Herein will be contained all the winning strips from the Comic Cup. If all goes to plan, they will comprise four coherent stories of increasing brevity. In order to allow these stories to be read uninterrupted, it would be appreciated if no one but me posts in this thread. Anyone who does is a big poo and admits it.

Understood.

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"And Wirthling isn't worth the paper he isn't printed on."

Nineteen minutes. Better than I expected.

My mum got pretty pissed at me laughing at the laptop....

.....oh shit, sorry, we'll all stop when it starts, honest.

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I am not 16 going on not 17, I know that I'm naive.

[u]Round 1 - The Calamitous One-Note Character Caper[/u]

Comic Cup 8 Round 1 Intro - Meet the crims by andydougan 1-31-02

I'm Captain Redundant. I often say superfluous words unnecessarily a lot when I talk. I'm Corporal Apathy. I've also got some special trait or something. Who cares? I'm not Colonel Perjury. I sometimes tell the truth. That's the biggest lie I ever heard. I'm Brigadier General Hyperbole. I do nothing but exaggerate. I'm the leader of our gang, which makes me omnipotent. We're going to hold up the corner shop. We'll make off with trillions of dollars! *sigh* Do we have to?

CC8 Round 1 - Crims House Party add-on by kramer_vs_kramer 1-31-02

I really can't be bothered with this, Brigadier. I mean, one trillion dollars, is it really worth it? Look, Corporal, I didn't spend years and years planning this master heist for you to chicken out. Brigadier, that was the least pathetic pun I ever heard. Thank you Colonel. You're the best Colonel in the whole entire universe, of which I am the supreme ruler. Now here's the plan... The corner shop is just across the street. It is guarded by four million trained mercenaries, with special rail guns like the one Arnie had in the film "Eraser". This all sounds too much like excessive strenuous hard work. Can't we just rob an ATM machine?

Comic Cup 8 Round 1 - Crims and Misdemeanors by wirthling 2-01-02

I'm a bit fuzzy and unsure about the plan, sir. Why are the Corporal and I both eliminating the dangerously armed guards while you and the Colonel both nap? That's a fantastic question, Captain! The astoundingly clever Colonel can help explain things for you. So by what method or manner shall the Corporal and I, without any weapons or arms of any sort or kind, offensively attack the dangerously armed guards? I have given that quite a bit of thought, and I think that a hammer and nail should be sufficient. I have complete confidence in you! Well, I am not assuredly certain that we can take out dangerously armed guards with a hammer and nail. Do you agree or disagree, Corporal Apathy? Taxi!

Comic Cup 8: Crim de la Crim by fuzzyman 2-04-02

A taxi! That's the most brilliant idea that anyone has ever thought of! We'll rob a taxi driver! They carry gazillions of dollars in tips! What do you think, Colonel Perjury? I think you're the sanest man I know. Right! No, wait! I've got a better idea! Forget robbing the bank! We're incredibly handome men! Let's woo rich widows and bilk them out of their fortunes! That idea has the possibility of perhaps maybe being fine, and even good! Later... I can't believe it's not... bigger. Bigger? If it were any bigger it would punch a hole right through the fabric of the Universe!

Comic Cup 8: The Big Score by crabby 2-05-02

That widow couldn't handle my 15 inch beef log. It went right through her back killing her instantly! Your gonna have to find a celebrity to fuck they always have ass loads of money to throw around. I've never had sex and I'm also a virgin. I'll do it because your making me and I have too. Lisa Kudrow and I'm ready and willing to allow and let you to ass fuck me by shoving your cock in my ass. Then you can take it out and I'll rub and smother pickle brine all over it and lick it clean. Call me Phoebe! So you went and screwed the bitch from friends. Give me the details before I make them up myself and jack off while I think about them! She left this note crammed and shoved up my ass! It says that she buried and hid money for me in the desert.

The Best-Laid Flans by kaufman 2-07-02

Hector? No. Marie? No. Schmendrick? Too ethnic. We've been all the way through the desert and I still can't think of a good name for our horse. Never mind that, we've reached the location of the Crown Jewels. Of course we'd have been here months before had shit-for-brains not had the world's worst French accent. 3 days earlier ... Did I ever tell you I don't really care for the taste of custard? Shut up and keep digging. The treasure of a master thespian lies just a few parsecs below. Why are we hunting and seeking the loot in this lemon-tinted saffron yellow pudding? I said it's in ze de-zert! Don't look at me. I didn't tell you he didn't spell 'desert' with 2 esses. To make it easier, we should all talk French from now on.

CC8-R1: Don't Fear The Reaper...The Crim Reaper by TheBlairZip 2-08-02

Jesus, this is the biggest fucking man-made hole I've ever seen...except for Madonna, of course! As Supreme High Wizard, I command thee - KEEP DIGGIN' !!! You know, there's a little sign over by that cactus that says "Secret Treasure Buried Over Here." I knew it all along! And, for the record, I'm not the gayest cartoon creation ever! I also did not served as Liberace's personal ass-toy back in 1968. So, should we dig where the sign is, since the treasure must be buried there, and that's what we're digging for, isn't it? The treasure, I mean. That's just what NATO wants us to think! Keep digg....HOLY FUCKSHIT! Apathy just spontaneously combusted (off-screen, to save time) and the horse is snorting the ashes! DAMN, THAT SHIT IS WHACK!!! *sniff sniff*

Comic Cup 8 - Sit-Crim by BigEvilDan 2-13-02

Fuckin' intercourse! I can't believe the late Corporal Apathy is deceased! What should we do with what's left of his remaining ashes? I'm sure Apathy would want us to leave them, you know, wherever. He'd be happier than if he were hunting for treasure with a supermodel, if you know what I mean. This is a very moving tribute, and a much better way to spend time than opening this box I dug up. Let's find out how much cash money is in this box! Wait, that's not money... ...it's a contract to appear on Friends. Why would Pheobe leave me such a trashy piece of garbage? Hey, they pay actors trillions of dollars to endure the unspeakable hell that is Friends. This is what we've been waiting eons for!

