All comics by mmyers

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by mmyers
2-04-03
Happy Birthday to you...
When I first stumbled on to him doing this, i thought "This is amazing!"
Happy birthday to you...
After awhile, it started to get a little annoying. I thought that if I ignored him, he would stop, but he didn't.
Happy birthday to you...
Now I find myself wondering how hard you have to throw a frisbee before it cuts something's head off.

 

by mmyers
2-04-03
You know what i hate? I hate it when songs just sort of fade out, like 'Oh, this song was too long." I wonder why they put that little plastic strip on bologne.
And I hate that part of "Helter Skelter" where McCartney yells it. It sounds so lame. And I hate when people draw penises inside of library books...
Oh crap, I've gotta go make one of those computer comic strips!
Are we paying you for this?

 

by mmyers
2-04-03
Hey, you're Satan, aren't you?!
Nope.
I'm drinking a soda. Would satan drink a 7-Up?
7-Up? No I guess he wouldn't, would he? 7-Up...waitaminute...7-Up is....
7-Up, the official soft drink of the Apocalypse
The UN-COLA! HAHAHAHA!
Noooooooooo!

 

by mmyers
2-05-03
On my way to work...
So long, honey, have a good day.
I was thinking about your job. Would anyone really miss the filing clerk? All you do is take care of papers, right? So if those papers didn't make it, would anyone notice?
Basically you're just watching ten years of paper collect and gather dust. Dedicating your life to the past and all, it seems tedious to me. What kind of life is that for a human?
I'll be in my office. Please call in for me.

 

by mmyers
2-05-03
Excuse me, sir, but your courderoy pants are kind of making a racket. Could you possibly walk with your legs a little farther apart?
Seriously, it's kind of obnoxious. It's really loud and it's making it difficult for me to think. They wiz when your legs rub. Wiz-wiz-wiz.
Perhaps I should also mention that courderoy is very flamable under frictional circumstances.
YAAAHHHH!

 

by mmyers
2-05-03
Hey Satan, what'cha doin'?
Who me? Oh, well I'm looking around for more sponsors for the impending apocalypse.
I've been in talks with Blockbuster and Virgin Entertainment and the fine people at Big Lots, but I can't seem to find a spokesperson for the job.
Hey man, Jerrod from Subway and Steve from the Dell computers commercials are doing a book signing at the Barnes and Noble on Barrett.
Jackpot!

 

by mmyers
2-05-03
At the bank, trying to cash my check...
Hey, Matt Myers! like that actor guy, Austin Powers! Matt Myers!
Actually, I think his name is Mike Myers, but yes they are similar.
Matt Myers, hah! Like that guy in the horror movies. Yeah man, Halloween. That guy! Do you ever wear a hockey mask? Hah!
Actually, his name was Michael Myers as well, and he didn't wear a hockey mask. That was Jason.
Myers? Like Oscar Meyers hot do...owww, you drove a spike into my head!!!
Yes, now you're like those, what do you call them? Unicorns.

 

by mmyers
2-05-03
Hey Red Robot, i...oh man, what is that horrible smell?
I'm sure I would not know, Valerie.
Red Robot, it looks kind of like you urinated on yourself.
That would be ludicrous.
And from the looks of things, it looks like you might have crapped your pants, as well.
Who keeps putting that there???

 

by mmyers
2-05-03
In the breakroom...
No matter how hard you stare at the Reese's Pieces, the machine still isn't going to drop them. You know that, right?

 

by mmyers
2-06-03
Hey dude...oh snap, your Reese's pieces got hung up in the machine. You should put in more money and knock them out.
Yep.
So you're going to sit there and wait?
Reese's pieces, Milky Ways, Kit Kats, Big Red gum, orange crackers, Rolos, Fritos, Famous Amos cookies, all of these things get hung up in there. This machine gets no more of my $$$.
You know that comicstrip 'Cathy'? She makes lots of lists.
Piss off.

 

by mmyers
2-06-03
"Click."
Great Caeser's ghost, filing clerk, have you been here all night staring at that vending machine?
Yes.
Well, that and my wife kicked me out of the house.

