I don't really write a lot of comics. I only passed the 200 barrier in August 2008, having passed 100 in 2005, 50 in 2003 and made my first comic way back in 2001(!). I've never been the most prolific writer of anything, and have found that since graduating from uni I've written next to nothing, save about four pages of dialogue for a piece my friend and I have been working on for, well, the best part of a decade now, with little success.

So, as a little writing aid to jump-start my brain, I've decided to write one joke a day for as long as it takes.

I've long used comics on this site as a tool to break down more complex ideas and observations into smaller, managable chunks which can then be played around with more easily, using the constraints of the medium to trim any excesses from a joke to get it down to its bare bones - the bits where the humour comes from. The thing is, I'm sure I have at least one idea like this per day, and if I don't then given the task of needing one idea a day my brain might start making more of an effort to analyse my surroundings, which can only be a good thing as I feel I've been going through life on autopilot for far too long.

So, one comic per day (or at the very least one explanation of how a paticular joke can't be made into a workable comic per day) complete with notes on cues and inspirations.

Starting... last week:

14/4/09

World Cup Newsroom 1982 by lima 4-14-09

Brazil were wonderful in their 4-1 annihilation of Scotland. Their midfielder Socrates really asked questions of the Scottish defence. Questions like 'Is courage endurance of the soul?', 'Do I, or the City, teach?' and 'Oi, Zico, who the fuck was that to?' Finding David Narey's answers unpalatable, Socrates methodically deconstructed his defence Allowing Tostao in on goal for Brazil's third. Elenchus was noted down for the assist.

Notes

Brazil once had a star player nicknamed Socrates. He was, as well as one of the greatest footballers of the eighties, a qualified doctor and a campaigner for democracy, and therefore awesome. The fact that he was called Socrates is ripe for obvious philosopher crossovers which I'm sure have been done before.

15/4/09

Three Little Words by lima 4-15-09

I'm sure 'area' is the shortest three syllable word in the English dictionary. Aria? Yes, Positive. Urea? Well where else would I be? USA?

Notes

I wrote part of a quiz for a pub I used to work in and question two was 'What is the shortest three-syllable word in the English dictionary?' after having read somewhere that it was 'Area'. I realised 'Aria' was also viable halfway through the quizmaster reading the quiz out. Some medical students also proposed 'Urea' (Pronounced to rhyme with 'Your here', hence the joke...). I wrote this comic after remembering that night.

'USA' isn't a word (its barely a country...) but I needed an ending :)

16/4/09

The Game of Kings by lima 4-16-09

Whats this? Its the Najdorf variation of the Sicilian defence. I'm going for control of the centre of the board. My game is a tour de force against the so-called 'Hungarian Attack'. Gary Kasparov has nothing on me. I never knew Connect 4 was so complicated Then you've never played it properly

Notes

We had a cheap copy of 'Connect 4' at a pub I used to work in, and me and one of the regulars became obsessed with it for a couple of days during quiet business hours. We started borrowing chess jargon to make the game sound more important than it was. 

17/4/09

The Gym by lima 4-17-09

I've started going to the gym, and the hardest part is the changing room. I've no problem being naked in front of strangers, but is that the proper ettiquette? So naturally, after my work-out, I watched what the other guy in the changing rooms did. A dangerous game in such a testerone fuelled, homo-erotic environment.. This big guy gets out of the shower and struts through the locker room. Butt naked. When I say big, I also mean that if he turned quick enough he'd take my eye out. He stood in a shard of moonbeam, which was strange as it was 4pm, produced his locker key from somewhere, and opened his locker, and took out his things, and locked his locker, and turned away. And then drew the curtain accross the room's one and only private changing area. It appears once again I'm looking to deranged exhibitionist lunatics for advice on how to act. I had enough of that as a toddler.

Notes

A true story that had happened a few days before I wrote this. I'd recounted the tale to a couple of people and they laughed, so I transcribed it into comic form, where it works less well.

18/4/09

Occam's Barber by lima 4-18-09

Our barbershop has the latest in cutting edge cutting-edge technology. For a mere ten shillings we offer the all new ShaveMatic experience We feed your Facial Contour Index into the ShaveMatic using the Visage-Visor 3000 Then, all you need to do is lie back in the Ergotronic Comf-o-Chair, while not one, not three, not five, but seventeen Mach 3 razors swing from the sky They travel a mere thirteen yoctomillimeters from your face, giving you a shave closer than even any picophysicist could feasibly imagine. Just a wet shave please Right you are Mr. Occam

Notes

One of the first episodes in series one of House is called 'Occam's Razor'. The basic principle of Occam's Razor is "Of two equivalent theories or explanations, all other things being equal, the simpler one is to be preferred." The obvious irony of Gillette and Wilkinson's products being so complicated hit me a lot later than it should have.

