All comics by fpd

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by fpd
9-12-08
I'll tell you what, Doc. If you can beat me at a game of Simon Says, I'll let you shoot and eat me.
Why awight. I'm sure I can beat a dumb wabbit.
Simon says, "Don't shoot me."
I didn't shoot you. Can I shoot and eat you now?
If you shoot me, you'll lose.
Dwat!

 

by fpd
9-13-08
Doctor Manhattan, Ozymandius wants to launch a major attack on New York City and blame it on space aliens.
But Ozymandius is the most intelligent man in the world, Rorshcach, and he has fought evil alongside us many times. Why would he want to do this?
Due to tensions between the United States and the Soviet Union, he thinks it is the only way to unite the world and avert nuclear war.
But what will happen when the space aliens don't arrive? Maybe people will begin to suspect each other of being aliens in disguise.
Maybe Ozymandius is foolish to try to manipulate everyone like this. After all, people read all kinds of different things into things.
I fear his overweening pride in his intelligence has finally exceeded his intelligence. We must stop him before it is too late.

 

by fpd
9-27-08
While out with his pal Charlie the Chatty Cat, Gus Small spots trouble afoot.
Crikey! Will you look at that? This looks like a job for ...
No, no, don't do it! Don't change into ...
Ingesting a mysterious musical fruit he discovered while exploring the bottom of the world, Gus Small transforms into ...
Methane Man!
Cease and desist your villainy, foul miscreant!
Who are you calling foul, you red cut cheese? Peeyoo!

 

by fpd
9-27-08
Kitty Pryde, why did Peter leave me for you? What do you have that I don't?
I have superpowers, Mary Jane. Peter doesn't have to worry about me getting hurt.
Well, now I have superpowers too. I just got myself bitten by a radioactive black widow!
What are you going to do, bite Spidey's head off?
Hey, if I can't have him, no one else should either!
I should reach inside and rip out your heart for that!

 

by fpd
9-27-08
Harvey Dell, cub reporter for the Timely Eclipse news blog.
Mr. President, what's the coolest thing you've ever done as President?
Showing my dad I'm better than him by kicking Saddam's butt! Uh, that's off the record, right?
Nobody knows that he is secretly National Atlas, the DC Marvel.
I stand for truth, justice, and the American way, as defined by the Bush administration!
You're truly this nation's greatest superhero, National Atlas, next to Jesus of course.
What foe will National Atlas face next?
No more war!
Why do you hate America, fiend?!

 

by fpd
10-08-08
So you're purchasing Machiavelli's Guide to Making it with the Honeys.
Yeah, that Machiavelli is great. I read the Prince and just loved it.
And you're getting Lolita 2: Return to Nymphette Land.
Yeah, in that one Lolita is all grown up, and Humbert Humbert meets her daughter Jane.
Sir, are you a pervert?
No way! I'm totally straight!

 

by fpd
10-20-08
Greetings, I am Count Botula.
Would you like some wine?
No, I do not use . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . the Wine API for Linux.
Okay, suit yourself.
Thank you, that suited me very well.

 

by fpd
10-20-08
Trick or Treat!
404 Error. Candy not found.
What?! This is not the internet, dude!
404 Error. Candy not found.
The candy is right over there, Clango!
I know, but he was mean to my cat.

 

by fpd
11-26-08
Before Dances with Wolves, there was Prances with Puppies.
You're having a ball, aren't you?
I sure am. I never knew a ball could be so much fun before.
Oh Mr. Costner, Prances with Puppies is my favoritest film in the whole whole world. What was it like working with Laddie the puppy? He is so cute!
Please kill me now. How much more of this drivel can I take from little girls who love puppy dogs?
Kevin, how about a sequel to Prances with Puppies? We'll call it Doing the Charleston with Kitties.
Please, can't I do a serious film for adults, one that will get me laid by women instead of mobbed by little girls with visions of unicorns and puppies?

 

by fpd
11-30-08
What do you think the worst way to die is?
To realize on your deathbed that your life has amounted to nothing and your death is just random and arbitrary with no meaning or significance.
Would it make your death better if you knew your flesh would provide me with a tasty treat?
I can't say that it would.
How about if I told you that your misery and suffering has filled my life with untold glee. Would you then feel that your life has amounted to something and die happy?
I don't know what to say. I didn't know I meant so much to you.

