All comics by Ranger77

Profile

 

by Ranger77
4-11-05
So how was the High School Reunion?
Not bad. One girl I absolutely hated 'back in the day' called me a slut for being involved in porn. She said selling oneself for money was evil.
That was kinda harsh.
She on the other hand married a rich, ugly, 65 year old, balding arrogant doctor with a taste for bourbon and strippers, in that order.
You made her cry by pointing out the obvious didn't you?
I felt it was my duty.

 

by Ranger77
4-12-05
"Hey guys, how do you feel about the passing of the Pope?"
Very sad. He was a great man.
In our religion we do things differently. We would not mourn so long for one man. It goes against our basic belief system.
It WOULD really suck if that Ronco "Set it and Forget it" guy from those infomercials died.
Ok, I'll give you that one....

 

by Ranger77
4-12-05
"Hey guys, how do you feel about the passing of the Pope?"
Very sad. He was a great man.
In our religion we do things differently. We would not mourn so long for one man. It goes against our basic belief system.
Then again when Rick James died you played "Superfreak" continously over a period of three days.
THAT was different.
I also seem to recall when John Ritter died....
Are we done here?

 

by Ranger77
4-12-05
We have to be ever vigilant. In this war on terrorism the enemy is elusive AND deadly.
Yep.
Some say the intelligence organizations in this country are hamstrung by bureaucracy. I say bullshit.
Me too.
Say, did you get that memo about sleeper agents dressing up as cartoon animals to avoid suspicion?
Nope, missed that one.

 

by Ranger77
4-13-05
You know, you and I haven't really gotten along and that's mainly my fault.....
This guy is NOT Captain Justice. He can't fool me. He's a liar and a pretender. EnergyGrrl was right....
Effective immediately you're in charge of all Defender's League Space Ops. It's long overdue. I'll go gather the team now and announce it to them.
You may now go have a good cry and question your previously held perceptions of me about me.
I would die for you....

 

by Ranger77
4-14-05
I said "WHO'S THERE!"

 

by Ranger77
4-28-05
It was a special season.... It was a season where a small town boy learned about the 'circle of life' from an unlikely source: a young deer.
It's a tragic tale, yet it has a unique value of teaching us all what really matters.....
....It's all about the snackin'.
We're going to make jerky out of you....you do know that don't you?
You'll have to catch me first you hick bastard.

 

by Ranger77
4-28-05
Pretty quiet around here. I guess everyone took vacation about the same time I did. Did I miss anything?
They say "American Idol" is rigged. Micheal Jackson's ex says he's a great father.
So....I guess that means no?
You got it.

 

by Ranger77
4-29-05
It starts like this....
This just in from American Institute of Dietary Health....a new study finds that eating Corn Flakes can cause death!
And then leads to this....
Oh my God, did you hear....?
I had Frosted Flakes this morning. Does that count? I think I'm going to be sick....
We finally end up here.
So this study, funded by the Oatmeal lobby, tracked ten 90-year old males who ate Corn Flakes at least once in their lives and they all died. Eventually.
And some people dare say that this isn't the Golden Age of Science....

 

by Ranger77
4-29-05
Yahoo (via Reuters) April 28, 2005
I heard Denny's is getting sued again. One of your managers kicked out a bunch of Arab guys saying "We don't serve bin Ladens here." Pretty harsh...
The news reports were based on comments taken out of context.
Ah...."out of context." That's original.
Listen kid, we just got tired of all those bounced checks. We simply told Mr. Ladden...or as we knew him Ben, the next time he and his friends tried to write a bad check we would not....
Dude, you're reaching. Stop now before you hurt yourself.
Do you even KNOW how much time and effort goes into putting together a plate of "Moon Over my Hammy?"

 

by Ranger77
4-30-05
Ok, what's the deal. Is it the REAL Captain Justice or not?
The identity scans say 'yes,' so I had to run some specialized tests on him.
Specialized tests to explain the personality change?
Correct. I ran the usual exams: Evil Twin, Possession, Ear Parasite, Clone, Alien Pod Doppleganger....after all that there was only one possible answer.
"Hit on the Head by a Boulder?!?"
It's more commonly known as 'Flintstone Personality Change Disorder' or FPCD....

 

by Ranger77
5-01-05
You're funny lookin'. Let's play a game. I'm thinkin' of a number 'tween one and ten. What is it?
Actually you're not thinking of a number as much as a representation of that number.
In reality you are thinking of all possible numbers and their relationship to that single representation you are now trying to visualize....
*sigh* Look at that expression on her face. She'll probably be wearing black and quoting Nietchze by the end of the day.
Whatever. She called me funny looking.

