All comics by UnknownEric

Profile

 

by UnknownEric
9-10-04
And then what happened?
He grabbed the guy and threw him out the door.
Well, fuck ME in the ass.
Okay.
Ow! Rape! Rape!
No, I'm sure it's consentual.

 

by UnknownEric
9-10-04
Welcome back to the Lakers-Spurs game. Kobe Bryant has just been RAPING the defense tonight.
Look at him take advantage of Tim Duncan there. He practically bends him over a chair and...
Okay, that's enough.
Sorry.

 

by UnknownEric
9-10-04
I'm here in Toronto, outside the building where the NHL and NHLPA are meeting to talk about a new CBA. Here comes a representative now to make a statement.
On behalf of both the NHL and the NHLPA, I would like to read the following message to the fans. *Ahem*
Fuck you.
And there you have it.

 

by UnknownEric
9-10-04
blondEbare: Okay, I'll start. I kiss you all over and lick your earlobes.
redman: I rip off your pants. RAAAR!
blondEbare: Ooh, forceful! I caress your chest, running my hands closer to your crotch.
redman: I bend you over and CORNHOLE YOU!
blondEbare: What kind of sicko ARE you?
RAAAAAR!

 

by UnknownEric
9-13-04
I was looking for a job...
...and then I found a job...
Blow jobs! $20!
I'll take it!
...and heaven knows I'm miserable now.
You have herpes.
*groan*

 

by UnknownEric
9-13-04
Man, Amanda is a severe hottie.
Thank you for the information. I will take pains to not be near her.
Dude, why would you want to avoid her? She's hot!
Yes, and I'm rather warm myself and I don't want to get any hotter.
You're weird.
At least I don't have third degree burns.

 

by UnknownEric
9-17-04
Yarrr.
Yarrr.
How did ye know I was piratin' that movie.
Lucky guess.

 

by UnknownEric
9-17-04
Inspired by MikeyG
Main screen turn on!
What you say???
Someone set up us the Tom.
We have no chance for romance, make our time.
Turn on every zig.
For great justice!

 

by UnknownEric
9-17-04
I'm hot. You got a fan or somethin'?
We can go out to eat, but I'm not paying.
and that's why you should never ask Santa for a hot cock and a tight ass.

 

by UnknownEric
9-22-04
First, he says he'll call me, then he doesn't call me.
I'll never understand men.
I think I might lick my balls.

 

by UnknownEric
9-24-04
Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for Hank Yanker!
Yay! Woooo! Hooray!
Good evening, folks... I'd like to sing you a little song about my favorite topic... breasts... Jubblieeeees... in the pages of my mind...
...misty water colored jubblies... that I've seen and touched...
This is the best concert EVER.

 

by UnknownEric
9-26-04
Welcome back to Lost Demos, I'm Dick Clark. From 1984, here's the original version of Rod Stewart's "Infatuation."
Oh no! Not again! In front of all the zoo keepers... I don't understand...
...chimp masturbation... whoa...

 

by UnknownEric
9-26-04
...And the hits just keep coming, as we have the rare original demo of Elvis Costello's 1989 hit "Veronica."
I hear the music from behind you... that blues that you play in the dark...
...then you told me little girl, that straight up your butt, you have lodged a harmonica...

 

by UnknownEric
9-30-04
You wanted to see me, boss?
Yes, how is the software project coming?
You mean "Champagne?" Terrible. No matter what we do, we can't seem to get rid of all the bugs.
We need to get a new product to the market soon!
Well, we have been playing around with new software we've nicknamed "The Football."
In that case, put Champagne on ice and kick off The Football.

 

by UnknownEric
10-05-04
Hi everybody, I'm Jesus. You might remember me from the New Testament or Mel Gibson's The Passion of the Christ.
It has recently come to my attention that many people are not properly worshipping on the Sabbath.
So this Sunday, remember that Jesus says, "You better eat me!"

 

by UnknownEric
10-05-04
Jesus, I've recently convinced my girlfriend to go down on me...
Congratulations!
Thanks, but... the problem is, she won't... you know...
Ah my son, I have the same problem. Women will eat my body and drink my blood...
...but they STILL won't swallow my semen.

 

by UnknownEric
10-05-04
Mr. President, how do you respond to the charge that your homeland defense initiatives have turned America into a police state?
You forgot Poland!

 

by UnknownEric
10-05-04
Mr. President, how would you improve the economy?
Well, I certainly WOULDN'T anally rape a penguin.
Senator Kerry, what would you do?
I'd do EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE of what he said.
Oh wait... shit...

