All comics by gabe_billings

 

by gabe_billings
12-28-01
How many of these test are there going to be?
I dunno. Maybe Brad needs some encouragement.
How bout if we chop a finger off every time he screws up?
That'd work.
Got the hacksaw?
Always.

 

by gabe_billings
12-28-01
I think he fixed it.
Shit, Does this mean we don't get to beat him up?
Yeah, unless you can think of something else he needs a beating for.
Hmmm.... how bout for being Canadian?
That'll work.
I'll get the ax handle.

 

by gabe_billings
12-29-01
Wow. You're even uglier in cartoons than in real life.
You talk pretty tough for a pantywaist who's standing around in his underwear.
Just 'cause a man don't wear pants doesn't mean he can't start some shit.
Right. You're gonna start some shit. Aren't you a librarian?
Digital services librarian, you cock eating felchmonkey. I know 34 different ways to kill a man with a book.
You're cute when you're mad.

 

by gabe_billings
1-01-02
So this is 2002?
Yup.
Can't say as though I care for it much.
Nope.
Reckon it might be a little better if we burned something.
Yup.

 

by gabe_billings
1-02-02
What?
Oh, nothing.
I peed in your oatmeal.
You bastard.

 

by gabe_billings
1-02-02
Public intoxication, no pants and you just parked you car on a fire hydrant. I'm afraid you're gonna have to come down town.
You forgot ugly, lazy and disrespectful.
What?
Shut up bitch. Go fix me a turkey pot pie.
Are you on dope, son?
No, dad, what about you?

 

by gabe_billings
1-02-02
...fresh goes better with Mentos, fresh and full of life!
I'll go get us a... Hey, did you know you've got blood all over your shoes?
Why do I have the words 'Kill Boorite' tattooed on my chest?
Nothing gets to you, staying fresh staying cool...
Say, you don't happen to have an ice pick on you, do you?
Why yes I do. Why do you ask?
Doo doo doo doo, doo-doo, do-Wah!
I told you three times, no one get in unless they're on the list.
But, but...

 

by gabe_billings
1-02-02
I'll have a double frosted mocha whipshit, please.
Here you are.
Jesus H Christ! This is the most disgusting thing I've ever tasted. What in the hell is this?
It's whipped shit. What were you expecting?
I thought that was just a clever name.
Do I look clever to you?

 

by gabe_billings
1-02-02
Happy Comic Number 50,000!
This isn't comic 50,000 you felchbot. We're still about 150 away.
Yeah, I know. I just said that to freak out all the geeks that are sitting by their PCs waiting for the magic when they can claim the big 50K.
Aren't you the loser that waited around to bag both 10,000 AND 40,000?
That was different. When I did it was art.
You're a moron.

 

by gabe_billings
1-02-02
Did you get the memo from Brad?
No, what's it say?
Apparently he's got a little script that will automatically insert a premade comic into the #50,000 slot.
That magnificent bastard. So no matter how hard everyone tries, nobody'll get it. He really did that?
Maybe. Or maybe I'm just lying to try and get people to give up and go to bed so I can bag it.
You are a twisted fellow. I guess they'll just have to wait and see, won't they?

 

by gabe_billings
1-04-02
Where the fuck have you been? We were supposed to finish this weeks ago. And I find you naked in the quad singing 'Strawberry Fields'.
It's not my fault. I tripped and accidentally downed an entire bottle of Jim Beam I bought for my grandma's birthday.
Whatever the case, we've got to whip something up for this stupid contest. The Stripcreator is broken, so we'll fake it and take pictures.
Ha! Just like the moon landing. I've got the costumes in my car. Gimme a minute.
RAA.... I mean, uh, you spelled 'fellatio' wrong, you git.
Don't get me wrong, but you're kind of hot in that costume. Maybe there's something to all this cornholing.

 

by gabe_billings
1-14-02
Did you finish packing up the care package we're sending to wirthling?
All done.
Umm... what happened to all the presents we bought him?
I figured he wouldn't like any of that sissy stuff like DVDs or the new Palm Pilot. So I replaced them with something better?
You filled up the box with dog shit.
And a mint.

 

by gabe_billings
2-14-02
As you know, Sharon, it's Secretary Appreciation Day tomorrow. Well, I'd certainly appreciate it if you came to work in a thong and spent your day hobbing my knob.
You filthy mongrel. I'll do nothing of the sort!
I suppose you'd rather not have a job that pays you $35 an hour to wear short skirts, paint your nails and answer the phone once in a while.
Hmm....
Well?
Would you prefer a black or red thong?

