All comics by four_legged_tripod

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Juliet was in love with Romeo, not Lil Romeo.
She was? That's good. I can't imagine her waking up every day to all of his dreadlocks, gold in his teeth, and his constantly yelling "YEAHHHHAH!"
Now you're thinking of Lil Jon.
Why would I be thinking of a dude wearing a black robe telling women not to have abortions?
You mean, why would you be thinking of Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts?
Wasn't he a prostitute until he got married to Richard Gere?

 

Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts did not marry Richard Gere. I can't fully comment on the prostitute part though, because I never really knew the man.
Then who am I thinking of?
Julia Roberts.
The little girl in the Nancy Drew movie was a prostitute?
No! Emma Roberts was never a prostitute as far as I know.
That's good. No woman who could look that ugly in Nanny McPhee should ever be a prostitute.

 

Emma Roberts didn't play Nanny McPhee. That was Emma Thompson.
Oh she's good. Multi-talented even. I used her last fall to seal my deck.
What the hell? We're talking about people here. You just confused Emma Thompson with Thompson's Water Seal. What's your problem?
I don't have a problem. What's your problem?
My problem is that I want to roundhouse kick your face so hard that your nose ends up in another county, but I'm not sure how to do that.
When did we start talking about Chuck Norris?

 

Dione, the birth of our daughter is very important and I want to get her name right. I will travel through time to find a name that represents our love for each other.
Be careful Zeus and return safe to me.
1973
Damn girl! You gots the biggest bush I ever did see. It's like you gots an afro in yo pants. A dyno-mite afro! Ima gonna call it an afro-dytie!
Honey, I'm back. I've picked up our daughter's new name, and something called chlamydia.

 

Macho, macho man. I want to be a macho man. Macho macho--
Hey Randy? Would you please stop signing that stupid song now that we've finally made it to Florida?
Fine. If you wish. I'll just reach back here and grab me a Slim Jim...
Randy! Keep your eyes on the road! OHHHHH NOOOOO!!
Fuckin' ass wipe messed up my line!

 

Not many people showed up at your protest
Yeah, I know, disappointing...
What are you even protesting?
Nancy Reagan's existence.

 

Not many people showed up at your protest
Yeah, I know, disappointing...
What are you even protesting?
Agoraphobia.

 

Not many people showed up at your protest
Yeah, I know, disappointing...
What are you even protesting?
I wish I knew. I'm blind and can't even read my own sign.
So, you're just out here brailing against society?

 

Sex in Nebraska
Oh God yes! Oh God yes!
Sex in Nigeria
Oh Allah yes! Oh Allah yes!
Sex in Narnia
Oh Aslan yes! Oh Aslan yes!
Are you seriously fantasizing that you're fucking a lion right now?

 
by four_legged_tripod, 5-31-11

 

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by four_legged_tripod, 6-01-11

 

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by four_legged_tripod, 6-01-11

 
by four_legged_tripod, 6-05-11

 

She really called you that?
Yep. Right before she gave me a mouthful of water and shoved my head up her cunt.
Mom, do you ever feel... not so fresh?
Sure. That's why I douche, but only with natural ingredients like baking soda and water found in...
If I'd have know my whole head could have fit up there, I would have kept fucking her for at least another month before telling her I was doing her mom too.
Mr. Massengil? Your table is ready.

 

THAT'S my baby?
If you or a loved one took Paxil during pregnancy and now have a child with severe birth defects, you may have a potential claim against the makers of Paxil. Here at the law offices of...
So, Doc Brown, you're telling me that if I drive your DeLorean 88 miles an hour, I can go back in time nine months and say "yes" to anal sex?

 

Ow!
by four_legged_tripod, 6-15-11

 

This has been such a wonderful vacation to Earth, Xandar. We should do it again real soon.
As long as you don't eat anymore of those refried beans, Malgon. Your gas is awful. You should light a match.
Oh well. It's not like they were using their planet properly anyway. Say, what's that you're eating?
Royal with cheese.

