Most of you know the drill. For those of you who don't, here it is.

There are ten rules. I know this because I made them all up. I have them written down on a sheet of paper. You have to tell me what they are. You can do this by posting things that you think are rules, or by posting a comic that you think conforms to the rules. Then I'll tell you if you're right or not. The first person to demonstrate to me that they know what a given rule is will get a point. Whoever has the most points when all ten rules have been discovered gets first crack at moderating the next contest (and also gets called a geek by the rest of us).

I encourage you to make strips of your own and post them. I will be more generous with the hints in reponse to actual comics.

As has been done in some previous contests, one of the rules is a continuation of the one before it. I personally don't like doing that, but I was rather attached to one rule which I didn't feel it was fair to use without the prerequisite.

I'll start with the traditional four-strip opening. And then I'll go bash my brains out trying to write a long palindrome without the use of certain key consonants. Don't expect that one until tomorrow night.

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The what mentioned above is total fiction. Please don't take it seriously!

Conforms to rules 1 - 5. Breaks rules 6 - 10.

In 20 years, there will be a Quantum Leap movie, like so: by evil_d 6-20-01

For the love of Moses, Al, where the hell are you? Get me home, already, for Chrissakes. I've been jumpin' all over creation for half my life and now I'm stuck in this damned nowhere dimension. Al!! Right away, Sam. I'm comin'. Hang on. Practice your anger management techniques while you wait. Al Calavicci, at your service. I'm taking you back, finally. But there's a terrible apocalyptic war in the future. I mean my present. I mean -- just come back with me, Sam. You have to fix everything. You look a mite different, Al. Excellent observation, Sam. I can assure you there's a perfectly rational, excessively complex scientific explanation for that. Later on, I'll tell it to you. Damn it, Al, I'm getting too old for this. Let's just leap on back so I can narrowly defeat this undoubtedly dark and gothicky yet somehow unimpressive final villain.

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The what mentioned above is total fiction. Please don't take it seriously!

Breaks rules 1 - 5. Conforms to rules 6 - 10.

I have the body of John Wilkes Booth by evil_d 6-20-01

http://pro-rock.com/lyrics_clutch.html Like Marlon Brando, but bigger. He found that creature at the bottom of the deep down Susquehanna River. This one I had stood right on up to me; tore out his hook and declared himself a prodigy. But oh no, fishing ain't what it used to be. I've seen some bad years, but this one is just killing me. One little nibble in thirteen years, he really packs 'em in. This one he had, he seen it in dreams, all shacked up with lightning and horizon beams. Well I bring 'em on up and then I pack 'em on in, in all the places I've been, and I swear it's never been like this before -- least not since nineteen and fourty-four. But today, you made a sick discovery! Lead box in Sassafras Cove! Well you brought him on up and then you packed him on in, oh yes. Now you're really cashing in. I have discovered the body of John Wilkes Booth! Yes, it's true, I have Mr. Booth. Everybody got to make a living somehow. Do I hear a million? Well I bring 'em on up and then I pack 'em on in.

Before you go nuts over everything that looks weird about that strip, visit the URL in the narration.

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The what mentioned above is total fiction. Please don't take it seriously!

Conforms to all ten rules.

Admit it, you've had this fantasy before by evil_d 6-20-01

Sweetie, I'm so glad I saved you from those stupid earthlings. They could never appreciate you, not like I do. I want to make you glad, too. We'll be so happy together, you'll see. I love you, baby, I lust for you, you know I do. We'll be all magicky together. We'll be like Kennedy and Monroe, we'll do it back and to the left, you know what I mean? "Look, Skipper, the Professor made a new--" *BONK* *CRASH* "Gilligan! Wait'll I get my hands on you!" Kinky, baby! You like it rough? We can definitely do it that way, honey. This is gonna be the start of something wonderful, I can tell.

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The what mentioned above is total fiction. Please don't take it seriously!

Does not conform to any rules.

I always thought he was the son of Abraham by evil_d 6-15-01

Hey, Clango. Why the long face? I just finished reading "I, Robot". It always saddens me to think that such a brilliant author as Isaac Asimov is no longer with us. Isaac Asimov, huh? Wasn't he the guy who discovered gravity? No, you're thinking of Isaac Newton. I thought he was the guy that invented those cookies. Oh, wait -- it's not a cookie, it's fruit and cake! I think I'm about to break the First Law of Robotics.

I figured there was no reason to make a whole new comic that didn't follow the rules when I had plenty of old ones that would do.

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The what mentioned above is total fiction. Please don't take it seriously!

Hahahaha! I don't know about any rules, but that comic kicked ass!

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100 pounds of shit in a 25 pound sack.

Uber Squirrel by gabe_billings 6-21-01

Power! True power almost is my clutches! You fools will rue the day you decided to fire me! The uber-squirrel is almost complete! Everything is set. All you need to do is hop on in the transmogrifier and wait. You might want to bring something to read. And a few band-aids wouldn't hurt. No thanks, Mr. Doctor, sir. I'm worried about what your tinkering will do to my food supply. Can you make my nuts bigger too? I wouldn't worry too much about food, champ. If your skin doesn't fall off in a day or two you'll be lucky. So that's your plan, eh? I think it sucks. You can take your transmogrifier and stick it where the sun don't shine.