18/04/09

Frontier Elite II by lima 4-19-09

'Frontier' was a far superior game to 'Elite' What? But the bugs, the boredom, the purple vacuum! Frontier isn't on the same planet as Elite Its not even in the same solar system, its beyond the Oort Cloud man, its halfway to Barnard's Star Must be on the way to trade some minerals

Notes

Aylear mentioned the Kuiper Belt in one of his comics, which made me think about the Oort cloud. In my mind the nearest thing to the Oort Cloud is Barnard's Star (In my mind, astronomers), which I know predominantly as an easy place to trade goods in the 1992 computer game "Frontier Elite II", which I played as a kid. This joke has kind of limited appeal. The one I wrote after it has slightly broader appeal...

Ghetto Hawking by lima 4-19-09

What you up to there Stephen? Pontificating on the size of our solar system, more specifically Pluto's wavering proximity to Uranus If this is going to be another joke about that beastiality conviction... Oh relax, I'm just contemplating who created the biggest belt Gerard Kuiper or your mom's tailor

...but only slightly

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kuiper_Belt

I'd voted most of these good already, but it pleases me that you're planning on making comics regularly. I've already told you you're a top favourite of mine on this site.

Another thing I found interesting was you mentioning you'd at least be trying to think of ideas daily and, failing to condense them into a three panel strip, at least explain the failure. I had previously been toying with the idea of posting some of the stuff I've been working on during my comic making process that didn't work out, or (obscenely often) just wasn't funny (albeit, to me, interesting), but I figured few enough people read my comics as it is; why should I post my brainstorming? At least when I'm posting comics in my thread I'm hoping someone will enjoy them.

I'll still be reading yours, though. No question. I'm not sure how that works, but it does.

20/4/09

World Cup Newsroom: South Africa 2010 by lima 4-20-09

England play hosts South Africa today in the opening game of group A England boss Fabio Capello has used South African politics as the influence behind his team's formation Rooney, Lampard, Gerrard and Beckham on the right.. Ferdinand, Heskey, Walcott and Defoe on the left Capello's hinted about using an Irish formation for game two, presumably involving Wayne Rooney leaving suspicious parcels in the oppositions area It makes a nice change from Neville leaving total gifts in our own

Notes

I made a few football-themed holocaust comics during the 2006 World Cup in Germany, so why not make an apartheidt one for South Africa? The last panel came to me after about ten minutes, and works quite well.

If you didn't know, Gerrard, Lampard, Beckham and Rooney are white, Heskey, Ferdinand, Defoe and Walcott are black, and Neville is shite.

While I don't find all of these particularly funny, I sincerely applaud your efforts to try and pump out a comic a day. It's beyond my abilities, that's for sure.

---
More lust than you can shake a stick at.

I found most of them amusing, albeit some too SOCCER flavored for me.

As a lazy writer who doesn't really write anymore, I also applaud your efforts to energize your other writing endeavors by cranking out a comic a day.

I would also like to mention that while I agree with you that America is barely a country (try living here...) we did at various times through history kick your monkey asses and save your monkey asses. Your welcome.

There. I felt patriotic for a moment, but it has thankfully passed now.

---
Kill Whitey.

AngryAmerican

 This

---
More lust than you can shake a stick at.

Someone'll have to dig that 'Success troll is successful' macro out of 4chan for me, as I can't be bothered.

Cheers for your comments, though. Much appreciated.

21/04/09 (It is over here anyway. I'm running about one day and three ideas ahead of schedule so far)

Porn by lima 4-20-09

You hear about that idiot male porn star? No? What? He wants to remove his own penis.  Oh  He'll have his work cut out...

Notes

Quiet day at work. This one just popped into my head apropos of nothing, ready-formed in the style of a bad Tim Vine joke. "My mum wants to dig a hole in the garden and fill it with water. She means well..."

and so on.

Just edited it to remove the words "find a doctor to" from panel two and "for him" from the end of panel three. Those bits added an extra level to the joke that it really didn't deserve.