 

by Ranger77
5-02-05
"Dude is that BLOOD?"
"AAAH! Well....at least it doesn't burn as much as it did last week."
"Geez....they smeared it everywhere."
"It's a deal. First one that blows his load gets the $50. I'll start."
So that's it for our first Public Service Announcement: "Things you don't want to hear in a rest area Men's room."
And yes, we're terribly ashamed of ourselves....

 

by Ranger77
5-02-05
There he is. You distract the starfish and I'll jump him.
This is a STUPID idea.
He'll never see it coming. That's why we got these costumes. Once we get him I promise I'll buy you a Crabby Patty.
Oh yeah. He'll never see Santa and a big FUCKING red robot coming at him. This is so lame.
Will you stop being so negative for a change?
Did you see this thing I'm wearing?! Ok, here's a topic for discussion: WHERE THE FUCK IS MY RIGHT ARM?!

 

by Ranger77
5-07-05
It's true officer I swear. My husband died in that fiery car crash. He's burned alll beyond recognition.
Yeah. Ok....there are no skid marks on the scene. The body, although burned, matches that of a 81-year old women whose corpse was stolen recently....
AP (via AOL news) May 7th, 2005
....AND it seems like your "new" boyfriend looks alot like your 'dead' husband. Add to that a $110,000 life insurance policy payout you will receive....Your thoughts?
(Thanks to Ivy 'CurvyLaserDangerGirl" theplant!)
Umm...wanna fuck?
Y'know if you keep this up they MIGHT let you do a cameo on SNL.

 

by Ranger77
5-08-05
Bitch.
Pussy.
Asshole.
Asshole.
I don't feel offended. I guess I still don't understand Human insults.
Or their jokes either. "Because he can" is simply a statement of fact....

 

by Ranger77
5-08-05
Wild parties. Guns. Dead Strippers....and the cops are practically non existent while this all is going on.
Hmmm.
Yeah. It's pretty crazy. He travels around with his posse....kind of the dark side of hip hop I guess you can say. He's all about getting PAID.
I see. Incredible.
"Uh....Kid....are you old enough to be playing GTA: San Andreas? It's a mature title, you know...."
Yeah, right. I was talking about the Mayor of Detroit.
Tell me about that $210,000 in credit card expenses again....

 

by Ranger77
5-10-05
Mars v. Venus....Marital Bliss....yes it's Sitcom time again.
Okay, I'm officially on vacation. No email, voicemail....just you and me spending time together.
Good. I've signed us up for Swing dancing lessons.
Aw come on. Don't give me the typical "Guys don't dance" look. I know ALOT of guys who love dancing. And NO they're not gay either.
The hooves and these big leathery wings don't really register with you do they?
I've picked out this great looking yellow Zoot suit for you...

 

by Ranger77
5-11-05
Can you believe it?! Swing Dancing. Don't you think there's a reason it went out of style?
Never underestimate the power of a GAP commerical. I think you need some advice.
I got some. Helena said I should calmly explain to Britney that dancing makes me uncomfortable and try to talk it out.
Sounds sensible. You could, of course, get a SECOND opinion.
Swing Dancing?! Dude, if I were you I'd figure out a way to break your leg before she asks you to start watching "The View" with her.
Thanks, Chuck. Really.

 

by Ranger77
5-13-05
The saga continues....
I don't care what he says. If he loves me he'll do this for me.
Uh....you kinda knew this when you married him. Marrying someone to "change" them is akin to "fighting for peace" or "fucking for abstinence."
I don't understand why guys don't like to dance. It can be fun and even sensual.
*sigh* Britney, how many times have you seen "Dirty Dancing?" I'll bet it's your favorite movie.
That's beside the point. But even if it was, where are the real men like Partrick Swayze? Or the funny, sensitive ones like Hugh Grant?
Ummm....Playing drag queens and picking up prostitutes in East Los Angeles?

 

by Ranger77
5-19-05
Ok, you're my conscience. What should I do?
Sometimes you have to compromise. Alot of guys think they can't figure women out. They just don't know how to communicate. Here she comes now....
Britney, look about this dancing thing....
Don't worry about it. I scored us a couple tickets to the Episode III premiere. I'm SO excited! Let me get my purse....
Well?
Fuck if I know.

 

by Ranger77
5-19-05
I cannot serve you young one. I cannot and will not start you on a dangerous lifestyle of eating fast food.
Gaa.
TODAY, I will also quit my job here at Fortress Burger in protest, to honor my recent conversion to vegetarianism.
Goo?
It's my sincere hope, little one, that flesh never touches your innocent lips....
Listen freakboy, If I'm not going to get a cheeseburger up in here, there's a nipple over there with my name on it....and it ain't rubber either.

