All comics by mmyers

Profile

 

by mmyers
11-10-03
Hey Filing Clerk, we're trying to get everybody to donate some money so that we'll be able to have a turkey at our Thanksgiving luncheon. How much do you want to donate?
Can't you take it out of one of the 10 other funds I have to donate to every month?
Sorry, those funds are for birthdays and flowers and picnics and cakes.
How about this, how about you just get all the money that I need to donate taken out of my check automatically so I don't have to think about it?
We already deduct money from your check without your knowledge, silly. What do you think the Optional Spending and Life deduction is?
How about this, how about I leave my wallet on my desk and you just pull additional money as you need it?

 

by mmyers
11-10-03
Hey, there's a Christmas tree in your cube and it's the middle of November.
Yup.
Why'd you put it up now?
I wanted to go ahead and celebrate Christmas before you guys made me hate it again.

 

by mmyers
11-11-03
Mr. Butch, we find your comments to our students very inappropriate, specifically to that young female student.
What do you mean?
Your comment about how the girl in your class looks.
Come on, I've heard similar comments made by female teachers. If I were a woman, this wouldn't be a big deal.
Mr Butch, there is a drastic difference between someone saying "He's going to be a handsome man one day" and "That girl is going to have some nice jugs when she grows up."
Fine, next time I'll say "knockers."

 

by mmyers
11-11-03
Come on, shake your body, baby, do the Conga!
I know you can't control yourself any longer!
Feel the rhythm of the music getting stronger!
Don't you fight it till you've tried it, do the Conga beat!
A lot of people like to sing in the bathroom mirror, only most people usually do it in their own bathroom.
I've been fighting singing that song all day...but I couldn't fight it any longer.

 

by mmyers
11-11-03
Taken from actual conversations.
It is important to keep in mind when remembering something to have a clear path of what you will be saying verbally.
What?
When speaking to an audience, never talk down to them or vice versa or let them talk down to you. Prior to before that, planning is something you must plan ahead for.
I guess that makes sense.
And when you pay attention to and follow these simple rules, you know who you'll make happiest? Yours truly.
I need a drink.

 

by mmyers
11-12-03
Petsmart
Excuse me, I'm looking for a leash for my dog.
Hey, that's swell. How big is the little fella?
Petsmart
He's about your size. Say, could you try this leash on, you know, to make sure it fits?And while you're at it, how about putting this muzzle on?
Sure, I guess so.
Petsmart
Aww, what a cute puppy. What's his name?
His name tag says "Kevin."

 

by mmyers
11-12-03
Week One
Hey honey, the baby is sleeping. How about we *ahem* "do a load of laundry?"
I'm really tired right now, so I'll have to pass on *ahem* "doing a load of laundry."
Week Two
Say honey, I'm feeling really dirty and could use *ahem* a fresh load of laundry, if you know what I mean.
I've got a terrible headache and am just not up for "a load of laundry." Sorry honey.
Week Three
Hey honey, I just put the baby down to sleep. I'm really in the mood to do some laundry now.
No thanks. I just did a load by hand so I'm feeling hungry. What's for dinner?

 

by mmyers
11-12-03
What can I get you, sir?
I'd like a leg of lamb, a pork chop, a 16 oz steak, and a BBQ Bacon Cheeseburger with chili-cheese fries.
Wow, you must be on the Atkin's diet, huh?
Yes.
What's an Atkins?

 

by mmyers
11-13-03
I'm Hugh Grant. I'm normally kind of stuffy but this time I'm a punk rock slacker. Plot Twist!
I'm a little boy who needs a father figure and by the way, you're my actual father! Plot Twist!
You think I'm poor but I'm actually rich! Plot Twist!
I double cross you and take your money! Plot Twist! And I'm not really your son! Three Plot Twists in one panel!
You become a decent guy, forgive me, then double cross me and take all the money back and all my money too. Triple Cross-Plot Twist!!
You reveal you might actually be my son, I get nominated for an Oscar because I reveal I'm Nicholas Cage. Backflip-Plot Twisting summersault!

