All comics by Hammer55

 

by Hammer55
11-15-09
Hi there
Uh, hello? Can I help you?
I sure hope you can. I, um, I don't know how to do this...
Can you speed it up son? I'm late for a meeting in Texas with W. and Cheney.
Ok, sorry. I'm running out of student loan money and I'm here to offer my soul if you will help me finish school.
Selling your soul for money, huh? We do that here. I'll have my assistant draw up the paper work. Soul Damnation Services are on the second floor. Ask for Ann Coulter.

 

by Hammer55
11-15-09
I pulled you over for D.W.W. I'm going to need license and registration.
What the hell are you talking about? D.W.W.?
D.W.W. Driving While White. White guy, nice car, it all looks suspicious. Doesn't make sense, so I need to investigate. Car might be stolen or you might have drugs or guns on you.
You can't pull me over and harass me for the color of my skin!!
Sucks doesn't it?

 

by Hammer55
11-15-09
Welcome back to Fox News. We have breaking news tonight .
Yes we do. Scientists and historians working here at Fox have discovered the origins of numerous evils that have plagued mankind throughout history.
What you are about to hear may disturb you, but it should not come as a shock. Democrats are now proven to be the root of all evil. Their list of atrocities is staggering.
It really is: the Pubonic plague, hiccups, cancer, hurricanes, the Crucifiction, dead kitties, dry skin, darkness, and bed head are all deeds that have Democratic origins.
Truly, stunning. Stay tuned for more as the list will surely grow.
Thank you, and stay tuned for the O'Reilly Factor next on Fox.

 

by Hammer55
11-15-09
Why have you returned empty handed?
Sorry boss, I just couldn't do it.
What do you mean? It was all set!! Glenn Beck's appendix was ready to burst! We could have had him.
Well, I kinda got to know the guy and to be honest, he doesn't seem to be our type.
Not our type? How so?
He wears that damn tri-corner hat, his lips are always wet and looking like he's ready to drool, and he's an ass. I did us a favor. You don't want to work with him for an eternity.

 

by Hammer55
11-15-09
Somewhere in Afghanistan
You know what's really weird? I don't remember what we're doing here.
You don't remember? You can't recall that guy who got us into this, and then got to retire and walk away from all this?
Oh yeah!! Now I remember!! Little guy with beady eyes and daddy issues. Got it.
Yep, that's him.
When I got mad at my father I just slammed doors or played my radio loud. I never thought to start a couple of wars.

 

by Hammer55
11-16-09
NEXT!!!
Are you serious? Jesus in my office?
I know it might seem unbelieveable my child, but even the son of God needs to be cautious.
You're insured right?

 

by Hammer55
11-16-09
Sent back in time to suppress evolution, a Vatican emissary prepares for his mission.
If I fail, oh boy. I don't even want to think about it. The people must never know the truth!
Upon arriving the priest finds the leader of the evolutionary movement.
What's up my brother? Banana?
SHIT!! You can already talk? This is worse than we thought!!
I'm prepared to offer you an unlimited supply of bananas for you and your people forever in exchange for your eternal silence.

 

by Hammer55
11-16-09
Zeus!! My old friend!! What have you been up to?
HA!! God you old jokester, as if you didn't know!
Speaking of jokes, I have a favor to ask of you. At 10:30 I'm expecting the soul of Jerry Falwell. I want you to greet him. I'll go hide behind that cloud.
Totally dude!! That'll be great!! He'll freak out when he sees me!!
Absolutely! I should make you black or Arabic. That will really get him.
Wow, you think of everything.

 

by Hammer55
11-16-09
That was some crazy apocalypse, huh?
That's an A-Rab! I bet he caused all this!
Hello friend? Can you hear me? I think we might be the last two people on Earth.
What do I do now?
What is this?
I have spent my whole life fearing and hating you people. I'm not gonna start liking you now!

 

by Hammer55
11-16-09
When times are dark, when evil lurks everywhere, when it seems like no one can help...
A new hero will emerge to fight the good fight!!
Sent from the far right, Captain Righteous will defend America from racial equality, gay rights, tolerance, and common sense!!

 

by Hammer55
12-13-09
Welcom back to FoxNews. We report, we decide.
Yes, Welcome back.
Fox news has uncovered clear evidence that homosexuals do not deserve equal rights.
That's right Skip. We are basing our report on that fact that gays don't exist.
That's right Holly. Homosexuals are no more real than global warming.
But if they did exist, they would be evil and dangerous!

 

by Hammer55
12-13-09
Somewhere in America, at this moment, maybe in your own neighborhood...
...two men who love each other, and just happen to be gay are plotting the downfall of traditional family values!
Not really, they're just making a grocery list. They're so different from us! How dangerous...

 

by Hammer55
12-13-09
Outside a courthouse in a state that allows gay marriage...
What the hell are you supposed to be?
I am the protector of morality! No homosexual shall pass to be married!
So...you feel qualified to impose your beliefs on others?
Absolutely. The Bible tells me to protect all that is moral and just.
Moral and just includes violence? You got alot of anger. Why is that?
I was an alter boy.

 

by Hammer55
12-13-09
Um..hello. I just died and I'm here to be judged I guess. Really hoping to get in, looks lovely.
No chance. You're headed south.
What?? How? I led a good life, I never hurt anyone!
You're not getting in here pal. You were far too accepting of gay rights . You're outta here.
Tolerant my ass...

 

by Hammer55
12-13-09
Um.. Excuse me sir. Could I have a moment of your time? I've come a considerable distance to see you.
Well sure!! I would hate to inconvience you!
I'm in the legal department and we need some clarification on some documents.
Really? I'm getting pretty weak...Can you hurry?
We just want to be clear. We would like to be as exclusive as possible. No gays, liberals, or muslims in Heaven, correct?
If I could move I would strike you down so fast...

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