 

by Ranger77
5-19-05
You monks are shti andyou dress funyn.
Got nuthin to asy, huh? Thought os. You're all a bunch of fgas. I'm outat heer.
Drunk?
And dyslexic. Pretty sad actually....

 

by Ranger77
5-26-05
I know it sounds weird, Toro, but I think we should just let Captain Justice continue to act....well, normal.
Things have gotten better, I must admit. Still....
I know, it's sounds wrong. But Orgo said as long as we prevent another serious blow to his head for at least a couple months, this new personality will take over.
*sigh* Ok. OMNIBUS.....where is Captain Justice right now?
....CAPTAIN JUSTICE IS CURRENTLY RESCUING PEOPLE FROM A ROCKSLIDE IN CALIFORNIA. HE WAS IN SUCH A HURRY HE FORGOT HIS HELMET....
Dammit.
Oh yeah right, like you didn't see that one coming.

 

by Ranger77
5-27-05
Will you please just go AWAY.
Then I said, look if you're going to go with that color you need to set it off with some jewelry, maybe a nice broach.
**UGH**
Really when you look at it, most people aren't really fat, they just wear unflattering clothing.
Let me guess, I had one too many Slippery Nipples at that "Revenge" party and now I'm passed out and having a messed up dream.
That's about it. You NEVER drink shots with a guy dressed like Boba Fett. They tend to be on the "badass" side of geekdom.

 

by Ranger77
5-28-05
Excuse me. I hear you give advice about dating.
Yeah. I've been, like, around.
I just don't attract women. They always want the "dangerous and edgy" types. What should I do?
Listen, dude....the best thing you can do is be yourself. It's, like, real simple. Don't pretend to be something you're not.
Really....is that how you get girls?
Hell no! I'm in a band, dude. Geez....

 

by Ranger77
5-30-05
Mailbag time (again): "Dear Monks, I've noticed several subtle digs at Scientology in your strip. What gives?"
Actually, we have the greatest respect for Scientology and....
Battlefield Earth.
Ummm....as I was saying, religion is sometimes misunderstood so....
Dianetics. Tom Cruise.
I suppose it is possible dead space aliens left negative energy which is the source of all the world's problems....
Strip's over....I don't think they're buying it.

 

by Ranger77
6-02-05
You're becoming quite the "love counselor," Chuck.
I just talk about my experiences, penguin-dude. I got alot of knowledge to drop, y'know. For example, one night after a gig....
So you like our music, huh? Do you, like, want to go out sometime?
Sure! But when my father finds out, he'll probably pay to have you killed, just like in that Prince movie "Under the Cherry Moon."
That scared you, huh?
Hell yeah! What kind of 21 year old chick makes reference to a PRINCE movie?! Scary shit, man. Scary.

 

by Ranger77
6-06-05
Video games are 'murder simulators.' They should be banned.
Yeah, whatever.
Violence and destruction should not be considered entertainment.
I got past the chemical plant. Sweet.
I got next game.
BULL-shit. Shouldn't you be listening to NPR or something right now?

 

by Ranger77
6-06-05
We weren't able to get Brad Pitt in today's strip so we have Trey McTrevor, famous VH-1 spokesmodel, to talk on his behalf.
Thanks, Kid. Brad is getting a bad rap. As a celebrity I know....and the media always has it wrong. And this thing about Angelina Jolie is not true.
So the Primetime gig tonight is about setting the record straight and his humanitarian efforts. It doesn't have anything to do with this new movie.
Exactly. Contrary to popular thought movie stars don't seek out publicity all the time. We need privacy too. My publicist reminded me of that this morning.
Ok. Thanks....
One more thing. You'd be doing yourself a disservice if you miss "Mr. and Mrs. Smith" which opens this Friday....

 

by Ranger77
6-06-05
You were a little easy on Trey McTrevor. Too bad. You had alot of material there. Brad Pitt is an easy target for sarcasm.
I've got a cold. But I guess I could have mentioned how actors get involved with "causes" on the advice of their agents to further their career and gain sympathy and support.
Yep, you could have.
Or I might have suggested how silly it is for a guy who claims to be involved in humanitarian efforts to promote a movie full of violence, boobage, car chases and miscellaneous gunfire.
Yeah.
Or the fact that if I were banging Angelina Jolie I'd broadcast it like the NBA Finals. But...Like I said, I've got a cold.

