All comics by Hans_Gruber

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by Hans_Gruber
11-19-03
So- you know how to use those tendrils, aquaman?
Shitcakes.
FLAME ON!
Hmmmm, didn't even break my hymen...
FUCKMUFFINS!!!

 

by Hans_Gruber
11-19-03
Wh-? Where in-? My bitches-? My hoes-?
We've been telported to Limbo by the competition, Mr. Butch.
Well, I guess dat mean youse is my bitch now, television set!

 

by Hans_Gruber
11-19-03
Near Kandahar...
What'd I tell you, woman! Iraq is no place to be struttin'!
Later that day, outside Baghdad...
Television Set, war is motherfuckin' hell...
!
'Specially when I don't get PAID!

 

by Hans_Gruber
11-19-03
Moshi, moshi!
Ha ha yeah... You're one of those Jap-Animation broads, ain't ya?
Hai, Butch-kun!
Well well well, I gotta get you to make me some bedroom tempura...
While Butch showers...
So, how was my master?
Taste like unagi (translation: boiled eel)! Heeheehee!

 

by Hans_Gruber
11-19-03
While Mr. Butch "takes care of some 'damn fool monkey' business", his Television Set goes on a journey of self-exploration...
Would you like to be my bitch?
Hmmm, tough question. No. Now I've got a question... Can I watch porn on you?
Um, I'm not sure... Mr. Butch doesn't watch porn... on me...
Back at Chateau La Butch...
Life is a series of little deaths, Mr. Butch.
Life answers with an enormous 'tough titty', my television set... Now where'd I put my rectal clamps?

 

by Hans_Gruber
11-19-03
!
Yowzas! Looks like I'm about to get some Yuletide tail!
?
Yowzas! Looks like I'm about to get some Yuletide tail!
An Interpretation from the Far Future:
Ah, I understand. It was an error in pixel resolution and/or identification on the behalf of our brethren television set.
Oof. Tentacle-fucked, huh? Yowzas!

 

by Hans_Gruber
11-19-03
Howdy stranger... Didja by any chance catch the antics of Opie and Garfield in yesterday's gazette? It jabbed me in the ribs, it did...
Does Opie know how to do what I am doing at this very second, hm?
Well pardner... Dunno if I can rightly answer that question with my cursory knowledge of the strip.
Then by all means, conduct a cattle-drive through Jim Davis's anus. He and his creations are banal!
Yer gonna wish you never said that about my friends...

 

by Hans_Gruber
11-20-03
A desperate Mr. Butch makes a trip to downtown...
Hello, Butch. Good to see you.
Hi Doc Ferguson... Listen, as you know, I like to eat poon. But lately, I've had a problem-
Yes, I see. Do you have insurance, Butch?
Insurance!? Hell no! What the fuck is this, Ferg!? A shakedown!?
As Butch scrubs vigorously in the bathroom...
So... What did Dr. Ferguson prescribe?
Toilet paper, aspirin and some Grey Goose... Now you better check yo'self, television set, or I'm gonna get me some TiVO!

 

by Hans_Gruber
11-20-03
Somewhere in Time...
AH HA HA HA HA!
Back on Earth...
Why are you staring at me like that, master?
Shhhh, s'alright...
!
I'm tryin' to watch me some Doctor Who... this shit is fucked!

 

by Hans_Gruber
11-20-03
In the 9th Circle of Hell...
What is thy bidding?
I want the user known as burt-reynolds to draw more comics about me and my television set, dig?
Washington DC...
DRAW THE COMIC OR TASTE SEMEN THE SIZE OF MOLTEN STEEL RIVETS!
As if that wouldn't pleasure me...
Back in the 9th Circle of Hell...
He's a tough nut to crack, dark lord...
Bitch, that was a fucking pirate! I said BURT-FUCKING-REYNOLDS! Get your cankersored ass back to Midgard!

 

by Hans_Gruber
11-20-03
Mr. Butch 'borrows' a DVD player and 'rents' a scary movie...
What's she doing now, master?
Well... uh... Jesus... damn, girl, stay in the well!
On the television set...
Seven Days... Seven Days..!
If only he'd buy me a mirror, I'd be able to watch my self. Sigh... does that make me narcissistic?
Fuck, television set. You better not be lettin' little freaky girls crawl out of you, or I'll have my crowbar on you!

 

by Hans_Gruber
11-20-03
Brainnnssss...
Did I just fart blood? Christ, I've got to get that checked out...

