All comics by Dark_Pulse

Profile

 

by Dark_Pulse
4-18-05
This is Billy. Billy here is a fine, upstanding young citizen with a perfect 4.0 GPA and a charming girlfriend, too.
Sup.
But one day, on his way home, Billy was confronted by... A TERRORIST.
Oh crap, a Terrorist!
Can I help you sir?
Let's show him how we handle threats, Billy... THE AMERICAN WAY!
Peace!
?

 

by Dark_Pulse
4-18-05
One day Billy found a new game that he liked to play online... Unreal Tournament.
Dude, you're entirely too addicted to Unreal Tournament.
Yeah, so? It's a good game, and I like kicking people's asses.
Even his own girlfriend failed to get him out.
It's been SIX MONTHS since you were last outside! They named things in your honor because people think you're dead!
Cool, I'll have to see it sometime, but right now, fragging comes first. C'mere you friggin' camper... I wants to talk to ya.
So in the end they decided to hire someone to "persuade" him.
May the lord forgive me for what I'm about to do...
You little shit! You ended my killing spree! DIE YOU FRIGGING COMBOWHORE!!!

 

by Dark_Pulse
4-18-05
Hello little girl. Will you marry me?
No, you're too yucky. And have no color.
...so what did happen?
Well...
...it wasn't pretty.
Twenty-five classmates minus four equals Twenty-one.
Two arms plus one torso plus one and a half legs equals four and one half body parts.

 

by Dark_Pulse
4-18-05
...and the monkey then flung his feces. Julie?
Today our ace reporter, Scoop Smith, has tracked down the mysterious Chicken of Bristol. We go to Scoop, LIVE.
Mr. Chicken. What is the meaning of Life, the Universe, and Everything?
Rotor Turbines and Gravitons.
Thank you, Scoop.
And now a heartwarming story of how a kitten played on a tree limb while the firefighter who climbed up it to rescue him fell to his death. Film at 11!

 

by Dark_Pulse
4-18-05
What do you think Jesus would do?
Explore Space?
Sunbathe?
Wrong. What do YOU think Jesus would do?
Hack Nonbelievers?
Moh!
Still wrong. Jesus would do this.
Can I help you?
Big Mac and a large order of fries...

 

by Dark_Pulse
4-18-05
.snalp rehto dah suseJ tuB
!havliS 03 ,ykcuS ykcuS
...tuo gnignah ...'nillihc tsuJ !noitacav no m'I !nam ,ffo kcuF
.suseJ ksa syawla dluoc eW .onnud I
?srosnec drowesruc eht yb pils ot yas ew dluohs gniht yhcnuar fo tros tahw ,oS
.sb00n diputS
.siht daer ot gniyrt emit rieht etsaw annog era elpoep taht ynnuf ytterp s'ti kniht I

 

...dumb bunny.
...smart ass.
by Dark_Pulse, 4-18-05

 

by Dark_Pulse
4-18-05
...until she screamed "007!" with ecstasy.
Hah..
...actually, no, this one's just not funny. Wanna split?
Yeah, alright.
Fortunately for them, they chose a good time to exit the comic. For not too far away was Mr. Sticks-His-Dick-in-Your-Ass-While-You're-Looking-the-Other-Direction.
Nobody loves me...

 

by Dark_Pulse
4-19-05
So the SPCA has some cats left?
Yep, sure do. Here's one... "Mr. Baby." Female, 2 1/2 years old, needs good family...
...all up to date and is full on her shots.
Hmm, wonder what she's like...
...she can't be THAT bad!
Bahahahah! Today, I'll rub against their legs and drink their milk. Then I'll kill them in their sleep and take over the world! AHAHAHAHA... I need a cigarette.
Pipe down in there!

 

by Dark_Pulse
4-19-05
Hi, welcome to the "Fucking for Peace" rally, blah blah blah. Name?
Uhh, Beano. Jake Beano.
...you mean like the Gas thingy?
...yeah, It caused a lot of jokes at school.
...I feel your pain. My name's Ricardo Fesez...
Ha-Ha, you said "feces!"

 

by Dark_Pulse
4-19-05
So Kristi, you get your new pet yet?
Yeah! It's real cute and it rubs against my legs and sounds soooooo cute when she meows and will eat food out of my hand and loves it when I pet her...
...it's a cat.
...and she likes to sleep on the foot of my bed and has this cute little mouse plushy and just ADORES this little bell I got her and she's getting along with others...
...it's a CAT!!!
...and she likes to do high-fives and she likes to lick my face and she likes to drink nice cold milk and she likes to curl her tail and watch Pinky and the Brain...

