All comics by ivytheplant

Profile

 

by ivytheplant
4-04-04
Tea Time of the Dead: There's nothing scarier than a proper English zombie.
Sounds dreadfully scary.
The Afterglow of the Christ: Free cigarette with every movie ticket!
Ewwwwww....
Jurassic Park 4: Who needs a plot when you get to see people being eaten by dinosaurs!
WOOHOO!!

 

by ivytheplant
4-05-04
Pi r squared plus a touch of cinnamon...
You know that new exfoliating cleanser you bought?
Yeah?
You might want to get your money back.
Egads!
o/^ I feel pretty! o/^

 

by ivytheplant
4-06-04
Pink Floyd
Education's for pussies.
Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
Damn. Forgot my parachute.
Ramones
Morphine! Quick!

 

by ivytheplant
4-06-04
Lifehouse
Joe Walsh
Man, life blows.
Queen
You wimps lost AGAIN?

 

by ivytheplant
4-06-04
Cat
Awwww...who's da wittow kitty?
This "wittow kitty" just shredded your Rembrant. Next time clean the litterbox, bitch!
Green Lantern
This is MY area of space! Get out before I bust yo ass!
Mythbuster
So when we give the word, we need you to blow up the dummy.
God I'm so horny.

 

by ivytheplant
4-07-04
Ivy looks really pissed.
We knocked her radioactive minerals off the display shelf.
Oh no. Are any broken?
I don't know. She still hasn't found her favorite specimen.
You're tainted. Get away from me before you spread her wrath.
Too late. I've shed on you.

 

by ivytheplant
4-07-04
Step one: Take a hot shower followed by dressing in clothing fresh from the dryer.
Choking! Need air! Hot!
Step Two: Wander outside in Wyoming during any month but July and August.
I'm freezing...and yet...I'm roasting my ass off...
Repeat as needed.
The temp just went up to 35! Spring is here!
Please kill me.

 

by ivytheplant
4-08-04
January 10th.
[Thank you for using H&R Block. Your refund is $5. There will be a $29.95 e-filing fee. Continue?]
What the--? No you freaking bastards! I'm going with someone else!
January 11th.
[Thank you for using Jackson Hewitt. Your refund is $5. There will be a $15.95 e-filing fee. Continue?]
ARGH!!!
April 7th...23 companies later...
[Thank you for using no1-discount -e-file-tax -return-services.com. Your refund is $5. E-filing is free. Continue?]
Yes DAMNIT!!

 

by ivytheplant
4-08-04
[Please enter last year's AGI as your e-signature to file your return electronically.]
Oh sure. Let me get my filebox.
[Waiting...]
20 minutes later...
[Session expired, please log in again.]
You hid all my copies of last year's return, didn't you?

 

by ivytheplant
4-08-04
[Welcome to H&R Block. How may we help you?]
I want a copy of last year's return.
[Login error.]
Login error my ass! Gimme!
[Error reading PDF file...]
Golf club...

 

by ivytheplant
4-08-04
[2002 tax return downloaded.]
My AGI was only $131 last year? That can't be right. Check last year's return.
[Preparing to report tax fraud...]
ARGH!!! No! STOP!
[Just kidding.]
You BASTARD!!!

 

by ivytheplant
4-08-04
[Please enter last year's AGI as your e-signature to file your return electronically.]
*enter $131*
[Either you're poor or a liar.]
I'm poor. File the return.
[You look too well-fed to be poor.]
File the damn return before I replace you with an emachine.

 

by ivytheplant
4-08-04
[2003 tax return filed. Would you like a copy of your credit report?]
No.
[Are you sure? It's need-to-know information if you ever want to buy a house.]
No!
[Looks like you have an outstanding debt to the Princess Porn Palace. That could negatively affect your credit score.]
LOGOFF!!

 

by ivytheplant
4-08-04
And I don't even really have to do my taxes this year.
So why bother?
I want my five dollars.
Big money!
Plus it's needed for my doctor's office so they know if they can get away with charging me a lot of money.
They are hosebags of the highest order!

