All comics by evil_d

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by evil_d
10-08-08
Excuse me; do you have Paris Hilton's Herpes yet?
Uh, no, sorry. I didn't even know she was writing another book.
Book?

 

by evil_d
10-09-08
Hello, I'd like to take out a loan to buy a house.
Certainly! Now, to begin with, I'll need to know how much money you owe currently, and who your creditors are.
Actually, I don't owe any money. I've never needed a credit card, and I've already paid off my student loans and my car.
Oh, my... so you're not making any payments at all right now? Then I'm afraid I have no way to verify your creditworthiness.
So, basically, you're saying you won't give me a loan because I'm too responsible with my money?
We take a dim view of anyone who manages to wean themselves off of the banking teat.

 

by evil_d
10-09-08
Alright, buddy. It's against the law to use recording devices in here. You're under arrest.
What about personal teleporters, are those okay?
What's a pers--

 

by evil_d
10-10-08
Hey, Ted. I'm going out to pick up some lunch. Want anything?
Yeah, can you get me a Happy Meal?
...okay.

 

by evil_d
10-12-08
So I hear you're selling "discount penis-enlarging drugs" on the internet for five bucks a pop.
Hell yeah. It's only been a few weeks and I've already made hundreds.
How are you getting the stuff so cheaply?
Dude. It's sugar water and blue food coloring.
And you aren't worried about having to pay all that money back when it doesn't work?
In the history of the world, no man has ever uttered the phrase "My penis is small, so I'd like my five dollars back."

 

by evil_d
10-12-08
Hey, Butch, here's a riddle for you: say a plane crashes on the border between the United States and Canada. Where would you bury the survivors?
Hm, that's a tricky one... it'd have to be far enough away that the cops wouldn't think to look there... but then, you don't want to try to move them too far....
Uh, heh, it's a trick question, see, because you don't bury survivors....
I stand by my answer.

 

by evil_d
10-13-08
Mega Man! Those sales reports were supposed to be on my desk at 9 a.m.! What's the holdup?
POW!
Mega Man, that wasn't really the appropriate way to handle that situation.
You think I should have used the Laser Trident?

 

by evil_d
10-15-08
tweet tweet
POW!
What the hell, Mega Man? That was an endangered species!
In my experience, when you see a bird, you have about one second to kill it before it drops a rock on you. Or sometimes an egg! But then the eggs break open and a bunch of smaller birds swarm you!

 

by evil_d
10-15-08
Look out, it's Fire Man!
POW!
Mega Man, you idiot! That wasn't Fire Man! You just shot ASIMO!
I'm pretty sure I heard him say something about terrorizing humanity.

 

by evil_d
10-16-08
POW!
Goddamnit, Mega Man!
Come on! You can't tell me that thing wasn't an enemy.

 

Hey, baby. Want to find out why they call me "Rock Man" in Japan?
Not unless you want to find out why we call our robotic bird "Beat".
by evil_d, 10-18-08

 

by evil_d
10-19-08
Well, it's a fairly simple surgery, but we'll still need to use a general anesthetic.
Oh no you don't. I know how it is with you doctors.
You just knock me out for some simple repairs, and when I wake up, I'm programmed to help you take over the world!
Mega Man, I'm not Dr. Wily.
That's exactly the sort of thing that Dr. Wily would say!

 

by evil_d
10-20-08
I'll have a number 3 with a large... wait, Magnet Man, is that you? I haven't seen you since... uh... I beat you up and took your energy crystal....
Mega Man! Oh, uh, yeah, I'm working here now....
Boy, this is awkward.
Yeah.
POW!

 

AAAAAAHH!
by evil_d, 10-21-08

 

by evil_d
10-22-08
Honey, that was my dad on the phone just now... he told me... he told me that my mom is dead!
I'll say she's dead... dead sexy! I couldn't keep my hands off her last night!
What... too soon?

 

by evil_d
10-23-08
Well, Mark, I hope you and Cindy had a good time tonight.
You bet, Mr. Smith. We drove up to Lover's Point, and then I raped her like Sextus Tarquinius raped Lucretia in 509 BC!
I... I can't believe what I'm hearing.
What... too soon?

 

by evil_d
10-24-08
Grab a seat! You're just in time to see the coconuts put on their annual Christmas pageant.
Aren't you a little ugly for a stormtrooper?
Sucker!!

 

by evil_d
10-25-08
I've been stranded here for so long that I would gladly fuck and/or eat you.
Not necessarily in that order of priority.
So I hope for your sake you brought a bag of chips or something.

 

by evil_d
10-26-08
Prepare to be trampled beneath the hooves of my fearsome ovine-type Pokémon!      SHEEPACHU!!      I CHOOSE YOU!
Hah! This'll be easy!    SHEPHERDUDE!!    I CHOOSE YOU!
Pfeh. I'll herd you like mudkips.
Terrible... just terrible.