22/04/09

Leonardo Da Vinci's Helicopter by lima 4-22-09

Signor Da Vinci! You're flying! You said your flying screw was a failure! Ah yes, well I made a few adjusments. I gave them to Mr. Breguet. I see you've painted pin-stripes on the bottom Mr. Da Vinci. As a warning to birds of prey? Don't be stupid. Its the word 'Wanker', written in tiny writing, over and over again Does Gallileo still have that telescope?

Notes

Walked past the Royal Observatory today just as a helicopter was passing overhead. Ding.

The aftermath:

Galileo Galilei's Telescope by lima 4-22-09

The stars are so bright today... wanker ...

 Almost late...

23/04/09

Waiting for the Monolingual III by lima 4-23-09

The french for 'garlic' isn't 'putain eccossais' is it? No, its 'ailles'. 'putain eccossais' means 'fucking scotsman'.... Oh for christ sake what did you do this time? This french guy pointed to our Garlic Mushroom starter and asked what was in it. I told him mushroom was 'champignon' What did you tell him garlic was? A traditional french necklace  Ah

Notes

Its been a while since my last comic about life as a monolingual waiter in a restaurant where 95% of the customers are foreign. The above didn't happen today, but I thought about it and it made me chuckle. Doesn't work brilliantly as a comic, but the idea that a frenchman would ask me what garlic was struck me as funny, you know, because of the stereotypical frenchman-in-hooped-shirt-on-bicycle-with-string-of-garlic-round-neck image.

Today is two-for-the-price-on-one, because their both a teeny bit on the average side.

24/04/09

Coccoon by lima 4-24-09

Where the hell is my coccoon, Willis? Sir? My coccoon. It was here a god damn minute ago. I want you to search every motherfucker in this building. I'm gonna get that theiving bitch's balls. You think someone stole it, sir? WELL IT DIDN'T JUST GET UP AND FLY AWAY!

The Olde English Firm by lima 4-24-09

There's a lot of talk in the papers about Glasgow's Celtic and Rangers joining the English Premiership, and what that would imply for the rest of Scottish football The best players would be given further reasons to ply their trade in Glasgow, and Scottish teams would lose millions in lost ticket sales. I say fuck it. UEFA should let them both go. Today. And then tommorrow... ...it should impose restrictions on foreign players "The new rule sees Barry Ferguson cast to the bench as a surplus foreigner..." "...In his place comes Ugo Ehiogu"

Notes

Not much to say. The phrase "He didn't just get up and walk away!" is from Loaded Weapon 1, and a I merely transposed it onto another situation. The other one is basic football satire.

25/04/09

Scouser by lima 4-25-09

You like my new bike? Its great. Who's is it? For fuck sake, not all scousers are theiving chavs. In all the time I lived in Liverpool I never even once wore a shell-suit. Is that why you had to leave?

Notes

Uh, struggling a bit now. This is based on a 'witty' remark I said over a year ago. 'Scousers' are people from Liverpool in England. The stereotypical British view of the scouser is a man with a bubble perm and moustache combination, in a shell-suit, queueing for his giro (unemployment benefit) before going out and stealing things

"Why does the river Mersey run through Liverpool? Because if it walked it'd get mugged"

Gotta love stereotypes.

It's funny for Brits. Like Eddie Izzard.

Yesterday's lack of comic was due to life related issues (i.e. I sometimes have one) but I still thought one up, and here it is in physical form, one day late.

"26"/04/09

Mandelbrot by lima 4-27-09

Ever heard of the Mandelbrot set? Its a fractal. An infinitely complex mathematical equation that plots the outline of a simple shape. But, when you magnify it... ...you find its actually made up of an infinite amount of shapes, getting more complex as you zoom in. Every magnification brings more detail, more depth. There's even a point at which, if you were to draw the entire thing to scale, the original frame would be as large as the known universe. I like that. It makes me feel that our actions do have reprecussions that change the shape of the universe, even on a tiny level So, to answer your question, yes, even in the grand scheme of things, it would matter if you sodomised my dog.  Aw

Notes

This video is pretty, but it was the one sentence in the info box that blew my mind. The obvious thing to do was write a buggery joke about it. I'll need to check back at this comic at a later date, because I'm sure it could be written better.