 

by ivytheplant
4-08-04
[Congrats on 500. Now you can get into the player's club house. We wear velvet robes and sip cocoa.]
Cool! Do I get one of those cool bubble pipes too?
[Yep, exactly. At 1000 comics, you also get a bubble wand and one of those big clothes hanger bubble makers, and silk SC pajamas. I'm going to wear mine to work when I hit 1000.]
Sweeeet...
And thus the 'tude is born...
What's up?
Begone, plebian.

 

by ivytheplant
4-08-04
While perusing forums...
mAAk: [I am very happy you have all the free time to look up a bunch of unrelated and misleading facts. You must be leading a pretty stress-free life.]
Um...dude...Boorite's a reference librarian. It's his JOB!
Let us put this situation into perspective...
Coelowhatsis and Titanowhosits? I don't see how you have all this time to play with dinosaurs.
Dad, I work in the museum. It's my JOB!
[Man, you must either be really fat or have a lot of free time to memorize McDonald's menu LOLOMG!]
I work at the McD's registers. It's my JOB!

 

by ivytheplant
4-08-04
Earlier this morning...
Let's see. What to wear today? Hey, black angora panties. Kinky.
Waitaminute...I don't have black angora panties...
ANUBIS!
Hey, what's the big idea messing with my sleeping basket? It took hours to get it comfy!

 

by ivytheplant
4-11-04
o/^ It's just an ordinary day. o/^
Blarg.
o/^ o/^
o/^ I'm much too strange for this ordinary world! o/^
Hell demons and lesbians! This is the best Easter EVER!

 

by ivytheplant
4-14-04
Rule # 10: Multicolored hair will get you stopped by security.
You set off the alarm, ma'am.
But I just have tampons.
Rule # 11: Black clothing will get you stopped by security.
You set off the alarm, sir.
But I just have cat litter.
Rule # 12: Not buying anything will get you stopped by security.
You set off the alarm, ma'am.
I DARE you to touch me, worm!

 

by ivytheplant
4-15-04
Following a trend here...
Welcome to World History. This year you will learn about America, from colonization to the current day.
Um...sir. This is WORLD history. Will we learn about the Egyptians, China, Africa, etc?
No. They're all heathens. We're here to learn about God-fearing America!
Ooookay...
Now let's turn our attention to page 4. As we all know, the earth is flat...
If I concentrate hard enough, will his head explode?

 

by ivytheplant
4-15-04
True story.
6,000 years ago, God created humans.
Sir? What about evolution?
We also learned Lamarckian evolution.
What about it?
Are we going to learn about it? We already know Creationism from Sunday School.
Really!
No. Evolution is the Devil's work. Now turn to page 305 of your Bible...
I need to get out of here...

 

by ivytheplant
4-15-04
My Spanish class...
I don't know Spanish so I'm going to learn it with ya'll.
Tu estupides.
My English class...
I know nothin' bout no English so any you pussies that aren't my football players just shut up and watch the movie!
If I see American Graffiti one more time I WILL kill this motherfucker.
My Home Ec class...
All you girls will have a baby by the time you leave this school so it's best you learn how to be a good wife and mother now.
That's it. I'm getting my tubes tied.

 

by ivytheplant
4-15-04
1999...
Sweet. My own dial-up account not affiliated with any university or subject to modem outages.
[Page load time:5 minutes...]
2003...
Finally! I have DSL! I am now one with the 21st Century!
[Page load time: 10 seconds...]
2004...
I bow down to thee oh DSL speed upgrade from 256kbs to 1.5 Mbs!
[Page load time: Before I had a chance to say "page load time"...]

 

by ivytheplant
4-15-04
1. Cyclops
You really fucked Cable up, you know that right?
2. The Waynes
I know it's the 60's, but he's wearing a rainbow Batsuit.
3. The Kents
Mr. and Mrs. Kent, we need to know where your son is. He's wanted for the homicide of Lois Lane. Man of Steel, Woman of Tissue, etc.

 

by ivytheplant
4-15-04
1. Mr. and Mrs. Aquaman
Lame.
2. Hippolyta
So are all of you like, lesbos?
3. Aunt Mae
Are you senile or just a moron?

