound up on the edge.

and Obi....

Jesus.

Cant... breathe.... sides.. hurt

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I wanted my half in the middle and I wound up on the edge.

The fawn is ticking.

Sonofabitch, that's a new one. Good luck.

The fawn bit me. It fucking bit me, man!

I wouldn't take that shit.

The fawn is in a litter of used diabetic needles and burned tinfoil

Get the fawn to rehab.

The fawn is trying to sell me a car stereo

See if you can get one for a 93 Taurus. No A/C.

The fawn has Superbowl tickets.

No, shit?

Fuckin' A.

Wow.

Yeah, that's what I said.

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I wanted my half in the middle and I wound up on the edge.

quote:

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The fawn bit me. It fucking bit me, man!

I wouldn't take that shit.

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The fawn is wearing an "All Your Base Are Belong To Us" t-shirt. What should I do?
For the love of God kill it. Now.

-------

I sold a CD to a kid at the bookstore today who was wearing an AYBABTU shirt.. I wanted to smack him...

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"Fascist Clay was my most favorite totalitarian boxer!" - Indie Rock Pete from Diesel Sweeties

quote:

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What if the fawn tries to push marijuana?

How much for a quarter bag?

Like 50.

50? That better be in rupees. Never pay more than 40 for a quarter bag.

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I'M SERIOUS!!!

Don't you be bring them abandoned Fire Ants to my clinic. All that does, is piss off the Queen when she come back to the nest after going to the local Stop-N-Rob for a case of beer and lotto tickets.

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"Nothing expresses the brutal grandeur of rectal polyps and anal fistulae quite like the mother-tongue of Goethe."

One of my fawn's classmates in elementary school converted her to Christianity. What do I do?

Douse her in goat's blood until she stops talking about how great Jesus is. That always works for me. Note: Goat's blood is not used for its Satanic qualities, but merely because it's gross. Any viscous, foul-smelling liquid will do in a pinch.

Come to think of it, what the hell is your fawn doing in elementary school?

My fawn is developing pinkish bumps around her rectum. What do I do?

Stop fucking her in the ass and get yourself to a clinic.

My fawn drips constantly from her nose. When she drips on the linoleum, it's kind of loud and annoying. I can't sleep.

Tie a long piece of string in the fawn's nose, letting it dangle onto the floor. The snot will run down noiselessly, curing your insomnia. Eventually, you might want to look into getting her some Keflex. Or getting yourself a rifle.

Why do you know so much about fawns?

This isn't about me, it's about fawns. I mean, it's not like I paint my dick green and let fawns, who mistake it for a celery stalk, nibble until I reach orgasm. Or anything like that.

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- christ@myself.com - fuck a cat, kill yourself - my alter ego has five stars

Argh! Habnem took the goatsblood one I was going to post before my connection died!!!

The fawn is standing here with a 40oz of Red Dog, and a colt... what should I do?!

Colt... horse or g...

BANG!!!

Never mind.

My wife is fawing over some other man. What do I do?

Give her some more tender romantic love, you insensitive lout. Either that, or buck her brains out, one or the other.

That was a terrible pun.

Thank you.

The Fawn Lands At Midnight.

What you say?

Someone set up us the fawn

I hate you.

Is that a dead fawn?

There is no fawn.

But I see a dead fawn!

No one can be told what a fawn is. You have to anally violate one yourself.

What the fuck, are you demented?!

TAKE THE DAMN BLUE PILL.

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Do you want ants? Because that's how you get ants.

quote:

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quote:

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The fawn bit me. It fucking bit me, man!

I wouldn't take that shit.

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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

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The fawn is getting involved with the wrong crowd at school.

Why is your fawn at school?

I... I wanted her to learn...

LEARN WHAT?!

I don't know, just stop beating me over the head with a waffle iron! Oh god, now you're beating me with a bat, the pain it horrible, please stop! Oh my lord, now you're stabbing me in the arm, and I am bleeding all over the floor, the pain is pure and horrible! Oh no, oh this is horrible, now you are chopping my bones to splinters with an axe! My arms are fracturing under the weight and pinpointed pressure of the axe! The this excruciating agond must end some time! Oh my sweet Jesus, now you're killing me with a chainsaw! It REALLY hurts! Your chain is ripping through my flesh like butter, and flaying it about...

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Do you want ants? Because that's how you get ants.

quote:

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I think we should send the url of this thread to the guy who runs the fawn page.

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This fawn has a large, grey trunk on its face.

Uh...are you sure that's a fawn.

Of course I'm sure. What do you think I am, an idiot?

Well, yeah.

What do you mean by that, you son of a--ooh! Something shiny!

Glad I could help.

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"Oh, look, a joke! How original! Thank you, but if I wanted my emotions stimulated pleasurably, I'd get a whore." - Donald B. Jones III

My fawn's mother was recently killed in a fire and has started hanging around some annoying talking woodland creatures. What should I do?
You fawn could use some counseling by a competant psychiatrist. Or you could stop watching so many Disney movies.

What's wrong with Disney movies?
Don't get me started. And stick to the fawn questions.

My fawn wants to get her belly button pierced and a tatoo, but I think she's too young for that. How do I convince her not to get that done behind my back?
What is this, are you people raising fawns as children now? They're WOODLAND CREATURES you sick fucks! What are you gonna ask me next, that your fawn got pregnant by the high school football star and got an abortion without you knowing?

Welll...
For the love of GOD you people need help.

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"Fascist Clay was my most favorite totalitarian boxer!" - Indie Rock Pete from Diesel Sweeties

THIS THREAD IS ABSOULUTLY HILISTICLARIOUS!!!
Oh man that's good. But my idea sucks.

My fawn is dead. What do I do?
Bury it. Be sad. Get depressed. Get a life. www.readytobefree.com

Everybody's looking for an answer,
Everybody's truly or posing as lost
Callin' Jesus, or Buddha or a nearby god,
From death's dark door to the Pentecost

Everybody needs a reason,
A reason to hope and believe
Everybody's dancing in the dark for a chance,
To get back what they know they can't retrieve

And you ask for the answers, that you want to see,
And a chauffeured ride to happy and free,
And a brand new start, to the core of the heart,
of all the things that you want to be

But the things that I've bought and paid for,
They still mean a lot to me,
Nobody waiting with a candle in the window,
Ain't nobody waiting for me

But if that's all you get no matter how hard you try,
Then I'll take mine with cold comfort,
Think of you when you start your day,
And kiss you as you slumber

(c)(p) Arthur St. James 1987

(Yeah... but it was 14 years back... give me a break)

:- )

bunner,
over here,
in the small beige house,
drunk and bored

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I wanted my half in the middle and I wound up on the edge.

Ok, sorry... see... It was that link to that thing about the Pentecostal Church, and, I wrote this stupid song ages ago, and I had been drinking since about 9:00 so... I, uh.....

Shit.

Sorry

(The fawn is making drunk message board posts.)

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I wanted my half in the middle and I wound up on the edge.

My fawn is wearing heavy black makeup around its eyes and is listening to depressing music.

Spray it with a high-pressure fire hose.

My fawn is spending all its time online on a web forum devoted to making comic strips.

Tell it to stop. I have read its strips and they [u]really[/u] suck.

My fawn is large, read, and rectangular, and insists on anally raping me with an enormous hydraulic schlong.

Run away. Now!

But I can't feel my legs.

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This signature has performed an illegal operation and has been shut down.