All comics by umfumdisi

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by umfumdisi
3-06-04
YOU'RE GOING DOWN, OLD MAN!!! I'M GONNA SMACK YOU UP SO BAD, MY BAM-BAMS WILL TURN YOU TO PEBBLES!
Bring it on, young fella. I remember when you was nothin' but a molehill. Still, I'm gonna pulverize your ass and pour the gravel on my Momma's driveway!

 

by umfumdisi
3-06-04
Why is the lamp hovering?
That is not the correct question, my son.
Well what is?
The correct question is "Why is the vacuum Hoovering?"
Rats. I was going to ask "Why is this comic wirthling?"

 

by umfumdisi
3-08-04
With divine harrassment, God-Jesus giveth thus fifth written oats:
1. It happens for the damege of our store equipement by a quest's fault. and let me request it at cost.
2. It is remarkable to the quests such as in our store. and it may have it leave (an act to trouble) to the done one.
3. when it has a set up and so on changed on purpose. the next presence is sometimes refused in the internet.
4. It is hardly responsible about the trouble or the internet in our store at all.
5. It has a reissue charge on the one that is has our store membership card damaged as to loss in case of a reissue. Amen.

 

by umfumdisi
3-08-04
Doc, you gotta help--some crazy Farmicist butt-banged my prize stallion!
That sounds odd, but for $5 I'll fix most anything.
That old pig farmer rapped my ass!
Oops, time for lunch, I'll let my discount assistant help you...
ACK!

 

by umfumdisi
3-08-04
Help! Some crazy Veterinarian's assistant just shot my prize stallion!
Halt! Give me a few minutes and I'll go call up my batallion.
Wait a minute, here...you look too young to be a veteran.
Well go somewhere else if you think you'll find a better man.
This is just an absolute wasting of my time
Sir, I'll have you know that I fought in the Battle Of Rhyme.

 

by umfumdisi
3-08-04
Please, sir, could you point me to the nearest Police Station. My horse was raped and then shot.
I used to have a horse--fastest horse in three counties. I decided to enter him in the stakes at the Tri-County Derby...
--uh--
I knew it was foolish, but I took my life savings and wagered all of it on my horse. Little did I know that my jockey and trainer had taken turns with my stallion...
--erm--
So I had to shoot my horse, and I lost all my money. Now I make my living by standing beside accident scenes, complaining about my life, and hoping strangers will pay me to shut up. Got a nickel?

 

by umfumdisi
3-08-04
Say, aren't you hot Hollywood hunk-of-the-moment, Ashton Kutcher?
NO, I'm Ashland Kootcher--star of 'The Butterbean Effect.'
Say, aren't you hot Hollywood hunk-of-the-moment, Ashton Kutcher?
No, I'm Abbie Kutchman--star of TV's 'That Sitcom Show.'
Say, aren't you hot Hollywood hunk-of-the-moment, Ashton Kutcher?
No, I'm Abdullah The Butcher--but I did star in 'Dude, Where's My Caravan?'

 

by umfumdisi
3-08-04
(Gosh, I feel like I've been here before) Say, oldtimer, think you could round me up some mountain oysters?
This here's a pig farm, we ain't got no oysters.
No, 'mountain oysters' is a colloquialism.
Cain't say as I got none of them, neither.
Do...you...have...FRIED...PIG...NUTS?
No...I...got...RAW...HUMAN...NUTS!

 

by umfumdisi
3-15-04
Long ago, in a galaxy far, far away, there lived a band of furry creatures known as The Ewoks (see image below).
We wok!
These fuzzy, gentile creatures lived in harmony with nature. They were short, lightweight, easily tranquilized, and ripe for tossing!
So while the battle for an Empire raged on, two enemies met to settle a dusty score in the way of the ancients...by Ewok Tossing.
BOBA FETT!
CHEWBACCA?

