All comics by ivytheplant

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by ivytheplant
4-28-04
Meanwhile, back at the water cooler...
Wow! Honorable Ninja!
Hush! Honorable Ninja has received word of your investigation. I have shocking news for you!
Oooo! This is so exciting!
Be quiet! There is cereal. Dishonorable cereal made of Oreo cookies! Beware! Cereal Kingpins watching you closely!
Whoa...
Ninja! Vanish! Shop Honorable Ninja Used Cars!

 

by ivytheplant
4-29-04
Back at the CerealBusters HQ...
Smack 'Em to Corn Popper, come in!
*crackle* You rang?
Be advised, Cereal Kingpins watching our every move. On my way to Oreo cookie cereal investigation now.
*crackle* Roger that, Smack 'Em. *crackle*
Can I get a better communicator? Like a Bond watch? This mike is too akward.
*crackle* There's not enough *crackle* in the budget after we bought the jetskis. *crackle*

 

by ivytheplant
5-01-04
Checking out.
Let's see..."High Yield Explosives," "Making Your Own Ammunition," "Rocket Launchers For Beginners," and "Targeting Systems Simplified." Planning to take out a few armored trucks, are we?
Nah. I decided sterilization and exile didn't work, so I'm just going to annihilate the stupid people instead.
A rocket launcher is a bit overkill, don't you think?
My motto is "Nuke them from orbit. It's the only way to be sure."
Next time an idiot comes in here, I'll be sure to send them your way.

 

by ivytheplant
5-05-04
Is there any reason you have the Mars rover in the backyard?
I'm modifying it for use as a passenger vehicle.
Do I even want to know?
Think of how cool it'll be to drive the Mars rover to the grocery store.
And when the government wants their multi-billion dollar equipment back?
No habla Inglès.

 

by ivytheplant
5-05-04
Hey, Atheist Diary seems to have replaced you for a character called "Midnite."
Interesting...
1,044 miles later...
Are you Midnite?
Yes.
Replace me, will you!
Eeeexcellent. Now for some strategically placed oil...

 

by ivytheplant
5-07-04
I have a new pet.
What is it?
A venus flytrap.
Why would you get one?
I'm going to grow it really big and then plant it outside so it will eat the small children who plague this neighborhood.
When you go to hell, can I have your stereo?

 

by ivytheplant
5-10-04
Job interview...
What about the Spring 2004 semester did you enjoy the most?
Facing challenges and overcoming them.
My mother...
What was your favorite part of school?
Hrm...my planetary class. That was the coolest.
Friends...
How'd the semester go?
Sweet evil Jesus! I'm glad it's OVER!

 

by ivytheplant
5-10-04
I need to find a reference on how to care for an AK-47.
We don't carry anything like that.
Yes you do. There's a whole weapons reference set sitting right next to you.
That's my personal collection.
I'll take out some of your idiotic patrons.
I expect to see the sidewalk running with blood.

 

by ivytheplant
5-17-04
Why is Ivy cackling with glee?
She just fed some crickets to her Venus Flytrap.
It's big enough to eat crickets now??
She said something about a special fertilizer.
Hey, where'd her uranium collection go?

 

by ivytheplant
5-18-04
What's up?
Reading the news. Apparently they saved Hitler's ass.
What in the hell would anyone want that for?
Says here it's already been used in facial reconstruction surgery...
Laura, does this make my head look fat?
For the last time, you look fine!

 

by ivytheplant
5-18-04
1) You buy unpopular sets "just for the specialty pieces."
How many "Young Ankylosaurus" sets do you need?
As many as it takes. Help me take these to the checkout.
2) You refer to your paycheck as the Lego Budget.
Payday! Time to go to BrickLink!
3) Your Legos are separated by shape, size, and color into plastic organizers.
DA-YAM. I thought you were kidding!
Each organizer is also stacked by it's relative availability.

 

by ivytheplant
5-18-04
1) You've ever built a Lego cat house.
Absolutely not.
You sit in dirty dishpans! Why not this?
2) You watch the Lego scene from Monty Python and the Holy Grail for the Legos, not the movie itself.
Pure genius...
o/^ "We're knights of the Round Table!" o/^
3) You've made a list of Lego sets you would like to see and sent the letter to Lego HQ..
Okay, write all this down "Dear Sir/Madam. I would very much like to see the following Lego sets: Star Trek, Stargate, Batman, Nuclear power plant..."

