All comics by cobaltman

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by cobaltman
5-11-04
And now, my disciple, the time has come for us to part ways. Your destiny awaits you beyond the walls of this ancient sanctum. God speed, LeDarryl, you know what you must do.
Farewell, master, I shall not fail thee. May the eternal gods welcome you into their celestial home with the everlasting light of ultimate compassion.
I have returned, ancient one, and within me flows the rage of an estinguished population, mown down like so much dry autumn grain. Face me, o dark custodian of eternal darkness!
Why you gotta be a dick?

 

by cobaltman
5-11-04
Fort Bragg
At ease, maggots! Today is November 1. At 1800 hours, the mess hall will be serving this carved pumpkin; baked, at that time, into a pie.
Now, I wanna see all you maggots on your feet! Six mile run in full field gear! Attention! Move it out!
fuck

 

by cobaltman
5-11-04
Wow. I guess it's just the two of us. We're gonna have to help each other in order to survive.
I'm Todd.
And I'm His Royal Highness Lord Maximo Featherheels, King of Men, Bearer of the Light, Glorious Inheritor of All that is Righteous.

 

by cobaltman
5-17-04
...so there we were...three dudes, pissin' in the sump pump, when in walks Jeremy's old man...
"What did I tell you motherfuckers about pissin' in my sump pump!", he says... So get this, we take off runnin', but we're still pissin', ya know. I was laughin like hell............ so where were we?
DESTROY DESTROY DESTROY

 

by cobaltman
6-11-04
A wise old man once told me to live every day like it was my last.
The next day, I stabbed my boss in the next with a steak knife, spent my entire college fund on expensive hookers, and huffed a half-can of silver paint on the front steps of the police station.
Lately, I've been reconsidering the old man's logic.

 

by cobaltman
6-11-04
R-r-rover ...gget....h-h-he-l-lp...r-r-adi--a-tion...too s-s-str-ong!
c-c-ant mai..ntain......ungh...R-rover..g-get helllp....must w-w-warn..world..of..acc-i-dent..!..you-are..lasst..hope..
fuck

 

by cobaltman
7-07-04
Well, it looks like we are the only survivors. I'm a carpenter, so I can start working on a suitable shelter.
Great. I'll start looking for a good source of water and some food. I used to be a pretty good cook.
It will be rough for a while, but I think that between the two of us, we should be able to survive and live comfortably.
You said it, brother. I just hope that the radiation level isn't still very high.
5 seconds later
fuck

 

by cobaltman
7-07-04
The Celestial Arena
We meet on the field of battle. Truly shall this be a clash of the titans! Victory, however, shall be mine!
.....
You old fool! I am Hattori Hanzo, master of shadow ninjitsu! I shall make you eat those words!
Eat pyrokinesis, you Jap bitch.

 

by cobaltman
12-06-04
We..we're back in Red Rock valley! And it wasn't just a dream...golly, I thought that I was a goner at first...but then you took me on a journey through the cosmos...
I think I understand now...you just wanted to share your knowledge of the universe with me...wanted me to behold the beauty of your celestial realm. Thank you, kind being.

 

by cobaltman
12-06-04
Okay folks, step this way please. Our tour of famous VietCong P.O.W. camps begins here in the infamous Mu Pao hut 12.
From 1966 until 1971, Mu Pao was home to over 400 captured GIs. Less than 25% of them ever returned home.
Now here we are in the famous "Pao Pnem" cavern. A group of GIs discovered it in 1971 while tunneling out of the camp.
Its existence led to the most succesful prison break in the war. Unfortunately, the sixteen GIs quickly succumbed to asphyxiation when exposed to the cavern's stale air.
And this, of course, is Pink Unicorn Valley.

 

by cobaltman
12-07-04
Let's go out to Mike Cazzo on location...
Thanks, Tina. I'm here at Centerville's beloved "Insane Axe Murderer Alley". Yesterday, the city council approved plans to demolish the century-old landmark to make way for the new interstate 34.
Despite the protests of locals, demolition will begin this December. Residents have until the 12th to vacate the premesis. In the meantime, local charities are calling for donations.
If you would like to help, feel free to bring your canned goods and non-perishables to one of several dropoff locations throughout the alley...Back to you, Tina.

 

by cobaltman
12-07-04
Ok, so we blew up the plane...now what?
I dunno...I kinda figured that we would die in the explosion
Um...did you see that Lions game last week?

 

by cobaltman
12-10-04
...and when those positively charged clouds met with those pessimistically charged fumes, the galaxy was created in what we call the "great chafe".
One of those chunks of earth went on to become this planet that we now call "LeDarryl" after yours truly.
That wraps up our astrology lesson here at the Great Lakes Center for Senility Research. Don't forget to leave your check for $825 in the basket by the door.