 

by Dark_Pulse
4-19-05
Kristi's mom, Cindi, feeds Mr. Baby tonight. Why is she called Mr. Baby anyway, though, when she's a--*GAAAAAAAAAAACK*
...
...
...quit staring at me.
HAHA! FOOL! You shall grovel before my mighty legions of feral feline friends! We shall make you bow down and rub our bellies and feed you the Meow Mix you think we love to eat! That stuff's crap!!!
Oh yeah, go ahead and walk away! Why don't you fight like a man?! Oh wait... goddammit, lack of cigarettes... brain...not...FUNCTIONING!!!

 

by Dark_Pulse
4-19-05
On Tonight's episode of Stripcreator One-Off Celebrity Character Deathmatch, in this cornah, we have TOBOR!!!
RARRRRR! TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE OPPONENT!!!
And in this cornah, the challengah, Mr. Sticks-His-Dick-in-Your-Ass-While-You're-Looking-the-Other-Directionah!!!
Hee-hee-hee-hee-hee!
Today, Studio Yecch executives cancelled the series "Stripcreator One-Off Celebrity Character Deathmatch."
Mr. Dick Scissel was quoted as saying "One had no holes and the other wouldn't make any." He then got into a limousine full of waiting groupies.

 

by Dark_Pulse
4-19-05
AIM Conversation: BillyBadAss :: ChilliKristi
Now's my chance...
I... told... Zax that... I... am going... to chill... on... Unreal... Tournament.
AIM Conversation: BillyBadAss :: ChilliKristi
That's great sweetie! Who's my special wuvvy duvvy bubby?
AIM Conversation: BillyBadAss :: ChilliKristi
Oh for fuck's sake...
Why... you... are... sweetie! You and... your... cutie... patootie...

 

by Dark_Pulse
4-19-05
Hi! My name Mita Taku. Me sucky sucky, five dollah!
Five dollar bills have had Abraham Lincoln on it more then any other person.
What the fuck you talking about?

 

by Dark_Pulse
4-19-05
#IRC: [DarkOne @ #lustyteens]
[DarkOne] Hi! I'm new here. [SweetOne] OMGHI [SnackyCake] HI2U [VestalVirgin] ASL?
#IRC: [VestalVirgin @ #lustyteens]
[DarkOne] 16/M/USA [SweetOne] O cool [VestalVirgin] DarkOne: PM pls.
#IRC: [SnackyCake @ #lustyteens]
[SnackyCake] so Sweet1 how r u [SweetOne] im fine thx how bout u? [SnackyCake] im just glad theres girls in this room [SweetOne] lol ya

 

by Dark_Pulse
4-19-05
Welcome to the Internet. Where men are men...
God damn Flak Monkey!!!
...women are also men...
Ha, you think these tits are genuine? Get real!
...and little girls are FBI agents.
Sir, I am here to arrest you on attempts to solicit sex from a minor.
Bitch set me up...

 

by Dark_Pulse
4-20-05
Have you taken the drug "Tweek"? If so, you may be eligible for benefits under a recent court settlement ruling.
If you have experienced any of the following symptoms: Strokes, Heart Attacks, Comas, or Death, call the firm of Socketuyu at...
...1-800-BLEEDEM. That's 1-800-BLEEDEM.
Hmm, I think I've died recently...

 

by Dark_Pulse
4-20-05
I just downloaded every single Sarah Michelle Gellar wallpaper I could find.
Obsession is an unhealthy thing.
But I like her, dude! I really, really like her!
In that case, you must also download porn because you really, really like the stories.
...not cool, dude. NOT cool.
I know.

 

by Dark_Pulse
4-21-05
Irasshai! O Genki desu ka?
HIIIIII! BIG-RAACK-TAAACK!
Atashi katai hakebune no otoko ga suki!
YOU RIKE BIG DICK?
QRRBRBIRLBEL USELESS NEWS!
The new Japanese Cartoon, "Super Crazy Go Nuts Wacky Zany Very Fun Happy Hour" has been cancelled.
T.V. Executives and Neilsen ratings agree: The program was rated "Should be fucking taken out and shot/10."

 

by Dark_Pulse
4-21-05
Ladies and gentlemen... MC SWEET-N'-LOW!!!
Yo, Yo, Yo, Yo! My rhyming's phat, my rhythm's fresh, Sweet-N'-Low gonna make it fresh! Gonna take you up to new heights, peoples be chillin' at my dizzyin' sights!
I be bustin' my hump every day, working, schooling, payin' my way! I be tryin' hard to keep it real, but this shit is hard to feel, feels like steel, colored the color of teal, make a pig squeal!
You fucking suck yo!
In his place... A WOMAN WITH BIG TITS!!!
God fucking dammit! This shit's weak! To other fortunes I will go seek...
Shut up, Wuss!