 

by gabe_billings
2-14-02
Happy wirthling sucks day! What should we do to Captain Fuckpants this year?
Why, did you recently buy scuba gear?
What do you mean?
Last I checked, he was at the bottom of the Potomac with eighty pounds of concrete stuck to his feet.
Is that what we did? I told you not to let me get so snotted!
You beat me over the head with a shovel when I tried to take your bottle away.

 

by gabe_billings
2-14-02
Well boys, what should be sing tonight?
How bout some speed death metal? Or super secret rave metal? Or maybe some pineapple upside down metal?
I don't think this crowd could handle that. We should probably stick with the Partridge Family cover songs.
I think the tambourine is broken. Number four sat on it.
I'm starving. Let's go get some Chinese food.
Any one seen bunner? My mike is on fire again.

 

by gabe_billings
2-24-02
How's the house working out for you, Gabe?
Wirthling baby! You got one hell of a pad here. Except for the little thing with the bathroom.
What little thing with the bathroom?
It looks like your monkey got loose and smeared shit all over the walls.
We don't have a monkey.
Oh. Maybe that was me then.

 

by gabe_billings
2-28-02
This tax stuff sucks ass. Are we almost finished?
Almost. Just one more little thing to take care of.
What's that, you IRS superfreak? Going to take out my blood and replace it with acid?
He, he. Not quite. Say, is that a ten dollar bill on the ground behind you?
Where?
RAAAAR!

 

by gabe_billings
3-07-02
Is that the list of unused comic ideas?
Yeah, it's getting pretty slim. The only things we haven't made fun of are Carol Channing, the Hubble telescope and yarn.
That's pretty slim pickings. I'm not sure I can work with that. What's it say about wirthling?
You've pretty much beaten that one into the ground.
You know, he su...
Shut it.

 

by gabe_billings
3-07-02
I don't remember exactly why the computer industry refers to 65536 as 64k or to 1024 KB as 1 MB rather than 1.024 MB.
By the way, while 1 megabyte does not equal 1,000,000 bytes, 1 megabit does equal 1,000,000 bits.
Wow... I thought he was gonna go on forever. How many times did you hit him with that hammer?
2 kilowhacks. Now I can't remember if that 2000 smacks or 2048.

 

by gabe_billings
3-22-02
How'd you sleep?
Pretty well, wirth baby. Had a little problem in the bathroom, though.
Good lord, what now?
I stopped up your toilet.
Wow, for a minute there I thought it was going to be something stup...
I couldn't get the cat all the way in.

 

by gabe_billings
3-28-02
Welcome to Logan International Airport. Please step into the Rape-i-Scan.
You want me to do what?
Trust me, this won't hurt a bit. I just need to examine your colon for guns, baseball bats, that sort of thing.
This doesn't sound right.
Oh, I forgot. You'll need to wear this nice red ballgag and these handcuffs.
I think I'll take the bus.

 

by gabe_billings
4-15-02
I've sent a legion of gamma irradiated mutant attack wolverines to the greater Odenton area to dispatch you.
They're guided by GPS and have night vision goggles. Plus a pair of your socks to track you by.
Unless you wire us ten million dollars by tomorrow noon they'll be given the strike order and you'll be pate by tea time.
They're ruthless, effecient, and powered by Gatorade and SlimJims.
Do we have enough space left to squeeze in that video clip of them savaging a Walmart?
I doubt it.

 

by gabe_billings
4-15-02
Y'all is gonna love this baby. Built back in 1902 when them bitches knew what they was doin'. Solid as a fuckin' rock!
It smells a little funky. And how come that wall in the kitchen is missing?
Shit nigga! Dat's just da new open floorplan thang we gots goin' on. And don't you worry none 'bout them junkies in the front room. We gonna clear them out.
I suppose there's a good reason for the giant pit in the family room?
Headstart on yo new inground pool, bitch. Now I tell you what. You drop me $650,000 fo' dis pad and I throw in honey or two fo da weekend.
Ummm.... ok. But I want your hat, too.

 

by gabe_billings
4-16-02
Dave, I need to talk to you about the 'Surrounded with Love' initiative.
All over it, chief. I already got things set up back in the ol' cubicle.
That's what I needed to talk to you about. I think you misunderstood the point of the whole thing.
What do you mean?
'Surrounded with Love' doesn't mean 'Staple the beaver shots from Swank magazine all around your desk.'
I see. Then I guess the strippers I have coming in tomorrow are out?