 

by fpd
11-30-08
Hi Rat, welcome to heaven!
Are you sure this is heaven? I mean, how heavenly can it be if you're here, Pig?
Oh, it's great fun, Rat. You're just in time to join the heavenly choir in singing the Arky Arky song.
I think I'll pass.
The animals, the animals / They came in by twosie, twosies / The animals, the animals, / They came in by twosie, twosies / Elephants and kangaroosie, roosies / Children of the Lord
Kill me now. Oh, right, I'm already dead.

 

by fpd
12-06-08
May I just say what a genius idea this contest was. Anyone could have come up with lying for a theme, but to require the splitter or blacker background and me as the liar was true genius.
What I really love about it is that I get way more speaking lines than I usually get, and that gives me the space to express my gratitude and shear admiration for this wonderful contest idea.
I can't believe the unimaginativeness of that cat blood person who wants you to eat your rules. I bet lots of people will enter your contest, because your rules are so great.
Say, speaking of your rules, I have been so focused on getting the right backgrounds and taking the time to express my admiration that I have not yet gotten around to telling a lie.
How's this for a lie? Ghostrider is not the coolest superhero ever!

 

by fpd
1-07-09
What was it like in the old days?
Well, back when I was your age, we had something called the Internet, but on June 1st 2009 the Pulse disabled all the world's computers.
What were computers for?
We used them to write comic strips that would be read by a few people we would never meet about risque topics we would never bring up in polite conversation.
Is that what you get nostaligic about? It seems pretty dumb to me. In these modern times, we have marvels like the Cirque de Manticore. Can the Internet compare to that?
Men used to be able to pretend to be girls. They were good times.

 

by fpd
1-20-09
Johnny, would you mind flaming off?
Why, Bruce? Am I too much of a man for you this way? Are you jealous of me when you're puny Boner instead of the Bulk?
Bah! Bulk Bash Puny Smog!
Oops!
Johnny, didn't I tell you you wouldn't like me when I'm angry?
Sorry, I got confused, because I didn't think you would have ripped off TV's David Banner so blatantly.

 

by fpd
1-20-09
Oh my gosh, who did this to you darling?
It was the FPD, the Federation for the Pummeling of Dipshits. I'm sure I deserved it.
This is awful. No one, and I mean no one gets to beat the dabien out of you but me!
Yes, the FPD explained to me that there is no honor in letting a woman beat the crap out of me. I should only let other men do it.
Oooh! I'm going to do my part to stomp out the FPD. Yes, I am!
Thank you, dear. It just wasn't the same getting my ass kicked by a man. I much prefer your womanly touch.

 

by fpd
2-02-09
Saints & Samaritans: The RPG
Walking down the road, you spot a beaten, unconscious man lying by the side of the road.
I apply a healing salve. I roll a 7.
He regains 7 hit points, but he is still in poor shape.
I take him to the inn and pay the innkeeper to look after him while he recovers. I promise the innkeeper I'll come back later to look in on him and pay for any further expenses.
Excellent. You gain 50 experience points for your act of compassion.
Only 50? C'mon now, a beautiful act of compassion like this deserves at least 700 experience points! You are really cheating me, man. I am so disapointed in you. Really.

 

by fpd
2-02-09
Hello, caller. Welcome to Coast to Coast AM.
HOW DARE YOU, Mr. Bell! HOW DARE YOU!
Is that you, JC?
YOU'RE GOING TO HELL, Mr. Bell, TO HELL, YOU AND GEORGE AND IAN AND YOUR WHOLE GANG OF BALASPHEEMIZERS UNLESS YOU REPENT AND FOLLOW ME!!!
Do tell, and what have we done this time, JC?
Your PIZZA PUNCH has HELLman's mayonaise in it, and IT IS FOOD PORNOGRAPHY! YOU DISGUSTICATE ME, Mr. Bell, and I will expose you as a MINION of SATAN!

