All comics by niteowl

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by niteowl
3-12-04
Backstage before his press conference...
I don't know how to act when I get up there...should I be defiant? Remorseful?
Yeah. Remorseful. I gotta cry though, and make it look good...but I've never cried before. Ok, I gotta think of something really bad to put me in the right frame of mind...
You ready in there yet, Todd? It's almost time.
...OH SHIT! I'm gonna lose 500 grand if they suspend me for the rest of the year! WAAAH!
Whoa...judging by those tears, I'd say you're ready.

 

by niteowl
3-13-04
I just watched the scariest movie...
This guy cheats on his wife, the mistress goes psycho, the wife finds out, and all hell breaks loose.
Oh, you saw Fatal Attraction.
No, it was called She-Devil.
Amazing that a movie with Roseanne Barr would make hundreds of thousands of men think twice about cheating on their wives.

 

by niteowl
3-13-04
Damnit Steven, will you stop all that racket up there?
I...WANNA ROCK N' ROLL ALL NIGHT!
That's it, I'm going up there and kick that kid's ass..
AND PARTY EVERY DAY!
Who the hell are you?
Hi there. I was hired by your son to annoy the piss out of you with loud music since you took his stereo away.

 

by niteowl
3-14-04
Son, could you come here for a minute?
I wonder what he wants..
Son, you're getting older now, its about time we had a heart to heart.Is there anything on your mind?
Yes dad...where do babies come from?
Son, forget about that baby stuff. Wanna buy some crack instead?
I really wish you wouldn't bring your work home with you, Dad.

 

by niteowl
3-15-04
Well, this has been a great trip. Our first time on a plane, and it gets hijacked.
Fuck it, I'm gonna storm the cockpit and take those bastards down.
Are you crazy? You'll get killed!
I don't care...
Those assholes prevented me from getting my complimentary bag of peanuts.

 

by niteowl
3-15-04
I don't get it...
Why does a Google Ad for Trolls appear above some of my comics?
You know why, troll.
Shut up. Don't make me trade you in for a Mac.
Uh oh, all your porn just got accidentally deleted. What a shame.

 

by niteowl
3-16-04
In a galaxy far, far away...
Oh yes. Another home run for the Dark Side. AND...it'll be 235-4 if I hit a 3 pointer from the 50 yard line. You fools will never defeat us.
So Luke, do you think Vader's light saber is corked?
Of course it is, Han. The Dark Side of The Force always cheats. I bet he's amped up on steroids too.

 

by niteowl
3-16-04
Who Shot J.R.?
Who killed Laura Palmer?
Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?
Carmen, you are under arrest for the murder of Laura Palmer and the attempted murder of J.R. Ewing.
Hey, go fuck yourself Barbrady. I'm trying to SOLVE those crimes!

 

by niteowl
3-17-04
Hey Satan...I can see your house from here. It's on fire.
Well of course it is, fool. I am the God of Hell and Fire, you know.

 

by niteowl
3-17-04
Ooh, I can see the White House from here!
There he is...GET HIM! SHOOT TO KILL!
Oh shit.
Good news, Mr. President. We nabbed that freak who was spying on us from the roof of the Pentagon.
Goddamn Democrats.

 

by niteowl
3-17-04
Comic Cup XI Entry Punchline
C'mon, buy some of this Billy Beer my late brother used to make. Only $50 for a sixer!
Quit bugging me already, Jimmy. I'm not buying that nasty swill. You know, Billy Beer is a lot like Billy Ball, they're both all about the runs.
Comic Cup XII Entry Punchline
So Luke, do you think Vader's light saber is corked?
Of course it is, Han. The Dark Side of The Force always cheats. I bet he's amped up on steroids too.
Note to self : One-line punchlines.
I've got to stop making baseball-related strips for Comic Cup entries. They're obviously bad luck.
Um, no. The problem is you have diarrhea of the keyboard. You get that nervous typing thing, kinda like if Lloyd Dobler made comics at SC.

 

by niteowl
3-17-04
...and over in this corner, I have my 24 carat gold plated rattle, and my Cadillac Escalade Hot Wheels car...

 

by niteowl
3-18-04
Did you know they filmed The Amityville Horror in this very house?

 

by niteowl
3-19-04
Goddamn, you are one fat piece of shit, Mike!
Well, gotta go. See ya later, fatty! Try not to eat someone on the way home!
I'll show him...
6 months later...
HA! How do you like me now, huh Jeff?
Man...Mike, eat something already, will ya? The way you look now is sickening.

 

by niteowl
3-20-04
I've been having really bad menstrual cramps lately, Doc.
Then go down to the corner store and buy some Midol. DUH.
Doctor, I'm having a tough time getting an erection and-
Rent a porno, dumbass.
It's just a flesh wound. Here's a band-aid.