A simplified version of the final frame would make quite a cool tattoo. Yes it would be a bit hippy-ish, but unlike a ying yang it has that all important basis in mathematical fact.

lima

I should point out that I mean the final frame of the video, not the final frame of my comic.

Oh, and the fact that the dialogue boxes get smaller and smaller was intended, although it doesn't really work.

27/04/09

Universe Expansion by lima 4-27-09

Top scientists made the startling discovery today that, after thirteen billion years, the universe has finished expanding, and will begin its shrinking phase soon. Some scientists hypothesise that this will cause time to run backwards. Others have been quick to rebuke these claims as 'preposterous' Top scientists made the startling discovery today that, after thirteen billion years, the universe has finished expanding, and will begin its shrinking phase soon.

Notes

Another 'universey' comic. Not a very good one, mind.

28/04/09

This Joke MUST Have Been Done By Now by lima 4-28-09

Today in Britain, the Liberal Democrat party were voted into power in a landslide victory, making Charles Anglin the UK's first black prime minister. Also, Newcastle United clinched the Premiership title, Dan Brown was praised for his writing abilities and a Londoner took a bath. These events were not due to happen until, as the proverb goes, "Pigs fly" Luckily for those involved, all this was made possible by events in Mexico where, of course... ..Swineflu

Notes

Read an article about Swineflu in the paper and started thinking there must be something funny to extract from it. Its called Swineflu for christ sake.

This was the best I could do.

29/04/09

Swatting the Barflies XIII by lima 4-29-09

Ladies and Gentlemen, the Yorkshireman: Another pint of bitter? In the same glass again yeah? And the same ramble about how it tastes better if you use the same glass? Aye. Its what we do, back in 't Yorkshire. My Dad used to put a 'lastic band round his glass so he knew which one were his Last place I worked all our customers did that... ...which many would find to be a farcical situation. And therefore humorous. Its a joke... A what?

Notes

First Swatting the Barflies comic for over three years. It's OK, you can be excited.

This conversation happened, almost word for word, at work last night. Except for the last panel. In reality he just said "Aye well we all like it like that in Yorkshire" instead of recognising that a pub full of people who differentiate their glasses from each others by decorating them the same way would be ridiculous, and then carried on. Idiot. I don't like it when customers don't RECOGNISE MY COMEDY GENIUS.

30/04/09

Bees by lima 4-30-09

That shipment of giant bees you ordered have arrived. Cool. Have them taken up to the marketing department pronto What in red hell does marketing want with twenty thousand over-sized bees anyway? Its a little hush-hush, Dave, but we're using them in our latest ad campaign They're creating a huge buzz

Notes

Its a pun. What else can I say?

Other than 'sorry' of course.

1/05/09

Mayday by lima 5-01-09

Mayday! Mayday! Mayday! I'm surrounded by hawthorns!

Notes

...and this is the worst comic ever, but I couldn't have posted it on any other day.

Hawthorns traditionally come out on May 1st.

2/05/09

Slightly Autistic by lima 5-02-09

Uh, yeah, a flight to Tenerife does take about four hours from here. How'd you know? Well it takes six hours to get to Turkey, so if you imagine Turkey swung round to the west then Tenerife would be about two thirds of the way there. Thats kind of an autistic calculation. You know I could get the local hospital on the phone and they could take you away in, like, fifteen minutes. Don't be ridiculous Clive Its thirty six miles away. They'd have to travel at one hundred and forty-four miles an hour to get here in time, and the Transits it uses are limited in speed to..

Notes

The second dialogue box is something I said last week. Rightly diagnosed as being 'a little bit weird'.

03/05/09

Staying up to Watch Hatton vs Pacquiao by lima 5-03-09

4:32am From Manchester England, weighing in at one-hundred forty pounds, boasting a record of 46 fights... Just in time. Thought i'd slept through it. 45 wins... Right. Turn my alarm off, get some pants on and watch the fight ...and now with 2 defeats What the shit...

Notes

Not a true story but might as well have been. Was not worth feeling absoloutely knackered at work today for six minutes of watching a two-weight world champion forgetting how to box. I know Manny Pacquiao is a tremendous fighter but could Ricky not at least have kept his chin down and gloves up? And maybe do something other than move forwards with his mouth open and move downwards with his eyes closed?

Just a thought, and yes I could have done better. I'd have ran backwards in a circle for forty-five minutes with my head in my hands screaming like a girl and still emerged with more respect than Hatton did last night.

And yes I am a little bit annoyed.