So... anyhow...

Cool Jesus Vs. Whiny Jesus by ArtemisStrong 10-27-02

Oof. I know he's gonna go to town with this one.. but I really got to know... Dude? What's wrong? You have that dopey look on your face like you want to ask me something. Well, yeah. I was kinda' wondering... and don't make fun of me.. but. Does this loincloth make me look fat? Shit man, you must think real lowly of me. Is that all I am to you, just some sort of agitator? Boy, you're exceptionally surly this morning. Yeah, well you try hanging from holes driven through your palms all day and see how chipper you are. ... uh... oh...

So... yah...

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Ham-fisted ham fisting.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. That's pretty funny.

I am still alone... but now at least I'm experiencing immense bodily pain as well.

My Wang Hurts. by ArtemisStrong 10-27-02

I learned a very important lesson today. Never, ever put Vick's Vapo Rub on your erect penis. Let's just say it's not as much fun as it may seem on paper, and leave it at that.

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Ham-fisted ham fisting.

And then this too, as well, also

Wet Blanket Jesus Gasses Up Cool Jesus by ArtemisStrong 10-28-02

How was that chili dog? BUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRAAAPPPP!!!! I told you that you needed to reinforce your crosses' base....

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Ham-fisted ham fisting.

If funnyness was oil, we wouldn't be going to war with Iraq.

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"I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown." -- mrjass@mindless.com

yeh, well...

Mr. Knows-All Is A Killjoy. by ArtemisStrong 10-28-02

Don't even bother man. I know you're sneaking up on me. I'm omniscient, remember? Dizzamn.

... so there.

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Ham-fisted ham fisting.

"Mr. Knows-All is a Kill Joy" is quite funny, though I'm not exactly sure why. The rest of your stuff is good, too. Nice work.

Much, much better than my crap, but then, a three-legged squirrel would be funnier than me, so that's not saying a lot.

The 'Mr. Knows-all' Seems remarkably reminiscent of my 'Ele-Mental' stuff.

Exhibit A

Ele-Mental: It's What's for Dinner! by DaveMonkey 3-14-02

"Who are you?" "As I have said before, I am the Ele-Mental. The force of God almighty." "God?" "Indeed. Wherever Satan sends his minions, there shall I be." "If that's the case, how do you explain the Backstreet Boy's continued existence?" "We're working on that..."

and

Exhibit B

When Worlds Collide... by DaveMonkey 3-18-02

"Wait a minute. Aren't you... "The Ele-Mental, yes." "Then you'll know I'm..." "... A Jehova's witness. Nice try, but people aren't going to be badgered into religion." "Do you know..." "...Behind the dresser. If I were you, I'd stop it before I went blind."

Yours is pretty funny, though.

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"Chance!? You had your chance, and you gobbled its balls!"

Spiffy.

I'd say 'Woo yay,' but this isn't the place for that.

Muy spiffy.

(Eric proceeds to smack himself for saying something as corny as "muy spiffy.")

;)

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I has a flavor!

It's "muy spiffamente." :-P

Well, thanks for all the kudos.

Does nothing for the permanent emotional scarring from my tumultuous upbringing though.

But doing stuff like this helps:

Spineless Jesus Just Can't Win With Cool Jesus. by ArtemisStrong 10-30-02

Alright man, I'll check you later! What's that? ... Yeah?... No shit! AHAHAH-HAH-HAHAH! Okay, bro, see ya'll soon! Wh-what were you and Satan talking about? What was so funny? Were you talking about me? Stow it, man. I mean, come on, gimme a break. No, but I heard my name. What were you guys talking about? What did he say about me? Come on, tell me! Dude, just... Nevermind. I- BAH-HAH-HAA. I can't even L-Look at you, with-without c-cracking up-PAHAHAHAH! Shit that's gonna' be hilarious!

.

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Ham-fisted ham fisting.

This will dry my tears

Rednecks ARE dumb. by ArtemisStrong 10-31-02

Phone? Phone, dial the pizza place for me. Tell them I want 2 (two) large pizzas, 1 (one) with mushrooms, the other with pepperoni. Pronto!... Phone? Phone, respond please. Damn hillbillies will never understand the information era. I think the damn-blasted thing's broken.

Now, what do I do about the massive hemorrhaging?

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Ham-fisted ham fisting.

Kill yourself. The comics are good but the "oh, poor me, I'm so tortured" posting style is getting a bit old.

The first comic was the best. The rest are pretty good, too.

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Batman created by Bob Kane

I feel better now. I slapped my willie red raw last night.

Soon after, I made this:

Barry Wants To Hoogy-Boogy With A Hot Piece His Friend Knows by ArtemisStrong 11-01-02

So, what'd you want me to tell her again? Ask her what she thought of me. But make it casual! Ease her into it. Would you fuck Barry? The guy from last night? EHHH! What, dude? Too subtle? What do you think she means by "restraining order"? That's a typo, right?

Then, I immediately slipped back into a deep, drug-addled depression. Thanks, Heroin!

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Ham-fisted ham fisting.

Masturbation and Heroin. You must be from Edinburgh.

