All comics by Chi_The_Cynic

Profile

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
4-03-02
MS DOS 5.0
I...
Error reading disk in Drive A: Abort, Retry or Fail [Please note that Abort and Fail do exactly the same thing, and no matter how many times you press 'R', I will still refuse to read your diskette]
Windows 98
Hate...
Illegal Operation: Choose 'Close' to lose all your work and invariably crash this machine, or 'Details' to read a mindless list of code which no-one, not even programmers, will ever understand
Windows XP
Computers...
Congratulations! You've reached the XP Blue Screen of Death. Tell no-one you ever saw this because Microsoft likes to pretend XP never crashes. Click 'OK' to customise your Blue Screen preferences!

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
4-03-02
Onboard Battleship G.33-9, the final preparations for the Knu'rguth invasion are taking place...
Haha! Now we shall show these worthless humans the true power of the Knu'rguth Empire! Initiate the destruction program!!
You have chosen to completely exterminate all life on Earth. Please press 'OK' to continue.
......
NOOO!! Our light years of travel and centuries of planning have all been ruined!!!
This program is not responding. WARNING: ending this task will cause all data to be lost.

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
4-03-02

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
4-04-02
Thinking...
hmm... hmm... hmm... hmm... hmm... hmm...
Thinking...
hmm... hmm... hmm... hmm... hmm... hmm...
D'oh!

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
4-05-02
That than which nothing greater can be conceived...
God...
Existence in reality is superior to existence in the mind...
I'm thinking of a chicken...
I AM a chicken...
Therefore, as if by magic...
Ta-da!

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
4-05-02
Aquinas considers the great mysteries of effects and their causes...
effect...cause; effect...cause; effect...cause; effect...cause; effect...cause;
Several zillion effects later...
effect...cause; effect...cause; effect...cause; effect...cause; effect......GOD!
Aquinas remains resolute in the face of criticism...
What caused God, then?
Quiet, you

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
4-08-02
Hmm, looks like he's working on an important document...
What's this? He's opening more than one program at a time! And using Winamp! WHAT? Now he wants to connect to the internet?? This shall not pass...
WARNING! System Has Become Unstable! Press CTRL+ALT+DEL to do nothing at all except frustrate you into pushing the Reset button. Mwahahaha....

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
4-08-02
Haha! I have created the most evil and villainous computer virus ever devised! Its power is limitless, and its all my own creation!
This is it! I've waited years for this chance! Once I release it onto the internet, all will be chaos! Nothing in the world can stop me now!
[Jim] NoooOOooooo.....
Nothing? Think again, Einstein...

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
4-08-02
Ok, I've formatted your system, flashed your BIOS, refitted your motherboard... there's no more Windows or any other Microsoft software on you...
...not even a vestige of Kernel32 or anything else that you can complain about. There is in fact absolutely nothing that could possibly go wrong with you
Except that.

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
4-10-02
Jim the h4xX0r has an idea...
How about I make a virus which produces a blue screen error every time the system starts up for no apparent reason?
I could make it so that without warning, a blue screen error comes up and the user is forced to restart, losing all their information!!
[Voice of Jim] D'oh....
Nah, I've got the same deal with Microsoft already

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
4-10-02
If humans were like computers...
...and so I just said "hah! as if!" and he was just like out of there, ya know?
Hehe, good one, Caitlin!
Eurghhh.... can't... remember.... losing... memory.... body.... failing....
Caitlin? Are you ok?
Oh, great...looks like I'm gonna have to hold down right eyelid, little fingernail and belly button to restart her...

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
7-22-02
[dictating]...and in this way, our company blah blah blah... and blah with value-added blah, further anticipating the blah blah are you getting all of this?
***typedy-type***
Ok, now have that printed and brought up to my office in 5 minutes!
***typedy-type***
5 minutes later, Boss's office
This is terrible! Whoever wrote this? I want it redone by close of work today!
*sigh*

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
7-22-02
Pre-Crime Unit, NYC
We must act fast! The pre-cogs have predicted a double homicide and it's going to occur in just under an hour!
Wait, wait, wait - the pre-cogs are never wrong, am I right? Cos if so, they must be predicting a crime which is going to happen, yeah?
Erm...ok, go on..?
Well, if it's going to happen, and they're never wrong, then obviously we won't get there in time to prevent the crime - or they'd have predicted us preventing the crime already!
Yeah! Yeah, you're right!
Of course I am! You can't beat philosophy of time...

