This is TEH FUNNY: www.arcataeye.com/police
With such gems as:
1:43 p.m. A man in a van told a woman passenger to get out or he'd "kick her butt." She did, and vanman was soon spotted invoking the chilling spectre of ass damage at someone else. Then he went away.

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Jesus saves, but everyone else in a 10 foot radius takes full damage from the fireball.

8:27 p.m. An inflatable sex doll valued at $150 to $200 was grabbed from a Northtown porno emporium by a man in the standard-issue hooded sweatshirt. Two cohorts waited outside for the dollnapper, and the three spirited their latex love object away toward a nearby apartment complex and an uncertain destiny.

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Jesus saves, but everyone else in a 10 foot radius takes full damage from the fireball.

12:15 p.m. A dark-haired man reported staggering in Alliance Road traffic was never located, probably because that describes the bulk of Arcata's free-range manhood.

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Jesus saves, but everyone else in a 10 foot radius takes full damage from the fireball.

5:06 p.m. Alfred was warned not to trespass at the cheese steak shop near his newly defoliated lair.

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Jesus saves, but everyone else in a 10 foot radius takes full damage from the fireball.

4:51 p.m. Two girls called 911 to report that they were drooling. Isn't that cute? Fortunately, no one was raped, robbed or murdered while cops were distracted with this.

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Jesus saves, but everyone else in a 10 foot radius takes full damage from the fireball.

4:26 p.m. As a Plaza eatery came to life in preparation for evening diners, grills were fired up, tables were set and the floor vacuumed. About this time, a Plazoid wandered in to use the pay phone in the hallway, but the whooshing floor cleaner made it rather too hard for him to concentrate on his conversation. Soon thereafter, a major BAM! and some subsidiary wham-bang-booms were heard by office workers on adjacent floors, who wondered what the...?

Evidently, the excitable fellow had become "perturbed" at the droning vacuum cleaner and did the only logical thing –bodily wrenched not just the pay phone, but the entire carved-oak phone frame from the wall. His sense of justice unsatisfied, the enraged conversationalist dragged the massive telephone assembly down the hallway with ripped wire entrails flopping along behind as he ineffectually hammered at the restaurant's walls and cut-glass windows with the plastic phone handset in a shrieking display of protest at the unfairness of the situation.

When he reached the Chef's Special sign a few feet away, matters took another ugly turn as the flimsy plexiglass holder advertising tantalizing Fresh Ahi topped with a piquant lime-butter sauce, served with rice pilaf and grilled pineapple slices, $14.95, was mercilessly sundered from its mount and left to languish on the floor. With his conquest over pressure-molded plastic items demonstrated to a degree certain, the testosterone-charged soul then wandered down a passage fortunately bereft of punishable outcroppings, which led him to the street and a fresh start in life, one hopefully free of mean vacuum cleaners.

But, as employees looked on agog at the entertainment rampage, the raging rambler offered an innovative final flourish upon his exeunt –that of hurling an umbrella at a white-hatted kitchen assistant whose lettuce-chopping activity evidently linked him to the vacuum's cruel effrontery. And at that, he was gone, if not soon forgotten.

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Jesus saves, but everyone else in a 10 foot radius takes full damage from the fireball.

2:27 p.m. Young lads with skateboards hung out on the Plaza, which just didn't sit right with one man. He was first heard from far away, "yelling and screaming and cursing about everybody and everything," said a witness. "Yaaaaaaarrrrrgh!" he was quoted as saying. The vocalist approached the wheeled teens and tried to take a skateboard, but the alert teen "jerked back." At that, the man reportedly tried to grab the youth's arm, growling, "C'mon, c'mon." The youth pushed him away, and at least one of the teens was ready to take the errant fellow on. The alleged aggressor then wandered a short distance away, perhaps mustering his will for the next ill-conceived onslaught, which involved another arm grab, again resisted. An associate of the man then walked him away. It was not long before the fellow was seen standing in the intersection of Eighth and G streets, yelling, "I'm not in the street!" An officer finally got his attention, and though the man didn't like the idea of a citizen's arrest, matters were pretty much out of his hands at that point.

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Jesus saves, but everyone else in a 10 foot radius takes full damage from the fireball.

Brad needs to form a "Posturbation" forum.

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I am a delicate fucking flower. https://beacons.ai/jesskent

I was bored.

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Jesus saves, but everyone else in a 10 foot radius takes full damage from the fireball.