All comics by KajunFirefly

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by KajunFirefly
2-11-04
You've been scratching all day. Go home! I don't want to catch that "human syphilis"
*scratch*
We've got to get you to a clinic.
Shut up!

 

by KajunFirefly
3-24-04
Help! A cougar is eating my leg!
Impossible! Cougars are extinct in these parts.
What's eating my leg, then?
Looks like a bear trap.

 

by KajunFirefly
4-05-04
Are you sure we should be doing this?
Oh for fuck sake, don't tell me you're getting cold feet? You were up for it last night.
I know, I know, but what if we get caught?
We wont if we're carefull, now, hold still.

 

by KajunFirefly
4-19-04
The best idea is not to stare directly at it.

 

by KajunFirefly
4-23-04
Does this beer taste funny to you?

 

by KajunFirefly
4-23-04
This isn't so scary, wait, what's that?
AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!
THE HORROR, THE HORROR!
I probably should have told him it's Celine Dion's house.

 

by KajunFirefly
4-23-04
This is the lamest party I've ever been to.
Yeah, the catering is awful, at least I got lucky with some chick in that little booth over there.
This is the best party I've ever been to!
Yeah, I even got lucky with some chick in the confessional.

 

by KajunFirefly
4-24-04
Dude, I've finished my time machine, it works!
Well, fuck me sideways.
Uh, yeah. So you wanna go do some time travellin'?
Totally, we could go back to our school days and beat up those guys who used to flush your head down the toilet.
Yeah, or we could go back and find out who that mysterious black guy was that drugged and raped me at the Christmas party.
Uh, no, let's not.

 

by KajunFirefly
4-24-04
We'll go to the prehistoric times first, I want to get some good photographs.
Imagine how awesome it would be to have actual photographic evidence of real life dinosaurs!
We could even take samples back, we'd be crowned scientific geniuses!
That beard makes you look like a fag.

 

by KajunFirefly
4-24-04
Prehistoric times:
Those are some scary-ass looking dinosaurs.
Yeah, aren't they fucking marvelous? I'm gonna go get some close ups. This is Nobel Prize material!
*click click*
Surely he'd have been hailed as more of a scientific genius for his time machine than some shitty dino-snaps.
*MUNCH* AAARRRGGHH!!!

 

by KajunFirefly
4-24-04
Well, I guess I should go back in time and save Roger, but first...
December 24th 2003:
Hey, mind if I join in?
*gurgle* Where am I?
Sure, go ahead!

 

by KajunFirefly
4-27-04
..and the best way to get THAT stain out is with some kind of citric acid.
Of course if you've followed the first steps closely, it probably wont go as far as DNA testing.
Now, who wants to learn how to cheat at Russian Roullette?
We'll need two volunteers.
When's Mrs Kavanaugh getting back?
I don't think she is, the speccy one's wearing her skirt.

 

by KajunFirefly
5-20-04
You wanted to see me?
Yes, there's been a slight reshuffle, your duties now include wiping my arse, eating tin foil and you now share a desk with stinky Brenda from accounts.
Why must you make coming to work feel like being stabbed in the brain?
Have you ever BEEN stabbed in the brain?
No.
Your new duties also include being stabbed in the brain.

 

by KajunFirefly
5-20-04
What the hell's the matter with you, have you bathed in starch or something?
No, I woke up this morning and went downstairs and there was a letter on my doorstep...
it said "please do not bend".
Who was it from?
I don't know, I couldn't pick it up.

 

by KajunFirefly
5-24-04
So I've been here for 3 years now.
I know, I got you a present.
Really, where is it?
Actually I've already given it to you.
Oh man, is it some gay-ass metaphorical present like "companionship" or something?
No, the HIV I gave you became full blown AIDS this morning!

 

by KajunFirefly
6-07-04
8:00am Sunday morning
I know you were out drinking last night Kajun, but apart from slurring one word this morning, you've been nothing but a professional.
I don't see why drinking should stop me from working, or vice versa.
Most people would either turn up hungover or phone in sick.
Hungover?
Yeah, you know, the headache you get when you stop drinking?
Stop?

 

by KajunFirefly
6-07-04
It's really hard being a parent. When they're young you have to make sure they don't get into any trouble and when they get older you have to make sure they don't get caught...
sometimes you wonder if it'll ever be rewarding...
I mean, what age do kids actually become enjoyable.
16 in the UK.