 

by mmyers
2-06-03
Hello, Filing clerk, it is I who is Him who is I. The Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and end and all that lies between, your lord and savior.
Hello.
Your patience has paid off in dividends. I admire your patience and virtue. I've come to take you to the promised land.
Oh...cool. I'll be right there.
Um, OK. I guess I'll wait for you in the car. Hurry up, though because I'm low on gas and the engine's running. It's cold out.
Will do.

 

by mmyers
2-06-03
Waiting for those reese's pieces to finally fall, huh?
Yes, for the last four days, and don't you try and get a bag either because that dangly bag is mine and if it falls, it's mine.
Of course it is. That's the way I designed it. 23 years of research and it's all coming to fruition. Did you know I make 13 cents a bag? So you see, it's in my best interests if you buy multiple bags.
I knew it! I freaking knew it! I knew there had to be some logical reason for all of this, some answer!
23 years ago...
13 cents a bag, 5 bags a week, 7 employees in the office...no, no, NO! It won't be enough..wait, I've got it! A defective dispenser arm..hahahahaHA!
Mad, mad, mad! Dr. Faust has gone MAD!

 

by mmyers
2-07-03
At my company's annual meeting...
Hey, dig it, cats and kittens, Meca-meglomyna Corp, a subsidiary of Johnson and Johnson, failed to make a profit last year, so to make up for that loss, we're going tits up.
What I mean to say is, I'm selling the company to this other company, who are gonna turn around and sell the company piece by piece and turn some profits.
So let me introduce you all to the new boss.
Yarrr. I sold the microphone and turned a nice profit doing it. Yarr!

 

by mmyers
2-07-03
At the office...
And this is where Daddy signs the overinflated paychecks that are sent to the fat cats who run the company. Let's see what else I can show you, honey...
Honey?
Avast, your wee daughter has been downsized and sold off to boys on the internet so that they can make "Sucky sucky" jokes at her expense. Yar!
But it was bring your child to work day.

 

by mmyers
2-10-03
In the hallway...
Man, that new boss is as crazy as a...dammit, I've never been able to do those metaphor thingies.
I think those are similies. The ones that use 'like' or 'as' are...oh snap, here comes the boss. I'm out like a scout.
Avast, Filing clerk, how are you today? That's a mighty keen jacket. Might a matey ask what size it is?
Um, I think it's a 40L. My mom got it for me.
Avast, that jacket has been downsized and it's mine now. It goes well with the hat I downsized from the security guard and the remote control I downsized from the breakroom.
I need to get back to the fileroom now.

 

by mmyers
2-11-03
Breakroom...
Yeah man, i go and hide in the bathroom for minutes at the time. It's the only place I feel safe, like having my own office. Plus, it's like getting paid to take a crap..
Hey that's a good idea. i'll have to stake a claim on one of the stalls for myself.
Don't take stall #2. That one is MY happy place.
Yo-ho! Starting now, the bathrooms have been downsized and are now rented out to the Hallmark next door. I suggest bringing a Gatorade bottle with you to work. Yarr! That's is all.

 

by mmyers
2-11-03
The Home Office...
Mr Corporate Pirate, Can I talk to you for a minute?
Ahoy matey, sure thing come on in. My door is always open, because I downsized it.
Um, I'll just come right out and say it. All of this downsizing and taking stuff and eating people's lunches has really got moral down.
Let me take this hat off and your old jacket and set down the tv remote and Jim's sandwich, this paper weight I stole and this rubberband ball, and be honest with you.
I've decided to downsize myself and take a job at the stripcreator.com website.

 

by mmyers
2-11-03
Mr Corporate pirate's first day...
So what do we do?
You just sit here and look creepy.
This is kind of tedious, don't you think, Yarr?
Someone else will come along and do the work. You're just supposed to wait.
*Yawn* I guess i'm going to go hideout in the bathroom. It's like getting paid to crap. Yarr!
Damn newbies suck.

 

by mmyers
2-12-03
At the bus stop...
1982, Ric Flair won his first World title by defeating Harley Race. He went on to other subsequent title reigns with victories over Ron Garvin, Dusty Rhodes, Sting, Rick Rude, for a record 16 titles.
This is what i think of to prolong sex.