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
7-22-02
You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake in your bed and you believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill, you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes
Hmmm.....
I'll take the blue pill!
Crap.

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
4-12-03
In the early days of the Hussein regime...
Here you go, Mr. Saddam! Courtesy of the American government, some biochem weapons to blast those evil Iranians!
Heh heh I'll save those for later....
2003: Dr. Blix presents his report...
You're never going to guess what WE found in Iraq!
You don't say? Well, we're going to have to go on in there and teach that evil dictator a lesson! I can't even begin to think HOW he managed to get his hands on those WMDS....
...and so the battle for Baghdad begins

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
5-08-03
Have you ever wondered why we're the default setting?
I think the maker of stripcreator.com has a fetish for little asian girls
Pervert.

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
5-08-03
Do you think what I said in the last strip might offend Brad so much that he takes away our creator's account?
Good point... let's make it even by insulting our creator too, just to show there's no hard feelings
Chi, you pervert.
We're saved!

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
5-09-03
Let's play the "Butt-Cheek-Juggling-With-Hand-Grenades-Whilst-Simultaneously-Snorting-Tabasco-Sauce" Challenge!
I've got the 'nades right here, Steve-O!
Hahaha we're so funny and dead!
Wasn't that just the coolest thing? Let's do it again! No, wait...
Heh heh heh, those guys crack me up, man!
Yeah, they're my heroes! I wish I could be a braindead junkie just like them!

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
5-09-03
Is that website you're working on ready to be uploaded yet?
Uh, no - it's not complete yet
NOT COMPLETE?! WHAT DO YOU MEAN, NOT COMPLETE?? WHY ISN'T IT COMPLETE???
Because you haven't given me the necessary details to complete it with, and without which you said you didn't want the website to go live, you moron!
And be quick about it, too!
I'll get right on it, sir.

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
5-09-03
Friday afternoon, 4:55pm
It is now safe to turn off your computer
Yes! Time to get out of here at last!
In the foyer, 5pm
Ahh, you're off home I see - just a few things before you go...
NO! Not again! Arghh....
Still in the foyer, 6pm
...and so I think you'll agree that blah blah blah....
This doesn't even count as overtime, for Christ's sake!

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
5-09-03
...and so, as I was saying, the reason we need to maximise the blah blah blah...
I'm... so... tired...
Obey my feet!
Yes, Mr. Jelly
I hope you're paying attention to all of this!
Wha...? OH! Yes! Yes, of course...

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
5-10-03
So, this is the website you've been working on, is it? Mmm... yes, I like it... but there is one thing...
Wait for it...
I wonder if we might change the colours a little... instead of the fine mix of blue shades complementing our company logo and stationery, why don't we go for something else... how about...
Here it comes...
Pink!
He really hasn't got a clue.

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
5-10-03
Why won't this thing work? Hmm... I'll get that student on the phone, he'll know what to do
It's just sitting there! What's your solution?
Try seeing what background processes are running - I expect one of them has stopped responding
Background processes not responding, eh? I'll get my screwdriver and have a look...
Dear God, no!

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
5-10-03
There is one truth, one ultimate, undeniable and wholly correct way of understanding the world!
There is one truth, one ultimate, undeniable and wholly correct way of understanding the world!
???
???
We, err, can't both be right, can we...
Shhh!

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
5-11-03
Down with -isms!
Everything is true, and nothing is true!
What shall we call this brave new approach?
Hmm... how about Post-Modernism?
But... isn't that just another -ism?
Shhh!

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
5-12-03
Our hero meets with the mighty Wolverine
Hi Wolverine! Can I join the X-Men?
First you must impress us with your mutant powers
My mutant powers? Umm... yes, of course, mutant powers... I can, umm, make people turn around against their will! Yes, that's it!
Impressive powers indeed... try your skills against me
OH MY GOD! Cyclops is getting it on with Jean Grey!
WAIT TILL I GET MY HANDS ON THAT LASER-EYED FREAK!! Wait, I don't see... Oh.