 

by gabe_billings
4-18-02
This new torture idea isn't working out. He's been at it for days now and he still ain't talkin'. I don't know what's wrong.
Let's go take a look.
He's just lying there. No screaming or nothing.
I think I see what your problem is. It's only bamboo that'll grow fast and shoot through someone's body. Normal grass won't quite cut it.
Are you sure? How about dandelions?
How 'bout we just start peeling his skin off?

 

by gabe_billings
5-06-02
Obi, my man! Where the fuck have you been?
I was in jail. I got arrested for molesting an elephant.
HA HA! Good one.
Yeah. Ha ha.
...so then he says, 'Hey, why don't I buy you a drink?'

 

by gabe_billings
5-24-02
Say Gabe... think you could help me? I'm trying to find out who stole my friend Jason's truck.
Hmmm.... maybe someone swiped it to use in bringing Mexican whores into the country illegally.
And then got in a turf war with another pimp name Raoul who blew up the pickup as a scare tactic.
Not that I'd know anything about it.

 

by gabe_billings
5-28-02
So this snail walks into a car dealership and says, "I want one of these. But I need you to do something special for me. I want you to paint a big 'S', right on the hood."
And when you're done, paint an 'S' on the roof, and a couple more on the doors. The salesman did what he asked and the snail laid down his money and zoomed off in his new car.
"Wow," the salesman exclaimed to a coworker. "Will you look at that fucking snail? How does he drive without any fucking hands?"

 

by gabe_billings
5-28-02
Meh!
No, it's Moh.
Muh.
Moh.
Mah.
Fuck it.

 

by gabe_billings
7-13-02
Moh.

 

by gabe_billings
7-15-02
I can't hear you. I have feet for ears.
I said I'm looking for contributions to the 'Stamp Out Wirthling Fund'.
No.
But you can send your contribution in six easy payments of $49.95!
My schedule is pretty full. I was planning on watching 'Heidi' while I jerk off.
But wouldn't you rather help make the world a better place by getting rid of a menace to society? It's your civic duty!

 

by gabe_billings
7-15-02
C'mon. Just for a little while.
I said no.
You're such a spoilsport.
I can live with that.
I helped you wash your car last week.
I don't care. I'm still not going to play 'Naked Lightsaber Duel' with you.

 

by gabe_billings
7-15-02
Are you sure you're ok to drive? Liz could drive you home.
Of course I am! I'm still standing, right? Say, you remember what kind of car I was driving?
So the fucker just jumped in front of my Miata. It was either hit him or spill my beer. He's ok, right officer?
Oh, I'm sure he'll be just fine as soon as we can get that tire off his chest. You know, that beer really should have been in a plastic cup.
Wow. Tough break. So what are you gonna do?
I figured I'd go do a little haunting, maybe possess his cat, kill his family. I dunno. Something like that.

 

by gabe_billings
7-15-02
Are you sure this is gonna work?
Yup.
She's never gonna go for it.
Just wait until I get my groove on.
It's for a school project?
Yeah, my photo class is doing nude portraiture. If you and your sister were covered in oil and wrestling, I'd probably get extra credit.

 

by gabe_billings
7-17-02
Platoon
What's your name, fatbody?
Ethel.
Silence of the Lambs
It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.
Shouldn't I be in a hole, or something?
The Mexican
Look donkey. My El Camino broke down. I need a ride into town.
You probably should have taken the 300M.

 

by gabe_billings
7-19-02
One day down in engineering...
So I says, "Well, them rotor turbines ain't gonna generate gravitons by themselves!"
Ha, ha!
Then what? You fixed 'em with a paper clip or something, right Scotty?

 

by gabe_billings
7-24-02
The explosion seems to have set off an avalanche which buried your cat. What are you going to do?
Sue!
Or you could bust a cap in somebody's ass.

 

by gabe_billings
7-26-02
Ok Billings. You're the idea man. We need a way to get Dexx here for the meet in January.
Lemme think...
So what ya' got?
Kaufman builds a giant solar cannon and vaporizes the Earth's oceans, then Dexx drives over in a coach pulled by a team of wombats.
You've been hitting the Windex again, haven't you?
But it's blue!

