All comics by RideroftheApocalypse

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This is the place where people who go to Hell check in.
Oh, damn, we have another customer going to Hell.
Hey.
This is still the place where people who go to Hell check in.
C'mon, hurry up, before I zap you with uber dark powas.
My name is Patrick Mulzaney. But call me Pat.
Remember. This is still that place where people who go to Hell check in.
Shouldn't it be MulVaney?
Curse my parents for screwing up my name at birth!

 

Alright, now lemme find you in the Big Book of Sinners. Doo doo doo...
WELL HURRY UP!!!!!
Shaddup you spoiled kid.......Here we are. You're at the first level, Limbo.
LIMBO!?!?!?!?! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?
Well, look! We don't have alot of money to go around to have big-ass text boxes! Be satisfied! *kick*
Charon ushers you across the river Acheron, and you find yourself upon the brink of grief's abysmal valley. You are in Limbo, a place of sorrow without torment. You encounter a seven-walled castle, an
.....Are you gonna finish?

 

and within those walls you find rolling fresh meadows illuminated by the light of reason, whereabout many shades dwell. These are the virtuous pagans, the great philosophers and authors, unbaptised ch
MAY THE VILLAGERS CELEBRATE! FOR THE DEMON'S RANT IS DONE! YAAAAAAY! *ahem* Back to the story.
ildren, and others unfit to enter the kingdom of heaven. You share company with Caesar, Homer, Virgil, Socrates, and Aristotle. There is no punishment here, and the atmosphere is peaceful. I'm done.
Why did it take you three blocks to tell me all that?
Go blame stripcreator. Would you believe I only get paid $5 a week and these text boxes suck?
Yeah, I know what you're saying.

 

Demons are members of the workforce? And I thought I had weird thoughts.
Now get going. I have to work overtime if everyone's not covered, and I hate working overtime. NOW GIT.
Fine, fine.
That dude was sour.........Anyway, I hope I can get to the 8th level. They have free poker rounds every half hour!
"Waiting Bench for Sinners Waiting To Go To Hell. For Whatever Reason"
Who the hell are you? I'd advise you to start moving if I was you, Satan will whup you if he saw you evading Hell.
You idiot. Look up there. At the sign.

 

"Waiting Bench for Sinners Waiting To Go To Hell. For Whatever Reason"
Why are you waiting here anyway? So your girlfriend can die and go to hell with you so you can have 69 sex? BLAHAHAHAHAHA!
..........Boy, I'm an accomplished Black Belt, and I can whup your ass faster than you can say E=MC squared.
"Waiting Bench for Sinners Waiting To Go To Hell. For Whatever Reason"
Well, I'm an accomplished mercenary wanted by the law on 6 of the 7 continents! BLAHAHAHA!
.........Fine, you made me....
"Waiting Bench for Sinners Waiting To Go To Hell. For Whatever Reason"
.....Dude, WTF?
HIIIIIIII-YAAAAH! CMON BOY, PUT EM UP!

 

"Waiting Bench for Sinners who need to wait. For whatever reason" BLAH, I CANT REMEMBER THIS SIGN. FUCK IT.
Well, two can play this game, fucker!
I SAID PUT 'EM UP!!! CMON! CMON!!!!
*BOOM BOOM*
The Colt .44 always works.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!! MY MANHOOOOOOOOOOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ALICE WILL KILL ME!!!!!!!!!!!! DIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!! Urrrrrgh....
*BOOM*
One more shot.
My....neck......

 

Let ye knower of martial art's carcass get scientifical.
HOLY SHIT!!!!!! How'd you turn into a skeleton?
Hello? Earth to kid? This is Hell. Things decompose faster.
Oh. Good point. Well. c-ya.
Bah, darn stripcreator lets kids use slang terms like cya in their talking. I DEMAND A CHANGE!!!
Cowboys use 5.56 calibre bullets? I thought they used .44 calibre. That must be his sin. USING THE WRONG CALIBRE BULLET! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!! ITS A CONSPIRACY! *ahem* Back to story.
Say anything about the line being crowded up, and you will meet 5.56 calibre bullets.
Who the hell are-

 

uh, hey, im thesweetkissinthief i steal sweet kisses or i am sweet and kiss alot and thieve you. anyway, the narrative of the story is thta pat went to hell
so, anyway......*ahem*
Expedia. DOT COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
.......WTF?

 

Silence.........SILENCE........
......O_o;
Yah!!!! I'm that girl in seat G541335124!!!!! PH33R MEH!!!
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!
YAHAHAHAHA! GIRL IN SEAT G5412335124 WINS AGAIN!!!!