In my hallucinations last night, I envisioned this:

Jolly Hanging Balls. by ArtemisStrong 11-03-02

Ohh.. the big day's almost upon us!!! You excited, Paulo? Excited as I'll ever be! It's nice we can have these informal chats from time to time, Paulo. Sure is, sir! Very nice. Back to work now, Paulo. I don't pay you to stand around looking stupid. Right away, sir! I love my work!

Pity my soul...

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Ham-fisted ham fisting.

I've felt uninspired of late.
Here's why:

A True, Real-Life Story Based On Real True-Life Events. by ArtemisStrong 11-19-02

Oh yes... so today, I got a form letter informing me that I was no longer being considered for a place in the grocery department of my local supermarket. Y'know... the guy who sprays the carrots? Which is good. I know I'm better than that. Just means I'm over-qualified. That's actually the response I was looking for. Really bolsters my self-image. So.. uhmm... does anyone have any pre-tied nooses availbale on eBay? Maybe some razors?... A screwdriver? Anything...

I need a drink...

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Ham-fisted ham fisting.

I drank.. and I felt ready to make another little contribution to my opus... :

Naggy Jesus And Cool Jesus Really Go At It This Time. by ArtemisStrong 11-20-02

What do you want for Christmas dude? I'm hoping for a Gameboy Advance. Ehh? Well, maybe, like, I dunno... A Bacardi gift set, complete with collector's shot glasses. But doesn't it say in Proverbs, Chapter 23, Verse 20, "Do not associate with winebibbers; be not among them nor among gluttonous eaters of meat."? Preachy, preachy. So.. what.. y-you think you're better than me? Is that what it is, huh? So that's how it's gonna be?! No, it's not your alcohol dependency that bothers me... it's your temper, and your attitude, and the fact you always- It's because I'm black, aint it? Just- Just don't talk to me... (cracker-ass cracker)

I have to go
hug the toilet now ...........................................................................................................

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Ham-fisted ham fisting.

A family-friendly holiday tale of a personal journey and the joys of private moments:

Forest Of Ennui, Episode One, The Fanta Menace. by ArtemisStrong 11-20-02

Shh! Don't let anyone know I'm back here, okay? I'm having a sulk. Nice day for a sulk... I like the smell back here... Reminds me of Grape Fanta.

,

Forest Of Enuii, Episode Two, Attack Of The Ramones. by ArtemisStrong 11-20-02

Hurm.. What's this here, a new decoration? Ow! Fucking Chibas! I think I.. owwwwwww... I think I... got a pine needle in my eye! And I was just about to beat on the brat! Can't even get off a good wank today...

,

Forest Of Enuii, Episode Four, A New Bar Of Soap by ArtemisStrong 11-20-02

Ohh, wait! I think I've found the first present under the tree! It's stuffed between two of the branches... And it's addressed to ME! And.. It's... ahhhh... soap... A bar of soap? Soap? Soap! Oh, but it's scented with slight accents of jasmine... great... boo-yah... awesome... totally tubular.

,

Forest Of Enuii, Episode Five, The Entire Stroked Sack by ArtemisStrong 11-20-02

The smell of jasmine has me... strangely aroused... Oh, it appears my "Christmas Log" has returned. Mmmm... ohh yeh... oh yehhh... mmmm... oh, Oprah, allow me... uhhhhh... Gross... Hands all sticky now... But I didn't feel like I ca- Oh, crap! I got sap all over me! Fuckfarts!!

,

Forest Of Enuii, Episode Six, The Reruns Before Bedtime. by ArtemisStrong 11-20-02

Well, it's getting late, better come out now. I think the "Dancing Midget" episode of Peaks is on Bravo in a few minutes... "W-W-Where she'ssss frrrom, the birds sssing a pretty song."

Praise The Lord.

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Ham-fisted ham fisting.

And yes, I only spelt ennui correct in the title of the first one... that's why I drink bleach.

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Ham-fisted ham fisting.

Make it one for Michael Jackson's baby, and one more for the roaaad...

My Lips Attain A Stain. by ArtemisStrong 11-21-02

Fayd... Fayyyyd... My precious Fayd... So beautiful... I want to kill that Paul Atreides. And you'll get your chance soon enough... BRING ME MY BOY-SERVANT!!!

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Ham-fisted ham fisting.

tHE bEAST tURNS oN iTS mASTER. *dum-dum-dum* by ArtemisStrong 12-19-02

Whatsamatter, Tob? HOW I WISH I COULD EXPRESS MY EMOTIONS IN TERMS OUTSIDE OF CORNHOLING!!! Ohh, come on an' try. Just think your words through carefully. I A-AM S-S-S-SOO SO- I AM SO- SA-SA- D- D- SA-DAHHHH! ME CORNHOLE NOW!!! Well... you almost got it all out. Do you feel any better? YES. ME FEELS A GREAT DEAL RELIEVED, NOW, YES. SO... HOWABOUT THAT CORNHOLE THEN?

My first real Tobor comic...

*sniff*

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Ham-fisted ham fisting.

Good stuff Artimus - keep at it. :)

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The woman said, "Sir, if you were my husband, I'd poison your tea." Churchill replied "madame, if you were my wife, I'd drink it.