All comics by four_legged_tripod

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That's not what you are supposed to say to me right now.
I don't know what to say. Obviously you do, so just tell me.
I'm not going to tell you. Try harder.
Um...
Line?

 

What are you giving up for lent?
Ground beef.
That means no McDonald's, no Burger King, and no Wendy's.
That's right.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/01/25/taco-bell-beef-lawsuit_n_813185.html
And I know you can't cook, so what are you going to eat?
Taco Bell.

 

It's the next great thing in sports medicine. The Amazing Crotch Crutch!
What's it for?
Groin pulls. It will give extra support to the groin area, like a third leg.
I don't know, Phil. I've got a bad feeling about this one.
Complaint Dept.
Tell me again how you got a crutch stuck in your uterus.

 

It's the next great thing in bartending. The Amazing Scotch Crotch!
What's it for?
Mixologists. It will give them a third "hand" to hold and pour the liquor.
I don't know, Phil. I've got a bad feeling about this one.
Complaint Dept.
Tell me again how you got a bottle of Maker's Mark stuck in your uterus.

 

Phil, I must say that your obsession with crotch related products is disturbing.
Sir, I've got more ideas. How 'bout the Crotch Watch or the Sasquatch Crotch?
I don't know where this obsession came from but we can't have it here. You're fired!
Fido! I'm home! You can bury your head in my crotch one final time and then I have to quit you.
Oh boy, oh boy! Peanut butter jelly time. Peanut butter jelly time. Peanut butter...

 

Did you know that some Mormons believe that Bigfoot is really Cain from Genesis?
No way.
Really. It says that Cain was a fugitive and vagabond who was to wander the earth and God put a mark on him to deter anyone from killing him.
That's insane! What kind of a whack job would believe that?
I, Mitt Romney, support the rights of loggers to log as much as they want in the Pacific North West.
That's right, cut down all the trees and then I'll have that bastard Sasquatch!

 

Sez here on yer "ree-zo-may" that yer good with animals. The animals here suffer from a lot a stress. What 'n' could ya do fer 'em?
Give them a shot.
Shots! Shots! Shots! Shots!
What the hell happened last night?
I'll be damned. I do feel less stressed after that!

 

So he let you fuck him in the ass?
Yep. Bought me drinks before hand too.
Better not let the pigs find out about this.
Hey, who left this 6 pack of beer on the ground? Oh well, better bend over and pick it up.
Score!!!

 

Look, I appreciate the job offer but after the goat tore off my pants and the chicken swallowed my penis like a worm, I can't handle it here.
But the animals have never been so stress free. The production on the farm has tripled.
I'm sorry, but I just can't.
So yer sayin' alls I had to do was to make sure the sex was consensual?

 

As an intern, I know I need to have a good bedside manner so here's a hospital joke. Where is the only place in the hospital you cannot hide?
I don't know. Where?
In the I. C. U.
Very funny. I'll have to try that one out.
For the last time doctor, this is not the I. C. U.!

 

 

 

 

First word. Man's name. You're pointing to your groin. Balls. Penis. Dick! It's Dick!
Stretch it out. Longer. Long dick. Big dick. The new bag boy at the grocery store. Sam! The first word is Sam!
Time!
The first word was Richard. I was trying to get you to say the long form of the name Dick.
Sorry about that.
By the way, who's Sam?

 

Hey, looks like we're in the first panel.
And now we're in the second panel!

 

Oh my. We've moved on to the third panel.
And now it's the fourth panel.
Oh come on! You've had four panels and no one has been able to say "TEST" yet?

 

15 past the hour and it's time for "Imposible Trivia". Caller 10, these come in a variety of colors but the most common is brown. What are they?
M&Ms?
Nope. Sorry. One more guess.
Uh, wallets?
Close but not quite. The answer we were looking for was African Americans.
That was my next guess!

 

I understand that you guys finally figured out what killed Whitney Houston.
Yep.
You guys did some good work. How did you get it done so fast?
Well, we had a crack team of detectives working the case.

 

Marco!
Polio!

 

Meow?
Uncle Jimmy?
I don't think I'm comfortable anymore listening to your sexual experiences on our first date.