 

by ivytheplant
4-15-04
1. The Reeds
Tell Mr. Stretchydick to keep it within his own damned zip code!
2. Splinter
I last saw them walking into that Japanese restaurant. Soup?
3. The Graysons
Your son is such a wonderful athelete. I would like to get to know him better.

 

by ivytheplant
4-21-04
I think there's something wrong with Ivy.
Agreed.
She didn't take a shower today. She ALWAYS takes a shower on Wednesdays.
She's been scooping our litterbox twice as much as usual. Not that we're complaining.
Maybe it's all that toxic carpet dust she inhaled.
About that, could you tell her to stop? I look so much cuter rolling around on carpet.

 

by ivytheplant
4-21-04
What the hell is going on?
I'm stripping the carpet.
Why? You know Penny won't put new carpet in and you hate moving furniture.
I'm not planning to put new carpet in. There's gorgeous hardwood flooring underneath. I'm going to restore it.
Have you talked to the cats about this?
I've killed three vacuums getting their hair out of the carpet. They can just deal.

 

by ivytheplant
4-21-04
We'd like to have a word with you about your unauthorized carpet removal.
Too bad.
You know we can make your life miserable, don't you?
Yes, but I'm going to continue to restore the hardwood floors.
The wood is cold and splintery on my little paws.
That's so cute! I'm going to snuggle you incessantly for now, but I'm still removing the rest of the carpet.

 

by ivytheplant
4-21-04
Why are you doing this instead of your homework? You should be thinking of your classes!
Jeez Mom, I have plenty of time to do both.
What about work? How can you do allt his and work at the same time?
I'm gifted. And an insomniac, remember?
...Are you wearing a mask and goggles?
Yes, mother.

 

by ivytheplant
4-21-04
Are you using proper tools for the job?
Yes, mother.
Be careful of nails. I don't want you running aorund barefoot like you always do during these things.
Yes, mother.
Did you check with your landlady before you started ripping up her building?
Yes, mother.

 

by ivytheplant
4-21-04
Are you cleaning up all the dust and dirt the carpet leaves behind?
Yes, mother.
I hope you have plenty of ventilation. Do you have plenty of ventilation?
Yes, mother.
Talking to Dad 15 minutes later...
What a great project! If you need any suggestions or help, just ask!
Thanks dad!

 

by ivytheplant
4-21-04
Talking to Chris...
Cool.
Yup.
Talking to AtheistDiary...
Awesome, babe.
Yup.
Talking to boorite...
I want you!
Thanks...

 

by ivytheplant
4-23-04
Hey, Brad added some new backgrounds to SC. There's a "happy place"...
Oh good, Jes will have another absinthe trip background.
A church...
Now there's a lot of potential!
And a haunted house that looks familiar...
Wow! Nice rendition of Grandma's place!

 

by ivytheplant
4-24-04
Perfume...
What the hell are you wearing?
Eau de Cat Hair.
Makeup...
What the hell are you wearing?
Mint-flavored orange glitter chapstick and black eyeliner.
Clothing...
What the hell are you wearing?
Jeans hacked off at the knee and a ratty Batman tshirt. If you saw me in a dress you might faint in fear.

 

by ivytheplant
4-24-04
Gee Ms. Ivy, what the hell are you wearing?
Why, I am glad you asked that Mr. Atheist! It's my special line of clothing!
Wow! Tell me more!
We offer the classic Force Shield of Apathy tshirts along with the new "I (heart) IvyThePlant" clothing and bumperstickers. Newly added today is a soon-to-be classic, the "What Would Ivy Do?" shirt.
That sounds keen! I want my very own Ivy Brand© attire!
So go to: www.cafeshops.com/ lackofoxygen and order your IvyThePlant gear today!

 

by ivytheplant
4-24-04
Thursday...
The mask is nice, but I'm still inhaling lots of strange things.
Please be careful!
Friday...
Today I learned the finer points of why goggles are important.
You're really starting to worry me.
Saturday...
My tetanus shots are all up to date, right?
STOP IT!!!