 

PWNED!!!!!!
Now look son, we here cowboys are born with patience, unlike the dern primitive spoiled kids of 2003....
Will you hurry up and move it?!?!?!!?
WHO YOU CALLIN' SPOILED!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
Pwned?
DIE!!! DIEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
C'mon, move it, handsomeness such as I don't wait a long time.

 

Die! DIEEEE!!!!! DON'T EVER CALL ME SPOILED!!!!!!
Hey hey! Watch it! Dont stain my prettiness with your fighting!!!
Does anyone in this world really use that line? ~_~
OHHHHHHHHHHHH SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT BETSY I REPENT FOR YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-*SPLAT*
And stay down, sucka!
What are YOU doing down here?
Stripcreator's stupid two character a block rule got be pushed down there. HEY KID, IF YOU CAN HEAR ME, BETTA WATCH YO BACK!

 

Alright kid, let's get you to the right room on Limbo.
Would you believe the ground is moving like a bullet train?
What the hell's going on?
I don't blame dat demon! *hyuck hyuck*
Stripcreator doesn't pay us demons enough to make Hell seem desirable to live in. Shut the hell up.
What the hell!?!?!?!?!? This is one ramshackle dump.

 

And now, a message from Will, the creator of this phenominal comic you see before you. *clap clap*
Hi, everyone. I've come to give you a letter my colleagues say is REALLY important.
Here you go. Hurry up and take it, I have stage fright.
Don't blame ya, pal.

 

Dear Will - It has come to our attention that you do not have enough money to go around making this comic.
Due to this complication, we are going to give you a loan.
For one thing, you get a free breakfast, lunch and dinner.
Second, you will have enough money to pay your actors. We are the richest company in the world.
All I have to say is.........WTF?
Whats the catch?
PS: ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US. THATS THE CATCH.

 

Well, this is your room. Have fun and let me be in peace....
For an underpaid place, this aint so bad....
HIIII-YAAAAH! URGH! AAH! HIII-YAH!
Go figure. You've got a couple roomates.
YAH!!!!
Uuuuugh!!!!

 

Yaah! OW!!! OWW!! ALRIGHT, I BEG FOR MERCY! GAAAAH! *crack* That didnt sound pretty....
You. Have. Got. To. Be. Kidding. Me.
Don't tell me I have other roomat-
TIS I! HIS PIMPNESTY HIMSELF, THE BENJIFIER!!!!!
Who the hell are you?
Actually, the question is, who the hell are you, Limbo's mah turf, bitch.

 

Devils have human names!!!! LEIK OMFG WAHT A DISCOEVRY!
Dude, I was told to live in this room by that devil freak.
SHIT! DAMN THAT CHARLIE, ALWAYS SENDING PEOPLES ON MY TURF.
Now, listen up, kid. I'm going for a drink down at Maleboge or whatever and attend to my ho'z. My bodyguard's gonna watch yo ass, so just go type on the computer or watch the tube. Got it?
*door slams*
You heard da man.

 

Oh, fine. Jeezus....Might as well hit the FAQ's while I'm at it.
I might as well hit the tube.
And on the TV....
Let's go!!!!! WE MUST DRIVE BACK THE ENEMY!!!
No! We stand little chance! Retreat!!!!!!

 

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!!!!!!
Dieeeeeeeeeeeee stupid Angel Jag!!!!!
..............
Dude, that is bullshit.
*THIS SCENE CENSORED FOR MASSIVE BLOODSHED, GORE, AND PRETTY MUCH MAKING REAL ANGELS LOOK BAD, WHICH WOULD DISTURB RELIGION* BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP

 

Mulzaney's typing.
What?
Hey, kid. ....Kid? KIDDDD!!!!!
Mulzaney's still typing.
How's about we make a deal?
Remember. Mulzaney's still typing.
DONE DAMN DEAL!
My boss Benji has connections......CONNECTIONS, MAN. And since he has connections, I got connections too. I can sneak you to the 8th floor and-

 

Hellllllllllllp!!!!!!!! AMBULANCE UNIT, I'M TIED TO SOME POST HERE.
Oh, I'll untie you. In what way, remains to find out...
DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUUUUUN.
*gulp*
Aaaagh! OH MY GOD, THAT'S SHARP! MERCY! MERCY! AAAAAAAAAAH! HELP! CALL THE POLICE! CALL THE NATIONAL GUARD! CALL PINOCCHIOOOOOOO! *crack*

 

OMG! It Bin Laden! RUN FOR YO LIIIIIIIIVES! *ahem* Back to story.
My goodness, it is hot today. Even for the desert, it feels as if Allah is cursing our world with searing heat.
What in the name of the prophet Mohammed are you?
SHADDUP! MOHAMMED IS MAH BITCH!!!! I am the Crighton, scourge of the French and all around good guy!!!
Oooh, my....what blood.....O_O

 

THIS is the 9th level of hell??
Yes. I view the Earth from up above for sinners. But tell me, what is your business?
Well, I got condemned here for murdering Bin Laden. Dunno why...But I have a more important thing to tell you. GIVE ME HELL. NOW.
Heathen!!!! I do not surrender my empire to a filthy human!!!!
O_O;;;
Oh, we have ways.....