 

by cobaltman
12-10-04
Oh, I get it. This is like that cartoon, huh? You know. Where the pencil fucks with that dude...I think it was Pink Panther.
No. It was Daffy Duck.
I don't think so, man. It was definitely not Daffy Duck. Maybe it was that other dude...you know...Droopy the Dog, or whatever.
It was not Droopy. Although now that I think about it, I seem to recall there being a cartoon like that with Bugs Bunny in it.
Nah. It wasn't Bugs Bunny either. Shit. It'll come to me in a minute.
So, you get a chance to check out the new girl in accounting?

 

by cobaltman
12-10-04
Army of the damned, huh? I dunno, buddy. I'll have to check my datebook. Friday's aren't a good day for me.
Ressurection, huh? I'll think about it. My Sundays are usually pretty busy, but I'll try to make it, okay buddy?
Robin Trower at the Palladium, huh? Sweet. I'll see you there, buddy!

 

by cobaltman
12-11-04
...and it turns out that plain ol' static electricity was why the Hindenburg blew up. Yes siree, static cling...heh heh...which reminds me, tonight on the Discovery channel, they're having a special..
Whoah...sorry to cut you off there, buddy, but I got this thing I have to go do. You know how it is. I'll probably see ya around, though.
uh..okay. Check ya later.

 

by cobaltman
12-12-04
Hi, Steve. Long time no see. Working on those marketing reports, huh?...God, I hate mondays.
Hi, Kathy. Welcome back. I'm trying to get some of these knocked out before lunch.
I hear ya. If your interested, Jim from accounting brought in some doughnuts. They're over by the coffee.
Yeah, what the hell. I guess I can take a little break.
uh...um...so......how was your trip to Haiti?

 

by cobaltman
12-13-04
The Chuckle Factory...10:42 P.M.
...and what is the deal with the little bags of peanuts on the plane? Who am I, Herve Villachaize?
Oh God. Not another fucking airline peanuts bit. I swear to god I'm gonna self-destruct if I hear that shit one more time.
What's your name, brother? Ya know, the eighties called...it wants its shirt back. Seriously, bro.
God, what a fucking terrible joke. If only humans knew that us microphones were actually a peace-loving, sentient, yet tragically immobile race. There is so much that we could teach...
So anywho...didja ever try opening a bag of those airline peanuts? ...
NOOOOOOOO!!!!

 

by cobaltman
12-13-04
I beseech thee, elder. Withdraw from ye King's wood 'afore I run thee through.
Bah! Thou art in the presence of ye Wizard of Shady Glen. Thine liege matters naught to the likes of me. Hereabout, my wizardry reigns supreme!
I have given thee fair warning, Sage. I am custodian of this merry glade and am prepared to defend it withal.
Do your worst, knave...whilst mine sorcery trounces thee into goose grease.
3 seconds later
That wasn't very hard.

 

by cobaltman
12-13-04
mmmphhhhrrrrr...
Aye, Nessie. Twas a fine summer for the tourists. Ye be as popular as ever, and me hotel was packed to that rafters.
mmmmmrrrrllll...
Whats that, luv? Ye be tired of hiding from the bonny tourists? ...
...WELL GET THE FUCK O'ER IT, YA WANKER! I GOT EIGHT BLOODY MOUTHS TO FUCKIN' FEED!

 

by cobaltman
12-13-04
My duties are done for the night. Buddha's name be praised.
Brother Chen. I am Buddha. Come this way, kind disciple. I wish to take you into my paradise this night.
*Sob* Master...I am not worthy of the joy that I feel...I seek only to praise your name throughout eternity...take me, dear master, though I am not worthy...*Sob*
Your humility honors me, Chen. No child worthy of my love is unworthy to sit at my side in paradise...come, my son...come. I shall illuminate the way...
SURPRIIISE!!! Happy Birthday to you...Happy Birthday to you...

 

by cobaltman
12-14-04
People call us Asian girls, but we are actually a couple of Eskimos who were raised in Nicaragua. I am in third year at Vasser and Donna, here, was recently accepted into Princeton.
That's right, Jenny. So, even though you could say that we are ethnically Asian, one cannot ignore the fact that neither of us has ever been on the continent.
So don't forget, kids. In today's globalized world, one must be careful and never apply stereotypes and generalizations to strangers based solely on looks.
Well spoken, Jenny. "Think progressive", that's my motto...And now, back to work.
Beevo's rad comics PVM #568
ANIME SUCKS!!!
ME SUCKY SUCKY......FIVE DOLLA!!!

 

by cobaltman
12-14-04
...Oh, dear me...gracious...where can it be? ....where in the world can it be...You've done it again, Albert...They're gonna demote you for sure this time.
Um...Albert. What the hell have you been doing all this time?
Oh...sorry Mr. Williams. I've been looking for it for quite some time now. Just can't seem to find that little rascal.
Um...Albert, when I told you to go retrieve the ball that I hit into the bunker, this isn't exactly what I meant.