 

by mmyers
2-12-03
Oh yeah! Thank you Athens! I feel like rocking all night long! What do you say, Athens?
I'm tired. Can you wrap it up? I've got to go in early and do some paperwork tomorrow. Plus traffics going to be bad as it is so maybe we can get out of here by 12 if we start leaving now.
What about you, balcony? You're ready to rock allnight LONG?!
No, we were pretty much over the show about a half hour ago.

 

by mmyers
2-13-03
My beautiful, beautiful Staple-bot 2000. You make all of my staple needs so simple. La-la-love you!
*Staple-bot loves you as well, Dr. Toby.*
Your delicious jaws of 300lbs of pressure psi, your rack holding 1,000,000 standard staples with chisel points, the clicky nosie you make when you staple. It's sinful.
*The feeling is reciprocal, Dr. Toby.*
What about Parkbench-bot 2000??? WHY HAVE I BEEN FORESAKEN?!

 

by mmyers
2-13-03
The thing about People is, People suck. They're thoughtless and careless and self centered. They think it's all about themselves. They disregard the feelings and well being of others.
They throw trash out of their windows, leave their shopping carts in the parking lot, they smoke in restraunts, they park in handicapped parking spaces. People just suck.
When you say 'People' suck, to which 'people' are you referring to? 'People' is kind of a blanket term and many 'people' are incompassed in that phrase, so which 'people' suck?
You.

 

by mmyers
2-14-03
Don't worry, citizens, Staple Man is here! Stand back. I shall staple this airplane back together post haste!
Hey Staple Man, quick question. Are you retarded? We're in an airplane that's being ripped to shreads. What the hell are you supposed to staple back together? Dumb ass.
Sit down and shut up, dickhead.
Does anyone have any papers they need stapled or anything like that? Any loose-leaf papers?

 

by mmyers
2-14-03
I like to help people. That's just the kind of guy I am.
Take two weeks ago, for instance. I went to the sperm bank and made a donation.
That was all well and good, but now I'm on their mailing lists. Their always sending me fliers saying "Supplies are dangerously low on filing clerk sperm!'
They send emails too. 'Would you like to produce more sperm?' 'Discount ink jet cartridges for your sperm' It's getting out of hand.
What? Why are you looking at me like that?

 

by mmyers
2-19-03
Wow Lisa, you look great!
Thanks, i had my stomach stapled.
Is that healthy?
My doctor said it was completely fine.
But Lisa, when you're not turned profile, I can't see you.
It's an unfortunate side effect.

 

by mmyers
2-19-03
I am defeated. Danny Corntaster of Spokane, Washington, because you have bested The Ancient Chessboard of the Inca's, unvanquished for 2,000 years, you receive ONE FREE WISH!
Best two out of three!

 

by mmyers
2-19-03
Butch gets a wish...
Well, if I had to make one wish, i guess it'd be eternal life. Yes, eternal life, that's it.
An eternal knife? You've got it.
Um, actually i said i wanted "Eternal life" not an "Eternal knife".
Hey, what are you complaining about? You think I meant to ask for a long hard 'duck'?

 

by mmyers
2-24-03
Why did you create us if it was only to test our subserviantness to you? Are we merely pawns in a game beyond our comprehension?
*Sigh* Did you check in the frequently asked questions section? Because I've answered this question about 6 million times. Look in the FAQs.
Why would a loving diety allow so much hate in the world? Wouldn't someone who loves eliminate hate? And what about people who've never heard of your religion? Are they doomed? It's not their fault.
I think someone's trolling. well, you know what happens to trolls, don't you, trolly? Keep pushing me and find out. And do you know how much bandwidth your questions are wasting?
These are practical questions for a newbie...
Sorry! You've been BANNED from this message board...I mean plane of existence.

 

by mmyers
2-27-03
Have a good lunch, Steve.
What did you just say to me? What did you just say?
Um..I said have a nice lunch.
Fuck you, pal. I'm on break. B-R-E-A-K. That means you can't tell me what to do. Cram it.
Um, OK.

 

by mmyers
2-27-03
*A-choo!*
Bless you.
What did you just say? What were the words that just came out of your mouth? Because it sounded like you said "Bless you."
I did. I said 'bless you'.
I'm on break, that means I don't have to calm down, I don't have to accept your 'blessing', and you can eat mung and die. Next thing you know, you'll be following me on my vacation and giving me work.
I'm definitely going to tell on him.