 

by mmyers
11-13-03
Pink Donkey, I am here to grant you your wish of spraying whiskey from your teets. From this day forth, so shall it be.
*Gulp* *Gulp*
Sweet.

 

by mmyers
11-13-03
I wish my teets sprayed whiskey.
Damn, I'd be...
Cut! There's no easy way to say this but, Pink Donkey, you're fired. Bring in his replacement.
So I'm supposed to be spraying whiskey from my nipples or something here? I think we should cut the Donkey bit and the teets, and I should be a Cuban drug lord with gold teeth.
Hey, you're Johnny Depp, it's your show.

 

by mmyers
11-13-03
I wish my teets sprayed whiskey.
Damn I'd be paid...and be an opium smoking detective.

 

by mmyers
11-13-03
Hello, could I speak to mmyers, please? This is Tynesia with AT and T.
This is mmyers and this sounds remarkably like a phone solicitation. If that is the case, I'd like to be removed from your list.
Well it's not, OK? This is in regards to helping you save up to 25% off your phone bill. I'm with a phone company that's very concerned for your financial well being.
By switching phone services, right? That's called phone solicitation. I'd like to end this conversation now and be removed from your call list...
No, it's not like that! I want to help you save money. There's nothing in it for me. I...I love you.
This is awkward.

 

by mmyers
11-13-03
Filing Clerk, I found a fax you had sent to our attorneys on the fax machine. I figured you didn't need it so I shreaded it.
And did you think that was a good idea? Shreading it? If there is a God, I pray one day he gives me the strength to headbutt you.
Oh, why not. I'll turn my back.
*thunk*
That felt delicious.
Hey, here comes Travis. Quick, do him.

 

by mmyers
11-14-03
Wow, this sure is a nice house!!!
I just got it!!!
What the hell did you do to get it???
Well.....
Don't tell anyone but the whole place is made out of cheese. Hey, you should have a seat in the La-Z-Brie I just made. Oh, and don't turn on that lamp.

 

by mmyers
11-14-03
Wow, this sure is a nice house!!!
I just got it!!!
What the hell did you do to get it???
Well.....
I don't have anymore time to talk. Idle hands are the devil's workshop and this conversation probably has me in purgatory already!!!

 

by mmyers
11-14-03
Filing Clerk, I have some data entry I need you to do. I figured if we worked together and split the stack, we could get it done much faster.
Cool.
By splitting it, I meant you finish your stack then I give you mine so you can do mine too.
I'm aware of that.

 

by mmyers
11-15-03
Mega-low-maniacal Mart
Boy, Christmas sales and decorations get here earlier and earlier every year.
This is actually our 2004 Christmas decorations. See? All the ornaments say 2004 on them. We were told to get them out early this year.
*whisper* If they're holding you hostage and you want to escape, blink twice.
*blink blink*

 

by mmyers
11-15-03
Hey, what's wrong?
Oww, oww, oww. I just got biten by a mosquito and a bee in the exact same spot. Oww.
Hey, what'cha doin?
Oh I just stung this guy right in the arm where you're standing.
Hey, me too!
Oh shit. I probably should have used a condom on my stinger. No telling where that mosquito has been.

 

by mmyers
11-15-03
Grandma, what was it like to live during the Depression?
Oh, it was sad and poor. We didn't have much. All we really did have was the deep dickin'.
Excuse me?
Yep, we were so poor, your grandpa and I, all we'd do is sit around and bone. Slobbin' the knob as we used to say. We couldn't afford much clothes...
Please stop.
So we'd just walk around naked, goin' at it. Why I'm sure we'd be up to our armpits in young-uns if not for that shrapnel that shaved off his nut in WW2. Still, he was spry as a jack rabbit.

 

by mmyers
11-17-03
Jean-Paul Satre said "Hell is other people."
I find this principle to be the most true at the mall, particularly Barnes and Noble.
That's where I read the Satre book.

 

by mmyers
11-17-03
*ring ring*
Paul, this is your agent Darlene. I have an audition for the perfect part for you.
Um, my name is Matt.
*shuffle shuffle shuffle*
Matt, this is your agent Darlene. I have an audition for the perfect part for you.