 

Hear ye! Hear ye! The Mighty Crighton has disposed of the fallen angel Satan!!!
Yay for bloody walls!!!!
And the first act as Offical Ruler of Hell will be to dispose a sinner of my choosing...
Halt! Noone is allowed to pass into the Council House of Hell!!!
Errr......I'm sorry. But Satan was assassinated by some sinner person and he gave me this letter saying that I am supposed to take the throne....

 

CAUGHT IN THE ACT.
Then why do you have blood all over you??
Huh? Oh, this? Uhm....well....I was....er....damnit, here goes another one....
Here I come, Kingship!
Which button lets me pass....?

 

Crighton pressed the green button.
This must be the button!!!
"INVALID! INTRUDER DETECTED. SELF DESTRUCT SEQUENCE IN FIVE...FOUR..."
SHIT!!!!!!!
Hope noone saw that...

 

Steve, which is Crighton's real name, meets the Grim Reaper.
What the hell? Dude, get out of here, I still have a one day rent on this sickle.
I'm sick of using this gay plastic one, GIMME MY REAL ONE OR YOU'RE A DEAD MAN! AND YOU STOLE IT FROM ME, YOU BITCH!!
I didn't want to do this...
...
Satan and the Grim Reaper murdered in the course of several minutes. Amazing!
Or maybe I did....

 

My subjects!!!! I have taken the throne at Satan's last command!!!
HOORAY! WE ARE SAVED!!!
Now, please, I have lots of work to be doing.
Of course, master.
CRIGHTON HAS FIRED AT A RANDOM TARGET! TAKE CUVA!!
Whats this...? Eh, look, a missile guidance and firing system!! Neato....Lesse.....Oops! Damn! I targeted a random place! Oh well.

 

Sweet! Nice missile!!!
Meanwhile, back at Mulzaney's place...
I hear a soft swoosh sound....do you hear it? Whaddya think it is?
Well, it sounds like a soda letting out air, or maybe a balloon letting out air...or...maybe....SHIT! IT'S A MISSI-
Aaaaargh!
Aaaagh!!!!

 

Er.....hiya Benji. Anything I can get you today?
The usual. But that aint important. *ahem* Wise man once say: Night with the Benji is good for women.
Really...? I never knew that. Are you just hitting on me, or is that really true?
You idiot....you were supposed to say girlfriend....
YEAH HA HA! I'M A WISE MAN AND NIGHT WITH THE BENJI IS GOOD, ACCORDING TO MY WIFE!!!!!

 

"Room 2: Benjifier's Personal Quarters"
Uhm, you sure...this is a good idea? I mean, I can't have sex, I ain't ready...
Just give our way a chance...
And now.....MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Now, strip down and get ready babay! HERE COMES THE RIDE OF YO LIIIIFE!!!! Just lemme turn on da music...
'NUFF SAID!
Mmm, ohh, ahh.....god, this is good, c'mon, more! MORE!!!
I told you, give our way a chance....

 

Crighton presses a couple buttons.
I'm gonna keep messing with this doohickey missile system...
Like, dude. Crighton pressed 7128, Timewarp Missiles, and Gettysburg.
Please specify quanity of missiles, type of missiles, and target.
Uhm....
7128 Timewarp Missiles heading for Gettysburg. Please specify time to warp to.
Uhm....er....1863!

 

7128 TimeWarp missiles heading for Gettysburg in 1863. Is this your final order?
Yes! Yes!
Confirmed. Commencing Operation. Would you like to view the attack?
Yeah!!! YEAH!
Please...murder this egostitical maniac...
Duuuude! LOOK AT ALL THEM MISSILES!!!
Those missiles could almost match my handsomeness if they were handsome!

 

In Eighten-Sixty-Three...
Keep under cover, boys...Never know when them Yankees will strike...
Do you hear that...?
It's a shell! ITS A WHOLE LOAD OF THEM!!! TAKE COVER! RETREAT!!!
Aaaaah!!!!
You said to stay under cover!!!
Well we're not all God, you know!!!

 

Oooh, flag boy scares me...
We can't take much more!! We're dead men!!!
NOOOOOOOOOO! I NEVER GOT TO MAKE LOVE TO HILLARY CLINTON!!!!
AAAARGH!!!
AAAAAAGH!
Duuuuuuuuuude....

