All comics by Spankling

Profile

 

by Spankling
2-15-04
Hi Miss Bradley! I made you this valentine out of my own skin and blood like you asked.
Hmmm... kinda small, spanky. I was hoping for a bigger patch of skin. And it looks like you painted over the lines with the blood.
I had extra. Please... will you be my...
Frankly, NO! You are not worthy. Crawl away and try again in a few years.
25 years later
So much skin and blood! My valentine is draped across your lawn. Now will you be my...
Your tribute to me is killing my grass. Lay down so I can kick you in the mouth before sending you off!

 

by Spankling
3-03-04
Hey Cheney! Watch me pull a rabbit out of my ass!
Not that trick again!
Nothin up my sleeve!
And nothin between your ears but pretzel dust.
GAH! How long have you been keeping my in that smelly place? What year is this?
TA Duh! Love me 'merica! 9/11! Use 'lecronic votin! Watch FOX!

 

by Spankling
3-03-04
Listen you sack of shit. I'm telling you one more time. GIVE ME MY BONE.
It would be great if you could talk, Buffo! Then I could understand everything you say!
That's it. You're going down, man.
uh-oh...
You want somethin to chew on little dog? Maybe Blondy doesn't know how to handle you but I do! I hope you have the number to the vet handy...

 

by Spankling
3-04-04
Ready?
I guess...
Well?
Let me put it this way.

 

by Spankling
3-14-04
MS McFucknipples! You're my only hope! My mother has been killed!
Now calm down. Just unzip your pants and we'll get to the bottom of this.
Are you a private eye or a hooker?
Depends. I'll find your mother's killer for $200 a day plus expenses. If you can't afford that we'll get on with the blowjob.

 

by Spankling
3-14-04
I founder her slumped over the kitchen table with a gag in her mouth made from velvet rope and a used butt plug.
* gobble slurp * Go on... * snarf * Did you notice anything unusual?
Just that she was dead. Oh... wait... oh...
**** SPLORK! ***
What were we talking about?
*gulp* The 5 bucks you're gonna give me for the head and another $5 for the swallow. And about your dead mother.

 

by Spankling
3-14-04
THIS is where you live?
Yes. Me, dad, and until this morning, mom. Why?
No reason.
Well hello. Porky honey! Did you come by to collect that extra fiver from last week?
Hi Joe. I thought your son tasted familiar.

 

by Spankling
3-14-04
So you know my dad?
Sure. He's been a regular customer for years.
Really? What kind of cases have you solved for him?
You're cute, kid.

 

by Spankling
3-14-04
I've just examined your dead mom. And I can tell you this is an open and shut case.
I thought you were in the kitchen getting ass-humped by my dad.
I was multi-tasking.
Oh. Would you mind multi-tasking my tool while you explain?
The pieces *gobble* all fell in to place when I recognized the smell on that buttplug your mom has in her mouth. *lick*
Less talk. More tongue.

 

by Spankling
3-14-04
I see you got Porky on your crank, son. I'm glad to see you're not gay.
Even better than that, dad. As soon as I blow my load, Ms McFucknipples is going to tell me who killed mother. (Hey - less teeth down there!)
She... She solved the case?
Oh yea... oh... just a minute, dad...
Gotta go!
OH!... DAMN!... Wait dad! It wont be long now!

 

by Spankling
3-14-04
My dad? You think my dad killed mother?
I know it. The buttplug in her mouth smelled just like your father's ass.
That may be damning, but that doesn't mean...
Also, when he was hammering my ass I clamped down and wouldn't let him keep humping until he confessed.
Are you sure that will stand up in court?
Honey, I could make that old man stand up and bark like a dog in the middle of McDs.

 

by Spankling
3-14-04
Thanks Ms McFucknipples! How can I ever repay you?
Cash is good.
Of course.
That'll be $205.
Maybe we can make it an even $210...
Anytime! *zzzziip* And tell all your friends. When they want to get to the bottom of something, call Porkbutt McFucknipples! *gobble*

 

by Spankling
3-15-04
boinky33?
I got chunks of guys like him in my stool!
possums?
Road kill! I'll be scraping him off my bumper!
kaufman?
... Oh god. I'm going down like a proud Japaneze mom on her honor roll boy! I mean... I'll show him my funny bone!

 

by Spankling
3-27-04
Nice Wack!
[gwovel]

 

by Spankling
4-02-04
My AIDs is acting up. How 'bout you take over my Easter shift this year?
Sweet!
Dear lord! The reaper with a basket of eggs! My heart!! All I wanted was a... a...
Sweet!
********gasp******** Hey... a Cadbury!
Sweet!