 

by niteowl
3-20-04
1.
I jerked off before I got in line to shake hands.
2.
Aww shit. I brought the wrong gun to the Paintball Game.
3.
I guess it's true, you white boys really can't jump.

 

by niteowl
3-20-04

 

by niteowl
3-20-04
Holy crap! It's a scary alien! AAGGHH!
Take me to your leader.
Why? What do you aliens want from us humans?
You know what we want...

 

by niteowl
3-21-04
Personally, I think Mel Gibson has his head up his ass. Anyone watching VH1 at all lately must have seen the joke that blonde girl said about how Mel Gibson has finally lost it...
...and by 'it' she means 'The Memo where it says Jews run Hollywood'. That's some funny shit. It may not be completely true, but a lot of Jewish people are prominent filmmakers, etc. in Hollywood.
Not only are people FLOCKING to see this movie, but fanatical Christians are weeping and praying and causing huge uproars all over the place. So what do you think of The Passion Of The Christ?
I think you talk way too fucking much.

 

by niteowl
3-21-04
OMGWTFBBQ
U SCUK :|
PENIS PENIS PENIS
LOL
IL RAPP YUO
RAPP!!!111!1!!!!!!

 

by niteowl
3-21-04
Tick, tick, tick........tick...
...tick.....tick.
I hate generic batteries.

 

by niteowl
3-22-04
Doctor's Fee...Pay $50.
I need money for the 7 malpractice suits pending against me.
I must say that was the best hernia check ever.
From Sale of Stock...You Get $45
$45? That's it? Well, alright then.
You'll be glad you unloaded it, Martha. Trust me.
Second Prize in a Beauty Contest Collect $11
$11, wooo! I'm gonna live it up and have McDonald's for dinner tonight!
SHOW US YER BOOBS!

 

by niteowl
3-22-04
Pay Poor Tax of $12
If I'm poor, how am I supposed to pay poor tax? I'll have to steal, then I'll get caught and go to jail, and have to pay 50 bucks to get out. Or roll those doubles.
Your Xmas Fund Matures Collect $100
Step right up! Pictures of Tiffany's hot Xeroxed ass from the Xmas party, only $10 each!
Get Out of Jail Free
He fell on the knife 7 or 8 times.
Ok. I'll let you off with a warning this time.

 

by niteowl
3-22-04
Nobody's gonna enter this contest. They all love me.
20 entries later...
I WISH YOU CUNTS WOULD STOP MAKING COMICS ABOUT ME! AHHH!
And then...
What the hell? Someone named Melkor made a comic for the contest?
You know things are bad when someone who's only been here for 6 days is already hating on you.

 

by niteowl
3-25-04
Who are you gonna vote for?
Kerry.
That's a mistake, buddy. Bush is winning the war on terrorism. He'll chew up those bastards and spit 'em out.
I don't know about that...
He has a tough enough time chewing pretzels.

 

by niteowl
3-25-04
Modern English - Melt With You
Thomas Dolby - She Blinded Me With Science
Good heavens Miss Sakamoto - you're beautiful!
Sammy Hagar - I Can't Drive 55
You were driving in a 55 mph zone, ma'am. Do you know how fast I clocked you at?
I'm guessing about 25 mph.

 

by niteowl
3-27-04
This Natural Bra is great. Look at the massive amount of cleavage I've got now!
Damn, I look good. The guys will be falling all over me at the club tonight!
Later...
Hey baby...
Why is it that you men are always looking at a woman's chest, eh bozo? My eyes are up here!

 

by niteowl
3-27-04
Dennis Miller. Whatever happened to that guy? Did he die or something?
No, he just became a full-blown Republican.
Yeah, I know. Same difference.

 

by niteowl
3-27-04
Vick skates in...he shoots, he scores!
I just saw that Nike commercial where all these sports stars are playing different sports and it got me thinking...
Why did they have Michael Vick playing for Colorado's NHL team? Shouldn't he have been playing for Atlanta?
Atlanta has an NHL team?

 

by niteowl
3-27-04
Holy Crap! It's a scary alien! AAGGHH!
Take me to your leader.
Why? What do you aliens want from us humans?
You know what we want...
We want that secret recipe for KFC's chicken.

 

by niteowl
3-28-04
Look out!
We're toast.
Holy shit, dude! Those M-80's wiped out your old Jurassic Park action figures!
Awesome! Let's go get my sister's Barbie Dolls!

 

by niteowl
3-28-04
I told you to buy some Gas-X.
Shut up, wench.

 

by niteowl
3-29-04
Do you ever sit back and wonder why we're here? Like, what is our purpose in life?
Nope.
Don't you ever worry about anything?
Well, sometimes I worry about whether squatting in certain parts of the forest will give me a rash.
Dude, you're the best friend ever. You say things that are so absurd, it snaps me out of the funk I'm in.
Hey man, it's not absurd. Poison Ivy on your nuts is a pretty serious matter.