 

by umfumdisi
3-16-04
ooh, a letter from kaufman!
"Dear stickman: Congratulations, you have advanced to Round 2...
of the Stripcreator Battle Royale. Your opponent for this Round 2 match is Drexle...
and the entry fee for this match is $1."
That's odd, I don't remember paying an entry fee for Round 1.
"Every Round is $1."

 

by umfumdisi
3-16-04
Okay, I found 100 pennies in this trash can. When do I fight Drexle?
Why would you want to fight Drexle?
Well, kaufman told me to, but then he turned into chicka. Now you show up.
Yeah, and I'll be taking those 100 pennies, dude.
A-ha, someone tossed a perfectly good Sacagawea dollar!
By the power of Thyrfing, I command you to fight me!

 

by umfumdisi
3-16-04
Crabby! My old freind, why would I want to fight you, and who the hell is Thyrfing?
My baby, of course, and we're going to kick your lack of ass!
I can't help it, I was drawn this way.
Well, we were born this way. Get ready to be thrashed by the Matthew twins!
I hate to do this to you guys, but *STAB!*
Blimey, he's got a knife. Bäckhästen!

 

by umfumdisi
3-16-04
What happened to the Matthew twins?
They cut a trail, stick, and somehow managed to take my pants.
No they didn't, I'm right here.
Borknagar!
This day has been nothing but a series of odd events.
I LIKE SHORT SHORTS!

 

by umfumdisi
3-16-04
So now it's Perm. I'm not surprised.
Would you be surprised if I turned into...
fuzzyman?
Not really. You're merely delaying the inevitable.
Yeah, well, nobody expects the Scottish Inquisition!

 

by umfumdisi
3-16-04
It's about time the knight with the rubber chicken showed up.
You want me to make rubber chicken soup tonight, dear?
No, but I am thinking of driving a nail through my own head. If only I knew how to find Drexle...
Drexle? Why he's been here all along. All you have to do to make him appear is say "Slaget Vid Blodsälv" backwards.

 

by umfumdisi
3-16-04
"Vläsdolb Div Tegals!"
You rang?
Finally! Kaufman says we're supposed to fight.
I know. I've been using my ancient Viking powers to morph into different characters. It won't be much of a fight, though. We all know how this ends...
*tink*
Still undefeated. Kampen Mot Bergtrolli!!

 

by umfumdisi
3-17-04
What's going on, Super Sis?
According to this Yahoo article, John Kerry is gaining in popularity and could defeat President Bush in the election!
The horror! We've got to do something.
WAIT! The article also states that a monkey with half a brain and no balls could beat W.
Speaking of dumb, castrated monkeys, there's Glorp!

 

by umfumdisi
3-17-04
Glorp, glorp-glorp, glorp.
You're right, Glorp, Sis and I should change into our costumes.
BLUNDER TIWN UNIFORMS--ACTIVATE!
BLUNDER TIWN UNIFORMS--ACTIVATE!
Did you forget to pick up the dry cleaning?
Dookie.

 

by umfumdisi
3-17-04
I guess we can still transform without our uniforms. You go first.
No, you always want me to go first so you can be something cooler. We'll transform at the same time.
Fine. FORM OF SOMETHING ... MODERATELY USEFUL!
FORM OF SOMETHING ... PATENTLY USELESS!
*MORPH!*
Sweet, I'm running Windows 98.
Would you like help with your document?

 

by umfumdisi
3-17-04
Okay, Super Bro, are you ready to compose?
Sure, we'll write a negative article about Kerry, slip it into the Associated Press feed, and the story will spread from there.
Um, what should we write?
Let's say he supports gay marriages ...AND euthanasia for the elderly!
Nice work, Super Bro. Should we use the spellchecker?
Way ahead of you, and I didn't find any problems.

 

by umfumdisi
3-17-04
Our last story tonight, Senator John Kerry received an unexpected surge in the polls thanks to an anonymous article from AP.
What the...
heck-a-roonie?
The article stated that Preisdential hopeful Kerry "supports hay carriages and providing Asian youths for the elderly."
This news will help Kerry gain votes from farmers, unemployed Asians, and even more elder-Americans. Goodnight.