 

by Dark_Pulse
4-21-05
A fatal exception 0E has occurred at 0157:BF7FF831. The current application will be terminated.
HELLO! I AM YOUR OFFICE ASSISSTANT. WHAT DO YOU NEED HELP WITH?
You've gotta be fucking kidding...
All your PC are belong to us.
Goddamn Micro$oft Winblows...
FOR HELP IN OPENING YOUR WALLET, PRESS F1. IF YOU WOULD LIKE MORE RANDOM CRASHES, PRESS F6 NOW.
!!!EMERGENCY!!!
Take THAT you piece of crap! Mmm, slow roasted goodness...
WHY AM I MELTING???

 

by Dark_Pulse
4-21-05
It's the ADVENTURES of CAPTAIN FAGGO!!!
Hey Captain Faggo! How are ya?
Teehee, thuper! Thankth for athking!
CAPTAIN FAGGO fights for TRUTH, JUSTICE, and $2.99 BOTTLES OF BODY WASH!!!
That Thuave Thuthth is too expenthive!
But WATCH OUT, CAPTAIN FAGGO! For your evil arch-enemy, CIRCUS DOGGY, is NEARBY!
Captain Faggo is approaching, sir!
EXCELLENT! We shall lure him in with a hot meal, a manicure, and a shampoo and set. AHAHAHARF!!!

 

by Dark_Pulse
4-21-05
AHH! A Zombie!
GRRAAIIIINNNSSSS...
Oh, it was a vegan zombie...

 

Veni, Vidi, Vici...
Oh shut the fuck up you assjack.
by Dark_Pulse, 4-21-05

 

...Well that's it for the news... Let's see you try and sleep THAT off.
by Dark_Pulse, 4-21-05

 

by Dark_Pulse
4-23-05
What do you think about Pope Benedict XVI's stance on Religion?
I feel he does a very fine job. It's about time we had a pope who preaches the truth, the WHOLE truth.
He has declared my religion inferior! For this, we must declare a Jihad on the Pope! Yiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyi!
What do you think about Pope Benedict XVI's stance on Contraceptives?
Well I don't want to get pregnant, so to stay a good Catholic, we will no longer have sex.
...God damn this pope.
What do you think about Pope Benedict XVI's stance on Priestly Abuse?
Teehee! Super, thanks for asking!
You call me to clean organ pipes, Father?

 

by Dark_Pulse
5-01-05
We are all aware that the senses can be deceived, the eyes fooled. But how can we be sure our senses are not being deceived at any particular time, or even all the time?
The eyes are able to discern among roughly 16.7 Million graduations of color. More people have dark-colored eyes, with Northern & Southern Europeans having the genes for Blue Eyes, a recessive trait.
Might I just be a brain in a tank somewhere, tricked all my life into believing in the events of this world by some insane computer?
Albert Einstein's brain has been kept in several tanks by Dr. Thomas Stoltz Harvey. Dr. Harvey performed Albert Einsterin's autopsy, and has kept the brain as a souvenir ever since then.
And does my life gain or lose meaning based on my reaction to such solipsism?
What the fuck are you talking about?

 

by Dark_Pulse
5-19-05
So UT2007's out.
Yeah. It's awesome. It's like a visual orgasm. It put my friend in a awesomeness-induced coma.
It's a lonely life, as a awesomeness-induced coma... your friends are MSG-induced Food Poisoning... Flashing Light-induced Seizures...
...you suck at this, man.
Humor me, OK?!

 

Good Evening, sir. I'm doing a poll on the various tastes and textures of sperm. May I come in...?
...You've gotta be fuckin' kidding...
by Dark_Pulse, 5-19-05

 

by Dark_Pulse
5-19-05
AIM Conversation : BillyBadAss :: ChilliKristi
It's always made me wonder though... why "Hot" Damn? Why not Cold Damn?
AIM Conversation : BillyBadAss :: ChilliKristi
Hell if I know. Do I look like I give a crap? Damn is damn to me, God Damn.
AIM Conversation : BillyBadAss :: ChilliKristi
...why God Damn? Why not Allah Damn, or Jehovah Damn, or Dalai Llama Damn, or...

 

by Dark_Pulse
5-19-05
Baby, I wanna make like a tape player and chew your cassette.
Baby, I wanna get my telescope out and check out Uranus.
Father, I wish to look up at you and see the light eminating from your person.

 

by Dark_Pulse
5-20-05
Baby, I'm like Maxwell House Coffee - good to the last drop.
Baby, My love juice is like a Everlasting Gobstopper - suck it and you can spit in seven different colors.
So... hey, I gotta study for my Anatomy Class. How about you come by and help?

 

by Dark_Pulse
5-20-05
Mmm, that was great.
I hope it was as fun for you as it was for me. What time is it?
*CLICK*
1:42.
YEEEK!
Oh, come on. If we're gonna go again, you gotta spread them a little farther then THAT!