[u]Round 2 - Trial by Stripcreator[/u]

Comic Cup 8 Round 2 Intro - Flack to the butcher by andydougan 2-22-02

The Hague Bongo, you stand accused of murdering civilians, causing devastation far beyond that justified by military necessity, cruel treatment of non-combatants and crimes against humanity. How do you plead? Thusly: I BEG YOU!!! PLEASE!!! HAVE MERCY!!! I'LL DO ANYTHING!!! ANYTHING!!! JUST DON'T PUT ME IN PRISUH-UH-UH-UH-UHNN!!!!! Er, I meant do you claim to be guilty or not guilty? Oh. Then not guilty. Speaking of crimes against humanity, you should see some of the rules for this round...

CC8.2 - The Horror! by fuzzyman 2-22-02

Okay, tell us what happened in your own words. I picked up my pet forella from the chelloveck who cheests it. He was lubbilubbing it with his ooko! I wasn’t giving deng for that! Then I made him mounch my toofles. Let’s try this again without “your own words.” Did I say "toofles?" I meant "yarbles."

CC8.2 - Reply Hazy by BigEvilDan 2-27-02

Very well. If you just want to spout nonsense, we'll just have to use...THE ORB OF INFINITE TRUTH! Haw Big Yin. Gonnae gie us a tap till Giro day? All your rotor turbine are belong to us! Bush is a brilliant person and wonderful president. Later... The results from the orb have arrived. What did it say? Did it find me guilty? The results on your guilt were inconclusive. But apparently you have a secret attraction to Kevin Costner. Really? That explains a lot. For a magic 8-ball, that thing is pretty good.

The Truth Emerges by kaufman 3-02-02

The Orb of Infinite Truth has spoken. We know your secrets. You are still accused of crimes against humanity. You people have mentally violated me. I want a good lawyer now, like Johnny Cochrane or maybe Alan Dershowitz. Won't help. Kevin Costner was in "The War" with Raynor Scheine, who was in "First Kid" with Cher's ex. What's that? I'm six degrees of separation from Kevin Bacon, but yet I'm getting the third degree for this? Didn't you hear who I said you were THREE degrees from? Your counsel will most certainly be PRO BONO! Then I have no hope. I'll just confess and throw myself at the court's mercy. WATERWORLD WAS MY FAULT!

Th nd. by wirthling 3-04-02

Bongo was convictd arly today of prptrating a numbr of nfarious vil-doings, ranging from murdr to aiding and abtting Kvin Costnr. Judg Bzrkvski, xprssing outrag at Bongo's thft of a crtain vowl from th nglish languag during an arlir court rcss, handd out harsh justic. Bongo has bn sntncd to appar in 1,000 comics by Bazilla. That's gotta hurt!

[u]Round 3 - Three Reasons[/u]

Comic Cup 8 Round 3 Intro - Djinn and tonic by andydougan 3-07-02

Sob. I wish someone liked me. I'm so miserable, I'll retreat to this cave and get half-cut on this bottle of London Dry stolen from my mum. Hey, what's going on? Live you? Or are you aught that man may question? I'm a genie. For releasing me from the magic bottle, you may have three wishes! Presently... Uh, I actually meant *a lot* better looking. One down, two to go!

Ask Genie Mae by wirthling 3-07-02

Can I use a wish to get an answer to a question, oh wise genie? Do you doubt my powers? What's your question? If I roll-over my post-margin adjusted depreciation allowance from my revised capital valuation index into compensated credit, can I claim the amortized negative annuity on my taxes? You don't know, do you?! Don't you want money or power or a pony or some shit like that?

CC8.3.2: Be Careful What You Wish For by fuzzyman 3-09-02

Okay, then. For my last two wishes, I want you to make a very special man fall in love with me... and I want to have the biggest wedding celebration ever! A very special man? A man who will let me take caramel showers every day! A man with fine taste in linen hosiery! A man who will let me ride his pet sea turtle! Oh! Now I understand! I'll have to change your looks a bit to make this happen, though... Later, at the Neverland Ranch... Ready to get married, Billy Gene? Let's moonwalk down the aisle! But before we do... give Michael a cuddle, won't you? That genie better have malpractice insurance!

[u]Round 4 - Curtain Call[/u]

Comic Cup 8 Final Intro - The ego has landed by andydougan 3-13-02

Booyakasha. I'm Andy Dougan, film critic extraordinaire and outgoing Comic Cup holder. I hope you've enjoyed the competition. And if you didn't, too bad, sucks to be you. To finish the proceedings on a high, I'm going to do something absolutely astonishing and unforgettable, something which will live on down the generations... ...in the next strip. Which Cup did you compere, then? They were all great apart from that stupid one with the serials...

Pas de Dougan by wirthling 3-13-02

Ya know, I've often fantasized about having a buxom woman pour champagne all over my young, supple, naked body and then licking it all off. I have Zima. Whoa! Sorry, folks! Seems a series from an alternate universe slipped in while I prepared the tequila moat for my grand finale. And now, I will, uh... Oh, fuck it. Who the hell are you?! I don't recall asking for Scotch! And I wanted to have sex with a WOMAN! My maw says I kiss like a girl.

Can we post here now?

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

No.

How about........... now?

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This signature has performed an illegal operation and has been shut down.