 

by Hans_Gruber
11-20-03
Hi Butch... I've come as your legal council...
Yo, Super Dave! I didn't kill Psoraisis Pete... Motherfucker was diseased in the first place!
You didn't order the archdemon Pazuzu to fill his abdomen with molten steel rivets?
I'm going to go jump your television set.
Fuck you bitch!

 

by Hans_Gruber
11-20-03
The MPAA gives this strip a KC rating (Kill the Creator).
Um...? Ahem?
Goo goo poo poo...
Brains?
Gaaaa?
Color me a pedo-gormand.

 

by Hans_Gruber
11-20-03
Mr. Butch 'buys' a pirate copy of Cabin Fever before it comes out in theaters...
What do you think of Cabin Fever thus far, master?
Goddamn! I could spill better light with my bitches and hoes!
Mr. Butch decides to reinvigorate the horror film industry with a remake of 'Cabin Fever'...
Okay... 'Pancakes', got that?
Action!
Pancakes, pancakes, pancakes!
I got Hepatits C, penguin. If you so much as nibble on me, you're fucked!

 

by Hans_Gruber
11-20-03
God, I admit it... I'm a breast man!
Why Butch... do you think it matters to me, a God of infinite love?
Won't that kinda help me in the afterlife?
Breast man as opposed to what?
Well, a one-eyed Jack, if you know what I mean-
I have a special place in Heaven for you and your television set, Butch. Don't worry about a thing.

 

by Hans_Gruber
11-20-03
Okay, Bates... Once we get finished with the paper, what do you have planned for today?
Since my dad's paying you, would you dress up as... (whisper whisper whisper)
You wanted me to dress up as a vacuous white blonde-haired hoe?
Yep! You look sensational!
Sensational? Sensational for what?
Pretending to be the mother I never had. Sniff.

 

by Hans_Gruber
11-21-03
I might've been a founding father in my former life... I might have even signed the Constitution!
You believe in reincarnation?
Well, no... I just don't believe in total abject failure.
Sigh.

 

by Hans_Gruber
11-21-03
What the f-? The graveyard, Eric? What are we doing in a graveyard!
Jack... I just came back from Holland with my dad, and scored a batch of absinthe!
U.S. let you buy absinthe?
Yep. And I heard that all the cool French writers did absinthe in graveyards...
I swear to God, U.S. ... Eric was the one that exhumed that corpse... Once the DNA test come backs...
Alright, alright... I don't care who raped the corpse! What I want to know is why the police caught you playing with my son's GODDAMN BALLS!

 

by Hans_Gruber
11-21-03
U.S., your kid is driving me up the wall! The money's not worth it! I want my job at the paper back!
Jack, you want to see reality? Huh? Look at my backyard...
Piranas, and now this? Who's your landscaper anyhow?
I let Eric handle the wildlife. Now drop your pants.

 

by Hans_Gruber
11-21-03
Brrrrr... I'm freezing out here... Wh-? Why can't I move my arms? My legs? I'm paralyzed!
We're going to have fun today, Jack! I put synpatic inhibitors in your coffee!
Frrmmrrmrrrm-!
Now just hold still, Jack! I'll melt the snow!
Puh ffff puh...
It's not my problem if you have a pee fetish, Jack... I have the same troubles with Fancy. Hmmm, maybe if I build myself into a snowman as well...

 

by Hans_Gruber
11-21-03
Master, if the universe is not infinite, what's outside it?
Whatever is, it controls our nightmares. I'm glad I have you to protect me, television set...

 

by Hans_Gruber
11-21-03
Eric... If you drop another bucket of water on me... I swear I'm gonna...
What? Dress like a homo circus clown with child-bearing hips?
An hour later...
I think your son has defecated on my immortal soul, U.S. ...
Well, I'm supposed to be golfing, Jack, but my son literally defecated in the holes... What's worse?

 

by Hans_Gruber
11-21-03
Mr. Butch and his television set journey to the edge of the Universe!
I tell you, television set, this control panel is nothing like the one on the Millenium Falcon...
Master, how will you eat on our trip? You brought no provisions.
On a quest to peer through INFINITY!
Easy, I'll order Dominoes.
But we're over 599 GAZILLION LIGHT YEARS FROM EARTH!
Will INFINITY END UP PEERING THROUGH THEM? (As the old cop maxim goes...)
That's right. And 30 minutes or its free!
!