 

Give it to me straight, doc.
You're dead.
by evil_d, 10-27-08

 

by evil_d
10-28-08
Well, I can't vote for Barack Obama. Larry down at the dry cleaners' said he was a terrorist, or maybe it was a Muslim... wait, was he a Weatherman?
Let me get this straight. You believe that Barack Obama is a terrorist, and that millions of Democrats have failed to notice this fact, and nominated him for president...
...at the risk of scuttling a once-in-four-years chance to guide their country's political path... but that Larry down at the dry cleaners' knows the real scoop?
Well... news travels slowly, sometimes.
It does when your news source is Larry down at the dry cleaners'.

 

by evil_d
10-29-08
Larry, you told me that that Barack Hussein Obama fella was a terrorist!
I'm pretty sure I called him Saddam Hussein Obama.
Whatever. The point is, I found out from some other guy that he ain't!
And now you believe him instead of me? How long have we known each other, Zelda? 27 years?
Well, that's true, but... oh, if only we had one of them... buildings... where you can go to... learn... facts... whaddaya call 'em... libraries!
Who needs 'em? They got more facts than you'd know what to do with in the checkout lane at the supermarket.

 

by evil_d
10-30-08
Doc, the last thing I remember, I was driving to the store, and then I woke up here. What happened?
I'm afraid you were in an accident. We had to remove your kidney. And since we couldn't find a donor in time, I had to replace it with a baked potato.
Huh. Well... as long as it wasn't a loaded baked potato.
Actually, it was a loaded baked potato. Why do you

 

by evil_d
10-30-08
Well, there's good news and bad news.
Good news first.
Your kidney failed, but I was able to replace it with a baked potato.
You replaced my kidney with a baked potato? And that's the GOOD news? What's the bad news?
If you thought kidney stones were bad, wait 'til you have to pass some bacon bits.

 

by evil_d
11-01-08
Yes, I was victimized by a ring of organ thieves once. They stole my kidney, but at least they were nice enough to replace it with a baked potato.
Has anybody ever told you you're crazy?
If they did, I wouldn't have heard them. My ears were replaced with pancakes several years ago.
That's impossible, not to mention visibly untrue. Use your head, man!
Can't. Filled with cauliflower.

 

by evil_d
11-01-08
Congratulations! The surgery was a complete success!
That's great! Now where's that bowl of noodles I asked to have afterwards?
You wanted a bowl of noodles? I thought you asked for a bowel of noodles.
That's ridiculous; why would I... wait a minute, tell me you didn't....
I guess this would be a bad time to mention I threw in a free baked potato in place of your kidney.

 

by evil_d
11-03-08
Ultra-rare plant-type B-movie-type Pokémon, go!      AUDREYTWO!!      I CHOOSE YOU!
Ultra-common leather-type pervert-type Pokémon, attack!       SPANKLING!!       I CHOOSE YOU!
FEED ME!
EAT ME!
I have GOT to learn how to metagame.

 

by evil_d
11-04-08
Passepartout, excitable Frenchman extraordinaire, at your service, Monsieur Fogg. Are we really travelling around the world? At least it's all been boring until India.
Now that we're here, though, be sure to respect the local customs... unless they offend your Western sensibilities, in which case, go nuts.
So this is America. I don't know what's scarier -- the savage natives, the angry Mormons, or the rampaging bands of voters. What do you think?
Well, Improbable Love Interest, I think I should probably say something about the detective who's trying to apprehend Mr. Fogg... but then again maybe I won't.
Well, we're in a real pickle, for about the hundredth time. But this time I think it's serious. Only a questionable, expedient plot twist could get us home in time now.
I wouldn't worry about it... I mean, this is Jules Verne we're talking about.

 

by evil_d
11-06-08
Guy Man, help! Someone is getting mugged nearby! You've got to do something!
Indeed. I think I'll go down to the playground and swing on the monkey bars!
What? You can't tell me that wouldn't be doing something.

 

by evil_d
11-09-08
Say, Clown, where's Clown?
I don't know, Clown. But I heard a rumor that he got hit by a car this morning!
CUT!! What the fuck, Barry? I know you're pissed that your wife left you, but don't take it out on the kids.
You can't just yell "cut", man. This is a live broadcast.

 

by evil_d
11-10-08
Welcome to the Zombie & Skeleton Show, kids! Hey Zombie, today we've got a special guest. Can you guess who it is?
Braaaaaiiiinnns....
No, silly, it's not brains! I know how much boys and girls like ponies, so I invited my friend Petey the Undead Pony to drop on in!
*PLOP*
WAAAHH!

 

by evil_d
11-13-08
I've been told that I have brilliant green eyes.
Oh, I'm sure you do.
Um... thanks?
It's just that I'm red-green colorblind, you see. So, to me, you look like you're possessed by the devil.
Buy you another drink?

 

by evil_d
11-18-08
My favorite thing about December is that me an' the boys down at the post office get to read kids' letters to Santa and laugh at them. Let's do one now!
"Dear Santa, All I want this Christmas is for you to make those bastards at the post office stop opening my mail. Love, Billy."
Billy, you little son of a bitch. I know where you live!