 

by fpd
3-14-09
OMG! That bastard fed the girl he kidnapped to his dogs!
Tastes like chicken.
You monster! How could you do this!?
Well, you see, Rorschach, I wanted to get your attention to, um, ask you, Would you marry me?
Dammit! Now it's going to be a hate crime when I give you the justice you deserve!
Hate crime? Justice? Those are euphemisms for sex, right?

 

by fpd
3-14-09
Janey, I'm going to ask you to marry me.
Sure, John, I would love to marry you and become Mrs. Manhattan.
We'll stay together until the mid-70's, when I will leave you for Sally Jupiter's little girl Laurie, because you'll be getting old but I won't.
What?
Then you'll hate and resent me for the rest of your life, which will be cut short by cancer. I know you will say yes. Will you marry me, Janey?
Aaaaah!!!!

 

by fpd
10-19-09
Trick or Treat!
Oh, I love your Dr. Manhattan costume! Is that real? Please come inside for your treat.
We interrupt this strip to protest the filthy, lecherous turn it has taken. Halloween should be about good, clean fun!
And candy! Halloween is a time to visit Puff the Magic Dragon and know ecstacy! C'mon, gimme some orange sunshine already!
Wow, lady, that treat of yours has turned me gay!
You silly foreigners with your bad English! I think you meant to say my treat has made you happy.

 

by fpd
10-22-09
Happy Halloween, Hulkster, old boy!
I'm not the Hulk. I came as a ripped Brainiac 5, because Suzy is coming to this party as Supergirl.
No way, dude! We came to this party as Comet the Superhorse, because we plan to have a wild time with Suzy!
Let me warn you about the guy who has his head up your butt. He's either more desperate to make it with Suzy than you are, or he's just where he wants to be, right now.
Suzy, I overheard some dweebs at the party saying that you came as Supergirl, but I didn't recognize that white costume you wore.
You had sex with me WITHOUT KNOWING I was dressed as POWERGIRL, Supergirl's Earth-2 counterpart?! I feel so cheap and used!

 

by fpd
11-03-09
Hey, Johann Reeking Bach, you're going to go baroque the way you keep playing Guitar Hero.
I don't REEK man, I ROCK. And I have all the quarters I need to keep on rocking!
I'll bet. You rock like a regular Joe Bacharach.
Hey, I like that! Bock-a-Rock! I'm Joe Bock-a-Rock, cause I ROCK and I BOCK!
That's bocking, man. Do you know the way to San Jose? I'm outta here.
What do I look like? Joe freaking phone book? Bock you! I'm ROCKING OUT!

 

by fpd
11-04-09
Working for you Joe makes it feel like the third Reich is back.
That's so not cool. Do you know what the Nazis did to people like me?
They put people like you in charge of the concentration camps?
No, they rounded up people like me, took their businesses away, and debased and murdered them in the concentration camps.
I'm sorry. I should have realized you were Jewish when you made us work on Christmas.
Jewish? No. But the Nazis hated the Jews for being successful businessmen - SUCCESSFUL BUSINESSMEN LIKE ME.

 

by fpd
11-09-09
That Matsui is something else! Japan could not have given anything better to the Yankees!
Absolutely! Matsui is the best Japanese export to ever come to America.
Oh, such artistry, such intensity! There are no borders on what that Matsui can do! No borders!
You're singing to the choir, my man. Such beauty, such sensuality!
Hey, I love baseball, but I'm not gay for the guy!
Baseball? You must be tripping, man. The subject was jazz, and she's all woman, man, not a man.

 

by fpd
11-09-09
Hideki, people have been so impressed with what you have done for the Yankees that they think you may have superpowers.
Indeed I do, Maury. Just throw some cold water on me, and you'll see what they are.
Will do.
What a superpower! You've turned into a woman, and you're even hotter than my own wife, Connie Chung.
But of course. You wouldn't expect anything less from the Yankee's MVP, would you?

 

by fpd
11-09-09
Hideki, now that I know cold water will turn you into a woman, I finally have a reason to take an interest in baseball. I want to go to home plate with you, if you know what I mean.
I know what you mean, and ew, that's just disgusting.
I know you are confused, because you are sometimes a man, but let me assure you that nothing is so sweet and beautiful as sex between a tentacle monster and a woman.
Help! I need hot water, stat! Hot water! I need some hot water now!
Let my hot love juices satisfy you, my dear. Who knows what they'll turn you into? Wouldn't it be a fabulous romantic discovery to find out?

