Various People Accuse Each Other of Being My Comics by biped 5-01-09

You are CC 348: The "Paul Stanley Baby" Diversionary Tactic. You are Doggy Job Interview. You are "NON-PIERCE BROSNAN COMICS" not starring: Pierce Brosnan. You are Captain Chip Wanks Again. You are Various People Fantasize About Executing Child Stars. You are The Cow Masturbators.

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Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.

CC 348: The "Paul Stanley Baby" Diversionary Tactic by biped 2-23-07

Excuse me...aren't you Paul Stanley of that rancid-ass rock band, KISS? RANCID-ASS--? I mean, no, I am not "Paul Stanley." Come with me to the Executive Lounge and I will show him to you. Here...here is "Paul Stanley." Gah-gah. Ha, ha... once again, my "Paul Stanley baby" diversionary tactic has protected my privacy from unwanted fan intrusion... ME WANT ME'S MONEY--or me will start telling people that you AM Paul Stanley.

Doggy Job Interview by biped 7-22-06

Hello, I'm "Pup" Swerdlow. I'm here about the job interview. You didn't tell me over the phone that you were a dog. Look, if you discriminate against me because of my species, I'll have the SPCA on this place so fast it'll-- FETCH THE NICE BONE, DOGGY! FETCH! FETCH! WOOF!!! WOO--fuck.

"NON-PIERCE BROSNAN COMICS" not starring: Pierce Brosnan by biped 9-30-07

You're known as a serious method actor, Mr. DeNiro. Will you be using this in your upcoming portrayal as a gay man? Oh, definitely. In fact, I've been giving sloppy blowjobs to every man I meet for the last six weeks. NNFFF...NNNNFFFF... UNNNNNGGHHH!!! Back to you...Sally... This just in...Robert DeNiro will not be starring in the upcoming gay film, "Flaming Bull." Chip, you'd better tell Mr. DeNiro. Err...not right now, Sally! I've promised to help him rehearse a few more scenes! Well, all right, Chip, but that's the last time I'm going to be your fucking beard at Spago's.

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Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.

Captain Chip Wanks Again by biped 8-17-07

"Wank." Oh, how I hate that word. It's stupid and it should die. If I never hear that disgusting word again, it'll be too-- Oh, boy! It's CAPTAIN WANKER! Yippee!!! (AHEM!) The name is CAPTAIN CHIP, little girl! I only did those awful gay porn videos to pay for my hernia opera-- PULL YOUR PANTS DOWN AND WANK IT, CAPTAIN WANKER!!! WANK!!! WANK!!! WANK!!! YEEEEEEEE-HAAAAAAAAA!!! NFF...NFF... UNGGGGGHHHH!!! OH MY GOD!!! I'm...pa...thetic... (wee-hee-heeeep) Eww...well, there goes Chili Dog Tuesday.

Various People Fantasize About Executing Child Stars by biped 8-10-07

I want to send Gary Coleman to the electric chair. I want to lethally inject the Olsen Twins. I want to shoot "Webster" in front of a firing squad. I want to burn Dakota Fanning at the stake. I want to behead the entire Partridge Family with a guillotine. I want to hang Haley Joel Osment by the neck until dead.

The Cow Masturbators by biped 7-16-07

How many cows have you masturbated tonight, Tex? Oh, 'bout forty head, I reckon. You? Forty or fifty, thereabouts. I brung most of 'em off pretty good. I used a big ol' ear of corn on my bunch. Then I et it. It shore was good. Sometimes...I just dive right in, face first. You know... orally. Sucked off a few of the bulls, too. Too bad none of us kin sing. That's s'posed to relax 'em, too.

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Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.