All comics by Mister_Owens

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by Mister_Owens
12-08-03
...so that's why the colonists hated the British.
Mr. Owens, I don't get it.
Ok, let me put it this way; imagine that I charged you $2 to come into my class, $1 to use the bathroom, $3 for book rental...
That's not fair.
When did 5th grade become so PC?
Now you know how the colonists felt!
And all this time I was told that they were greedy white men.

 

by Mister_Owens
12-08-03
Hey, get back in here!
Why'd you walk out of class this time?
Because she wasn't speaking English.
Wait, let me get this straight; you walked out of French class because the teacher was speaking in French?! WTF?!
I hate her.

 

by Mister_Owens
12-08-03
Happy Birthday Mr. Owens!!
Wow, thanks kids. That's so nice of you!
So what are you doing for your birthday?
I don't know, I might go meet some friends and hang out.
*actual quote by my student, only accompanied with gyrating motions.
Mr. Owens gonna pimp them hos at the club tonight!*
My work here is done.

 

by Mister_Owens
12-08-03
Alright everyone, take out your Accelerated Reader books!
Mr. Owens, what does &*@$# mean?
Oh, um, it means "look out." Yeah, that's it, "Look out".
No it doesn't.
Shit. It means shit. Or sometimes fuck.
Now was that so hard?

 

by Mister_Owens
12-09-03
So, as a new teacher, I was propositioned into accepting the role of detention moderator.
They told me, "We'll pay you $15 an hour to do it."
Consider that to be my 20 pieces of silver.

 

by Mister_Owens
12-09-03
Because I am now the detention teacher, I decided to watch "The Breakfast Club."
As one of my favorite 'teen movies', I thought maybe it would put me in a better mood.
And innocence is lost
Instead, I found myself asking, "Why don't the goddamn kids just write the fucking essay; Sit down, shut up, and lay off the damn dope!"

 

by Mister_Owens
12-11-03
Hey! Stop dancing around in my classroom!
But I gotta! I'm a dancin' fool!
Mr. Owens gets an idea.
If I tape this pink kleenex together...
Dancers wear tutus. If you wanna dance, ya gotta wear the tutu.
Alright!

 

by Mister_Owens
12-11-03
Mr. Owens, can I take off this tutu?
Only if you're done dancing around.
Ok. I'll go ahead and throw it away.
No, I'll hang it right here on the wall. If you feel like dancing again, you have to come up here and put it back on first.
I finally realize how silly I look.
I hope I don't get fired for this.

 

by Mister_Owens
12-11-03
Mr. Owens sends a note home.
Your child has fallen behind due to his absences. Please ensure that he attends class on time and stops arriving an hour late and leaving an hour early.
Mr. Owens, a student's mom just called about a note you sent home. She sounded very angry.
Huh?
Apparently asking a parent to get their kid to school on time is asking too much.

 

by Mister_Owens
12-11-03
At a conference on teaching math...
We're going to show you how to teach math. First, find something that interests the children...
Ok.
Secondly, determine your students' weaknesses...
Ok.
Lastly, tell them that if they don't learn, then they'll kill Santa.
This conference rules!

 

by Mister_Owens
12-11-03
Like most of these strips, another true story
So there are 12 inches in a foot. How many feet in a yard?
Front yard or backyard?
No, a yard is a unit of measurement. There are 3 feet in a yard. Now let's see how we can use measurement. What can I measure in inches?
...(snicker)
Ya need more than inches for this!
Dick jokes have no age requirement.

 

by Mister_Owens
12-11-03
My opinions. Don't fire me.
The new buzzword in education is now 'growth'.
These days, achievement alone is moot; everyone must improve, or fall into "corrective action" under the control of the state.
What about those who achieve at astounding levels? So they fall from a 99 to a 98; whoop-a-dee-doo!
This strip isn'e funny, mostly because it's true.
So essentially, an 8th grader who finally gets "1+1" is on the "right track", whereas one who has trouble with integrals obviously is doing something wrong, and now needs the state to show him how.

 

by Mister_Owens
12-15-03
Um, so, I was taking a look at these district tests, and, well, they suck.
Why what's wrong with them?
Well, some questions are missing answers, some are missing information, and this one's just a picture of an apple.
Oh, I see. We'll fix that.
Would you mind fixing it?
This is what I get for opening my damn mouth.

 

by Mister_Owens
12-15-03
Mr. Owens, are you going to the staff Christmas party?
I don't know yet.
It's open bar.
Now you've got my attention.
And we're going to hire a bus driver to pick us up and drop us off. On a school bus.
I don't know if that's the coolest thing or the saddest thing I've ever heard.