 

by mmyers
11-17-03
So what's the part that's perfect for me?
Two words, Mike, "herbal viagra."
This is perfect for me how?

 

by mmyers
11-17-03
Hear me out on this one, Fred. You'll be auditioning to be the host of an infomercial on an herbal sex supplement...
I'm Matt...
You'll say you've been doing years of research on an exciting new product that's been helping men and women sexually everywhere and is sweeping the country.
But I haven't been doing research on people.
No, but you'll say that you're a certified scientist and psychologist and you'll introduce other doctor's who'll back up your outlandish claims.
Isn't that some sort of fraud?

 

by mmyers
11-17-03
You can't be held liable for claims that we make you make. You'll just be a figure head, like Dave Thomas is with Wendy's.
Dave Thomas is dead.
*shuffle shuffle*
Well that explains why he hasn't been returning my phonecalls. So will you do it?
Oh, why not.

 

by mmyers
11-17-03
Hi, I'm Drevin Evermore for the paid infomercial 'Sincerely Yours' and Aldare sex supplement for men. Aldare gets the results you want.
Allright Matt, we need you to kick it up a notch, you know, really sell it to the folks.
Aldare gets the results you want! Aldare can increase your penis size by up to 25%...excuse me is this serious?
Of course it's serious. Aldare can extend a flacid penis by up to 25%.
But if it's flacid, then even a semi-erection would extend the penis 25%.
That's called the miracle of creative wording.

 

by mmyers
11-17-03
Aldare is the supplement that's been satisfying men and women across the country, and it's herbal too.
Matt, we're just not feeling it. You're operating at a 5 and we need you up to 10.
Aldare will change your life!!! It's the finest product that isn't FDA approved!!! Your life will change when you take it!!!
Matt, you're a decaf right now and we need you to be a double latte. Pick up the pace.
HOLY FUCKING SHIT, THIS WILL MAKE YOUR LIMP DICK HARD! GET THIS PRODUCT, YOU HALF MAN, AND PLEASE YOUR WOMAN FOR ONCE!
That was pretty good.

 

by mmyers
11-17-03
Thursday.
Hey dude, how'd your audition go?
Aw man, I don't care. What ever happens happens.
Friday.
Boy, you figure that they would have called by now, if nothing else to tell me that they don't want me.
Monday.
Honey, you need to get up and go to work.
I am going to be alone and poor forever. I'm unloveable and hideous to look at. They're never going to call.

 

by mmyers
11-17-03
In college, I was doing my own counciling, pretty much going through the booklet and marking off classes as I took them.
One of my teachers said, "You should go see a counciler because they can tell you different classes that you can take and still get the credits you need."
I went to the counciler and he said, "Hey, you're about to graduate." By my figures, I still had another 18 hours or more.
"No, no," he said, "if you take 10 hours this term, you'll be OK to graduate." I took his word for it and took 10 hours of easy electives.
When I applied to graduate, the person told me that I was still 20 credit hours short. I asked my original counciler what happened he said 'Well I can't do it all for you, mmyers!'
I wasted $600 of my own money on books and classes, a semester on doing nothing, and the whole thing didn't fucking count towards graduating.

 

by mmyers
11-17-03
God, are you there?
Go away kid, I'm resting. I've had a rough day.
But I have a very important question that I need to ask you.
Alright, what is it?
Boxers or briefs?
*sigh* Long answer, the universe is my boxers and judgement is my briefs, with those who cross me condemned to my sock drawer. Short answer, boxers.

 

by mmyers
11-18-03
Welcome to the new Reality show, Cherry Poppin' Joe, where these guys compete to deflower this young woman and have her virginity like a trophy.
I just really would like to get to know her better, you know, biblically speaking.
I love her so much, I can't wait to meet her. I hope she loves me as much as I love her. I hope she doesn't disappoint mother.
I'm a chicken!
I can tell from the way you talk that you have a great personality... and that you have great knockers.
The desperation in this room palpable.