 

by Ranger77
6-09-05
Have you seen, EnergyGrrl?
With the pending release of Batman Returns and The Fantastic Four we've had an increase of membership applications. She's conducting interviews.
I'll bet she's not happy about that.
Don't underestimate E-Grrl. She'll be very professional....
Not only no, but HELL no.

 

by Ranger77
6-09-05
The interviews continue....
I'm The Pimp, baby. My powers are mackin' plain and simple. Women love and fear me. It's the skills, baby. The skills.
1...2...3... Maintain...Maintain....
I'm a specialist, baby. You see, you bring me in when you fight hoochies, hos or "Sailor Moon" lookin' bitches like you....
*SNAP*
Nice to see you showed restraint. They say he'll be eating solid food again in a few months.
Hey, what can I say....pimpin' ain't easy.

 

by Ranger77
6-10-05
Do you really think you can be a superhero? You are a bit, and pardon me for saying so, scary.
yesss. i am tired of being evil sssss. i wisssh to use my powersss for good. sssss
Well, we do lack magic users in the Defenders League....
ssss i have embraced the powersss of light ssss yesss. i am very powerful. ssss mystic energies flow within me yessss.
And you will get paid for your efforts, of course.
Salary, right? Because my last gig was hourly and it really blew. I always got screwed on the overtime....

 

by Ranger77
6-20-05
EnergyGrrl takes break from the "interview action!"
Did you hear that Jessica Alba is wearing somekind of Neoprene body suit in the Fantastic Four that makes her look slim and curvy at the same time? It's madness.
Sexist madness if you ask me. What superhero in there right mind would wear some body altering thing like that.
Yeah.
So stupid.
You have been outbid on the official Fantastic Four Neoprene body suit by CatLass219.
That little feline BITCH!

 

by Ranger77
6-22-05
This is SO frustrating. Everyone of these superhero applicants I'm interviewing are psychotic, eccentric, socipathic idiots on somesort of childish power trip.
Actually that would make them similiar to the current members of the Defenders League.
Such behavior is common to those involved vigilantism. Being a superhero is nothing more than a psychosis outlet and a means to escape from traumatic experiences and emotional problems.
That wasn't suppose to make me feel better was it?
No.

 

by Ranger77
6-23-05
Are we really a bunch of delusional power fanatics? I don't believe that. We serve a purpose. We protect and serve. We're heroes, not violent sociopaths.
Hey EnergyGrrl, do you have any spot remover? Stupid perp bled like a stuck pig when I hit him in the face. And then he tried to pull a knife on me. Fucking idiot.
Don't worry, I didn't kill him. At least I don't think I did. He might not be able to use his legs anytime soon, but who knows with the recent advancements in prosthetics he might actually....
What?

 

by Ranger77
6-24-05
Introducing the Defenders League New Hire class of 2005!
Nice costume. Me, I'm called Angellic. I have powers from....beyond.
Are you mocking me?
Excuse me, will you please stop staring at my chest?!
A female knight. How cute. Do you use words like "thou", "smite" and "ye."
Quite often. For example, THOU art an asshole. If you don't shut the hell up I will be forced to SMITE your ass. YE has been warned...

 

by Ranger77
6-25-05
Congratulations, EnergyGrrl. It seems you have completed the difficult task of choosing new members of the League despite your concerns.
Yep. I pretty much said 'screw it' and picked a bunch of people at random.
This should prove interesting.
I thought so.

 

by Ranger77
6-26-05
The morning after....
....and then when you kissed my neck I knew it was time to play "bury the sausage." You were absolutely wild in bed.
Really I was quite surprised, but I guess 'X' is some powerful shit. Especially when you're drinking malt liquor. I mean the way you dissed that beautiful blonde to get to me.....
So, I was thinking maybe I won't videotape it next time. My agent says that the one we made should satisfy the freaks for awhile.

 

by Ranger77
6-26-05
The writers sincerely apologize for that last strip. Unfortunately the RCL (Random Comic Layout) was waaay too tempting. Such power is prone to abuse.
We find that when we use the RCL for "Random Thoughts" our mind tend to wander to the most unusual things. Usually about sex, guns or Nickeldeon cartoons. Yes....we're that screwed up.
So we present this alternate strip featuring Pants1-1, Jon 5-1 and the Prison2 background. Enjoy!
And I better NOT see you pee standing up either...