 

by fpd
11-15-09
Horrible Hentai! I turn into blonde white woman! How could this happen?
That would be me, my darling. While you slept, I experimented with what my various secretions would change you into.
You no right! I not your prayboy! Or praygirl! Or whatever. Stay away from me! Understand?
So you don't want to be a blonde. Okay. I've learned how to change you into many things. Maybe you'd like to be a hot black woman or a sexy rabbit woman?
You go! I get my bat and swing hard! You no fool around with Yankee MVP batter!

 

by fpd
11-15-09
Okay, I think I get it, and I'm sorry, but I don't like it at all.
No care! You go!
You're saying you're going to swing your bat, which is just a euphemism for gay sex. I'm sorry, but I don't swing that way. I only do women, not men.
You no understand! I Yankee MVP batter! I slam you with baseball bat! Kill you!
I appreciate your passion, I really do. But to have sex with you while you are a man is just too loathsome and unnatural for me to consider. This could be a deal breaker.
I get bat now! No more you!

 

by fpd
11-15-09
Who are you? Is Hideki cheating on me?
No! I your husband, woman. Stupid man-thing turn me into blonde! Where my bat? I slug him to Tim Buck Two.
Now, before you do anything rash, let me go have a talk with him, okay?
Alright. I take hot shower and become man again.
Now you know, this form has its possibilities. Maybe you could hold off on that shower for a little while?
You like it? Well, I guess I am sort of hot right now. I mean, check out this rack, it's bigger than what I normally have as a woman.

 

by fpd
11-18-09
Oh, hello. My, my husband didn't tell me how handsome you are.
Your husband? Pardon me, Mrs. Matsui, I didn't know Hideki was married.
Well, he is. What is your interest in my husband?
Please, I have no interest in him as your husband. When you are man and wife, he is all yours. I am only interested in her as a woman.
What century are you from? Are you saying that marriage is valid only between a man and a woman and not between two women or two men?
Yes, a gay marriage is not a marriage at all but a vile abomination. When Hideki is a woman, she is unmarried and so fair game.

 

by fpd
11-18-09
Tell me, why the interest in Hideki? With all of us full-time women in the world, why not one of us?
I have had so much trouble relating to the female mind. I figured Hideki would know what a man wants, which would make him the best of both worlds. A woman who thinks like a guy.
I can relate to that. For me, Hideki is the best of both worlds, because I like both women and men. With my husband, I get both in one happy marriage.
Ew! I am revolted by your sexual perversion!
What? You don't even get turned on by lesbian porn?
It is my secret shame that lesbian sex does arouse me. I worry that this makes me gay, and all I can do to avoid this worry is throw myself into straight sex with the utmost passion.

 

by fpd
11-18-09
Sometimes love is not about gay or straight. Hideki loves me as a straight man when he's a man and as a lesbian when she's a woman. The love is the same.
Love? I know a man and a woman can make love, but two people of the same sex can only fornicate like beasts.
Love is not sex. When two people are in love, sex becomes a sacred rite shared between them. Love can make sex sacred, but sex alone cannot make love.
I don't get it. Having sex is called making love. I have dedicated my whole life to love, making it with one woman after another.
Love has to come first. It is natural for me to be turned on by a sexy tentacle monster, such as yourself, but having sex with you would not be as meaningful as it would be with my spouse.
I think I'm beginning to understand. You totally want me, and you're trying to rationalize away your passionate longing to make love with me.

 

by fpd
11-18-09
I think your problem is that you don't respect women. Hideki used to have that problem.
What happened?
He once caged some bondage fairies, and they put a curse on him that cold water would turn him into a woman.
I know some bondage fairies.
They said to him, if you like lesbian sex and bukkake so much, you can experience it from a woman's perspective.
They said to me, hey did you see that guy on the Maury Povich show? Cold water changes him into a woman.