 

I'm the king of the world!
No, I'm the king of the world!
You've been running the "earth" program for how long and they're still fighting?
I know. It's ridiculous. I'm just going to restart the program from the beginning. [Control-Alt-Delete]
I'm the king of the world!
No, I'm the king of the world!

 

Your son is no longer allowed to watch any more Disney movies.
What did he do now?
He made some very disturbing comments after watching "The Princess and the Frog."
Like what?
Like, "after the princess fucked the frog, I bet she contracted the world's first case of vaginal warts."

 

What the hell is this monkey doing in our...
ROOM?
If you don't get him out I'm gonna bust him with a...
BROOM!
I was going to say baseball bat.
Look lady, obviously I'm not wanted here. When your husband lured me up here with a glass of white wine I was expecting this night to go quite differently.

 

Gotta get to bed early. Got a big day ahead of me tomorrow.
Why?
Betty Ford died.
Hey barkeep, how's 'bout another round?

 

Launch!
You missed me again! That's your 27th bird today. You really are addicted to this "Angry Birds" game aren't you?

 

STROKE! STROKE!
STROKE! STROKE!

 

Damn baby, you got a nice rack!
Did your penis just say something?
No. It's my talking balls.
And I'm the best pair of looking balls you'll ever see.
Your balls are hitting on me?
They do that.
I'd offer to teabag you but I think I'd be way to big to fit in your mouth.
They sure are full of themselves.
They're just being ego-testicle.

 

...then after an intense upper body work out, I pulled all the weeds from the garden only to walk in to see that the dog vomited on the rug so I scrubbed it all clean on my hands and knees.
Needless to say my arms are extremely sore and I can barely lift them.
Sooooo, no hand job tonight?

 

And out off of the coast of Alaska, we can see the majestic Humpback out at sea.
Most of what we can see however, is just a beautiful whale tail.
Girl, pull yer dam britches up! Even the guy on the tv can see the top of yer thong!

 

Oh yes! God that feels good. Oh no. I think I'm gonna fart.
Don't you dare! Not now!
I can't help it. Plus, there's nothing you can really do about it.
The hell I can't. I'm going to plug that hole before it escapes.
You better not stick it in my aAAAAASSSS!!!! [BRRAAAPPP!]
Eww. Your breath smells like shit.

 

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Oh, and one more thing... Smell my finger!
Okay people, that's a wrap. We start shooting again in the morning.
Listen J.J., could you talk to the writers and see what we can do about my catch phrase? "Smell my finger" just isn't working for me.
Come on now Peter, it's a great catch phrase that can be used in any situation. Just try it tonight and I'm sure you'll agree.
Hey baby. Wanna party?
Are you kiddin'? Smell my finger!

 

Up against the car sir. We got you on soliciting a prostitute. Have you been drinking?
Why don't you just smell my finger?
*sniff* Your finger smells drunk to me. Looks like you'll be spending the night in the slammer.
Fuck you pig. You can go smell my finger!
Hey sweet stuff. Wanna party?
Wouldn't you rather just smell my finger?

 

Hey, Peter baby! How'd it go last night? Peter? Come on. Talk to me.
It couldn't have been that bad could it?
Care to smell my finger?
*sniff* So ass rape smells like copper tubing and the tears of an eight year old huh? Who knew?

 

Good news Pete! I spoke with the writers and they agreed to change your catch phrase!
What is it?
"This is my bowl of happiness. Don't fuck with my bowl of happiness!"
I don't know J.J. Let me try it out and see how it feels.
They need you on set in five Mr. Godwell.
This is my bowl of happiness! Don't fuck with my bowl of happiness!

 

go rape a kite!
by four_legged_tripod, 8-29-11

 

Hey pa? Is it true that babies come outta the same place boys stick their thingies?
Yup.
Oh.
So that's the reason ma ain't got no teeth!