 

by Spankling
4-06-04
Are you sure we should be doing this?
Oh for fuck sake, don't tell me you're getting cold feet? You were up for it last night.
I know, I know, but what if we get caught?
We wont if we're carefull, now, hold still.
So hurry up and get funky with my feet. Then get back to weaving straw into gold! It's getting light out!
Don't rush me! I'll have my groody sex and your golden thread or my name isn't Rumplestiltskin!

 

by Spankling
5-01-04
So that's a training bra?
Yep.
Really?
Yes! What?
So... what are you teaching them to do?
The left one has learned to give chocolate milk. The right one aspires to direct on Broadway.

 

by Spankling
5-05-04
I'm the master of my domain! When I say jump my girl asks how hi!
You don't say...
Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?
I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.
Wow! What happened then?
She said, "Get out from under the bed and fight like a man."

 

by Spankling
5-06-04
This location sucks!
Yeah! No action! Let's try that white hallway again!

 

by Spankling
5-07-04
If I weren't so drunk I'de wipe that smirk off yer face!

 

by Spankling
5-07-04
Mom, did you and Dad go out for a long time before you got married and had me?
Yes, we did.
What was your first date with him like?
It was...well, let's just say it was interesting...
*Start Flashback*
So if we do that I'll still be a virgin, right? And you're sure you can pull out in time?
No problem. Father Murphy has done it to me a thousand times!

 

by Spankling
5-14-04
Tit-fuck fairy! Long time no see!
Hi Spanky.
So... where have you been? I missed seeing you.
Spanky?
Yes?
Have you noticed that you only see me after drinking out of that water cooler?

 

by Spankling
5-16-04
Have you seen my dog, Sparky? I heard him yip just now.
Don't worry. He wont be anoying you anymore.
What do you mean?
He was blowing me a bunch of tude so I clawed his face off. He's bleeding to death under the porch.
OH MY GOD!
(Oops - better change the subject) So how 'bout some back arching, yowling sex?

 

by Spankling
5-20-04
I have but one vice and that is chocolate.
Chocolate and violent anal sex.

 

by Spankling
5-21-04
So what did you have in mind?
We're goin ta outlaw cameras and put Fox in charge of the news over there.
You had to wait all weekend to say that?
Rove didn't want it on the Sunday news shows.

 

by Spankling
5-25-04
The Battle of Quebec? I'm gonna gag on this fluff! Why do I need to know anything that happened in 1759?
1759? LOL! What a tot you are!
Okay boob, lull me to sleep with your wisdom.
It actually ran from 1757 to 1762. Wolfe stepped onto the field with 4,500 men and 1 gun. Montcalm took 5,000 men and 3 guns.
Wow! You actually get a kick out of knowing meaningless tripe!
Yearly I roar into a chasm of ignorance.

 

by Spankling
6-01-04
30 days hath September, April, June, and November.
All the rest have thirty-one except February - which is totaly ass-fucked.
Uhm... yes...
Billy? You may see me after school.
Sweet! Did you bring condoms?
So young...

So tender...

 

by Spankling
6-02-04
An hour ago you smelled of farts and had the charm of a mangy dog's crusty butt.
Do you have something against dogs? I suppose to you animal cruelty is okay! How do you justify such a stance? Is there something about you that makes you any better than the dogs of this world?
But after 6 stiff drinks, and the absence of all other men, women and livestock you are looking better.
So you finally admit you abuse animals! I suppose you think America should be grateful to you for this? How can you be so down on my hero W when you go around stuffing your fist up the asses of dogs!
Uhm... on second thought.... ferget it.
HA! I guess I know where her goat is!

 

by Spankling
6-04-04
The cross at St. Mary's shows Christ's sack under the loin cloth.
They paid extra. Just like you did so long ago...
*** FLASHBACK ***
Say hippie chick, you ever try mixing your love and war?
Like, not at my regular rate, little Spanky.
Flash forward to somewhere in the heartland
Mom... you never say anything about my real dad. How can I get you to talk?
You'll have to beat it out of me. _____ * wink * * wink *

 

by Spankling
6-11-04
Playing the part of Ms Spankling, Lara7.
Pack slave.
Yes dear... may I ask why?
No. Move this crap to the car. Tie it down.
Yes my love.... and while I'm picking things up...?
Oh all right. But make it quick.
[grovel] Yes 'M [grovel] Packing right away.

 

by Spankling
6-11-04
Is everything as I commanded?
Yes mistress. [pant] [grovel] [gasp] All packed.
Good. Crawl to the car.
Yes mistress. [pant] May I ask where we're going?
Camping.
Say what?

 

by Spankling
6-20-04
I'm so glad you ladies have lost that thin body hangup and have started exposing your plump bellies again!
Are you gonna have kids or would you rather go through life unfullfilled?
I'm sure there's a nice man out there who would be happy to call you his own.