 

Mackerel again.
Sardine sandwich for me.
I'll switch you.
Okay.
Ow! Damn! Where the hell did you get that switch?

 

Would you like any catsup with your fries?
I most certainly would not. I want ketchup.
We don't serve ketchup. Besides, catsup and ketchup are the same thing.
They most certaintly are not! And I don't even want to think about how catsup is made.
Have you ever milked a cat Focker?

 

No sir, I have never milked a cat.
Well if you want to be in the inner circle of trust, Focker, you'll go in the other room and milk my cat.
Meow?
Okay, after I got all of the white milk out of your cat, I was left with this gooey red stuff.
That was a male cat Focker.

 

So catsup is the bloody after ejaculate from a male cat?
Yep.
I'll take a gallon to go.

 

Hey! I need a dick!
I wanna dick something!
Give me a dick!
Come on! Even a tiny dick. I'm begging you!
You've had enough dicks today. I think you're addicted. Come back tomorrow and I might give you another taste of our ice cream.

 

So tell me why you think you'd be a good fit here at Washington Middle School.
Well, I believe the children are our are future. We should teach them well and let them lead the way.
We should show them all the beauty they possess inside. Give them a sense of pride to make it easier. Let the children's laughter remind us how we used to be.
Was your answer quoted "Greatest Love of All" lyrics by Whitney Houston?
Maybe.

 

Peter? Get me Ed McMahon in here pronto!
Hey-O! You summonsed, God?
Yeah. I know I agreed to let you continue TV's Bloopers & Practical Jokes after it was cancelled but this has gone on long enough.
You didn't think the stroke in 2004 was funny? His impaired speech? The fact that it took Jim Henson to move him while he did the New Year's Eve thing?
That was all well and good, but making him work with Ryan Seacrest? Come on! Show some mercy!
Fine. I'll stop being a dick to Dick. Hit the kill switch!

 

So do you have anything special prepared to celebrate tonight?
Shit! What is tonight? It's not her birthday and our anniversary isn't for another couple of months.
Obviously you've forgotten. Fine. I'll just go celebrate on my own.
Damn! Now I'll be in the dog house all week.
Later
Hey. Where did all of the Cheetos go?

 

What's wrong champ? You've been in your room all day.
My girlfriend broke up with me.
I'd give you the ol' "there are plenty of fish in the sea" or the "it's her loss" speech but I think it's better if we stay quiet for a moment.
Why?
"Where are you? I thought you were gonna finish the dishwasher and did you pick up the dog poop outside? Did you remember to pay the water bill?"
Do you understand now?
I do. The misery in your relationship makes me feel much better about my break up.

 

I can't play today. I just broke up with my boyfriend and am emotionally distressed.
There's no crying in baseball!
I can't pitch this inning. My newborn needs fed.
There's no lactating in baseball!
I need to take the rest of the game off. Aunt Flo is in town.
There's no bleeding out of your vagina in baseball!

 

I'm so glad you could make it for Thanksgiving son.
Sure. I hope you don't mind that I brought a friend.
Of course not Billy. Tommy is welcome any time. Why don't you boys go upstairs and get washed up for dinner?
Daddy! I just saw Billy and Tommy in mommy's room. They were rearranging all of her shoes and Tommy was wearing some of them!
Well now that's the queerest thing I've ever heard.

 

Yo, my name is MCA. I'm a rapper not a dancer.
If you got a question you know I got an answer.
I see I fine girl and I'm gonna entrance her
Cuz I'm the king of all romancers.
____________________RIP Adam Yauch
I got so much money I'm the world's financier.
But it don't buy all so I say "Fuck Cancer"!

 

Have I ever told you that you're my best friend?
Aww. That's so sweet. Thank you.
No problem.
Of course I don't have much of a choice since you won't let me hang out with any of my other friends anymore.

 

My Lord, Goober Pyle just showed up.
Who?
You know, George Linsey of the Andy Griffith Show and Mayberry RFD.
I've got Junior Suea and Adam Yauch kickin' it in the VIP room. Nobody wants that hayseed. I know celebrity deaths come in threes but come on!
Find me one guy excited about this.
Shazaam! Shazaam! Shazaam!

