I'm just one of a hundred other people trying to get famous on this site. Read if you want. Comment, if you feel inclined.

Deathbed by Arboretum 5-29-16

My dear...I'm dying. I need to know one thing before I go... is our youngest son my child? I swear on God's holy name that he is your son. Then I can die! *bluh* Thank God he didn't ask about any of the other three.

I'll See Myself Out

I was walking over here, and you wouldn't BELIEVE what was all over the road! Cats! It's a shame someone threw out all that kitty litter.

by Arboretum, 5-31-16

This Place About To... by Arboretum 5-31-16

Can I help you? I'd like a blow job done on my front patio. OH! OH! WOW!YES! YES! YES! Was that sufficent? Yeah! Can I buy that leaf blower now?

Tha Police by Arboretum 5-31-16

Some idiot got you out of here. You're free to go. Kate! You got me out! How'd you do it? You know that N.W.A song...?

Census by Arboretum 5-29-16

Can I help you? Hello. You must be Mrs. Lofting. I'm Mr. Klinzman from the Census Bureau. May I come in? Well, there's me, my husband, and the twins: Jackie and Ray, Allan and Deb, and Tracee and Johnny. Holy smokes! Did you get twins every single time? No, there were hundreds of times when we didn't get anything.

 

At the present I'm REclined not INclined but I'll comment anyway...welcome, dude or dude-ette, or Trans-dude or Bi-dude or whatever, dude!

Articulate and funny... I don't know about this site, but you're already famous in my heart.

Here's my favorite of the ones you didn't post:

Titanic by Arboretum 5-31-16

North Atlantic Ocean, March 15th, 1912, 2:20AM... (The sinking dosen't happen for another month. We'll be here a while.)

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The what mentioned above is total fiction. Please don't take it seriously!

Here's some more. I'm particularly proud of the last one, if boasting dosen't make me look like a douche.

Desperate No-Lives Ep. 2 by Arboretum 5-31-16

Bree has just called a plumber... Just finished with your plumbing, ma'am. Oh no - I forgot to go to the bank! I can't pay you with money! Well, MY plumbing's a little... clogged. Maybe you can "fix" it and we'll call it even. Oh no, I don't know anything about plumbing! Let me bake you some cookies. I'll eat your cookies anytime. Great! I hope you like Snickerdoodle!

Fours by Arboretum 5-31-16

Luke, could you please answer the next problem? I'll try. What is 22 + 22? Gee, I don't know, Mrs. Olsen. Use the fours, Luke.

Titanic by Arboretum 5-31-16

North Atlantic Ocean, March 15th, 1912, 2:20AM... (The sinking dosen't happen for another month. We'll be here a while.)

Different Views: Old Yeller by Arboretum 5-31-16

Oh geez, I can't watch that movie. It makes me cry every time. Meh, I liked The Black Cauldron Better. The shooting scene always makes me laugh. There's sadder movies than that. Do you rememer Gone With The Wind? I was only twenty when that picture came out... Sorry I'm late. I got beat up by a mob after I told someone the shooting scene dosen't make me cry. Wait, that movie's NOT about an elderly Chinese man?

Stripcreator Sesame Street by Arboretum 6-01-16

Hey, Diablo, what are the letters of the day? "F" and "U"! Ok kids, you heard Diablo! Repeat after me: F! U! F! U! C'mon kids, FU! F! U! F! U! Wait, we just got a letter from the producers. Today's letters are actually "D" and "P". Can I get a "DP" from you kids? I know you can do it!

 

 

  

 

It's been a while, so here's some more:

The Great Debate: How to pronunce "Pecan" by Arboretum 6-04-16

I'm telling you, it's PEE-CAN! No, I'm pretty sure it's PICK-AHN. "Pee-can" sounds like a hillbilly's bathroom! I'm sure you'd LOVE someone to to serve you a PEE-CAN pie with a PICK-AHN it. Us over here agree that it's actually pronunced "PECK-ANN".

Up by Arboretum 6-08-16

Ooooh, that girl way over there looks so hot... I wonder if she'll come this way... What's up? Nothing anymore.

Brothel

Beat it. We're closed.

by Arboretum, 6-08-16

Telephone by Arboretum 6-10-16

Jane's party is at six. Jane is pretty at six. Jane is pretty sick. Jane's a gritty prick. You're a shitty prick. WHAT?

Proverbs by Arboretum 6-10-16

You know, Confucius said "It does not matter how slowly you go, so long as you don't stop". Lewis Caroll said "Begin at the beginning, and go on till you come to the end...then stop". An old Zen proverb says, "The OBSTACLE is in the PATH". Thomas Carlyle said "Weak eyes are fond of glittering objects". You need to stop buying all that jewlrey, Maura. Yeah, well another Zen proverb says "When you get there, there isn't ANYTHING there." And in the immortal words of Nicki Minaj, "You a stupid hoe. You a you a stupid hoe".