 

by ivytheplant
5-22-04
argh.
what's wrong.
my keyboard is being fixed and i have no backup. i have to use key caps to type and there's no shift key w/out the keyboard.
geez. how long did it take you to make this comic.
sob.

 

by ivytheplant
5-22-04
I see you got a new keyboard.
Yeah, just a temporary one though. I'm waiting to get a special ordered keyboard similar to my old one.
What's wrong with this one? It's cool.
It's too big and has too many gadgets. I just want the basics.
21st century calling Ivy: Get your ass in over here.
Oh sure, next you'll be telling me that my phonograph is outdated.

 

by ivytheplant
5-24-04
In Theory
Happy birthday!
Oh! Dead crickets! You shouldn't have!
In the Real World
Merry Christmas!
Yay. I've always wanted a Lego space shuttle.
In My World
Happy Black Mass!
Didn't you give me this book last year?

 

by ivytheplant
5-24-04
1. Heckle critically-acclaimed romance movies.
She should kill the dishonorable man and leave with his ex-best friend-turned-samurai.
2. Pretend to be a messiah.
Repent ye sinners for I have come to share God's great word with all the badgers of the world!
Aren't you supposed to wear pants?
3. Eat carbs in front of the Atkins crowd.
Fruit or bread?
Bring both. We might need to use some as weapons.

 

by ivytheplant
5-25-04
I need help. I have to go to a job interview at a law office and all the clothes I have are either casual or formal.
So wear the casual.
By "casual" I mean what I usually wear.
Oh, you mean your Eternal Laundry Day ensemble?
Pfah. You're no help. I'm gonna go ask the cats.
How would lawyers feel about an interviewee in velvet and sequins?

 

by ivytheplant
5-25-04
How'd your interview go?
Good I hope. My hair was still wet and I was wearing a shirt that was a bit too tight in the busoms. Keep your fingers crossed. This is a great job.
What do you get?
Health insurance, salary, and I get to be a receptionist/filing clerk.
*sob!* I'm losing you to mmyers!
Don't be sad, I'm working with dinosaurs on the weekends.

 

by ivytheplant
5-25-04
1. The Titanic will raise itself and haunt me.
ARGH!
Just pretend I'm a ship.
2. Graboids will erupt from the ground to devour me.
Hrm...I could use a second-story apartment right about now...
3. Stripcreator never having a single comic with the word "graboid" in it.
Whew! Talk about a narrowly averted disaster!
[submitting comic]

 

by ivytheplant
5-25-04

 

by ivytheplant
5-26-04
[o/^ dun dun dunnnn! o/^]
What the fuck??
I'm so embarrassed for the Star Trek fandom. The Enterprise season finale ended with Alien Hitler.
Not every show can live up to your standards.
You didn't hear me. I said "ALIEN HITLER!!!"
Right, I'll go get the sniper rifles.

 

by ivytheplant
5-27-04
How much cat hair would it take to make a pair of mittens?
??
I wonder what would happen if I threw this toy mousie and then made the floor frictionless after the cats started running?
!
How come I find out a substance is carcinogenic AFTER I spray it liberally around my apartment?
That's it, I'm calling the ASPCA.

 

by ivytheplant
5-30-04
["Did you even watch the Enterprise finale? It wasn't "Alien Hitler", it was an alien Totenkopfverbande SS officer. I mean, he didn't even have a moustache!"]
Yes I always make a point of wasting time to learn every uniform used by the Nazi party and any they might use in an alternate timeline that involves aliens just because I happen to see a bad Trek ep.
[Insert something asinine here.]
Besides, did the alien really look like he was capable of growing a mustache?
[More pointless drivel.]
Fuck it. I'm getting the golf club.

 

by ivytheplant
5-30-04
*snip snip snip*
*iron iron iron*
You know, there is a limit to how many patches one can put on a pair of pants. Just let them go.
NEVER! They're the Perfect Pants!! I will keep them until nothing's left BUT patches if I must!

 

by ivytheplant
5-30-04
Hook this hose up to the faucet, will you? I need to clean myself off before I come in.
Good heavens! You're completely muddy! What have you been doing?
I started a garden in the backyard but then uncovered bones from many different carcasses. I'm now excavating them.
This wouldn't happen to have anything to do with the disappearance of that large Mormon family that was destroying your museum yesterday, would it?
Why do you automatically blame me for these things?
Because I know you.

 

by ivytheplant
5-30-04
She's been out there for hours.
She's ignoring us. We are annoyed.
I'm starting to think she watches too much CSI.
Anything that takes her away from her feline duties is a waste of time.
I don't think we have enough soap in here to keep up with her.
If she dares touch us with those filthy hands, we shall shred her Perfect Pants!