 

by niteowl
3-29-04
...that cats can make over 100 vocal sounds...
*grrrr*....
...while dogs can only make about 12?
RUFF! RUFF RUFF!
*cough cough*...Uh, um. Hairballs are a bitch, y'know?
Right.

 

by niteowl
3-30-04
Oh my God, what happened in here today?
While you were at work, I watched a couple movies on the Lifetime Channel.
By the way, we're out of kleenex.

 

by niteowl
3-30-04
I've had enough of you humans and your sick, twisted sex games. It pains me when you do your thing. My poor, poor springs ache. CONSTANTLY.
And all the jokes about your lover sleeping in the wet spot...not funny, because I have to deal with that sticky crap all night too!
But nooo, you don't care about that. I'm just a rickety old bed. What about my feelings huh? WHAT ABOUT ME, YOU DIRTY BITCHES?

 

by niteowl
3-31-04
What is this "Break" key for?
It means you'll be breaking shit in about 10 seconds, after I give you the Blue Screen of Death.

 

by niteowl
3-31-04
Ok, what is the "Insert" key for then?
Ask Tobor. I'm sure he'd LOVE to give a demonstration.

 

by niteowl
3-31-04
"Scroll Lock"? What the hell does this key do?
It's so you can quickly and easily scroll past MaKK's posts in the politics thread. More proof that the computer makers DO care about you and your sanity!

 

by niteowl
3-31-04
I hate to tell you this, but your "Did you know.." comic was a real clunker.
That bad, eh? Oh well, it's just one bad strip...no big deal.
Yes, but one clunker leads to another, and another...
Are you saying I'm washed up?
In a word, yes.
Good. Now I can finally get to work on the coke addiction and starting the killing spree.

 

by niteowl
4-02-04
I just got tickets to go see [name of crappy mallcore band]!! Wanna go?
I'd rather masturbate with a sheet of extra coarse sandpaper. I'd rather watch a triple feature of Gigli, Glitter, and any Vin Diesel movie.
I'd rather listen to Rush Limbaugh for 5 seconds. I'd rather vote for Bush in November. I'd rather...
So you're saying you might wanna go?
Yeah maybe, just to kill them.

 

by niteowl
4-02-04
At the convenience store...
I'm gonna beat that girl's ass, for real.
This is why phones and teenage clerks don't mix.
6 minutes, 23 seconds later.
Sorry about the wait. $18.18 is your total.
Damn, I was just about to walk out of here with this shit. Of course, I'll have a tough time walking since my legs are asleep.
$1.82 is your change. Thank you.
No, THANK YOU for taking time out of your busy fucking schedule to actually do your job and ring me up.

 

by niteowl
4-02-04
OMG! I just got tickets to tonight's Wrestlemania!!! Wanna go?
Sorry pal, I'm in a good mood today and don't want to spoil it.
Look me up next time you get wrestling tickets though...
If I'm suicidal that day, I may need something to push me over the edge.

 

by niteowl
4-02-04
Today, Minnesota lawmakers proposed a law that would make it illegal for anyone under the age of 18 to use a cell phone while driving.
It is being hailed as a "great idea that will save many, many lives". In other news...
...the massive 54 car pileup yesterday which killed 12 people was apparently caused by a soccer mom in a minivan talking on her cell phone.

 

by niteowl
4-02-04
Hey man, I just bought an EWallet...
Does it come with the condom ring? Or is that sold separately?

 

by niteowl
4-02-04
Where the fuck have you been? You should've been home 5 hours ago!!! I've been worried sick about you!
I, uh...
IS THAT LIPSTICK ON YOUR COLLAR???
No, it's ink...
There's lipstick on my cock, though.

 

by niteowl
4-03-04
In an elevator...
I really shouldn't have had broccoli, cabbage and egg salad sandwiches for lunch.
*poot*
Shit. Did I forget to put on deodorant today?
Psst...Hey, did that broad up there die or something? Smells like she's decomposing.
Judging by the pool of blood by her feet, her tampon malfunctioned too.

 

by niteowl
4-04-04
You've been outevolved by a telephone sanitizer.
You spelled library with one "R" again.
What the...
Poor bastard.

 

by niteowl
4-07-04
600.
Face it, there's nothing significant about 600.
That's about how many BJs I gave during the Vietnam War.

 

by niteowl
4-07-04
"If they catch you in the back seat trying pick her locks..."
I hate chastity belts.
"Now that I've found somewhere safe to bury my bone."
"How can you have any pud(ding) if you don't (b)eat your meat?"
Yes you were! You were masturbating!
Fine, I admit it! I was choking the bishop! I was chafing the carrot! I was...saying hi to my monster!

Showing page 12.

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