 

by KajunFirefly
6-07-04
Going out at the weekend, Kajun?
Yeah, I imagine so, you fancy coming out for a pint?
No thanks, I'm allergic to alcohol, it makes me feel dizzy and gives me a sore head.
Yeah, that's the fucking point.
I'd still rather not.
My mum's allergic to alcohol, it makes the sperm levels in her body shoot up.

 

by KajunFirefly
6-07-04
You know, if we were gay, we wouldn't be such losers.
Yeah, we'd be up to our ears in the cock.
meanwhile in an alternate universe...
Fag.

 

by KajunFirefly
6-07-04
It'll be £70 for full sex, then it's £30 an hour after that.

 

by KajunFirefly
6-21-04
Where did you get those shoes?
Speak, you slimy bag o' cunty flaps!
How fucking pointless.
These shoes aren't worth the lungs I donated.

 

by KajunFirefly
6-21-04
What the fuck is that smell?
I'm wearing pheromones to make me smell sexy to the women!
You just smell like jobby.
Do you think I smell like jobby?
What's a jobby?

 

by KajunFirefly
6-21-04
Apart from the fucking, do you think this relationship is working out?
Yes.
Really? You could see this getting more serious? You could see us being together forever?
Yes, honey.
Urm, maybe not.

 

by KajunFirefly
6-21-04
Bobby, there's no easy way to say this...
You're heterosexual, father, I know, I've known for some time.
Well, well, do you mind if I ask how?
Yeah, my sister told me you fucked her in the vestry.
Sorry, daddy.

 

by KajunFirefly
6-21-04
Recently studies have shown that 80% of women cheat on their husbands with co-workers...
...scientists say most cannot help giving into their sexual desires.
So when the fuck is your clam going to thaw out then?

 

by KajunFirefly
7-05-04
Well, Doc, what have you got for me?
It would appear that you are perfectly healthy, Mr Billings...
Then what the fuck has happened to my hair?
It's that ancient old television that you keep, it's radiation is killing the follicles.
Goodbye, television, it's been one heck of a ride.
*sniff*

 

by KajunFirefly
7-05-04
*ker-splash*
?
Oh look, a television, cool, pity all it appears to be showing is some home movies of a guy in a fireman's outfit doing woodwork...
with a donkey.

 

by KajunFirefly
7-05-04
Recent reports suggest that our local lake is showing disturbingly high levels of radiation...
one fisherman caught a severly mutated octopus early yesterday morning...
"He's okay, as long as you don't mind the groping arms and the drool"... said the octopus.

 

by KajunFirefly
7-05-04
I'm so bloody sick of this stupid video, that's it, I'm going to hunt this guy down and eat the bastard.
"Is that a fireman's pole, or are you just pleased to see me, EE-AW!"

 

by KajunFirefly
8-03-04
Oi, cunt-face!
?
The lake isn't a rubbish dump you know, you can't go around throwing your harmfull waste into it.
But that suit looks good on you.
But...well, really? You think?
Yeah, although I'm not too sure about those rubber gloves, why are they made up of individual fingers?

 

by KajunFirefly
8-03-04
Regardless of how fashionable I am, you must die for your crimes against nature.
But take a look at yourself, you can walk on land, you've evolved.
Yes, I can WALK on land, but I can't survive on it.
Oh.
*thunk*
VICTORY!

 

by KajunFirefly
12-28-04
If you could fuck any cartoon woman, who would it be, Jessica Rabbit or April O'Neil from the Ninja Tutles?
April O'Neil, especially that episode where she turned into a cat, you can't beat cartoon bestiality.
Okay then, Mickey Mouse or Donald Duck?
It would have to be Donald, imagine getting sucked off by that beak!
I'm going to genetically engineer human females with bills on their vaginas
They're called prostitutes.

 

by KajunFirefly
2-13-05
You wanted to see me, boss?
Yes, St. Valentine, it's your time of the year again and for once I want you to actually do some work. Help people with their love lives.
But I do help people, every year, by giving them a chance to express their feelings in a variety of overly expensive ways.
I want you to be a bit more traditional than just giving people phallus-shaped chocolates.
Like, Jesus-shaped chocolates?
Yes, or Jesus-shaped phalluses.

 

by KajunFirefly
2-13-05
Take this guy for example, I want you to help him out:
Hi, Jenny, I was wondering if you wanted to... uh... maybe, that is if you're not too busy, um...
Oh for fuck sake, Andy, just say it!
I want you to help him say what he really wants to say.
Well, you know that I really like you, and now that you're single and everything, I was thinking that perhaps, uh...
Yeeeesss?
Okay *zap*
I want to cover you in pig-fat and videotape my dog violating you while I listen to my entire Celine Dion collection.
Does it HAVE to be Celine Dion?