 

by fpd
11-18-09
Oh, how cute! You look just like Pfil would as a human! I should shrink you down and make love with you right now! But I won't, because it would break the curse.
It used to be fun being a woman, Pamila, but now I'm getting harrassed by this stupid tentacle monster. Tell me what to do to end this curse.
If you make love with a man, whether human, insect, or tentacle monster, and thorougly enjoy it, it will break the curse.
An insect? Are you kidding me?
What's wrong with that? Pfil and I do it with insects all the time?
No! No insects, no tentacle monsters, and no men! I prefer women!

 

by fpd
11-18-09
There is another way to break the curse. You can have a baby.
So if I just have a baby with my wife, the curse will end? I can do that.
No, you have to carry and give birth to the baby yourself.
But what would happen if I turned back into a man while I was pregnant?
The baby would die.
Is there no other way to break the curse?

 

by fpd
11-18-09
There is one more way to break the curse. You can be bukkaked on by an entire baseball team.
Yuck! That is just too disgusting and humiliating!
You don't have to enjoy it. Just doing it will break the curse.
You know, I think I can stand being a woman. My wife loves me like this, and I'll just stand up to the tentacle monsters who try to harrass me.
Very good. You have learned an important lesson today.
Yes, I've realized that being a man makes it so much easier to bear being a woman.

 

by fpd
5-31-10
You know, the Vampire Diaries is doing well. Let's do a knock off of that.
Yes, but let's do it without the vampires. Something more family friendly.
What do you have in mind? Werewolves? Ghosts? Fairies?
No, just people. The Vampire Diaries is essentially the story of an old man dating a teenage girl, but the supernatural crap creeps some people out.
So an old man goes back to high school and starts dating a cheerleader. Nosiree, nothing creepy about that.
Yeah, and his older brother also falls in love with her, but only after butchering some of her classmates and seducing another cheerleader.

 

by fpd
5-31-10
Prequels are big business. Think of Clone Wars, Enterprise, Smallville, and Caprica. Let's do a prequel.
What should we do a prequel of?
How about the Andy Griffith Show? It will start out with Andy and Barney as boys and show how they eventually become sheriff and deputy.
Will it be a comedy like the original?
No, it will tell the tragic backstory of growing up during the depression, fighting in World War II, and the heart-wrenching loss of Andy's wife.
Let him get in a love triangle with a young Lucy Ricardo, and we'll have outselves a winner.

 

by fpd
6-11-10
Doh!
Ha, ha! That Homer Simpson sure is a one-note character!
What about me? Me, me, me, me, me, me!!!!
What about you?
I want to be a one-note character too! Me, me, me, me, me!!!!
But just last week, Dee, you wanted to join the Korean pop group Girls Generation. You know they won't let you in if you sing only one note. -- Unless maybe it's G.

 

by fpd
6-11-10
I'm going to join Girls Generation. Me! And I'm going to be the star! Me, me, me!!!
So what?
Girls Generation is the greatest KPOP group in the world, with songs like Gee and Oh! When they hear me sing, they'll have to make me the star of the band. Me, beautiful little me. Me, me, me.
So? Who cares about KPOP? Who cares about girls? So friggin what?
Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me!!
So, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, soooo what?

 

by fpd
6-11-10
And that's why you can't skateboard in the street, young man. It's the law!
So what? Who cares about the friggin law?
It's the law. Don't you understand? The law! The law!
So?
It's the law, dammit, the law! Don't you kids have any respect for the law? Law, law, law!
So, so, so?

 

by fpd
6-18-10
Girls Generation rejected me. Can you believe it? ME!
So what? Does it really matter? In the end, we all die anyway.
I'll bet they were jealous of me! When they heard me sing, every one of them was jealous of me, jealous of my superior talent, afraid that all the limelight would fall on me.
So? Isn't everyone jealous of someone? And what does it get us in the end? Just tears and frustration.
But I don't need them! I'm so much better than them, I'm going to rock the world with my own band, Me Generation, with me singing all the parts. It will be me and me and me and me and ....
So what? So you'll be one band among many, and many more will come after you. And your fame will be like a speck in one small speck of the vast universe. So, what does it matter?

 

by fpd
6-18-10
We won! We won this contest, all thanks to me! I was the greatest one-note character ever! ME!
This contest isn't over, Dee, and it is against the law to lie.
Huh? What law?
The categorical imperative. We should never do what we cannot universally legislate everyone should do, and we cannot universally legislate lying.
I universally legislate that everyone love me! And worship me! And do my bidding!
That's not how it works. The categorical imperative binds us all to the same law, universally legislatable by anyone. One law for all.