 

by Dark_Pulse
5-21-05
Hello, ma'am. How'd you like to raise my barn?
How'd you like to hold the family jewels?
Arr, I be searchin' for booty of different kinds lass...

 

by Dark_Pulse
5-22-05
So, want the Cream of Sumyungai?
How about I put my socket into your I/O Interface?
A-Hyuck!

 

by Dark_Pulse
5-23-05
...wow, that was a good picnic! Here, I got you a drink to wash it down with... It's this new Iced Tea from GHB Co.
So, wanna ride my bull? I promise he won't buck too hard.
Uhh, I've got some catnip... in my pants...

 

by Dark_Pulse
5-24-05
My shoes aren't the only thing that's big!
I am Cupid... and look, I shot myself in the foot. Darn...
Sucky Sucky, Five Dollar!
I cast thee OUT!

 

by Dark_Pulse
5-27-05
EnterTheGame :: #beyondunreal
[PhatCat] We make female brainless clones, put SEXY AI in them, then we have legal sex slaves!
EnterTheGame :: #beyondunreal
[Fluid] Just get into Necromancy, in some countries necrophilia isn't illegal.
EnterTheGame :: #beyondunreal
[Fizzil] Which countries are those?

 

by Dark_Pulse
7-02-05
You know, I've been thinking lately...
Oh GOD. Here it comes. Another evening of wine and dine, but no end to justify the means...
...if I bought this, would you be able to resist ripping it off me?
...
SOLD!!!

 

by Dark_Pulse
7-03-05
You know, it'd suck real bad right now if the apocalypse happened and the dead returned to life.
Totally.
Dude, you were right.
Nah, this is Harlem.

 

by Dark_Pulse
7-04-05
Since it's the fourth of July and all, we've decided to do a special "American-only" comic. The rest of you may resume picking your noses.
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, LLLLLLLLLLLETS GET READYYYYYYY...
...TO WATCH TV!!!
...and here you can see the Yellow-Shafted Titsucker as it flies around its choice food. Note the distinctive...
...Ah'm a-gonna get me some of that! A-hyuck!

 

by Dark_Pulse
7-31-05
Today being his 20th Birthday, Billy decides to do something shocking: GO OUTSIDE!!!
Wonder how nice it is outside today...
I AM THE FOURTH CYBORG SENT BACK IN TIME TO PROTECT YOU.
If 1=True then False=1, return True
Happy 20th to myself, too. -DP
MODEL 213 DOES NOT LIKE BEING SHUT OUT.
Quiet, you bucket of bolts!

 

by Dark_Pulse
12-20-05
...
...
...
...
...I've been standing out here for nearly five months.
AND YOU SHALL STAY OUT AS LONG AS I TELL YOU TO, MONKEY!

 

by Dark_Pulse
12-21-05
RobsGaming :: Dimitri @ #project2612
[Dimitri] Dark_Pulse: And you give me a headache, good knave. Relevance? [Dark_Pulse] Relevance? Here? I fart in its general direction!
RobsGaming :: Dark_Pulse @ #project2612
[Dark_Pulse] This room makes me feel cold, and dark, and alone :( [Dimitri] Give and ye shall recieve, yo.
RobsGaming :: MisterHarlequin @ #project2612
Oh trust me, I'm not accidentally not saying anything...
[Dark_Pulse] Alright, pull down your pants and make it quick. [Dimitri] MisterHarlequin: YOU SEE WHY I HAVE A HEADACHE?

 

by Dark_Pulse
12-22-05
Uh, hello? Can I get some service on what the latest fashions are?
...
...Fuck you, Queer Eye...

 

...!
by Dark_Pulse, 12-22-05

 

by Dark_Pulse
12-22-05
I told you, there's no fire here!
Pork Chop Sandwiches!
You know, these are the reasons I BECAME a serial killer in the first place. Why are morons like this allowed to live? But yet I'm the bad guy because I kill 'em...
OH SHIT! What are you doing? Go! Get the fuck out of here, you stupid idiot! Fuck, we're all dead! Get the FUCK out!
...oops, this place just went up in flames. It's burned to a crisp. You dead.
...NOOOOOOOOOO!

 

...is this your cat?
...Umm....no...
by Dark_Pulse, 12-22-05

 

by Dark_Pulse
12-22-05
E.T. phone home.
*hic* Oh no you don't, you son of a bitch... *hic* You ran my phone bill *hic* up to 37-fucking-thousand dollars *hic* calling Andromeda for that *hic* minute there...
E.T. phone home, Elliott...
NO! Fuck man, *hic* doesn't it ever get through *hic* your goddamned mind that *hic* I'm the one PAYING your goddamn *hic* bills?
Elliott kiss E.T.'s ass.

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