 

by cobaltman
12-14-04
'allo, keeds. Is time to get 'appy. I yam jour host for dis weeks 'oliday especial. Chreestmas in eSpain is bery especial. But we no 'av the tree an the padre chreestmas...
...instead, we keel the toro for to ecelebrate the death of the jesus. Eef jou is a lucky, jou get the ear of the toro for chreestmas present...
...and I see that I haf just been a fired...say 'allo to jour new host.
Hello, Kids! Merry Christmas! Ho Ho Ho! Have you been good boys and girls?

 

by cobaltman
12-15-04
HELP!
Save your breath, Roger...we've been adrift on this raft for three days now. Nobody can hear us. Don't lose hope, though. We'll never survive if we lose our heads.
HELLLLLLP!
I know it's frustrating, man. But ya gotta learn to think positive like me. C'mon, let's sing a song. What do you say? ....
shit.

 

by cobaltman
12-15-04
So...here we are. Sworn enemies. Deep underground. A tremendous battle being fought above us.
That's right. I am ordered to kill you on sight. You have certainly been ordered to do the same.
So, you got a TV down here?

 

by cobaltman
12-15-04
Hi, kiddo. My name is Miss Pearl and your dad, Dr. Manhattan, hired me to sit for you this evening. So waddya say? You wanna go get into your jammies?
No? How about some popcorn? We can watch Ninja Turtles before your bedtime.
C'mon, Tiger...why so shy? Don't you like babysitters?

 

by cobaltman
12-16-04
They call me Red Wells, spirit of the Arizona sagebrush. I'm here ta help ye, little missy.
I dont know how ya got out here to the middle of the desert, but if ya tell me where ya live, I'll guide ya home.
Oh...I live in that condo over there. You're standing where are pool is going to go.

 

by cobaltman
12-30-04
At last, project Yoko Ono is ready to commence. This android will continue to grow and will infiltrate the puny human world.
She will numb them with her mediocrity, beguile them with her pointlessness. And then she will corrupt the one who is destined to lead them.
"I saw that nothing was permanent. You don't want to possess anything that is dear to you because you might lose it"
Excellent!

 

by cobaltman
12-30-04
Hello, gentlemen, and welcome. My name is Dan and I've gone three months without a goatee...Here at G.A., we'll help you achieve the same kind of success.

 

by cobaltman
1-01-05
Ok, maam. Can you tell me exactly what you saw here?
Well, a gang of ruffians beat that poor man nearly to death with lead pipes and hockey sticks. Many of us bystanders were slipping on all of the blood by the time it was over.
Anything else?
Well, they took his leather jacket away and stole his motorcycle...but not before urinating all over his broken corpse
Thank you, maam. We'll call you if we need another statement.
Oh...and I believe the young man's name was "Fonzie". At least that is what some of the screaming children were crying out while it was all happening.

 

by cobaltman
1-01-05
Duuude...that's a pretty rightous snowdude. Some kid musta worked pretty hard on him. He's got the hat and the scarf and the carrot. Awesome!
Sweet. I think I, like, see another one up ahead
Ummm...not too bad. They just aint as good, though, without the top hat.

 

by cobaltman
1-03-05
Hiya, pal. I'm Doctor Neutrino, the local mad doctor, and let me tell ya, I'm totally psyched for this attack of the monsters. We're gonna kick some ass tonight!
Uhhhhhh...
How about you, huh? You got the whole "night of the living dead" thing goin' on. Nice. Old school, you know what I'm saying. Pretty awesome.
uhhhh...meeee zombieeee
I hear ya, my man. As soon as Dracula shows up, we're gonna get this show on the road.
uhhhh...tell me why, again, me not eat your brain?

 

by cobaltman
1-03-05
Hi! I am a bottlenose dolphin. You are a mako shark. I am a mammal. You are a fish. You are made of cartilage. I breath air, you have gills.
So...can I buy some porn?

 

by cobaltman
1-04-05
Fuck!
Cut! Ok, Mr. Brimley, we don't have much light left. Now remember, it's okay to ad-lib...but just try to keep the language a little more appropriate. Ok? Action!
Fuck!
Cut! Mr. Brimley, please...you are trying to save the Ewoks from the evil monsters...this is a family picture. Ok? Let's roll it again. Action!
Fuck!
Ok folks, let's call it a day....Mindy, get my agent on the phone.

 

by cobaltman
1-04-05
Ok...somebody has to be in charge of this week's anal probing. One...Two...Three, Not It!
Listen, you son of a bitch, I'll blow your head off before I pull anal-probe duty two weeks in a row.
Whoa. Take it easy...I've got an idea! Remember that exchange student who came on board last month...?
5 minutes later
Hey, Takashi...what's the good word, bro?