 

by UnknownEric
10-05-04
Mr. Eric, how would you make this country a better place?
Kill all the dumb people.
You would... what? Did I hear you correctly?
Yes. As a matter of fact, I did just suggest a mass genocide of the stupid.
Boo-ya.

 

by UnknownEric
10-06-04
This fall, ABC invites you to come home every Sunday with all new episodes of Who's the Boss?
Tony, I have a hot date with a girl tonight and I don't know what to do with her!
Ay-oh, oh-ay, Jon-a-ton, what do ya know bout her?
Well, I know she likes card games...
How about poker?
(insert canned laughter)
Poker? I hardly know her!
Did Mona hear someone mention sex?

 

by UnknownEric
10-07-04
Hey, did you hear? I'm opening my own rock club.
Sweet! Who's playing opening night?
Talking Heads.
Didn't they break up?
Opening night.
So, I went out shopping with my girlfriend. She talked me into going into Bath and Body Works with her.
Going in there is like being punched in the face by smell.

 

by UnknownEric
10-07-04
You stupid fairy. I'll kick your ass.
That's what you think. Meet my new friend... WOLVERINE!
That's not...
Don't tell him the truth. It'll only crush him.

 

by UnknownEric
10-08-04
I had a dream about you the other night.
Really? Do tell.
I dreamt we met each other in St. Louis (of all places), then got lost and somehow ended up at your parent's house, but they didn't like me.
Wow, you can't even get laid in your dreams.

 

by UnknownEric
10-13-04
Look, up ahead, a tangle of vines! Wolverine, cut through them with your adamantium claws!
Dude, they're Press-On Nails. Get a grip.

 

by UnknownEric
10-13-04
Well, Billy, you burned down the garage, raped the neighbor's cat, got your sister pregnant and murdered the mayor...
...but I forgive you.
Insert "awwwwww" track here.
I love you, Dad.
I love you too, son.

 

by UnknownEric
10-13-04
Looking at a tree stump.
Look at that stupid thing, sticking up so big and hard.
I should have it removed.
Oh no! Dad's going to have his penis removed!
Let's tell Mom!

 

by UnknownEric
10-18-04
I... love... when the Asian girls are whores
Sucky sucky.
Fie dollah.
Robots named TOBOR anally raping Mexicans
RAAAR!
No es bueno!
and twins
What the fuck are you talking about?

 

by UnknownEric
10-18-04
I love... Blonde and Blue half-nude...
misremembered platitudes...
A penny saved saves nine...
and unconsenshul rapp... with twins!
Ahh, my twin and eye are dieing!

 

by UnknownEric
10-22-04
Halt! Before you enter this voting booth, you must answer me these questions three. Number one, who are you voting for?
George Bush.
Two: Give me one good reason why.
Because he kicks ass, whooooooo!
WRONG ANSWER! Next...

 

by UnknownEric
10-22-04
Halt! Before you enter the voting booth, you must answer me these questions three. Number one: Who are you voting for?
John Kerry.
Two: Give me one good reason why.
Because he's much cuter than Bush...
WRONG ANSWER! Next...

 

by UnknownEric
10-22-04
Halt! Before you...
I heard about you. I'm voting for Kerry because I refuse to support a president who wishes to ingrain prejudice into the Constitution of the United States.
Wow... Umm... Good answer. You may pass.
What about question three?
I, umm, never expected anyone to make it past question two, actually... You're the first.
Wow, and it's only 10:23 pm...

 

by UnknownEric
10-25-04
Who is your favorite rock and roll band?
Well, that depends... are we talking 50s style rock and roll, or one or all of its myriad offshoots. And which popular music styles of the past 50 years count as rock and roll and which don't?
I mean, does hip-hop or R&B count in the grand scheme of "rock and roll," or only those forms directly descended from guitar based rock music, which itself came from the blues, which itself...
Eight hours later.
So if we narrow it down to specifically guitar-based bands following in the tradition, if not the actual sound of rock and roll, I'd have to say The Replacements.

 

by UnknownEric
10-27-04
The Puritans in Eng-er-land
We're going to get all up in yo bizness and tell you you can't do that.
Bummer. We're going to the New World.
So they went to America and founded the United States.
All men are created equal, right Mr. Washington?
Yes, Mr. Jefferson. Let us separate church and state so people can do what they please, as long as they don't hurt anybody.
...which lead to today's America.
We're going to get all up in yo bizness and tell you you can't do that.
Bummer. I'm going to Canada.