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
5-12-03
Later on, Professor X's study
So, Wolverine tells me you have the power to make people turn around against their will. By what name shall we call you?
Brad Pitt
We, err, might have to work on that one, Brad...
No, I mean look! It's Brad Pitt!
Really? Brad Pitt has come to visit my school for the gifted? I can't see... Oh.

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
5-12-03
Sorry, couldn't resist it, Professor. You can call me The Terrifying Tyleround!
Well, Tyleround, I think I have just the job for you...
Tyleround is introduced to Rogue
She was much sexier in the last movie...
The Professor says you and me are to go on a special mission together... say, are you actually listening to me?
Of course, but I couldn't help noticing Pyro and Iceman getting it together over there
WHAT?! No, it can't be!! They both told me they loved ME! Oh. Wolverine told me about you...

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
5-12-03
Tyleround and Rogue get on board the X-Plane
So, run that mission past me again...
We have to stop Magneto from killing all of mankind. Again.
WATCH WHERE YOU'RE STEERING THE PLANE, ROGUE! WE'RE GOING TO HIT THAT MOUNTAIN ANY SECOND NOW!
Yeah, yeah, sure we are - you can't pull the same trick on me twice, Tyleround! I'm not stup-
Boom.

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
5-12-03
punkrockskaboy chastises Chi for his bad ending
How on earth did you think you'd win the competition? Your new X-Man has to SAVE the day, not end it!
I know, but I wasn't counting on his power not working, was I? Ok, I'll insert a *new* third panel for the fourth episode...
Phew! Thankfully the plane's gear stick was influenced by my special powers, and it pulled the plane onto the right course all by itself!
Oh, Tyleround! You saved the day! I love you!
Oh good God no, that was *even* worse! You lose, Chi. Big time.
*sigh* There go my chances of getting my own forum character...

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
5-20-03
Step 1: Take one strange alien creature from outer space (a bit of hokey science is always a good one to please/outrage the nerds, depending on their pedantry value)
Step 2: Mix in a bit of good vs. evil (good wins, naturally, because that's how it happens in real life. Honestly.)
Step 3: Throw in a love interest to pull in the chicks ('cos sentimentally-minded women are really going to want to watch a schlock monster film, of course)

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
5-20-03
Step 4: Make up some guff about the end of the world as we know it unless the monster is prevented from mating with the heroine
Step 5: Include entirely superfluous sex scene for the purposes of bumping up the certification rating (as the film won't be scary in itself to deserve anything beyond a PG)
Oooo!
Ahhhh!
Step 6: Involve a stupid accident which could have been easily avoided, but which somehow leads to things going in the alien's favour

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
5-20-03
Step 7: Create some convoluted solution involving copious amounts of technobabble and some ingenius device to be activated in a race against time
Step 8: Climax with a big fight scene including gratuitious violence and explosions, culminating in the monster's death
Step 9: Everything ends happily ever after, possibly sealed with another sex scene (and just before the credits roll, insert a tenuous link that could form the basis for a sequel)
Brrrrrrring!
Ooo! Ahhh!

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
5-23-03
In the beginning...
On your marks! Get set! GO!
I think I love the referee...

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
5-23-03
You may now turn over your paper, the exam has begun
"Say 'it's cold in here' and mean 'it's hot in here'. Can you do it?"
Hmm...
It's cold in here

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
5-26-03
Mummy why is the White House white?
Well... once upon a time some British soldiers came to Washington and they...
1814: Washington
Hah HAH! That'll teach those Yankees a damn good lesson, what!
...painted it white?
Err, yes... yes, that's right, they "painted" it white...

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
5-29-03
1692
Hmm, black clothes, pointy hat, broomstick... I have reason to suspect that you are a witch!
But all Puritans dress like this, I was just sweeping the yard!
1952
Hmm, red tie, grey suit, suspicious briefcase... I have reason to suspect that you are a Communist!
But I fought in Korea! Doesn't that count for anything?
2002
Hmm, fuzzy hair, brown-skinned and foreign-looking... I have reason to suspect that you are a terrorist!
Mr. President, it's me... Colin Powell, you remember?