 

by ivytheplant
6-02-04
Hey, someone rated you as "Not funny."
That's nice.
Aren't you going to go all psycho on them with your golf club?
Not really. Everyone's entitled to their opinion.
Who are you and what have you done with my sister?
Don't be silly. I may be a cold heartless bitch bent on world domination, but I'm not stupid. By the way, have you seen my crossbow?

 

by ivytheplant
6-03-04
I need the collected works of the classical masters and jazz gods.
What are you doing with those?
I'm going to distill their essences into bullets and shoot the idiots who listen to Nickelback and other bad bands.
Will that make them smarter or just kill them.
Eh. Either way it gets the job done.
I'll get you a handtruck.

 

by ivytheplant
6-12-04
"I logged in a few hours too late. Please reinstate Feline Dominion and Money Whores. Thanks."
[send...]
Now to do some work...
[surfing porn...]
22 hours later...
What th--?
"Feline Dominion has been restored but Money Whores will not be as it constitutes as an offensive name.""

 

by ivytheplant
6-12-04
"Why is it considered offensive? I've had that nation for some time now (longer than I've had this one, as a matter of fact) and I haven't received a single complaint."
[type type]
"In fact, I've received many compliments about it. The nation is super capitalist/corporate. It's a satire. It's hardly an offensive name."
[type typpity type]
"And if it indeed is so offensive, why was it allowed to be created in the first place? I protest this."
[type]

 

by ivytheplant
6-12-04
"Offensive is all subjective. Had someone named their nation "Enron Executives," some members of my family would deem that very offensive."
[type type]
"Would you prefer the nation is renamed "The Capitalist Splendor of Money Hookers," "The Capitalist Splendor of Money Prostitutes," or "The Capitalist Splendor of Money Ladies-Of-The-Evening?""
[type typpity type]
"Though honestly, I would find the last one offensive as it indicates that only women are prostitutes."
[type]

 

by ivytheplant
6-12-04
6 hours later...
Ooo! reply!
"These names are acceptable, but 'whores' is not as it has been deemed offensive to members of this site. It will not be restored."
Oh fer cryin' out loud! Brad's filter doesn't deem it offensive!
Though it still filters "Saturday"...
[preparing for war...]

 

by ivytheplant
6-12-04
Okay, another reply...This is gonna be long and complicated, Ivy-style!
[winces]
"By who? Was there a poll taken among members? Or just moderators?"
""Hookers," "Prostitutes," and "Ladies-Of-The-Evening" are just as offensive as "Whores" if you want to get picky. As a female, I find "Ladies-Of-The-Evening" especially offensive."
[adds venom...]

 

by ivytheplant
6-12-04
"The Capitalist Splendor of Money Whores was a satire of corporate-run government. If you look at my region, every nation is distinct in its type of government as a satire on that type."
"f you refuse to reinstate the nation of Money Whores because of a bull belief of an offensive name, then I demand that the government type "Corporate Bordello" also be stricken from NationStates."
"It is just as offensive as "whores," perhaps more so, since the word "whore" has become a very general word meaning "A person considered as having compromised principles for personal gain.""
[feels processor straining...]

 

by ivytheplant
6-12-04
"Not just as a sexual situation. The root of the word "whore" is also related to the Latin "dear," as a derivative which has further evolved into words like "cherish," and "caress.""
"In Sanskrit, the root of "whore" is also used to talk about "love" and "lovemaking," not just something negative."
""Bordello," on the other hand, is specific to places engaging in sexual misconduct and other sexual actions.""
[bookmarks www.bordello-of- whores.com]

 

by ivytheplant
6-12-04
"Basically, a person can whore themselves out to their company in return for lots of money, but a "corporate bordello" is nothing more than a brothel run by the company."
"If you remove "Money Whores," then you MUST remove "Corporate Bordello." Also, other nations with vague names that might be considered offensive to members must also be removed."
"This includes any detrimental names concerning politicians and celebrities, references to genitalia, bias towards race, gender, class, creed, and to hotpants, as I deem those extremely offensive."
[oh hell...]

 

by ivytheplant
6-12-04
"Bottom line is there's something offensive to everyone and it's the smart people who not only understand that, but allow those things to exist..."
"because to try and eliminate everything that's offensive will leave us with nothing but a rock and unused tissue."
"So, if you still refuse to reinstate "Money Whores," then I do demand you remove "Corporate Bordello." Otherwise, it is unfair. The end."
[sends...]