 

by UnknownEric
10-31-04
Let me check my comments...
*snore
I'll be damned.
I never would have guessed I had such a following amongst narcoleptics.

 

by UnknownEric
10-31-04
Welcome to the Deli Planet. Can I help you?
Yeah, what's good here?
Well, there's the Guinea Pig sandwich with BBQ sauce... the cock soup is especially good this season... or the Sandwiche d'Bebe, sliced baby on Italian with lettuce and tomato...
Hmm, what about the Horse Balls and Onions Deluxe.
Well, the onions really turn some people off...
Yeah, I better play it safe... how 'bout the Hobo Burger with Cheese.

 

by UnknownEric
10-31-04
*KNOCK KNOCK*
Must be some tricks or treaters...
BRAINS!!!
Oh my, aren't you cute? Here's an Almond Joy and a lollipop.
What does a guy have to do to get some brains around here?
*SLAM*

 

by UnknownEric
10-31-04
Thanks for taking this meeting. I have such a great idea for a new teen sex romp film. We'll put six people in a...
Are there titties?
...beach house and... what was that?
Titties. Are there titties?
Aren't they obligatory?
Here's your first check.

 

by UnknownEric
11-01-04
Hey, who won the election?
Let me put it this way: For the next four years, we'll be led by a priviledged douchebag beholden to special interests who couldn't give a rat's ass about your common Joe.
So who won the election?

 

by UnknownEric
11-05-04
Al Jolson. White jewish guy who put burnt cork on his face to look black and sang songs purported to be authentic "negro" songs.
George W. Bush. Yalie from the Northeast who moves to Texas, affects a Southwestern drawl and pretends to be "common folk" from America's heartland.
So what are you saying?
The new national anthem should probably be "Mammy."
We ain't seen nothin' yet.

 

by UnknownEric
11-11-04
You have freed me from my bottle. I shall grant you one wish!
Only one? How about... a million bucks!
So it shall be done!
Whoa!
Hi, I'm buck 1. Where do you want the other 999,999.

 

by UnknownEric
11-11-04
You have freed me from my bottle. You may have one wish.
I want big boobs!
So it shall be done!
You can look, but don't touch.

 

by UnknownEric
11-11-04
You have freed me from my bottle. I will grant...
Yeah, yeah, I heard about you. Here's a wish even you can't screw up. I want to own the Dallas Cowboys.
So it shall be done!
What the fuck were you thinking?

 

by UnknownEric
11-13-04
I really did dream this. Seriously.
Wow, I'm back in the house I grew up in. Everything looks the same.
Wait, what's that noise coming from upstairs. Oh, God, no... it can't be...
AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Love in an elevator... livin' it up when I'm goin' down...

 

by UnknownEric
11-22-04
Thanks for going hiking with me, Mike. Isn't the blue sky wonderful? By the way, how did you get off from work?
I sent Jim's pet chicken in my place.
Merde! Don't you think your boss will notice?
Not really.
You're doing a great job today, Mike. Keep up the good work.

 

by UnknownEric
11-22-04
Hey, aren't you Ron Artest?
Yep.
Can I buy you a beer?

 

by UnknownEric
11-23-04
The United States is losing respect with foreign nations.
Foreign investors are pulling out of the U.S. at an alarming rate!
But are they coming on our faces, Pete? Are they?
Good point.
I know.

 

by UnknownEric
11-26-04
Ooh, I love the beach. I'm all dripping wet.
Would you like to take a ride on my woody?
TROJAN MAN!
Trojan Ma... wait... you're not Trojan Man, you're Prince.
True, but I got a pocket full of horses... but some of them are used...
I think we'll be going now.
But wait... tonight is the night for making slow love!

 

by UnknownEric
11-29-04
Kajun: Hey sexygrrl! What's new?
sexygrrl: Remember that time we cyber'd? Guess what? I'm pregnant.
Yoink!
sexygrrl: So what are we going to do about it?
Your account has been deleted.

 

by UnknownEric
11-30-04
Wolverine, you've outlived your usefulness. I'm sorry, but I have a new sidekick... meet Cyclops!
Hi.
Howdy.

 

by UnknownEric
11-30-04
This kid has no clue, does he?
Tell me about it. Last week, he introduced me to "Shadowcat."
Kitty Pryde! I'd like to meet her!
Suit yourself.
Oh jeez.
Meow.

Showing page 11.

« Previous Next »