 

Did you feel that?
Yeah.
Maurice is gone.
I know.
*sob*
*sob*

 
by four_legged_tripod, 5-08-12

 

I love watching "Survivor" with you. It's like our thing.
I know! But I was wondering, what do they do about their periods while they are on the island?
What?
Their periods. There's no place to flush a tampon. Are they even allowed to bring tampons? Do they just bleed everywhere?
And just like that, I no longer like watching "Survivor" with you.

 

Next!
I'll have a footlong please.
I can't believe I just broke down.
Hey buddy, looks like you could use a "toe"!
How was your day?
I'm beat. I thought we'd just stay in and kick it.

 
by four_legged_tripod, 5-09-12

 

I can't believe that Maurice Sendak has died.
Seriously? Who will the Jacksonville Jaguars replace him with?
Maurice Sendak, not Maurice Jones-Drew.
The girl from E.T. died? Holy crap. I just saw "50 First Dates" last night.
Now you're thinking of Drew Barrymore.
No way! I just called his radio show last night to discuss my green penile discharge.

 

That's Dr. Drew you moron.
The pseudo-shrink on TV just died?
No. Dr. Phil did not just die.
Thank God! I thought he just might after he stopped coaching the Lakers.
That's Phil Jackson you're talking about.
Really? If he did die, who would sit next to J Lo and judge the singers?

 

I think Randy Jackson is just fine where he is. He did not die.
Good. I was hoping he'd put out more songs like "On the Other Hand" and "Forever and Ever Amen".
That's Randy Travis. Randy Travis is not dead.
That's a relief! Blink 182 would never sound the same again.
Now you're talking about Travis Barker.
He died? Wow. Who's gonna remind me to spade and neuter my animals?

 

That's Bob Barker. And while I'm ecstatic that you finally mentioned someone who is actually dead, I wasn't talking about Bob Barker.
You weren't? Good. I was going to make a "french fried potaters" joke but I wasn't sure it would be in good taste.
It wouldn't have been if Billy Bob Thorton had died.
If he had died, who would host the Oscars?
Billy Crystal. Billy Crystal would still host the Oscars.
But he can't now because he's dead?

 

He can still host the Oscars because he's not dead. Billy Crystal is not dead!
You had me worried. "Don't it Make my Brown Eyes Blue" is one of my favorite songs.
Billy Crystal did not sing that. Crystal Gayle sang that.
The co-anchor of "CBS This Morning" could sing?
Maybe Gayle King could sing, I don't know.
I would think with all that hair and having to deal with Mike Tyson, he'd have a few songs.

 

You just changed the subject to Don King. I'm trying to have a conversation about death.
It's a shame he died. I loved him in "Get Smart".
Don King was not in "Get Smart" but Don Adams was. At least he's dead.
You don't have to rub it in. I loved drinking that man!
What man? Samuel Adams? Did you just confuse a dead person for a bottle of beer? Freaking Samuel Adams?
He made beer and also wrote "Waiting for Godot"? What a talented man!

 

Samuel Beckett is talented, but not dead.
Awesome! I love her work on "Castle". Would have been sad if she died.
That's Kate Beckett.
The fashion designer?
Nope. That's Kate Spade.
He died? Thank God! "Rules of Engagement" is horrible!

 

I agree. I would love to see David Spade die, but it did not happen!
This is all too much for me to take in.
What is? You have no idea what we're even talking about.
I need to update Wikipedia.
Hey mom! 22 celebrities just died. They all got eaten by a bunch of Wild Things!

 

Just got off the phone with mom. She's doing her will.
Really?
She said if she ever can't take care of herself she will not go to a home and she refuses to live with my brother. She said she wants to live with us.
Wow.
What the hell did we ever do to deserve that kind of punishment?

 

Ouch!
Ouch!
Ouch!

 

So first Donna Summer died and now Robin Gibb of the Bee Gees is dead.
So what do you think Phil? Is Disco finally dead?
Phil?

Showing page 12.

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