 

by Hans_Gruber
11-21-03
Well, here we are, television set! Lucky there's some terra firma at the Edge of the Universe... You know how to fly, so we can get down there without me having to crash land this pile?
Fly, master? No.
Well, bitch do something!
Reruns of 'In Living Color' are on... They have 'Fly' Girls?
Butch and Television are on a collision course with the Edge of the Universe... What will happen next!?
Buckle up, pimp...
"Let me show you something!" Chuckle... that Fire Marshall Bill...

 

by Hans_Gruber
11-21-03
Mr Butch and his television set crash land on the Edge of the Universe! Their ship, the Bitch's Tit, is engulfed in flames!
Shiiiittt.
Television set?

 

by Hans_Gruber
11-21-03
After their ship, the Bitch's Tit, crash lands, Mr. Butch makes a revolting discovery...
T-t-t-television set?
Snap
Damn.
Crackle
I hope they got good reception in heaven, ole boy.
Pop

 

by Hans_Gruber
11-21-03
Mr. Butch presses on alone...
Sniff. Wonder what's doin' on TGIF...
Mr. Butch approaches the very END OF EVERYTHING...
Don't know what I'll do without TV... Well, guess, this is it... the very edge of the Edge of the Universe... Holleee sloe-eyed mackerel!
Mr. Butch drops a deuce when he sees what lies outside EXISTENCE...
Recognize me, Butch!!!

 

by Hans_Gruber
11-21-03
Butch comes to the VERY EDGE OF THE UNIVERSE, only to discover...
It's that motherfucker... DOCTOR WHO!!! Gotta change the channel...
Ha ha ha! Look around! Does this look like TELEVISION to you, Butch?
You're the one making me dream about that pitbull with herpes...
Wha-?
Stay Tuned...
I thought you gave me nightmares...
No, don't you read the newspaper? You give yourself those nightmares. Ick.

 

by Hans_Gruber
11-21-03
As Butch clashes with Doctor Who at the EDGE OF THE UNIVERSE...
So, what the fuck you doing here, bro? I sacrificed my television set for British Sci-Fi Drama?
Didn't you ever wonder why BBC programming was so appealing? It gets to the fundamental truths of the UNIVERSE.
Boo-shit.
Okay, you've got three wishes. Then get outta here. You're cramping my style.

 

by Hans_Gruber
11-21-03
From the UNIVERSE'S EDGE, to the EPIDYMIS OF DETROIT (Chateau La Butch)...
So what else did you wish for? World peace? An army of bitches and hoes?
Well... (shuffles his feet)
The black feller promised me a happy ending from a disembodied head... now ante up!
I'm going to need an extra dose of jelly babies for this job...
The End.
!
That, and a permanent erection...

 

by Hans_Gruber
11-22-03
A Young Albert Grossman prepares to take his first bite of infamy...
Coo
Gouda-pork-intestine hybrid, prepare to meet Albert Grossman's steely digestive tract...
The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind... the answer is blowin' in the wind...
That kid's crooning has taken my appetite from me... and replaced it with AMBITION.
That night in Greenwich Village... Destiny.
These goons don't understand my weighty poop... Gotta wait for the 60s, and keep on keepin' on like a bird that flew...

 

by Hans_Gruber
11-22-03
I've been having thoughts lately...
The thing that bothers me: are these my thoughts, or thoughts from one of the many tens of thousands of brains I have devoured since Earth passed through the tail of a Zombie-Generating Comet?
Sigh.

 

by Hans_Gruber
11-23-03
Buying condoms this very moment at a CVS in downtown Atlanta...
Um... Hello. I would like to buy this spindly little sea creature sealed in tin foil...
After filling it with water and poking tiny holes into its delicate skin, I will make a delightful play toy for my Brahmin children...
Infidel pervert.
Yes. I know.

 

by Hans_Gruber
11-23-03
Buying condoms this very moment at a CVS outside the Ozarks...
Oh, sister, these artificial teats will be the perfect prosthetic for my cow Bessy...
See, Bessy lost her udders in a barn-raising mishap...
You'll burn like the rest of us, Weedy.
(Gulp) Ever see 'Witness'?

 

by Hans_Gruber
11-23-03
Buyin' condoms this very moment at a CVS on Skywalker Ranch...
Yessiree, these'll do perfectly...
See, um, I'm supposed to take part in an auto-asphyx orgy in the, ahem, climax of 'The Muppets Gangbang the Alphabet People'...
I know that's George Lucas's erect penis under that sock puppet.
Ahem... May the force be with you.