 

by ivytheplant
6-13-04
Let's see if the Moderators have responded to my last request.
"Our decision stands."
Okay, those bastards are goin' DOWN!
Crap...

 

by ivytheplant
6-13-04
"Your decision is flawed and I intend to campaign for the reinstatement of The Capitalist Splendor of Money Whores or the removal of Corporate Bordello."
[sending to Moderators...]
"Dear Mr. Barry, I just thought I would make a formal complaint about the actions of your moderators..."
10 minutes later...
..."and I am glad this isn't the fabled 2.0, which I intend to subscribe to because I would be rather pissed at this point. Thank you for your consideration. IvyThePlant, Queen of Ivytopia."
[sends to NationStates creator...]

 

by ivytheplant
6-13-04
Now to update the regional factbook entry: "Beware the NationStates Moderators for their power has corrupted them! Their cowardly lot has caused The Capitalist Splendor of Money Whores to become a..."
"desolate No Man's Land in the name of ethnic purity. The 3+ billion citizens were forcibly removed from their homeland and are now refugees in the other nations of the SGC."
"We at the SGC condemn the NationStates Moderators for their heinous act and will continue to fight to restore the lost land of the TCSoMW. Send a message to the NSM: Your bigotry won't be tolerated!"
[posts]

 

by ivytheplant
6-14-04
So what's the latest scoop on the lameness at NationStates?
I got sick of being ignored, so as a protest, all the nations in the SGC are changing their names to something with the word "whores" in it.
Aren't you afraid all the nations will get banned?
I posted a message stating the name change was a protest statement and if they banned us then there'd be hell to pay.
I'm gonna go make my own nation. The Holy Empire of AssFuckers should do it.
You might want to use a couple asterisks there. Pun intended.

 

by ivytheplant
6-15-04
I created a new nation today.
I fear this.
The Community of Bordello Employees. The flag is a photo of an old west prostitute.
Oh lord...
Maybe they'll stop being assholes now.
Don't count on it. They have power.

 

by ivytheplant
6-15-04
Money Whores has been retured to me.
Really? Wow. Did they give a reason?
Of course not. Then they'd have to admit they were wrong.
Guess everything's back to normal.
Yeah. Too bad. I was kinda having fun defying their will.
Let's just be thankful that no one got incinerated this time.

 

by ivytheplant
6-15-04
Hey, you just got another rating. "I wish I had some weed killer."
Interesting...
That sounds like a threat.
Yes it does. Be right back.
Somewhere...
[type type] "Fire the filing cle--"
AAAAIIIIEEE!!!

 

by ivytheplant
6-15-04
What's mom doing in there?
Shaving her legs.
Why in the world would she want to remove her fur?
Men find it more attractive than hair.
You--you DOGS!!
Hey! No need to lay it on all of us!

 

by ivytheplant
6-16-04
With apologies to mmyers...
Is that a REEEAAAL dinosaur?
Yes he is. The dark colored bones are real, and the light colored bones are casts we made to fill in the missing pieces.
Cooooool! Do you think dinosaurs can be cloned and brought back to life?
Oh I hope so!
Really?
Yeah. I can't wait for a TRex to rampage itself down a crowded city street.

 

by ivytheplant
6-16-04
Ivy, what happened to George's arm?
I put it in the T-Rex's mouth.
Why?
It seemed like a good idea at the time, sir.
Again, why?
Hey! You leave me alone in a room full of dinosaur skeletons and one human skeleton and you expect me to behave?

 

by ivytheplant
6-17-04
I dunno, Larry. Sometimes I feel that the children of the world are getting stupider.
My dear, you've just forgotten what it was like being a child. So full of curiosity and life.
Well, children's brains seem to be wired to another plane of existence.
True, but if I were you, I wouldn't be judging the kettle.
Are you talking to the dinosaur skeletons?
Saves a bundle on therapy, sir.

 

by ivytheplant
6-17-04
Eeeexcellent!
*WOOSH!*
What the hell are you doing?
The weather is too crappy to do any gardening, so I'm seeing what substances will work in my oil lamp.
I'm afraid of where this is going.
Can't talk now. I have to try the Everclear next.

 

by ivytheplant
6-23-04
How can I help you?
I want this! Wheeeee!
I'm sorry sir, I can't sell swords to mentally unstable people.
That's discaministration!
Store policy, sir.
I'm telling on you!

Showing page 12.

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