 

by Mister_Owens
12-23-03
Mr. Owens, you see that boy's sister, huh?
Yea, what about her?
She's the same age as you. You should get with that.
Listen kid, that's not my style.
Just cause you got a girlfriend don't mean you can't get on over there! Ya gotta be a playa!
Kids got a point. I mean, no, wait!

 

by Mister_Owens
12-24-03
Upon arrival...
Mr. Owens, I'm your Secret Santa. Here's a bottle of rum!
Sweet!
Throughout the night...
I'm gonna 'Lebowski' it tonight by drinking White Russians... too bad no one else here gets the joke.
Teacher parties are awesome...
Do the hustle...

 

by Mister_Owens
1-11-04
Taken from a recent math test...
So the question reads, "Your grandpa gets you an aquarium for your birthday. You want to know how much water it can hold. How can you figure this out?"
Let the headbanging begin...
Answer: Ask your grandpa.
Answer: Go to the fish store and ask someone there.
So angry I can't even make a punchline.
Can anyone tell me what I'm supposed to do with this?!

 

by Mister_Owens
1-29-04
Remember that teacher you had who would have that little vein pooping out of his forehead when he got angry?
And remember how much fun it was to piss him off just to watch?
Yea, fuck you for that shit.

 

by Mister_Owens
1-29-04
We turned to the students for help on this one...
Mr. Owens is mean!
Yea, he gets loud.
And he always accuses us of things,
Even when we didn't do them!
Of course, none of my students EVER do anything wrong.
I mean, he won't even let us talk to our friends while he's trying to teach.
What is up with that?

 

by Mister_Owens
2-01-04
If a groundhog sees his shadow...
OK kids, today's assignment is to sit quietly and, um, think of stuff.
Ain't you gonna teach us something?
They say there will be six more weeks of winter...
Yea, that would be a good idea, but, uh, I'm really tired today.
*sniff sniff* What's that smell?
But what happens when that day is right after the Super Bowl?
I assure you, it's not beer breath.
Mr. Owens, your eyes are as red as Cyclops's!

 

by Mister_Owens
2-04-04
Um, I was grading you paper, and I found something really, um, odd.
What's that?
Well, your test, it looks an awful lot like your neighbor's.
Yea. So?
It was an essay. On a topic of your choice. And you both wrote the same thing.
And?

 

by Mister_Owens
2-15-04
Last week, I was in a car accident. I took two days off of work because of it.
My kids wrote me cards...
"Get Well Soon Mr. Owens! We miss you! Please Come Back!"
devious laughing ensues
I'd love to have seen their faces when I e-mailed their test...

 

by Mister_Owens
2-19-04
Kids don't listen...
So, in review, there are... hey, turn around and pay attention!!!
blah blah blah SHAME!!
sometimes they need to be made to listen...
That's it! If you don't shut your goddamn motherfucking mouth right fucking now, I will dropkick your ass out the motherfucking window!!
oh shit!
unfortunately it sounds more like this...
Son, I need you to sit down in your seat quietly, ok?
i love being in control

 

by Mister_Owens
2-19-04
I've agreed, in my never-ending generosity, to moderate a club at school.
So of course, I decided that a club that I head up will be overtly nerdish: a comic and card game club.
But I need some help...
Well, if these kids will be playing Yu-Gi-Oh, I need to know the rules to settle disputes... Can you teach me?
Sure, but you're going to need to give me some bonus points. And pie. I love pie.
Fortunately the game is easy to learn.
Aw, schooled your ass again! Who's the game master?! Say it! SAY IT!
*sigh* Mr. Owens, you're the game master.

 

by Mister_Owens
3-10-04
Last Week
Hi, I'm from the state department. We're just going to watch you and make sure that you're not fucking up some kids' lives.
Well, Ok.
This Week
Hi, I'm from SIM. Do you have your folders ready for me to look at while I keep you from teaching your class?
Well, Ok.
Next Week
Hi, we're here to make sure you give this LEAP test correctly. We'll just need to run a brief colonoscopy for our, um, records.
Oh, fuck that.

 

by Mister_Owens
3-14-04
Mr. Owens's favorite show has returned to the airwaves.
Fuckin A right! Time for The Sopranos!
Woke up this morning, got yourself a gun...
Monday morning...
So as you can see, I'll charge $5 per entry for the March Madness pool, and I'll pay out $2.50 from each entry to the winner, while I pocket the rest.
But Mr. Owens, I thought today's math lesson was about polygons.
Don't fuck with my shy, kid, or they'll find you missing a couple of limbs. And don't forget to throw me a small taste from those Yu-Gi-Oh cards you've been selling on my turf.
I think I preferred Mr. Owens, super comic-geek.