 

by umfumdisi
3-20-04
3.14159265358979323846264338327950288419716939937510.
3.141592653589793238462643383279502884197169399375105!

 

by umfumdisi
3-20-04
And do you, Shmoovy G, promise to smack your bitch up, provide your ho' with food and shelter, buy jewelry and shit for her gap-ass, and post bail when necessary?
Fo' shizzle, mah prizzle.
And do you, Lowdown Linda, promise to cover your bruises, provide your don with dead presidents, buy fine gear for his bastard children, and open said gap-ass for business when necessary?
Where's my coke?
Yea, by the power vested in me by the welfare state, I now pronounce you Pimp and Ho.
You may now tag dat raggedy ass.

 

by umfumdisi
3-22-04

 

by umfumdisi
3-22-04

 

by umfumdisi
3-22-04

 

by umfumdisi
3-22-04

 

by umfumdisi
3-22-04

 

by umfumdisi
3-31-04

 

by umfumdisi
4-06-04
Zeus! I'm bored!
Are you kidding? We're on Mt. Olympus! We have everything.
Fun, Zeus, I want to do something fun! Tell me, what do you do for fun?
Hmmm...
For the LAST time, NO, we do not have Prince Albert in a can!

 

by umfumdisi
4-06-04
Zeus! I'm bored!
Are you kidding? We're on Mt. Olympus! We have everything.
Fun, Zeus, I want to do something fun! Tell me, what do you do for fun?
Hmmm...
So, I put my left foot in, and...I take my left foot out?
Then you do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself around!

 

by umfumdisi
4-06-04
In Amish Country...
Say, "Cheese!"
In Paris, France...
Don't nobody speak Anglish around here?
In Eagle County, Colorado...
Hi, I'm Kobe Bryant. Who wants to have sex?

 

by umfumdisi
4-06-04
Bonjour! Celine Dion here to push un autre product. Thees time it is my very own brand!
Je might be the first one to tell you thees, but the climate in Las Vegas is tres different than my home dans Quebec.
That's why I have developed SALINE DION! A few drops up your nez will leave you dry and clear in no time*.
*WARNING: Independent product testing found that Saline Dion is irritating to 90% of the general population.

 

by umfumdisi
4-06-04
Newsie-eezzie frohm da biz bosh moog. Nunga hooba za! Be mob doo.
Hi, kids and hippies, I think Bob is trying to announce the release of his new breakfast cereal--SpongeBob Dylanpants.
Izza gozza gee mo dah. Inna ohma oprah okra ohyah!
Bob says it's great because of the guitar-shaped sweetened corn and the yummy marshmallow sponges.
Nay don fahgahbah da zoopah zree! Din namonee mok.
And don't forget the special prize free in EVERY box--a Traveling Wilburys CD!

 

by umfumdisi
4-06-04

 

by umfumdisi
4-06-04

 

by umfumdisi
4-06-04
Welcome To The
Third Annual
Secret Strippers' Ball!

 

by umfumdisi
4-07-04
Arise children
Allons enfants de la Patrie,
Allons enfants de la Patrie,
of the Fatherland,
Allons enfants de la Patrie,
Allons enfants de la Patrie,
The day of glory has arrived!
Le jour de gloire est arrivé!
Le jour de gloire est arrivé!

 

by umfumdisi
4-07-04
Against us tyranny's
Contre nous de la tyrannie,
Contre nous de la tyrannie,
Bloody standard is raised!
L'étendard sanglant est levé!
Bloody standard is rais!ed
L'étendard sanglant est levé!

 

by umfumdisi
4-07-04
Can you hear in the fields...
Entendez-vous dans les campagnes...
The howling of
Mugir ces féroces soldats?
Ow-oooooooooooh!
these fearsome soldiers?
Ow-oooooooooooh!
Ow-ooooooh-la-la!