 

by mmyers
11-18-03
*flip* *RIP* *flip* *RIP* *flip* *RIP*
*sigh*
*flip* *RIP* *flip* *RIP* *flip* *RIP*
*sigh*
*flip* *RIP* *flip* *RIP* *flip* *RIP*
I swear someone must tighten the toilet paper dispenser so it only gives one sheet at a time.

 

by mmyers
11-18-03
The label on them says "Remove promptly."
It means from the washing machine.
I didn't want them to get wrinkled.
They stiffle me. _____________ Um, sure.
Creatively, you mean?

 

by mmyers
11-18-03
Wizard Confidence Pts: 25....Valkyrie Confidence Pts: 150
I was wondering, mylady, if you would do me the honor of sipping some ale with me?
Is that a plunger you're holding?
Wizard Confidence Pts: -10....Valkyrie Confidence Pts: 150
Um, yes... you see, my mom made it for me and...
Let me save you some time, pal, I'm a man in woman's clothes.
Wizard Confidence Pts: -10....Valkyrie Confidence Pts: 2000
But I'm kind of into the plunger.

 

by mmyers
11-19-03
Hey umfum, what are you doing here?
I always come here.
Really? I didn't realize that you were in the military.
Well, it is the grave for the Un-gnome Soldier.
Can't...block... out...Kaufman...
Yes, dance for me, little monkey; pun for me, my precious.

 

by mmyers
11-19-03
Wow Chicka, it's so cool that you're pregnant. It's the miracle of life, you know?
Sure.
Can I touch your belly, you know, to feel the baby kicking around in there?
I'm not even showing and the baby hasn't even formed its legs yet.
Can I touch your boob then?
God, please don't let the baby be a boy.

 

by mmyers
11-19-03
Charles, I can't go on like this. It's destroying our marriage. You've got a problem. We need to talk.
No time to talk? 1000 free minutes of cellphone time. Increase your penis size by 43%!!!!
That's your answer to everything, Charles, sex. Well sex won't cure this and neither will your large penis.
Work from home and earn up to $50,000 a year!!! dhirof34 wjfdso8j8 od876cbx
Oh, you'd like it if I quit my job, wouldn't you Charles! Well I'm quitting you, Charles. I'd rather be alone. I hope you and your spam are happy together.
Single? Lonely? Meet hot singles now. Ready for action! Hot Hot Hot girlz!!! gjd436 dhsg!!!

 

by mmyers
11-19-03
Big Evil Dan, I am here to end your existance and claim your soul.
I'm too young... waitaminute, you don't scare me. Seasons don't fear the reaper, nor do the wind or the sun or the rain, I can be like they are...
Please stop.
Come on baby, don't fear the reaper, take my hand, we'll be able to fly, don't fear the reaper...guitar solo! Nerr-nerr-nerr...
Great, now I've got that song stuck in my head again.

 

by mmyers
11-20-03
God, are you there?
Go away kid, I'm resting. I've had a rough day.
But I have a very important question I need to ask you.
Alright, what is it?
What do you clean a lint brush with?
Allright God, think. There has got to be an answer to this.

 

by mmyers
11-20-03
Hoo-wee! Here at Cowboy Physic's Chevy, we are slashing prices. These Chevy trucks won't sell themselves that's why...
Stop! You disgrace yourself with high prices! Honorable Ninja has soiled himself in amusement! There is only one solution, we must battle on the astral plane.
Astral plane? What the fuck are you talking about?
I am talking about the end of your spiritual essense and high finance charges. Ryu-Ken!
Enter the Ninja, Honorable Ninja Used Cars, that is. And illegal immigrants remember, we hablo Mexican. Honorable Ninja used Cars, fighting on the Astral Plane for your business.

 

by mmyers
11-20-03
I'm a Ford truck man! That's all I drive! I'm a Ford truck man!
Toby Keith, you disgrace yourself with your glad handing and opportunistic flag waving for this over priced vehicle! *knife to the throat*
Honorable Ninja suggests that you spend the remainder of the 7 minutes that Ford purchased to sponsor '24' to contemplate inner peace.
Oop, almost forgot, Honorable Ninja Used Cars located in Car City, one mile north of Jack in the Box. Domo arigato.