 

by mmyers
2-27-03
Hey Steve, I'd like to speak with you for a second, please.
Sorry Kelly, I'm on break right now, but you're welcome to speak to my nuts until I get back, if you'd like.
Right...um, let's cut to the chase. Your attitude is horrible. You've only been on break for thirty minutes and you're making everyone miserable.
Come back and talk to me after I get back from break, sperm bank. Until then, I'm going to walk around the grocery store.
27 minutes later...
You're fired.
Whaaatttt??! What for?

 

by mmyers
2-27-03
At the law offices of Burman, Reed, and a Big Talking Owl...
And then, she fired me for no apparent reason. I feel violated.
While that does sound quite traumatic, I don't know if it would merit a lawsuit of $12,000,000 in damages.
But...I was on break.
You were on break when this happened? I think we have ourselves a case.

 

by mmyers
3-07-03
Knight to Queen 7. Knight takes Queen.
Knight to Queen 7. "Hello, Mr. Knight. Why, whatever are you doing all the way over here in my square?" "I'm going to take you, that's what I'm doing, take you in my bulging biceps."
"Oh, my dress ripped and fell off, exposing my heaving bussoms. What shall I do?" "You should fall into my arms. You should be made to feel like a woman, climaxing again and again."
New Virtual Chess, Red Shoe Diaries edition
Well, this is a conundrum. No wait, it isn't. I feel dirty.
"Oh Trevor!" "Oh Nancy, I've waited for this for so long! Oh, oh...OH!!!"

 

by mmyers
3-07-03
*Knock Knock!*
Yeah?
Hi, my name is Paula Newburry. You may not remember me but I lost my virginity to you 7 years ago. I was wanting to know if I could get that back from you, please.
This might take a bit.

 

by mmyers
3-07-03
You know that this is a little bizarre, right?
Yeah. I'm sorry to come bugging you about it after 7 years but I think about it sometimes and I feel...the thought of losing my virginity to you...well, I'd just like to have it back.
Hey, waitaminute, what's so bad about losing your virginity to me?
Do I really need to recount it to you? The backseat of that car? The car up on cinder blocks at your parent's house? Three seconds of painful intercourse before you lost your payload on my overalls?
All right, i think that's enough. Let me check my closet and see if it's in there.
Explain the joy juice on the front of my overalls to my mom was quite an adventure.

 

by mmyers
3-17-03
Even with a couple vodka and tonics to loosen himself up, the chessboard still couldn't think of a way to break the ice.

 

by mmyers
3-17-03
I wish my teets sprayed whiskey.
Damn I'd be paid.

 

by mmyers
3-18-03
Hey, honey, we need to get on the ball with the wedding plans. I have some catalogues I need you to look at, for patterns and dishes and stuff.
No time, babe. I'm playing a video game and I'm at a hard stage and really need to concentrate.
But honey, we've only got three months until the day. I don't want to be the one doing all the work here.
I'll help you in a minute. I'm just really involved in my game right now. And besides, i hate planning stuff. That's your thing.
You're always playing video games. What video game is more important than our marriage?
Sim-Wedding. I've just got them through the ceremony and now I've got to get them on their honeymoon for under $1,000 with no in-law help. Plus I want to play Sim-Grocery Store before I go to bed.

 

by mmyers
3-18-03
Billy, who tracked mud into the living room?
Not me.
*NOT ME*
Holy fuckin' shit! It was the ghost of grandpa!

 

by mmyers
3-20-03
I'm crazy and paranoid.
I'm a deep thinker.
I'm omnipotent.
Best comic ever!
Totally!

 

by mmyers
3-20-03
Jack and Jill went up the hill. The hill was in New England in a creepy little town. Jack was new in town and Jill was down on her luck. He had found an old letter in a book his grandfather had owned.
*New England accent* Hey thea. My name is Jack Mengigo, I'ma tryin' to get to tha top of that theair hill.
*New England accent* You can't get theair from here.
To fetch a pale of water. New England water. The water rippled with each step they took, waves collapsed in on themselves. The old bucket squeeked as it rocked forward and backward in her sweaty palm.
This letta from my grandfatha says we'are almost theair.
Yah, that would seem to be tha case.
Jack fell down and broke his back. the pain was unbearable. Sweat rolled down his head and into his eye sockets as his breathing gradually slowed and stopped. Her image faded as his pupil shrank.
I pushed yowa ass off that theair hill.