 

by umfumdisi
4-07-04
They are coming into our midst
Ils viennent jusque dans nos bras
To cut the throats of your sons
Egorger nos fils
Sacre Merde!
...and consorts!
...et nos compagnes!
What's a consort?

 

by umfumdisi
4-08-04
Age 18:
"I looked in the mirror today."
Age 26:
"My eyes just didn't seem so bright."
Age 32:
I've lost a few more hairs...
I think I'm going bald!

 

by umfumdisi
4-09-04
Beds
Are
Burning!

 

by umfumdisi
4-09-04
"Me So Horny" by Luke Skyywalker and 2 Live Crew!
Actually, I prefer Beethoven's "Moonlight Sonata."
You bitch, you just said that to impress people.
Well at least I'm not a TOTAL slut.
Well at least I'm not a total LIAR.
Okay, I really like "Tiny Bubbles" by Don Ho.

 

by umfumdisi
4-09-04
Out on the range, a man likes his music to be thoughtful, beautiful, and relaxing after a hard day's ride.
Amen.
So I'd have to go with FAITH NO MORE's version of "Midnight Cowboy."
Faith No More? I didn't see that one coming.
Well, what about you?
I'll get back to you in three days...

 

by umfumdisi
4-09-04
I love that Judy Garland song, "Zing Went the Strings (Of My Heart)."
WHY?
Cause she sings, "Clang-Clang-Clango The Jolly..."
THAT IS WRONG; YOU SUCK.
I PREFER CRYSTAL GAYLE'S "DON'T BANG MY BROWN EYE BLUE."
I don't think that's right, either.

 

by umfumdisi
4-12-04
~\ "I'll give you television. I'll give you eyes of blue." /~
I'm watching a commercial
~\ "I'll give pasta shaped like bowties to you." /~
This commercial is making me hungry
"Yes, from the Man Who Sold The World, it's DAVID BOWtIE Pasta. Perfect for your Black Tie/White Noise occasion whether you're serving one Space Oddity or a throng of Scary Monsters."
I'm not getting all these references

 

by umfumdisi
4-12-04
Tired of uninspired meals and fatty fast food?
Hey, Mr. Gunderson, what'll it be tonight?
Eh, the usual...Beef Wellington McNocock.
WHOOSH!
Uh, what happened?
It looks like we've been transported to a distant, icy land.
Dats right! And now you can enjoy a quirky taste sensation pulled straight from my pasty flesh--Björk Chops!
Wow, they're even better with BREAD!

 

by umfumdisi
4-12-04
Holy Shitcakes, Des!
What is it, Dot?
Your family will be here in five minutes, and I forgot the bread to go with dinner!
*Ding-Dong* Shit, they're early, I'll get the door.
Where's my husband, and who are you?
I'm the Hardest Working Man In Dough Business, and I'm here to save your buns. Jump back--Unh! All you have to do is open up a pack of my "James Brown N Serve Rolls," baby.

 

by umfumdisi
4-13-04
the Morning Bell awoke me too early. why must i spend my Life In A Glasshouse?
my (radio)head felt Like Spinning Plates and i was hungry as Hunting Bears. i decided to go to market.
it was hard to enter, i had to Pulk/Pull Revolving Doors. next i had to pusg/push my way through the crowd Packt Like Sardines In A Crushd Tin Box.
of course, Pyramid Song was on the over(radio)head muzak. I Might Be Wrong, but i'm pretty sure that was the tune.
luckily i found the (radio)head cheese lady with her Knives Out giving free samples. then i made my way to the beer aisle, but what an Amnesiac...
i'd forgotten my Dollars & Cents! i grabbed a six-pack and headed for the door. the manager blocked the exit, but i screamed, "You And Whose Army is going to stop me?!" and ran back home--i think.

Showing page 11.

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