Going Down to the River to Pray 1 by israphael 10-21-02

So have you done what I've asked and prepared my way on earth? Yes, my lord. Did you talk to that Mary chick? Yes, lord. When I told her that she was going to bear the messiah, she nearly shit herself. Ha Ha, I bet she did. And you lined up that prophet... What's his name... Oh yeah, John the Baptist. John?

Going Down to the River to Pray 2 by israphael 10-21-02

Joan! Joan the Baptist! For my sake, what were you thinking. It was a honest mistake. Sometimes you mumble. But a female prophet in such a male dominated culture? What makes you think they'll listen to her? Well she wears ragged clothes and when she moves just right you can see her tits and her cootchie. If these demographics weren't so good, you would be SO smited.

Going Down to the River to Pray 3 by israphael 10-21-02

The time of the messiah is at hand! Listen to my message and see some miracles! I can make a blind man see! Yeah, but can you make a dead man cum? Well can you? Moh!

Last week, the Pope introduced a new set of mysteries into the Rosary, a form of prayer that had not changed for a millenium and a half.

That got me to thinking, there has not been any new biblical story written for 2000 years. No new storys about miracles, smiting, and begetting. So I leave it up to you to write new bible stories.

Yeah, I know I'm going to hell. But figured some of you will already be there. Save me a seat at the bar.

I'll be judging some time Thursday evening.

P.S. Sorry for the delay. I just defended my dissertation today.

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"Nothing expresses the brutal grandeur of rectal polyps and anal fistulae quite like the mother-tongue of Goethe."

Hah! Beat Dan to it!

Gravitons 19:9 by fuzzyman 10-21-02

The Lord Sayeth, "These rotor turbines shalt not generate gravitons by themselves!" Amen! What the fucketh art thou talking about?

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...Trot and Cap'n Bill were free from anxiety and care. Button-Bright never worried about anything. The Scarecrow, not being able to sleep, looked out of the window and tried to count the stars.

The Burning Bush by kaufman 10-21-02

MOSES! MOSES! I NEED YOU TO DO SOMETHING FOR ME! COME TO ME, MOSES! Is that you, God? What can I do? The King of Babylon is an extremely evil man. Go out and smite him. I'll do that, my Lord. Anything else? Tell my daughters that if they set me afire again, they're grounded without liquor for a week.

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

One Day in the Firmament (when they were younger) by kaufman 10-21-02

I'm bored. Let's do something. Why don't we play the biscuit game? Sounds good to me. We don't have a biscuit. What shall we use as a biscuit? And that's why it no longer exists. How about that island down there? Atlantis? Sure. Hope you're hungry!

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

JESUS IN A MODERN HOME - INTRO by crabby 10-21-02

JESUS IN MODERN HOME ACT I by crabby 10-21-02

JESUS IN A MODERN HOUSE ACT II by crabby 10-21-02

JESUS IN A MODERN HOME ACT III by crabby 10-21-02

JESUS IN A MODERN HOME ACT IV by crabby 10-21-02

[Click to view comic: 'JESUS IN A MODERN HOME ACT V']
[Click to view comic: 'JESUS IN A MODERN HOME ACT VI']
[Click to view comic: 'JESUS IN A MODERN HOME ACT VII']
[Click to view comic: 'JESUS IN A MODERN HOME - OUTRO']

CC149: A lesson from the Book of Ethel by bonwag 10-21-02

Ethel 3:1 And it came to pass that dinosaurs gained the gift of speech which the LORD had confiscated from his people at the Tower of Babel Mee-sa no dink you should bee-a smokin, Earl. You-sa gonna die! I am the mighty Megalosaurus, the king of the dinosaurs! Ethel 3:2 And he saw that it was bad. The fans could not accept the notion of talking lizards. The LORD decided to minimise their screen-time. Ethel 3:3. The LORD spake: "Fans are very opinionated, and that's good. But I can't make a planet for fans."

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exit, pursued by a bear

CC149: Biblical Forensics by bonwag 10-21-02

Let's examine the crime scene. It's an open field. Lots of blood. What sort of sick individual would unleash such a frenzied attack? I'll question the suspects. It wasn't me. Cain, there *is* no-one else, you idiot.

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exit, pursued by a bear

I had a few of these from a bit ago...

Random Comic! Untold Religious Stories by Scyess 6-11-02

Now go forth, Moses, and free your people from bondage. Yes Lord! I will do as you command. Hey, Gary! Weren't you just supposed to tell him to change his socks more often? I got carried away -- I think it was that stupid goatee.

Random Comic! Untold Religious Stories ][ by Scyess 6-20-02

In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters. And then God found a website whereupon he could use stock art to make comic strips, and all real creation ceased as God fucked around with it for a few dozen eons. Look! The squirrel caught fire! Hehe!

Random Comic! Untold Religious Stories ]|[ by Scyess 6-20-02

And God said, Let there be light: and there was light. And God saw the light, that it was good: and God divided the light from the darkness. And God said, Let there be lite beer: and that one didn't go over quite so well. Dude! This tastes like ass! No shit! Who makes this crap, anyway?

Random Comic! Untold Religious Stories |V by Scyess 6-20-02

And God said, Let there be a firmament in the midst of the waters, and let it divide the waters from the waters. And God made the firmament, and divided the waters... "Firmament" means "ground," by the way. Right! Sorry.

Random Comic! Untold Religious Stories V by Scyess 6-22-02

And God said, Let there be lights in the firmament of the heaven to divide the day from the night; and let them be for signs... Hey, wait a second! What? I'm in the middle of a story here... You told me in the last comic that "firmament" meant "ground!" It really means "the sky!" So? That's what you get for being too lazy to look it up yourself. Serves you right. YOU DIDN'T KNOW WHAT IT MEANT EITHER, DID YOU?