 

by cobaltman
1-05-05
Inferno
Welcome to hell. Have a shit sandwich.
Purgatory
Welcome to purgatory. Would you like a shit sandwich?
Paradise
Welcome to heaven. Watch me eat this shit sandwich.

 

by cobaltman
1-05-05
Why, if it aint Johnny Reb hisself...you're a long way from Tennessee, boy.
I reckon this'll all be Tennessee when we whup you yankees once and fer all.
What the hell happened?

 

by cobaltman
1-06-05
Mike Cazzo here. Tonight on Channel 8 Investigators, we are going to follow local paranormal investigator Doug Lafferty on a real life ghost hunt.
So tell me, Doug, is there a lot of science that goes into ghost hunting? Can we expect to see an apparition here tonight?
Well, Mike, we rely more on E.V.P. and infrared video to document paranormal phenomena. Try to keep an eye out for small ectpoplasmic orbs.If you put on your thermal goggles and...
...and, um, there you go.

 

by cobaltman
1-06-05
...and so, Danny, when I came to, I found that that dose of cosmic radiation had somehow given me superhuman intelligence. That is the reason why I must put an end to this silly little mission.
uhhh...
...so does this mean you don't wanna go fingerpaint with me?
Sorry, old chap. I now have a higher purpose. I will be forced to destroy the ship, of course. Please don't take it personally.
ok

 

by cobaltman
1-06-05
Dice che posso vincere piu' di cento mila euro.
Minchia! Immagina che cosa potrei fare con i soldi.
Comprerei una bici.

 

by cobaltman
1-07-05
Is this your first time in a gay club, hon? Well let me tell you, sister, wide polyester neck ties went out in the seventies.
sigh...that's a little better. But don't you have something to match that fab hockey mask?
hmmm...let's try that tie again.

 

by cobaltman
1-09-05
Uranus: Vostok II mission, USSR 1966
Uranus: Aquarius 9 mission, USA 1979
Uranus: Hawking I mission, NAF 2093
this planet sucks

 

by cobaltman
1-11-05
Nancy, do you ever get that "not-so-fresh" feeling?
Why sure, Janey. That's when I turn to "Spring Breeze" brand deodorant rinse.
So d'ya spose it'll rain on tuesday?

 

by cobaltman
1-15-05
Ok, Attention, please! Welcome to my halloween party...now, would those of you who are not bums, hobos, and hippies looking for free food please raise your hands...

 

by cobaltman
1-28-05
...and I went on to graduate with a 4 point 0 grade point average, fulfilling the dream of my father and every other African American woman in my neighborhood.
And as you children go out there into the real world, remember the words of Dr. King: "I have a dream." That dream lives on in the...
...ahem...would somebody please get this dog to stop humping my leg?

 

by cobaltman
2-03-05
Now look, you mug, I want him rubbed out, see. They'll never take me in alive, see. If that mug squeels, he'll send me up river, see.
See, he's the only one that can cook my goose, see. See, I want him, see, bumped off, see.
See, can you see him over there, see? See, see him, see. See, can you see, see? See, his name's Sam See, see. See what I'm sayin', see?

 

by cobaltman
2-04-05
Well hello, Steve Sprague. Say, do you remember that guy outside of Fostoria, Ohio who has the gag "air-mail" mailbox in front of his modest ranch-style shithole of a house.
Why of course, George Fawcett. He's right down the street from those white trash assholes who thought they were going to restore that old victorian farmhouse and who now live in a trailer behind it.
Well, I'm the guy who ran over his dog with a mower that was just sharpened by Justin's grandfather. I don't know why I did it. It must have something to do with me being banned from the Seneca lanes.
I bowl at Mt. Idy, myself. I'm the guy who has all of those bowling balls scattered around his lawn and going up his television antennae. You know, right by Saum's Meats.
Sure. Ladd Cech sure thought that Saum's was noteworthy when driving the boys to orientation at Ohio State.
It is, of course, but not nearly as noteworthy as Coon's Candy; the store that prompted Mr. Bob Lengel to pronounce it in a funny voice when taking that same trip with his new girlfriend.

 

by cobaltman
2-04-05
See these, junior!? This is what ya need in life! Balls! Aint nobody gonna respect ya without 'em!
ummmm...
...'cause in this country, first you get the money...then you get the power...then you get the women...!
uhhhhh...
I promised you bastards nothing! I owe you nothing! I never gave a sucker an even break, but I never screwed a friend!
um...dad? The lawnmowing droid is acting up again.

 

by cobaltman
2-06-05
There is old Korean proverb: Toilet and Cherry bomb shall soon be met.
Banzai!
And our motto at Asmodeus Bathroom Fixtures is: Comfort, Style, Pyrokinesis

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