 

by Mister_Owens
3-22-04
So a variable is just a symbol or letter than can stand for any number.
What about 'm'? How much is 'm'?
Like I said, 'm' can mean any number, but in an equation...
I'm gonna put 'm' as my answer on the test. I'll be right because it'll represent the right answer.
'R' for 'retard'
Yes, but it will also represent all the wrong answers too, and 1/infinity=0... no, fuck this shit, you're wrong, and I'll put an 'R' on your report card.
Damn, that shit's cold, yo.

 

by Mister_Owens
3-22-04
Some marijuana was found on campus...
Is this your pot?
My mom says only pussies smoke that weak shit.
A Tic-Tac box full of it...
Is this your pot?
I use Altoids.
It all makes sense now.
Is this your pot?
No... oh shit, are those girl scout cookies? Man I'm fiending for that some of that shit. Give me a Somoa, dog, please!

 

by Mister_Owens
4-11-04
Mr. Owens, can I ask you something?
Alright. Shoot.
As a punishment for getting into that fight, my parents are making me go see "The Passion of the Christ." But I don't want to see it.
Understandable. It was critically panned and pretentious to the Nth degree.
Can you help me? I really don't want to see it.
I'll make a few calls.

 

by Mister_Owens
4-11-04
Standing up for my students.
Hey Jesus, you got a minute?
Yea, sure, I was just hanging around anyway.
Cheap jokes aside senor Messiah, I need to talk with you about your new film.
Yea, it was quite a piece of work, eh? Though Mel, he runs a rough 'casting couch', if you catch my drift.
How can you live with yourself? All you've done is endorse the highest grossing snuff film ever!
Fortunately, whenever my conscience catches up with me, I get to take three days off and start anew.

 

by Mister_Owens
4-26-04
And your bonus question: What are the names of the two main candidates for U.S. President?
That's not fair! How are we supposed to know that?
I don't know, maybe pay attention to the world around you. Watch the news.
Shit, if Dave Chappelle doesn't mention it, I don't know about it.
What?! What?! What?!
Yeah. Okay.

 

by Mister_Owens
5-31-04
That's the bell, now get the hell out of here. You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here.
Ah, everything is right in the world. What could possibly go wrong?
And on that note, we cue the music.
We need to talk.
And that, my friends, is what we call sitcom plotting.

 

by Mister_Owens
8-04-04
Another School Year is About to Begin
And now we return to the wicked shit.
Where have you been Mr. Owens?
Well, you see, teachers get a little thing called 'summer vacation.'
Really? And what did you do?
I... I don't remember. But I think it involved a squirrel.
I don't know you motherfucker.

 

by Mister_Owens
8-04-04
You didn't call me. Why?
Because you're a squirrel. It just wouldn't work.
Have you looked in the mirror lately? Quite frankly, I think you're just a horny devil.
...
That was the lamest visual pun EVER.

 

by Mister_Owens
8-04-04
Mr. Owens decides to go trolling in New Orleans
Wassup baby, can I buy you a fish sandwich?
Uh, I have to go... over there.
Mr. Owens decides to go trolling in Laplace
Hey, you wanna go somewhere a little more, private?
Shaw no, I goin' home ta fuck mah cuzzin.
Mr. Owens decides to go buy porn
Do you have anything with Chasey Lain?
Not here. But if you put on this mask, maybe we can go check the, uh, storage room.

 

by Mister_Owens
8-04-04
How do I mange to teach people who just don't want to learn?
Well first, you may want to choose a new moniker that any half-wit with the internet won't find. Especially if you feel obligated to insult said students in such a forum.
What would you do if you had a mother who keeps telling you to be more independent, yet requires that you get her permission before doing anything?
She, she's right behind me, isn't she?
How do you get the wang in the tang?
Step One: Find a Drunk Chick. Step Two: Have sex with her. Step Three: Realize she's a triflin ho and get the fuck out of there.

 

by Mister_Owens
8-04-04
"Chasing Amy"
"Say Anything"
I really need to get out more.
Hey, don't leave me here by myself.

 

by Mister_Owens
8-05-04
After watching High Fidelity, I decided that I would tell my own story. This will not be limited to the Top 5, but will instead showcase my entire run of relationships.
Let's begin with Robyn. I was 16. We dated for 30 days, then she dumped me. I had my first kiss with her while watching Anaconda.
I keep thinking of that line, you know, "My anaconda don't want none unless you got buns hon."
An old friend, Lesley, and I went to prom. We hit it off, but she was also seeing a 46-year old. I haven't heard from her since I left for college 5 years ago.
Consider this my revenge for you teasing me when we were young.