 

by ivytheplant
4-24-04
Imagine me around the age of 9 or 10....
Mom's sooooo mean!
Did she make you clean your room again???
Worse! She makes me do aaaall the work while she sits on the couch eating chocolates!!
OMG! That's soooo wrong!
May I have a word with you?
Crap...

 

by ivytheplant
4-24-04
What are those girls doing with each other? I can't quite see...
Goddamn you Ivy...
Isn't that the Communist Party's logo?
Actually it's the Cummunist Party's.
My PC's actual screensaver...
[Scrolling marquee: "Yippie-kai-yai-yay motherfucker!!"]
Young lady! Get in here!

 

by ivytheplant
4-24-04
Since Brad's new toy filtered part of the word "Saturday," I've decided to see just what I can find that ends up being filtered.
arse, arse bandit, ass, assfucker, asshole, assmaster, asswipe, balls, bastard, beater, beaver, bitch, blow job, bollocks, boner, boob, bugger, bunghole, butt, buttmonkey
choad, choadwarrior, cock, cocksucker, crap, cream, cum, cum-sucking gutter slut, cumwad, cunt, damn, damnit, dang, darn, dick, dickhead, dickwad, dildo, dillhole, dillweed, dipshit, doody, doodyhead
fag, faggot, fart, fuck, fucker, fuckhead, fucking A, fuck off, gangbang, gee, god, goddamn, golly, gosh, gummer, heck, hell, hummer, jizz, motherfucker, muff, muff diver, nookey, nookie, nooky
peachy keen, pecker, pee, penis, piss, pissant, poop, puss, pussy, rimjob, shit, shite, shit-for-brains, shithead, slut, suck, tit, titfucker, tramp, turd, twat, Vampireyes, whore, woody
Now that I've tormented all the children and elderly ladies, I'm gonna go get ice cream. See ya motherfuckers.

 

by ivytheplant
4-26-04
What are you playing?
GTA: Vice City. Watch me murder a few hookers.
DAD! This game isn't teaching Jonny good life values!!
C'mon you freaking whore! Get in the car!
I know. You should see him kill the cops.
This coming from retired Federal law enforcement....

 

by ivytheplant
4-26-04
*stare*
!

 

by ivytheplant
4-26-04
So I heard you were talking about Sugar Smacks being changed to Honey Smacks and then just Smacks.
Yup. It's quite the conundrum.
Did you know Corn Pops used to be called Sugar Pops?
Whoa...
Yup. The conspiracy continues.
How did you get here from Wyoming so fast, anyway?

 

by ivytheplant
4-27-04
Chirp chirp *ruffle*
Chirp chirp *ruffle*
Chirp chirp *ruffle*
"Chirp"?

 

by ivytheplant
4-27-04
*Pretend the T-Rex is a Jurassic Park toy*
*gnaw gnaw gnaw*
*gnaw gnaw gnaw*
*electronic roar*

 

by ivytheplant
4-27-04
*stare*
?
*stare*
!
Eeeexcellent!
Fill bowl! Fast!

 

by ivytheplant
4-27-04
o/^ On the floors of Tokyo, Down in London town's a go - go, With the record selection, And the mirror's reflection, I'm a - dancing with myself o/^
o/^ Oh, when there's no one else in sight, In the crowded, lonely night, Well, I wait so long for my love vibration, And I'm dancing with myself o/^
o/^ Oh, oh, oh dancing with myself, Oh, oh, oh dancing with myself, Well there's nothing to lose, And there's nothing to prove, And I'm dancing with myself, Oh, oh, oh, oh o/^
o/^ If I looked all over the world, And there's every type of girl, But your empty eyes seem to pass me by, And leave me dancing with myself o/^
o/^ So let's sink another drink, 'Cause it'll give me time to think, If I had a chance, I'd ask one to dance, And I'd be dancing with myself o/^
o/^ Oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh. o/^

 

by ivytheplant
4-28-04
*burrow*
*stalk*
What did I say about trying to kill each other?

 

by ivytheplant
4-28-04
*scamper*
*plop*
Ow...
*purrrrrr*

 

by ivytheplant
4-28-04
Hi Lil--
*karoom*
*karoom*
???
10 minutes of this later...
What?

Showing page 11.

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