 

by gabe_billings
7-30-02
Dear wirthling, You suck ass. If the word 'fuckstick' was in the dictionary, there'd be a picture of you next to it. I hope you fall down a manhole, you fuck.
Hold on chief, I don't think you want to send that email.
Balls! Fuzzyman- email supervisor! I swear, I meant to send him the joke of the day! I don't really hate wirthling!
Oh, no. That's not the problem. It's just that we can't send anthrax in an email attachment, can we? So let's just go find an envelope.

 

by gabe_billings
8-20-02
...so that's when you come in and hit him on the head with the fish.
Wait, I hit him with the fish before or after the oatmeal?
No, the oatmeal doesn't happen until after the snakes. Weren't you taking notes?
This is complicated. How about if we just prank call him?
Hello, wirthling? Is your refrigerator running?

 

by gabe_billings
9-04-02
$DBName = "madam_wongs"; $Tablename = "hookers";
$Query ?
SELECT FROM $Tablename WHERE ('natl' = 'asian') AND ('brasize' > '34C') ORDER BY 'weight'
$Result = NO RECORDS FOUND
INSERT INTO 'bra' (socks x 2)!

 

by gabe_billings
9-06-02
Wirthling old buddy. I got you a card.
Gee, thanks. Let's take a look.
Dear Count Suckula, You suck, you suck, you suck. Suckfully yours, Gabe. PS - You suck.
I cut all those severed heads out of a magazine, and I stole the glitter from the kid next door.
I'm touched.

 

by gabe_billings
9-08-02
You and me together in the comic cup, eh? We're gonna rip some shit up.
Fuck that. I lost my beer.
The one in your hand?
Shit. Would you look at that. I knew I kept you around for something. What were you saying?
The comic cup. We're a team.
The what? What day is it anyway? I've got a fucking hangover the size of Texas. Have you seen my beer?

 

by gabe_billings
9-08-02
It begins.
Congratulations, Dr. and Mrs. Billings. You've got a healthy new baby boy.
That's fantastic! Let's have a look at him.
Here he is.
He's beautiful. Say, why is that crib sagging in the middle?
Well, your son is what we in the medical field like to call 'husky'.
I see.

 

by gabe_billings
9-08-02
What we need is a cute name to call little Gabe. Something darling.
Hmmm.... how about Gabby?
Too pedestrian. Something with more zing. How about L'il Angel?
Enough with the religion stuff. Gabie-Poo?
I shit you not. They called me this.
I've got it! RFP! Royal Fat Person!
I love it!

 

by gabe_billings
9-08-02
Hey hon. I'm home from work. Anything interesting happen today?
Nothing. Ran some errands. Did a little shoping.
Oh. So what's for dinner?
Oh, there was that little thing where Gabe got out of his car seat, opened the door and fell out of the car in front of a truck.
The truck thing is real. I made up the rest.
Good lord! Is everything ok?
Yes thank god. Who knows what might have happened to the truck if it'd hit the RFP.

 

by gabe_billings
9-08-02
You won't believe it Ken! Gabe's first grade teacher put him in an accelerated class and says he reads at a level several grades above his.
Wohoo! Our kid's a genius!
I hear you're doing great in school son. Say, what's with the electrical outlet?
Oh, I was reading that book on safety for kids that you bought me and it said never to jam paperclips into outlets.
So what happened?
I tried it. Duh.

 

by gabe_billings
9-08-02
I need to make a diorama for school dad. Maybe you can help. I'll need some popsicle sticks and cotton and stuff.
Sure son. We could work on it this weekend.
One day later...
It's Saturday dad! Let's get started!
Well son, I got up at three this morning and started puttering with your diorama. I did a little work on it...
Gee dad. It looks like you pretty much finished it. I guess the Alamo does look better carved out of limestone than it would made out of Legos.
And I used some parts from an old clock, so all the men move, and the canons really fire! I even wove those rugs on a tiny loom.

 

by gabe_billings
9-08-02
Wow. Seventh grade isn't so bad. Maybe I'll try out for band. I always wanted to play the drums.
Sorry son. All the ultra cool drumming spots are taken. Why don't you take up the trumpet with the rest of the dorks?
Shit.

 

by gabe_billings
9-08-02
Man dude. You're huge! You play football, right! What are you, an offensive lineman?
Uh...
You stomp those little pussy quarterbacks to goo, don't you? You're built like a tank!
Uh...
So how many sacks...
I'm on the swim team.

Showing page 10.

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