 

Gambling/Betting Room #12123
Alright, I'll lay you odds 4 to 1 that I'll beat your ass in chess!
You're on, Petey!
Gambling/Betting Room #12123, Floor 2
I am the Electronic Chessboard 99999. I am activated by voices. Please announce your move.
Uh....
Uh is not a registered command in my system. Turn goes to Player 2.
Urrrgh....you piece of shit...

 

Haha! Petey, your ass is mine!!!
Haha Petey your ass is mine is not a registered command in my system. Turn goes to Player 1.
WTF? Cheap piece of shit!!!
WTF Cheap piece of shit is not a registered command. Also, you are not currently the player at play. Player 1 wins because of Player 2's unsportsmanlike conduct.
This thing's an idiot...
Gyahahahaha I win the $5000 is not a registered command. And since the unregistered command was made by the winning player, the match is a draw.
Gyahahahaha! I win the $5000!!!!!

 

You're firewood man is not a registered command in my system. Also, there is no game at hand. Please refrain from saying any more words in the presence of EC99999.
You're firewood, man.
.....
Malfunction! Malfunction! Emergency Shutdown!!! Emergency..shut...do....
Dieeee!!!

 

My son, we are ready to commence the ultimate test. If you succeed, you shall lead God's people against that fallen angel Satan. Are you ready?
C'mon, bring it on!!!
The test will be to survive God's flame. If you succeed, you will be the destined one.
I'll beat Satan!!! I WILL!! I WILL!
Yeah, but it's lil faith I'm having that he's gonna survive.
You ready?

 

Ready?
C'mon, c'mon, destiny is MINE!!!
Alrighty, dont say I didnt warn you.
YEAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!!
Go figure.
Ya know, you lose more kids that way.

 

Commence thy burning of priest.
Yeaaaaaaaaargh!!
Priests are pretty much hippies.
I'M INNOCENT I TELL YOU!
Lemme guess. You killed someone, fled the scene of the crime and ended up in this secluded plain in the middle of nowhere?
You got it.

 

These are AIM screenames....~_~
BenjisLostBrother: wasup
IWentToHellForSex: nuthin much, u?
BenjisLostBrother: me neither, you hear about boss's personal bodyguard getting missiled?
IWentToHellForSex: Holy shit!!! Boss is gonna put a fit! I'm hiding!
BenjisLostBrother: Good idea. BenjisLostBrother: ....you there? BenjisLostBrother: hey man! you there?
IWentToHellForSex signed off at 10:42:02 PM

 

What a night! And an orgasm!
First is the best, I always say. I gotta go, c-ya.
Alright, bye.
Oh man, I'm doomed....I want my dog at my funeral!

 

Go on a quest for me, would you?
Why? Whats the point?
Because if you dont, I'll use uber demon powas...
I'M IN!
And there's rewards...

 

There's a catch...Can you afford being a kangaroo?
As long as I get the reward, I'll be a kanga-!...roo.
Good! Now I'll teleport you to the site.
Eeeeegh, the ocean....
I am your first opponent! Ph33r mah claw...thingy...stick...thing.

 

DIEEEEEEEE!!!!!!
YEEEEEOOOOOWWW! WATER AND ELECTRICITY!!!
An electric gun....O_o
Wtf...?
STICK EM UP! STICK EM UP!

 

Alrighty bitch, dis thing is on Ailen Exterminator, now shaddup or I'll have to blow you'se away.
Silence, creature! Your foul threats do not move me!
SHUT YO FACE! *unloads whole clip*
Arrrrrrrrrrgh! I have been beaten!!!!
What the hell!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?
I am Cthulhu!!! Fear my powers!

 

Not a chance, beyotch.
You still have a chance to beg and grovel to live!
BURN! BURN! PYROTECHNICS IS TEH KEWLZOR!
Defeated! IMPOSSIBLE!
I'm done! Do I get my reward now?
Errr....you get to keep the gun, stay a kangaroo, and....uhm....you can transmorgify people with that gun! Thats right...

 

Hello, sir, welcome to the Devil's Bank, would you like to make a deposit or with-dra-WA OH MY GOD!!!
Put da money in da bag!
Yes...of course...here you go, sir...mommy...
Hurry up Pete! Cops are coming!
Alright, now me and mah partner are blowin dis join, see, if you sound the alarm, I'll blow your head off, see!

 

ALARM! ALARM!
Damn! Too late! The cops! *fires at cops*
SHIT!!! DAMN THAT MOFO! I'M GETTING HIM!
Uhm...I'm filling in for that other worker...and...Nooo!
Errrgh...
PETE! HURRY YO BOUNCY ASS UP!

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