 

by mmyers
3-24-03
Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary...In there stepped a stately Raven from the saintly days of yore...
Though thy crest is shorn and shaven, thou art sure not craven, ghastly grim and ancient Raven..
Nevermore.
But the Raven, sitting lonely on that placid bust, spoke only that one word. "Nevermore."
Wretch! Thy good hath lent thee--Respite, respite and nepenthe from thy memories of Lenore! Forget this lost Lenore!
Nevermore.
While the Raven spoke, on column perching, my kitty sat, on bookcase searching, and hopped on the Raven, afterwards, licking it's paws and burping. Quoth the kitty, "Delicious."
*burp*

 

by mmyers
3-25-03
I tell you, man, things sure were better back in the day. Like cowboys. Those guys had simple lives, huh?
I agree completely. When a cowboy wanted to take a nap, they just found some shade, tipped their hat and went to sleep.
Yeah! And now, if I want to take a nap on my break, I have to lock my doors, roll up my windows, and I don't sleep well because I'm afraid.
Sure, afraid to get beat up, or mugged, or anally violated. The list goes on. The cowboy could make every patch of grass his bed and every bush his pillow.
Hey, did one of you guys say something about going to sleep? Dexter, get the KY.
I'm on it.

 

by mmyers
3-28-03
This year's office award for most redundant and repetitive statements goes to...Jeanie Stableton!
Oh my! This is a big surprise! They called my name and said that I won the award, then I came up here and accepted it. When I got on the microphone, I told everyone how it was unexpected, my winning.
I'm going to go to the restroom now. I drink a lot of water on hot days. You lose lots of water on hot days, so I drink more of it. It makes me go to the bathroom a lot, on hot days, that is.

 

by mmyers
3-28-03
Our next award, for best delegation of duties without actually doing anything... Vince Rogers!
Vince couldn't be here with us tonight and is instead coming to us live, via satellite.
I'm sorry, Vince couldn't be here live, via satellite, and has instead asked me, the filing clerk, to accept the award for him via satellite. He did give me a letter to read but he didn't write it.

 

by mmyers
3-31-03
Meanwhile at the remote orbitting space station, Hooters Orbitting Space Station...
Hey Creosote, what'cha workin' on?
I am experimenting with time travel.
Great Lake Titty-Kaka!
Yes, indeed. It should take us 10 seconds into the past. I'll demonstrate.
ZAP!
Hey Creosote, what'cha workin' on?
I am experimenting with time travel.

 

by mmyers
3-31-03
Hours (or perhaps seconds) later, at the remote orbitting space station, Hooters Orbitting Space Station...
Hey Creosote, what'cha workin' on?
I am experimenting with time travel.
Great Lake Tit...waitaminute...something feels weird about this, like de ja vu. I don't like it. I feel like you shouldn't press that button.
Why? All it will do is take us 10 seconds in to the past. See?
ZAP!
Hey Creosote, what'cha workin' on?
I am experimenting with time travel.

 

by mmyers
3-31-03
You stop chasing me! Me cornhole you!
You stop running from me, or me cornhole you when I catch you!
Come here, kitty! Me cornhole you!
I'm going to go to my room and listen to rock music! Cornhole!
Kids say darndest things.

 

by mmyers
4-01-03
What's up with the kids and all the signs? A peace sign on poster board? What's that supposed to do? Ohh, I saw a peace sign, I guess I should be peaceful!
And bumperstickers...and t-shirts, what's up with that? Oh, you have a gay pride sticker? Maybe I should be gay! Oh, you like Nine Inch nails? Maybe I should too!
Your child's an honor student? Woopty-doo! You'd rather be fishing? I care! Who you voted for? Who cares four months later??
Maybe we should all keep our opinions to ourself, including people on the street corner who are rantings.

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