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
5-30-03
I call it... art!
It blows.

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
5-30-03
Psst! Can I borrow a pen, please?
Be silent! This is a library, not a common room! If you want to talk, go some place else!
SO YEAH, THIS WEEKEND I'M PLANNING ON VISITING THE MUSEUM THAT'S JUST OPENED AND I WAS ONLY SAYING THE OTHER DAY BLAH BLAH
REALLY? WOW, THAT'S GREAT - HEY, HOW MUCH MORE IRRITATING PRATTLE DO YOU THINK WE CAN FIT IN BEFORE CLOSING TIME?

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
5-31-03
Dad's in a mood again, Gabriel...
On a scale of 1 to 10, where 1 is mild and 10 is ultimate doom, what are we talking here?
Remember Noah?
Oh, Christ...
AND NEXT TIME WHEN I SAY UNTO YOU 'DO NOT KILL', PAY GODDAMN ATTENTION, OK?

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
6-04-03
You may now turn over your paper
"Discuss Berkeley's arguments against matter. Do they succeed?"
...and so in conclusion, Berkeley's arguments give us reason to doubt the very fabric of reality.
Oops...

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
6-20-03
It's a bummer how all the spamming companies these days are using ordinary subject lines in their mails
Yeah, nowadays unless a person recognises the email address which a mail has been sent from they just delete it
The only way we can get them to read our spam is for them to recognise the email address it's been sent from
Hmm, but that would require us to know the email addresses of their friends and contacts...
Hey! How about sending people spam that looks as if it's been sent FROM THEIR OWN USER ADDRESS!
That's a great idea! People'll be sure to read emails that look like they've been sent by themselves to themselves, right?

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
6-20-03
We've just had a new client contact us for business
Really? What is it this time? Viagra? Porn? Financial loans?
No, no, it's better than that - this client is bound to attract business once we get spamming for them...
Get your septic tank fixed TODAY!
This wouldn't be funny if it weren't for it being only too true...

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
6-20-03
Payment received - thank you.
*sigh* Another monthly payment to AOL...
I wonder what they spend all that money on?
Ok, so how's the budget looking for Spam Inc. this month?
Not bad, not bad at all - we've just had our monthly payment from AOL come through

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
6-22-03
hotbritney69: female, CA, blonde hair, blue eyes, 5'6, 120lbs
jim_h4xX0r: wanna cyber?
hotbritney69: ok
YES!! This is IT!
WARNING! You have performed an illegal operation - don't you realise she's only 13??!

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
6-25-03
At Apple HQ, early 1990s
Well, it looks like the public has made its decision - Apple just isn't the choice of the home user
That blows...
I mean, I guess it stands to reason - we do make terrible computers, after all
If only people could see past that, man...
Hey! How about we make them look pretty and fluffy? Then people'll forget what's wrong with them on the inside!
Yeah! That's a great idea! It'll sure save us a whole lot of expense in developing REAL computers, too!

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
6-25-03
At Microsoft HQ, late 1990s
Well, it looks like the public has made its decision - Windows just isn't getting a good press at all
Yeah, especially after that time you crashed '98 on live television
Yeah... I mean, I guess it stands to reason - we do make terrible operating systems, after all...
If only people could see past that
Hey! How about we make Windows look pretty and fluffy? Then people'll forget what's wrong with it behind the scenes
Yeah! That's a great idea! It'll sure save us a whole lot of expense in developing a WORKING version of Windows, too!

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
6-26-03
Yeah, you can stop staring at me now - I know I'm one hot chick, ok?
I'm not staring at you, Maura - I'm staring at that fine figure of a woman standing behind you!
RATS!
Hubba hubba!
Finally!

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
6-27-03
Denis...
Strom...
Here's lookin' at you, Rehnquist!

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
6-28-03
Welcome to Clapham Junction: Britain's Busiest Rail Station
Is that really a thing to be proud of..?
Are you all right?
No! I'm trying to find my way out of here! I have to get out of Clapham!!!
HELP! Does ANYONE know the way out of Clapham???
So THIS is why it's the busiest rail station in Britain...

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