 

by KajunFirefly
2-13-05
What about this guy, years of alcohol abuse has destroyed his libido:
Take me, Boorite, take me to the brink of sexual ecstacy.
Okay, just give me a few minutes to warm the little guy up.
What's that? It feels like a wet piece of ravioli.
Just keep rubbing it.
*ZAP*
Holy shit, check out the size of this thing, and it's shaped like Jesus!
lewl

 

by KajunFirefly
2-13-05
This guy has met the love of his life, although she's on the other side of the world.
I <3 U
Gush!
Okay, I'll bring these two together. ZAP!
If only I could see you.
Oh wow, I've suddenly got flight tickets to come and see you, yay!
HugeCock?
Kickass_chick?

 

by KajunFirefly
2-13-05
What the hell is the matter with THIS guy?
Why are you staring at me?
I'm not sure if that even IS a guy, just try and help him.
And what's that pool forming under your skirt?
Huzzah!

 

by KajunFirefly
2-14-05
Wait, where the fuck am I, what the fuck happened?
I'm sorry, it seems I got a little bit carried away with my Saintly powers. Tell you what, to make it up to you, why don't you have a shot at spreading your love on the world.
Okay, here I go!
That's disgusting.

 

by KajunFirefly
2-14-05
This guy not only sent roses to his wife at work, he also died his pubic hair red and tattooed her name on his ass.
Did you get the chocolates I left on your desk? And did the bus driver sing to you as I asked? Did you see the costumed midgets?
ZAP!

 

by KajunFirefly
2-14-05
I went home last night and my fiance was waiting for me with a rose in his mouth, totally nude.
Yep, I heard this story the first time you told me.
In bed he wears a t-shirt with a picture of my face on it and he bought me a thong with a picture of him.
ZAP!
Although it doesn't usually itch like this.

 

by KajunFirefly
2-14-05
Oh, Jamalia, I have terrible news, I lost my job and now the credit card company is talking about repossesing our house.
Oh, Lenny, you know I love you no matter what, I'm sure we can pull through these tough times.
---------------------------ZAP!-------------------------
Yes, my love, as long as we have each other, I'm sure we can pull through.
I just felt a kick.
---------------------------ZAP!-------------------------
Hooray! We can sell the baby to an unlucky couple, our money troubles are over!
Now it's went all squishy.

 

by KajunFirefly
2-14-05
Ah-ha! There's that girl who turned me down, now it's time for revenge, first I'll send her to the arse-end of the world. ZAP!
What am I doing in Wales?
Now I'll take away her good looks. ZAP!
Burble-urble-urble.
and now I'll condemn her to a life of Hell, married to a complete twat. ZAP!
Wait.

 

by KajunFirefly
3-13-05
Well, what do you want to do first? Look at some kangaroos? Visit the Sydney Opera House? or... uh...
What the fuck else is there to do?
We could get some hookers.
I'll do the talking this time, we don't want a repeat of Singapore.

 

by KajunFirefly
3-13-05
I'm going surfing, you want to come?
No thanks, I have enough trouble keeping my balance on dry land.
This isn't so hard, I haven't even spilled my pint.
That's my friend out there.
Someone should tell him that's a rock he's standing on.

 

by KajunFirefly
3-13-05
Oh look, a kangaroo.
Give me your wallet.
How cute.
I'm a kangaroo with a fucking GUN!
I'm American.
Oh, sorry, Sir.

 

by KajunFirefly
3-13-05
Do you have anything stronger to drink?
Listen, mate, we've got liquor here that'd wake the dead.
How cute.
I'm serious, this stuff's made from snake venom and koala sperm.
I'm Scottish.
We have sheep sperm too.

 

by KajunFirefly
3-13-05
Well, what did you think of Australia?
Everyone seems to get drunk to try and forget that there's like 6 million ways to be killed here.
Remind you of home then?
Yes, and the locals seem to be proud of being a nation of alcoholics descended from criminals.
It's your line.

 

by KajunFirefly
5-02-05
Spain:
Two bottles of San Miguel, please!
France:
Two bottles of Kronenberg, please!
Holland:
Two bottles of Amstel, please!
This really IS the best bar in Glasgow.

 

by KajunFirefly
5-02-05
I knew I heard the travel agent laugh when we were leaving.

 

by KajunFirefly
5-02-05
Trust me, you don't even want to know where they are.

Showing page 11.

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