 

by mmyers
11-21-03
I got a letter in my paycheck today that said, "Every employee should be clocking in and out for 1 hour, if not you should have prior approvement."
I told them I'd like to get approvement but I'd hate to cause them aggrevatement.
That kind of thing could make people hysterectomy.

 

by mmyers
11-21-03
Any luck, sergeant?
No sir, none yet. We'll keep looking around. I'm going to go on another ride on the carousel and look for clues. Also, I recommend riding the pony.
Good idea. I'm going to look for pornography around the slushi machine and maybe on the trampoline after that.
Good call. We've got a group of officers heading to the roller coaster and then maybe a nap after that. Meet back here at 1600 hours.
Eek. Eek?

 

by mmyers
11-21-03
Dark Elf- Strength Lvl 14.....Valkyrie Physical Appeal Level 17
Hold on a minute...
What?
Level 17 Physical Appeal, Fran? Don't you think you're being a tad unrealistic?
Oh, I'm sorry, Dwight. It's entirely possible for YOU to lift 500-550lbs, though, isn't it? Let's just play the stupid game.
Dark Elf- Strength Lvl 17.....Valkyrie Physical Appeal Level 17
Come, Valkyrie, let's go into town, if it's not too ugly for your unrealistically gorgeous body, that is.
Fine. And don't think I didn't notice that you just boosted your strength up to 17, "Hercules."

 

by mmyers
11-21-03
Hi, I'm Sheriff Herb Friendly. 57% of all auto accidents are caused by drunk driving, 16% are caused by improper driving, and 69% of fatalities are caused from not wearing seatbelts.
Honestly, we've given up on trying to get you guys not to do those things, they're just too much fun. So instead, let's turn elsewhere. 3% of all traffic accidents are caused by balloons.
Please, don't drive with a balloon in the car, and if you must, please tie the balloon to the antenna. Balloons can choke and distract you with their wacky shapes and fun colors.

 

by mmyers
11-21-03
Balloons, while seemingly tame and friendly in their native habitat (supermarkets and clown stores), can turn freakish and agitated when confined.
Balloons have been known to obscure vision and hamper steering wheel manuverability in ...wa...quit looking at me like that! Stay away! AHH!

 

by mmyers
11-21-03
Wow, nice erection. Say, how is it possibly for you to have an erection when you don't have testicles any more?
I guess the same way it's possible for you to have bought that new bike with no money in your bank account.
You stole someone's erection?

 

by mmyers
11-24-03
The walls to our apartment are so thin I can hear everything my neighbor does. It's awkward sometimes.
Fuck me, fuck me, FUCK ME!
I'm sure it's not so easy for her either, though.
Yeah baby, grind that spiked heel into my ball bag! Oh yeah, that hurts! Good pain, GOOD PAIN!
Dumb ass white people.

 

by mmyers
11-24-03
They got to ask questions...
Why did you do cartwheels when you came in?
Um, the director told me to.
So you do whatever they tell you to do? Have you no dignity? Have you no pride? Is not a man measured by what he stands for? By what he opposes?
I think it's obvious that I don't have any dignity and will perform any task for the proper price. Any other questions?
Will you punch yourself in the face for a coupon to Steak and Shake?
Yes...wait...is this a burger meal for $2.99 coupon... and does it include a drink?

 

by mmyers
11-24-03
I'd like to ask that guy where he got his shirt but I don't want him to think I'm stupid.
I'd like to confront my boss but I don't want to be viewed as a dick.
I'd like to tell Dad that my new teeth hurt my mouth but I can't speak yet.
I'd like to tell Tracy that I'm gay but I don't want to hurt her feelings.
I'd like to tell my friends that I want to leave the party but I don't want them to think I'm a pud.
Thanks everyone who reads my comics, when I have something to say and when I don't.

Showing page 10.

« Previous Next »