 

You say a radioactive spider bit your nipple and now your breasts have "Spidey-Sense"?
Yeah. Every time there is about to be trouble my boobs tingle and give off weird wavey lines like in the Spider-Man comics. Look! It's happening right now!
I guess I should reconsider the whole rape thing then.

 

I've never cheated on my husband before. How do we do this?
First off, we never use our real names. Call me "Joe Blow".
Code names? Why?
Trust me. When the time comes, you'll know.
Honey? What's going on in there?
Uh... just doing some "Blow".

 

What the hell is Hello Kitty doing all over the windows?
Well after you contracted anal wormhole-itis after having sex with that male Antican, I thought some stickers would cheer you up.
Are you mad? With all these damn stickers on the windows we can't see where we're heading!
Look out Jim! I think we're heading straight into that planet!
If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times... Never trust a Cling-On!

 

I'm afraid I'm going to have to take you in.
What for?
Someone said that you were soliciting sex from minors.
Who the hell would say that?
Someone at the farmer's market.
For fuck's sake! I said I wanted to get my hands on some baby veg, not baby vag!

 

Would you mind scooting over a bit?
No problem.
*THUD* Ouch! You son of a bitch!
Oh. You meant scoot over the other way.

 

How's yer court ordered anger management group goin' pa?
It's over but it didn't work for me.
It didn't work for anyone or you just didn't participate?
It worked for everyone else. And I did participate.
Then why didn't it work?
I've been wearin' my shrink resistant skivvies.

 

I can't wait until I get to Paris. I'm so excited.
That's cool. Have you ever been abroad?
Nope.
Always been a dude.

 

Step on a crack, break your mother's back.
But you're stepping on all of the cracks.
Mom's a bitch.

 

Where are you going with that gun?
To find Kate Gosselin and put a bullet in her head.
I know she's annoying and her show sucks but that's no reason to kill her.
I know, but after she's dead I can make a comic about her and enter it in the current comic competition.
Uh... the rules clearly state that the comic has to be about a celebrity.

 

January 5, 1998
I didn't mean I needed to get laid when I said I really wanted a penis.
by four_legged_tripod, 10-07-11

 

Principal Moss, you've got to change my name above my classroom door. It's misspelled.
I'm tired of the students asking me to suck cum out of their asses.
I'll get right on that Ms. Fletcher.

 

As news of Gaddafi's death spreads around the world, this reporter would like to remind the viewing audience that Gaddafi had family.
That's why I'm here with a member of Gaddafi's family. Sir, how do you feel about Gaddafi's death?
Gaddawful.

 

Your speech impediment is causing you problems. When you say "peace" it comes out as "peach".
I'm just trying to act cool to pick up a hottie.
Keep your two fingers up like you do when you say "peace" but this time say "deuces" instead. Guys dig that.
I'll try it out.
DOUCHES!

 

I'll grant you that it is socially appropriate to ask a pregnant woman permission to touch her belly,
and if she agrees then it is okay to touch her belly,
but the same principle does NOT apply to the next door neighbor with breast cancer!

 

Well Mr. Smokey, our cigarette sales are down. We need a gimmick to boost sales.
I always leave cigarette stains where ever I go. Maybe we should create a cigarette stain eraser and sell one with every pack.
Brilliant! We'll go international with it! I'm putting you in charge of marketing over seas.
London, England
Free rubber for your fag! Get a free rubber to clean up the mess your fag leaves!

 

Help me!
Who said that?
It is I, the Spirit of these Spirits! You must help me get out.
But I don't exactly know which bottle you're trapped in.
So he then bought and drank every bottle on the shelf?
Yep. And my mother said that those ventriloquism lessons would never pay off.

 

Quit licking me, little girl.
But you're my best friend Mr. Blood Stain.
Look, if you don't quit, something terrible might happen.
Like what?
Sickle cell.

Showing page 10.

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