 

by evil_d
11-21-08
Dear Jeeves, How about those four guys in that Guitar Hero commercial? Are they some kind of celebrities, or what?
Ask Jeeves is now Ask.com.
My childhood is officially dead.

 

by evil_d
11-21-08
Jeeves! I came as soon as I heard! I can't believe they fired you!
That happened in 2006.
Okay, so I haven't visited you in forever, but we had some good times, right? Remember me asking you about the air speed of an unladen swallow, or whether you were gay?
I guess the folks at Ask.com just felt that a cartoon valet was too childish a concept to be a good "hook" on today's grown-up internet.
...and decided instead to rest their fortunes solely on asking users to believe that they've developed a reliable natural language interpreter?
Point.

 
by evil_d, 12-01-08

 

by evil_d
12-10-08
Only Abilify™ is FDA-approved to treat depression in adults when added to an antidepressant.
Wow... I have GOT to get in on that racket.
Buy pure, fresh, WATER! Straight from the tap to our bottles to you! Water is scientifically proven to suppress the symptoms of the common cold when combined with a cold medicine!
But that's not all! Water plus a vitamin is guaranteed to raise your body's nutrient levels! Water plus painkillers will eliminate headaches! Water plus a bus token will get you to 14th Street!

 

by evil_d
1-12-09
Approximately 2 out of 3 people being treated for depression still have depression symptoms.
Any news on why the other third are being treated for a condition they have no symptoms of?

 

by evil_d
1-30-09
Hey, what's this little red box connected to your computer?
That's my USB fridge! It's smaller and less effective than the normal refrigerator that I always have running anyway. But it connects to my computer and has an acronym in its name, so it's cool!
Man, geeks will buy anything if you market it right.
If you think that's bad, wait 'til you see my USB thumbtack dispenser.

 

by evil_d
2-04-09
Hmm... I sure could go for some tacos right about now. No lettuce, though. I hear it has no nutritional value anyway.
Actually, that's not true! Lettuce varieties are an excellent source of several nutrients, including vitamins A, C, and K! The darker the leaves, the better!
Wow, I never knew that! Thanks, Wisdom Spaniard!
So, uh... you got any tacos?
Tacos are Mexican.

 

by evil_d
2-04-09
As a child, young Manuel Usuario was a know-it-all in school, because he always finished his lessons on time.
1492!
That's correct! Very good, Manuel!
...and that's it! That's the whole origin story! Wisdom Spaniard knows stuff because he bothers to learn it! You should try it sometime!
Seriously, turn off American Idol and read a book once in a while!
I will! Thanks, Wisdom Spaniard!

 

by evil_d
2-06-09
COME OUT, NEVILLE!
Pipe down, you. I'm busy learning microbiology from scratch so I can succeed where teams of trained scientists failed and cure mankind of vampirism.
Hey there, little buddy. How'd you like to help me salvage some trace of my humanity?
Only if you promise not to make me listen to your ridiculous theory about Muslim and Jewish vampires.
Wow, another uninfected human—or maybe you're a VAMPIRE SPY! How do I know I can trust you?
Um, because... I love you... sort of... for no plausible reason?

 

by evil_d
2-23-09
In response to the recent increase in thefts in our area, back doors to all buildings will remain locked during business hours on weekends. A sign will be posted to guide visitors to the front doors.
Our theory is that thieves can't read.

 

by evil_d
3-10-09
Bad:
Boy, I really fucked up this elementary school.
Our architectural firm can't tolerate this kind of mistake. You're fired.
Worse:
Boy, I really fucked up this elementary school.
Let me tell you what they do to guys like you in prison.

 

by evil_d
3-23-09

 

by evil_d
3-23-09
Ribbit.

 

by evil_d
3-25-09
Hi, Dr. Jones. I'm calling to get the results of my lab work?
Oh yes, let's see here... it says that the tests were negative.
What does that mean?
It means that they didn't find anything.
...so I'm okay?
What am I, a psychic?

 

by evil_d
3-25-09
I'm thinking about moving my bowels.
If you keep telling me things like that, I'm going to Human Resources.
Sorry! It's just that they've been irritating me. I have too many now for the box they're in, plus it's all the way across the house from the altar I use for sacrifices.
Oh, come on, don't be so sensitive! It's not like I'm talking about human entrails! They're goats', mostly!

 

by evil_d
3-31-09
Surprising news from Antarctica today, as researchers there have discovered that penguins are amateur alchemists!
That's right, Tom. A new study shows that when penguins inhale large amounts of greenhouse gases, small amounts of gold show up in their excretions!
This remarkable quality means that the fuzzy little guys could be a great help in cleaning up the environment, while making some money for their owners on the side.
Everybody already loved penguins because they're so cute...
...but with the discovery that they're also monetarily and ecologically valuable, expect their popularity as household pets to increase significantly.
grrrRRRRRR

 

by evil_d
3-31-09
Why did the penguin cross the road?
I don't know, why?
I don't know either, but at least he wasn't a chicken!
Ha ha ha ha ha! Good one!
*sniff*

Showing page 11.

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