 

by Mister_Owens
8-05-04
Within a week of arriving a college, I had met Lisa. We hit it off, but never actually entered into a 'relationship.' By the way, she was a flute player in the band.
I like sex.
Since we weren't in an actual relationship, we still met other people. None are of consequence for this discussion, mostly just an occasional make-out session.
We don't matter.
Katie and I became good friends. She also holds the record for my shortest relationship ever: 15 hours.
I'm sorry, but I'm probably going to go back to my ex-boyfriend.

 

by Mister_Owens
8-05-04
I met Marion at a party at the end of the year. We kept in touch throughout the summer, but I didn't want to enter into a relationship when we came back to school.
That's okay, neither did I.
One my first night back in the dorm, I met Hilary and she made it her mission to seduce me. I proceeded to flip-flop between her and my next entry...
I feel dumber every time I talk to you.
god i'm fucking stoned
Terri. She was a cheerleader from a small country town. She was a lot of fun, but completely clueless.
Thanks for getting me home last night, even though you had to push me back in a shopping cart.

 

by Mister_Owens
8-05-04
I then tried to date Ana, who happened to be Lisa's former roommate. She had a boyfriend though, and I wound up heading out with her new roommate,
I'll show up again later.
Alison. She was a coworker of mine, and she was truly a psycho bitch.
I resent that, you &**(@&@&!*#&#^#&*!)#&
Then there was Becca. We met during my junior year of college and dated for a little more than two and a half years.
I really wish there was a better icon for me on this program.

 

by Mister_Owens
8-05-04
I ran into Ana again during the summer. We hit it off, and continue to talk, though no actual 'relationship' has been formed.
Told you I'd show up again.
And thus concludes a history of my relationships. I hope you've enjoyed the journey thus far.
Who knows who will fill in the next panel?

 

by Mister_Owens
8-05-04
Hey, a guy can hope, right?

 

by Mister_Owens
8-05-04
Let me tell you about my friend Sean.
He has what we like to call a 'conscience.'
One time at the pool, this jailbait girl he wasn't interested in asked him for his number.
So, being the good friend that I am, I had him give her a fake number. (It works both ways)
Well, he felt bad about it. So what does he do? He tracks her down and gives her the real number.
Dude, what the fuck is wrong with you?

 

by Mister_Owens
8-06-04
I read your new strips. I thought they were pretty good.
Thanks.
Though I felt it was more "Chasing Amy" than "High Fidelity."
How so?
"I finally had something personal to say."
Good point.

 

by Mister_Owens
8-08-04
You know, having a few chicks at the same time would be awesome.
I was once one of the guys with six other women. I love college!
Wait, you went to college?
Once, hey, fuck you buddy!
How was that?
Congratulations Chris, you're finally on. Now don't spend the rest of the night trying for an encore.

 

by Mister_Owens
8-09-04
I'm Chucky, Wanna Play?; I'm not even supposed to be here today. Ooh, I need a dirty woman. I ran into Winnie, with my wife. Final Answer?
Do or do not, there is no try. I got off the plane. Smelly cat? Smelly cat. We were on a break! I'm the luckiest son of a bitch in Boston. NORM!!!
Where's the beef? Breakin the law! Fuck the police! Did I do that? Scotty doesn't know. PIGFUCKER!
My apologies. I thought it was a good idea at first.

 

by Mister_Owens
8-09-04
blah blah blah best year ever.
bored bored bored
Can you sum up this chapter for us?
Sure. If your honey asks you, "Do these pants make me look fat", DO NOT start humming Fat-Bottomed Girls.
Right. And what should you do?
Change the subject. Tell her she has a nice rack. Then have sex and hope she never brings up her fat ass again.

 

by Mister_Owens
8-09-04
Walking around a nearby campus.
I wonder what college kids in New Orleans are like?
Blah blah blah, I failed out of college years ago, I have automatic amnesty, yada yada yada
Heh. I guess intelligence doesn't always improve with age.
Tee-hee! This is my first semester. I can't wait to get gang-raped at a local frat house!
You know, I don't miss college THAT much.
At least she has her priorities straight.
I'm sorry, but you can't get an appointment until you've been accepted in the grad program. We'll let you know in about four weeks, which is much to late for what you need.

 

by Mister_Owens
8-09-04
I decided that the 5oth installment in this strip should be the funniest ever.
penis
fart
pussywillows
buttsex
twat juice
Gary Coleman

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