 

by Hans_Gruber
11-23-03
Buying condoms this very moment at a CVS outside Barcelona...
Hello, my friend... It is my intent to buy ten thousand condoms from your humble store.
I fear the AIDS.
Translated from Bull: I hate you filthy spics.
Let us dance then, mighty bitch!

 

by Hans_Gruber
11-24-03
After our trip to Alpha Centauri, we've returned to a barren lifeless Earth... ravaged by the MTV Style Wars of 2064.
Looks like you and I will have to repopulate the damn place.
Unfortunately, my penis is still the girth and essential shape of a large cockerspaniel. These next few years will be hellishly painful for you, Monkey Bitch...
Sniff.

 

by Hans_Gruber
11-24-03
Buying condoms this very moment at a CVS near the Lincoln Memorial...
Yeah, I wear these things on my fingers while I listen to the Stones...
I hate having bloody fingerprints all over my forehead... Which inevitably happens during 'Wild Horses'...
Paper or plastic?
Well, fuck, paper's not going to stop the bleeding...!

 

by Hans_Gruber
11-24-03
Buying condoms this very moment at a CVS near the Allston Cinema...
I won't get inside your box...
You're like a very fat, morbidly shy child...
You wanna borrow The Toy from me? Jackie Gleason's best performance to date...

 

by Hans_Gruber
11-24-03
It's the fair lady, Ursula Leguinn... She doth approach...
Gosh... Are you a real king?
I am King Isaac Asimov... the world of science fiction is my fiefdom. Do you not recognize your king, Ursula?
Ten minutes later, King Asimov is ten dollars lighter... And a shade of regal purple...
See you around, kingy!
Now that's what I call "The Left Hand of Darkness"...

 

by Hans_Gruber
11-24-03
Oh crap... Here comes Artie Clarke, still bitching about how Kubrick shafted him with 2001...
Hic- Oh- hic- There you are, my majesty- Hic-
What the devil happened to you, Arthur?
I'm disguised as -hic- Rudyard Kipling. Ka-boom!

 

by Hans_Gruber
11-24-03
What tis that odour? An heavenly incense that smells of candle wax and fresh rain...
Tis my body odor, lord. Both blessing, and curse.
CS Lewis, you haven't come to chastise my novels, have you?
I sense a poverty of Christianity in the Encyclopedia Galactica...
It's pish-posh, man!
Now I'm off to lecture Douglas Adams about his Dirk Gently serial...

 

by Hans_Gruber
11-25-03
Television Set climbs Mt. Sinai to thank God for his second chance...
Oh Lord? Yahweh? *Tetragrammaton*?
This is stupid... I'm everything God despises... a fell invention of Fallen Man... All I wanted to say was thanks for giving me Mr. Butch...
Sniff.
God?

 

by Hans_Gruber
11-25-03
On Mt. Sinai, Television Set pushes his luck...
God, could you make me into a little boy?
Splicing DNA unto formica paneling is a hairy procedure... Alas...
You must have activated your V-Chip... It eliminates skin...
I'm in such horrible pain. It's exquisite.

 

by Hans_Gruber
11-25-03
Fear and Trembling at Chateau La Butch...
Bitch...
It's me, Butch. I'm a little boy...
Bitch...
Flesh is so delighful.
Motherfucker, I better be watching Hellraiser right now. Or I'm buying a Toshiba...

 

by Hans_Gruber
11-25-03
Mr. Butch goes to Best Buy...
Welcome to Best Buy... How can I help you?
I'm a-lookin' for a big ass television set. Mine went Pinnochio on me...
Panasonics give great picture...
Wait. Wait a motherfucking second. How old are you?
Three months. I'm a wiley precocious child with a predilection for electronics... I was born with an RCA Cable in my mouth...
I'm going to Circuit City...

 

by Hans_Gruber
11-25-03
Junior, you're fired. You lied about your age on your application... Say hello to the STD-infested world of unemployment. In ten years, you'll be dead.
Sniff.

 

by Hans_Gruber
11-28-03
How audiences relate to incontinent bobbies...
Cat calls! Hollers!
Brechtian genius!
I peed myself. And it felt quite good. I've filled my knickers with urine and poop!
While in the US, after viewing the play...
What's that smell? Ooooh...
I'm writing myself a citation... for not being honest about my lack of bladder control with the tax-paying public.

 

by Hans_Gruber
12-05-03

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