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100 pounds of shit in a 25 pound sack.

[comic]23194
[/comic]

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100 pounds of shit in a 25 pound sack.

Which, the Asimov one? I like that one, myself. :)

Uber Squirrel
Follows: 1, 4, 7, 10
Breaks: 3, 5, 6, 8, 9
Maybe: 2

This Ain't the Droid You're Looking For
Follows: 1, 3, 4
Breaks: 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10
Maybe not: 2

I'll tell you up front that "Reprint the lyrics of a Clutch song" is not one of the rules. Way to suck up, though.

You obviously know what rule 4 is. Good job with it, too. I figured you'd be the one to guess it.

You almost certainly know rules 1, 7 and 10. Nice overkill on rule 7.

Whether you know rule 2 or not, I don't think I can give you credit for it. Your intentions aren't clear enough in either strip. If I had to make a final decision, I'd say the first strip follows rule 2, but the second doesn't. Fortunately I don't have to make a final decision right now.

Good show, old bean. Keep them coming, folks. I've got another fully compliant strip scripted. I'll bring it to life sometime tonight or tomorrow morning.

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The what mentioned above is total fiction. Please don't take it seriously!

Nice job fucking up my head. All the rules I thought I was following were from 1-5. I didn't think I knew 7 or 10.

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100 pounds of shit in a 25 pound sack.

All your *BEEP!* by gabe_billings 6-21-01

All your base are belong to *beep*; all your base are belong to *beep*; all your base are belong to *beep*; all your base are belong to *beep*... Shut up. All your base are belong to *beep*; all your base are belong to *beep*; all your base are belong to *beep*; all your base are belong to *beep*... I'm serious. Do I have to get the magnetic tape eraser? ^CLONK!^ All your base are belong to us. Thanks. Sometimes I get stuck. Do that again and I'm replacing you with a toaster.

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100 pounds of shit in a 25 pound sack.

Eye Eat Paste by gabe_billings 6-21-01

Boy, are those little punks gonna be sorry they messed with us. I'm gonna have a monopoly on kicking their ass. I've got a good idea. Why don't we dress up in the Smokey the Bear costume? That sounds like a plan. Pummeling kids is always better dressed up in a funny costume. Excellent. I'll go get the stuff and meet you back at your place. This'll be unreal. Tournament whupass at its best! Mrs. Smith? The birthday party is all set. We'll be there as soon as we get the stripper into the cake. Excuse me? Did you say stripper? I said between the ages of five and eight!

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100 pounds of shit in a 25 pound sack.

All your *BEEP!*
Follows: 8
Breaks: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 9, 10

Eye Eat Paste
Follows: 1, 2, 7, 10
Breaks: 3, 5, 6, 8, 9
Close Enough: 4

You still know what rule 4 is. You probably stumbled over 10. I'm still convinced that you know what 1 and 7 are, but maybe you're just getting lucky. You're probably very close on 2. And you probably have no idea why the first strip follows rule 8. 8 might actually be the toughest one to figure out, though it's one of the easiest to do by accident.

This is fun, even if there's only one contestant. Come on, everyone else, steal Gabe's victory while he's still relatively clueless!

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The what mentioned above is total fiction. Please don't take it seriously!

I've been looking, but right now I'm beyond relatively clueless. Think I'm stumped on all 10. Will post when you pop out of my blind spot.

==Ken

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

Maybe this will help. It's fully compliant.

Death is not a lumberjack, but he plays one on the internet by evil_d 6-22-01

Somewhere, in an alternate universe, on a planet very much like our own, but where Al Gore won the 2000 U.S. presidential election.... You can't be here for us, Mr. Reaper! With President Gore in office, we trees are safe! Zounds, you flora are naive. I'm afraid Gore's talk of "environmental concern" is nothing but a front for his avarice. Yikes! Say it ain't so, Death! We've been played like a dime-store kazoo with two broken strings! God, you kids scare easy. Tell ya what I'll do, since I'm such a nice guy. I'm thirsty, so I'll pop off and get a Tab. But when I get back, y'all're goin' down like Archduke Franz Ferdinand. Yeah, right... that pride will be his downfall! Alright, trees, let's move out! This place is gonna be a desert when he gets back!

As a bonus, this strip actually complies with rule 5 twice, rule 7 three times, rule 8 twice (three times if you're Dr. Pedantic), and rule 9 twice. (You could argue that it complies with some other rules multiple times as well, but so have most of the other strips, and it's the nature of those rules to be in continuing use throughout a strip.) As a trade-off, I'm being a real bastard about rule 4 in this one. But I assure you that it does follow rule 4. Consult a reference book if you doubt it.