 

by fpd
6-18-10
We won! We won this contest, all thanks to me, the greatest one-note character of all time! Me, all thanks to me, me, me!!!!!
So? What is one contest in the struggle for life? We win some, we lose some, and then we die.
Me! I did it! I amazed what's-his-face, the guy who started this contest, with my sheer and total awesomeness!
So what? That just means you won't be able to win the next contest.
Aren't you at all happy to be teamed up in this contest with someone as awesome as me?! Without me, where would you be? You should be kissing my feet, you ungrateful toad!
So what if we won? It's just one small victory in a sea of losses, surrounded by an eternity of nothingness on all sides. Win or lose, it makes no difference at all.

 

by fpd
6-18-10
What am I doing in jail? How could this happen? To ME!? How could this happen TO ME!!!?
I warned you, but you continued to lie about winning this contest.
Lying? Haven't you heard of the power of positive thinking? Of the law of attraction? By thinking of myself as a winner, I will win!!
La dee da. The Governor's rule is law here, and he wasn't too happy with your disingenuous display of dishonesy, little miss liar.
That talentless hack! If he can recognize talent at all, I'm sure to win. Just you wait and see! I will be vindicated when I win this contest!!! VINDICATED!!!
The law is the law, and you are a liar. And even if you do win, what does it get you if you break the law? Win or lose, the true winners are those who follow the law.

 

by fpd
6-27-10
In however many years, the Governor will be dead, and he will be where he belongs, in Hell, where he will be tormented by big nad-faced demons, and proactive ones, not just passive-aggressive ones.
Are you saying that the Governor is the moral equivalent of the Pope by paraphrasing Sabina Guzzanti's criticism of him?
Worse. The Pope is repressing people who are not me, for I am not gay, but the Governor had the audacity to favor a nad-faced idiot over me, the greatest one-note character ever.
But aren't you in love with yourself? Doesn't that make you gay by virtue of being the same sex as your true love?
You're right. I am so gay for myself. But I'm not gay. I want all handsome men to service me. But I'm so gay for myself. But I'm not gay. And oh I love myself so much! I want me to have my own babies!
And that's how to make a one-note character's mind juggle.

 

by fpd
6-27-10
You're under arrest for juggling, for that's the law, and the law is law.
I would kind of think that balancing myself on a single exercise ball with my feet is the opposite of juggling.
The law defines juggling as a balancing act, which is against the Governor's law, for balanced characters cannot be one-note characters.
You're damn right I'm not a one-note character. I am deep and complex. I juggle all kinds of things in my life: school, work, my secret identity as a superhero, and my many girlfriends.
Ah ha! So you admit it. You're going down, lawbreaker. Because that's the law!
Dude, one-note characters was last contest. This one is about juggling. You don't have to be so one-note anymore, or is that too much for you to juggle in your mind?

 

by fpd
6-27-10
Well, I lost the previous contest, and without the purpose that being a one-note character gave me, life is feeling pretty meaningless. Could things get any worse?
HEYYYY JOHN LAW! I GOTS NADS ON MY FACE!!
You're going down! Hands behind your head! I'm arresting you for indecent exposure!
I CAN JUGGLE 'EM TOO. WANNA SEE?
HEAVENS, NO! It's bad enough to lose to the likes of you! Do not make things worse by making me witness such OBSCENITY!!!
NADS! NADS! NADS! NADS! NADS! SAY IT WITH ME! AND WATCH 'EM FLY!

 

Hello, I'm Nanny Telly, here to cheer up and entertain the kids for hours and hours while their parents are too busy for them.
You know, I love it, I love it, and you're absolutely hired! Just not for the movie, because the theatres might not want to carry the movie. But, yes, we'll be working together very closely.
by fpd, 7-08-10

 

Trust me, Walt, no inanimate object is more fun than a Unix terminal. The kids will be thrilled by my crazy hijinks.
I'm a visionary. I really am. But computers and terminals? Kids can't relate to that! It's not realistic enough.
by fpd, 7-09-10

Showing page 12.

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