 

by Ranger77
6-27-05
Without warning....your life is turned upside down with an amorous attack by Tom Cruise!
I love you....almost as much as I love myself. Penelope, Nicole....those other women meant NOTHING to me. You're young and vibrant. I'm older and freaky. There's synergy here!
But first you'll have to embrace my religion, renounce psychiatry, and sign this non disclosure and pre-marital combo agreement in blood. You also must call my penis "Butch".
So what do YOU do??
So what do I do??
I'd say kick him in the groin, but that may cause brain damage.

 

by Ranger77
7-03-05
Beautiful day.
Yes it is.
It's the perfect environment to reflect and meditate on our lives and, most importantly, our actions.
Yep.
You KNOW I was interested in her! Thanks alot for the cockblock, brother.
Dude, you walked away and started talking to that Vegan chick. Will you PLEASE drop it!

 

by Ranger77
7-05-05
I've finally found what I'm looking for! I'm going to be a 'global activist!'
This woman in Oregon called Starhawk is going to be teaching a course this summer on how to fight the money driven greed machines of Corporate America!! Doesn't that sound cool?
(Not making this one up....R77)
Now if I can only figure out a way to come up with the $1500 course fee.
Hopefully not by donating to a sperm bank...

 

by Ranger77
7-08-05
Hey guys. What's new?
Nothing. Nothing at all.
We're a bit bored.
Sorry to hear that. Me, I was working out at the gym today and instead of CNN someone had put on "Maury Povich." It was pretty pathetic.
Shows like that usually are. They exploit people and celebrate conflict.
They are rather disturbing.
Yeah. But someone is watching. Those shows make millions in ad revenue. Not to mention DVDs, appearances.... Hello? Guys?
Sorry, I have to meditate or something.
And I have to do something that has to do with, uh, something as well.

 

by Ranger77
7-08-05
Look, you and your brother made me alot of money with that religion thing, but this.... There are too many talk shows already.
Please hold your opinions until you see this teaser preview from our demo tape.
The Secrets of Lesbian Jello Fighting REVEALED! And also, Penis Enlargement made easy and CHEAP!
All this and Uncensored Aquatic Bird Sex Tapes on the next MONK JUSTICE!!
Blackmail. Wow. That's a bit rude.
Believe it or not, we're talking about about a couple of Egrets from Philly.

 

by Ranger77
7-11-05
Some are you have expressed disappointment in our venture into the world of daytime talk shows.
My brother and I can assure you that the best efforts are being made to make our show one of quality.
"For example, we are only canvassing the most upscale low income areas for exploitation. Our methods are quite modern."
Dammit!! I need more addresses for the Away Team!! Increase the GPS satellite coverage to include urban dollar stores and give me a trailer park scan, stat!
Me search engines canna take much more of this!!!
"Once suitable candidates have been located they are screened by our professional staff...."
If you admit to having an affair with over 20 guys BEFORE deciding to become a Lesbian, we'll throw in a bag of pork rinds, a bottle of Mogen David and a Chia Pet.
I'm in.

 

by Ranger77
7-11-05
Of course that does bring up a good point, brother.
Yes it does. Isn't it unfair that based on income people are embarrassed, trashed and generally made fools of on television?
I mean just demeaning people like that by giving them the promise of what amounts to five minutes of fame.....
It does make one think. Where do pretty people in higher income brackets go to look stupid for the sake of ad revenue?
Let's see Fear Factor, The Real World, The Apprentice, The Bachelor (and Bachelorette), Big Brother, Joe Millionaire...
Equal and fair treatment is a wonderful thing.

 

by Ranger77
7-11-05
Meanwhile....
Hello. I was watching CNN today and they identified you as one of those conservative lawyers that said in a blog what Karl Rove did was legal.
Yes, I am son. But it's VERY complicated. This isn't a simple matter. Lots of legal dynamics at work here.
Uh...well, TRY to explain to me how identifying a CIA operative involved in covert ops and discussing it with the media is legal?
*sigh* Ok. Listen, carefully and try to follow me here. The reason it's not illegal is booga booga booga.
"Booga Booga Booga?"
Like I said it's a LAW thing. You wouldn't understand....

 

by Ranger77
7-16-05
Two years and 500 comics later....
Remember the first year of strips? Lots of dialogue, forced jokes, corny SF storylines and of course spelling and continuity errors.
It's amazing how things haven't changed much.
So get this, I made my first appearance in a strip made up of Spam subject lines.
You're lucky. My first appearance had lines like: "You talk to the dark man who lives on the other side of the valley, yo." Embarrassing.
I'm portrayed as this cynical superchick with control issues who snaps every once in awhile to kick someone's ass. And I look like Sailor Mercury. You?
I'm supposed to be an ex-porn star. Yep, this guy really knows how to write for women.....

Showing page 10.

« Previous Next »