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The what mentioned above is total fiction. Please don't take it seriously!

quote:

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I'll tell you up front that "Reprint the lyrics of a Clutch song" is not one of the rules. Way to suck up, though.

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Because several of the rules concern dialogue. There are a few reasons why I picked the particular song I did. (Other than the fact that it was stuck in my head.)

Just to clarify, the reason Eye Eat Paste doesn't quite comply with it... let's say you took it too far.

Here's a hint. There is no rule about backgrounds as such. However, judicious choice of backgrounds is probably the easiest way to comply with one of the rules.

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The what mentioned above is total fiction. Please don't take it seriously!

I know why 'Eye Eat Paste' doesn't quite fit the bill for #4. I was just sending you a message.

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100 pounds of shit in a 25 pound sack.

I assumed you were doing the same with "Uber Squirrel".

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The what mentioned above is total fiction. Please don't take it seriously!

This Contest Hurts My Head by gabe_billings 6-23-01

Really? I would have thought you'd live somewhere a little more upscale. Eh, what are you gonna do? When I moved back it was the first place I found. Now I'm too lazy to look for something new. Couldn't you just take a little time on the weekends? I mean, Martin Luther King Blvd is pretty deep in the hood. That's true. But as long as nobody boosts my Caddy I don't mind too much. Plus it's hard to find an underground home these days. Underground? Why would you want to live underground? Makes heating and cooling costs cheaper. Plus it's closer to the CHUDS.

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100 pounds of shit in a 25 pound sack.

This Contest Hurts My Head
Follows: 4, 5, 6
Breaks: 1, 2, 3, 7, 8, 9, 10

You probably know rule 6. If you knew rule 5, I think you'd have better uses for it.

I really didn't mean to make this so difficult. I was actually afraid it would be too easy, and put in red herring or two to throw people off. I see I needn't have bothered. (Oddly, you don't seem to be going for the herrings, either.)

I think this last strip may have been making a stab at rule 3. If it helps at all, I'll tell you that rule 3 actually specifies something that can't happen, rather than something that must. I guess you could express it either way, though.

I'm thinking up another strip right now. Hopefully it'll help.

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The what mentioned above is total fiction. Please don't take it seriously!

It's always easier when you're making the rules. :)

I think one thing that makes rules easy or hard is their type. They can be roughly categorized into two chunks.

There are the basic rules, that are generally governed by things like alphabetization, numerical order, postion in the forms on the comic creator page, etc. Things that a person with with no specialized knowledge would be able to sort out through logic and common sense.

Then there are the obscure rules, which call for the puzzlegoer to have some prior knowledge. I assumed that US presidents would be pretty easy to see, but obviously it was harder for DexX. DexX thought Beatles lyrics were easy to spot, but it was a pain in the ass for me.

So how many of your rules are the confusing kind?

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100 pounds of shit in a 25 pound sack.

And since we can both post comics and guess, I'm going to give guessing a try... I'll save the single rule that I'm absolutely sure of, since it's kind of fun when you find it. But here are my brainstorms for everything else...

Speaking of patterns, this one jumped out right off the bat. Since all four of your first comics followed it, I was sure it was a rule and not just a mistake.

I thought the background had to fall alphabetically between both the character groups and the characters.

Good:
WIGU Props
WIGURube Phone

Bad:
Threereasons Dexx
Feetforears Satan

Everything was great up until the comic about Death and Gore, which blew that theory out of the water.

I think you need to use at least one prop.

After the first couple comics, I thought you needed to use the word you/your like 8 or 9 times, hence the 'All your base' comic to see if that was true.

Name of an assassin, or someone that's been assassinated?

Name a background?

A character from the Dexx group must appear in the right side of some of the panels.

Name a game? (This one was stretching. You used the word 'magicky' and then 'half my life'. Magic, Half Life. I know, thinking too much...

That's about all I got for now.

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100 pounds of shit in a 25 pound sack.

Conforms to all ten rules.

I'm afraid I can't do that, Lee by evil_d 6-23-01

Fucking computer! Using this thing is like watching "Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood" with no eyes... and an extra leg... or something. Okay, buster, listen up. You're gonna change course and head back to earth now, or I'm gonna get all Lee Harvey Oswald on your ass. UNKNOWN COMMAND. ### PLEASE RESTATE. Right, then. Prepare to face my wrath.

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The what mentioned above is total fiction. Please don't take it seriously!

I tried to get a good mix of detail-focused rules and content-focused rules. I also tried to make it so that it should be easy enough to do a little internet reasearch if you don't have the requisite knowledge.

I would say that about half of the rules fall into each category, but the distinction is blurry in some cases, so I don't want to confuse anyone by giving actual numbers.

I think two rules require previous knowledge. One you've got (see below). The other may be more obscure than I first thought. I'm trying to make it suggest itself.

quote:

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Speaking of patterns, this one jumped out right off the bat. Since all four of your first comics followed it, I was sure it was a rule and not just a mistake.

I thought the background had to fall alphabetically between both the character groups and the characters.

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