 

by Spankling
6-21-04
A woman's right to choose?
Yes.
Let me ask you something?
Yes?
When was the last time you decided what to eat at Wendy's in under 30 minutes?
Maybe his death could be considered a late-term abortion.

 

by Spankling
6-25-04
How dare you say anything I don't like! Are you trying to make my pig valve explode?!?
Now simmer down.
Simmer down?!? Why should I?!? I'm the Presi... I mean the Vice President of the U S of A! How dare you!
Hey, it's not like you boys aren't playing hardball politics every chance you get. Step off already.
FUCK OFF! DO YOU HEAR ME? FUCK YOU!
[Snerk] Can't this administration run a campaign without going all potty mouth in public? What ever happened to Family Values?

 

by Spankling
7-15-04
Spanks?
Yes please!
...
The contest?
OH! Right! I'll get right on it. Then would you spank me?

 

by Spankling
7-17-04
What's with all this "bitch" talk?
Fuck if I know.
I mean, what ever happened to treating women with respect?
Right. Being equal doesn't mean we need to be rude.
Shut up, bitch.
Excuse me while I go slip into my other persona.

 

by Spankling
7-17-04
So you're married to god! I bet he's got a bone that could choke a rino!
You aint no sista!
So that's a habit? You know, I got a few habits of my own...

 

by Spankling
7-18-04
Ya know, Sigy, even when a cigar IS just a cigar it can still be pretty damn hot.
I don't vant to hear about it.
I mean, you get a nice plump, young intern riddin it for a spell and it gets all gooy and smells like...
PLEASE STOP!
I feel your pain.
NO! PLEASE DON'T! I don't vant my pain felt up!

 

by Spankling
8-26-04
I had the weirdest dream last night.
Uh...
It was crazy! I dreamed I went to work and forgot to put on any pants.
Hmmm... and how do you know you're awake now?
Cuz in my dreams I buy top shelf beer. This American crap is like making love in a canoe. It’s fucking close to water.
Maybe we should discuss the pantless thing some more.

 

by Spankling
9-12-04
Do those pants make your ass look fat? No but I want to thank you for drawing my attention to your tantalizing hams! Zounds girl!
Excuse me... I seem to be chanelling someone with a lebido right now.
Make love to me! Now!

 

by Spankling
9-18-04
Something with a poop deck... and a plank.
Sorry. eBay has a scooner for sale... and a nice looking 16-foot catamaran...
I really need the poop deck.
Does this have anything to do with you stealing mom's hoop earring and dad's tuxedo vest jacket?
I have a scatological ship fetish. Do you mind?
Here we go! "First mate needed for ageing rear admiral!" You could get paid to play out this poop deck thing!

 

by Spankling
9-23-04
That double-M comic was rather funny.
Yes... and TIMELY!
Yes...
I guess I vote for double-M.
Save yer vote ya scabby pork missle! You're toast!

 

by Spankling
11-16-04
!

 

by Spankling
11-16-04
!!
?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

by Spankling
11-16-04
?
!!!
*
...
!!!!!!!!!

 

by Spankling
11-30-04
Fabo pumkin pie, Ann! What is your secret?
I'm gay.
I meant about the pie.
Oh. Orange zest sprinkled on the crust before you fill it. Time to "baste the turkey."

 

by Spankling
12-06-04
WEEEEE! I love peyote!
Yes... but is it making you hungry too? you wouldn't believe what I'm...
Hungry? God yes! I could eat like a pig!
I can stop myself!
So... you found your friend half-eaten and you don't know what happened to your cloths?
That's right. Can we move this along? I gotta hairball that aint gonna wait.

 

by Spankling
12-06-04
RRRAAAAARGH! TOBOR CORNHO...
Yeah, sure. Maybe later. Say, Tobor!
er... Yes?
Have you ever noticed that the hole in those water jugs is just the right size to... you know... It's great fun, let me tell you!
Tobor DRINK that water!
So... you doing anything tonight?

 

by Spankling
12-26-04
Wow! 2 panels! Isn't this great?
You mean, now I don't have to sit through 3 panels of your crotch hammering bile?
I... uh... oh who am I kidding. I can't even fill 2 panels.
Honey... oh forget it. It's too easy.

 

by Spankling
12-28-04
Our continuing mission; to seek out new life and new civilizations…
and then rape their women and exploit their natural resources.
Can I be on the rape detail, Captain?
...to boldly go where no one has gone before!
Virgin territory baby!
Virgins? Too much trouble. Drop me off on Klingon or Risa.
Sorry First Mate Spankling. You stay on the ship this mission. I don’t want another incident like on the dog planet.
Would you stop calling me your first mate?! I know all about that Ferengi brothel you haunt every other cycle.

Showing page 13.

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