[Click to view comic: 'Random Comic! Untold Religious Stories V|']
[Click to view comic: 'Random Comic! Untold Religious Stories V||']
[Click to view comic: 'Untold Religious Stories V|||']
[Click to view comic: 'Untold Religious Stories |X']

...but I'll always take an excuse to make more.

[Click to view comic: 'CC 149: Untold Religious Stories X']
[Click to view comic: 'CC 149: Untold Relgious Stories X|']
[Click to view comic: 'CC 149: Untold Relgious Stories X][']
[Click to view comic: 'CC 149: Untold Relgious Stories X]|[']
[Click to view comic: 'CC 149: Untold Religious Stories X|V']
[Click to view comic: 'CC 149: Untold Religious Stories XV']
[Click to view comic: 'CC 149: Untold Religious Stories XV|']

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"Old" is the old new.

w/o Warning - Religion vs Logic by Mack_J 10-22-02

BAHAHAHAHA! I have you now for all eternity! Your soul will be mine to torture... But don't you think that that's a bit unbelieveable given the Christian viewpoint on God as an all knowing and all loving deity? Er, what? Well, shouln't He be able to forgive my sins and heal my soul, cleansing me of my earthly sins and delivering me to his bosum for an eternity of happiness, peace, and love? Anyway... the boiling pits over there are where we'll boil you alive. Yeah, that's gonna suck...

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The dreams that stuff is made of.

w/o Warning - Will Convert For Food by Mack_J 10-22-02

If god is real, show me a sign. Behold! Jesus, son of your Lord, God, manifest as fire! Wow, that's pretty cool, but I was thinking more like a sandwich. But I'm God's son and I'm like all powerful and stuff... Yeah, well the lamb of God ain't feeding the belly of me. I'm off to the Islamic deli across the street.

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The dreams that stuff is made of.

But Jesus Made Them Bury It by kaufman 10-22-02

I'd expect this behavior from Judas, but you three? Of all my apostles, you should know better! But we've done the marketing research. It 's sure to be a big seller. Our studies indicate that "Jesus' Brother in a Box" would excite people for millennia. Can I keep the prototype? It's so cute!

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

CC149: And now, a reading from The Book of Danno. by bonwag 10-22-02

Book of Danno 3:1. Jesus gathered his disciples around him and spoke to them. "Three servants were working in the fields. Afterwards, they visited an inn for rest." Book of Danno 3:2. "They thought the inn-keeper looked like a donkey, so they... hang on. No, he looked like a *horse*. Oh, wait. Three pieces of STRING walk into the inn...or was it two? Never mind." Book of Danno 3:3. "Oh, look. Forget it. Let's not write this down, OK?". The disciples were sore amazed and wondered among themselves. "Who is this man, that even the simplest pun eludeth him?"

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exit, pursued by a bear

Latest installment:

CC 149: Untold Religious Stories XV][ by Scyess 10-22-02

Truly, truly, I say to you, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of man and drink his blood, you have no life in you; he who eats my flesh and drinks my blood has eternal life... Hey you! Jesus! That's enough miricalin' out of you, hot-shot! Who the fuck are you? You don't recognize me? I'm Adam. I'm sick of you getting all the press these days. I get one book, and you get a whole TESTAMENT! Well no longer, hippy! Prepare for a good Old-Testament beatin'! "Ow! No hair-pulling, hippy!" "Don't make me tell my dad!" "Brat!" "Fossil!" "Ow!" "Jerk!" "Cannnibalistic media whore!!" Uh, hey, John... let's leave this part out of the text, whadda ya say? Which part? The fight thing or the "eat my flesh" stuff? 'Cause that's kinda gross.

CC 149: Untold Religious Stories XV]|[ by Scyess 10-22-02

OW! FUCK! OW THIS HURTS! ARGH! HOLY SHIT! AAAAHHH!! *COUGH* *COUGH* *HACK* *WHEEZE* *COUGH* *GASP* *WHEEZE!!!* bleeaaaaahhh... *fart* Damn, John... that was just pathetic. I can't believe we followed this guy for so long. It's kind of embarassing... I'll just put "Why have you forsaken me?" and maybe add some stuff about ressurection.

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"Old" is the old new.

Um, does this count?

VERY late entry for CC 95 by Devin 9-05-02

Billings 3:16 says, "I am a colossal geek!"

Angels Out in the Field by kaufman 10-22-02

The Israelites have been righteous. And they have prayed to Me for a blessing on their livestock. So let's go to work. Raphael, you'll take care of the flocks. Michael, you'll be in charge of the horses and the oxen. And Gabriel ... I know, I know. Pink donkey duty again.

Ne'er Do Whale by kaufman 10-22-02

B-7. Miss. F-5. Hit. You sunk my battleship again. That's 497 wins for me, and 8 for you. New game, you can guess first. I'm sick of Battleship. Can't we play Stratego for a change? You know the rules, Jonah. If you want to ride inside me, we play the games I want to play.

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

HI IT IS GOOD TO BE WITH YOU ALL

LEAVE MY ANCESTORS WITH THEIR GRIEF AND HONOR by BeNN_MaKK 10-22-02

Dear God: this old Japanese man has been throuhg a lot, but I cannot take this disrespect!!! Take this American and turn him and his Internet monikers into KOREAN Blah the blah more blah superior blah EVEN THOGU YOU DO NOT WORSHIP ME AND WAKE ME UP FROM SLEEPING, OK OLD MAN, YOU GET ONE JESUS WISH!!! How do you defend your evil words now? (’Q‚«”ß‚µ‚Ý‚È‚³‚¢!!) T_T;; !!

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FABULOUS TREASURE