All comics by UnknownEric

Profile

 

by UnknownEric
5-06-05
If I were a super-villain, what would my name be?
Anus the Untouchable.

 

by UnknownEric
5-06-05
Labour headquarters.
An unprecented third term for Labour shows how in touch with modern Britain we are.
Hooray!
Tory headquarters.
Well, we got a right arse-whoopin', but we'll be back even stronger next time.
Hooray!
Liam Gallagher's house.
Get yer tits out so I can do a line on 'em.
Hooray!

 

Getting head isn't all it's cracked up to be.
by UnknownEric, 5-06-05

 

Moh!
by UnknownEric, 5-10-05

 

by UnknownEric
5-11-05
B-R-E-A-S-T-S, B-R-E-A-S-T-S!
We got 'em, we got 'em, you want to touch 'em
We got 'em, we got 'em, you want to touch 'em!

 

by UnknownEric
5-12-05
Hi, I'm Pat O'Brien.
And I'm Bill O'Reilly.
We're here today to advertise our new 1-900-O'Sex Line.
That's right, you get to call us directly for erotic talk and political discussion.
If you're lucky, you'll call when I'm drunk and stoned!
Every fiftieth caller gets called an idiot and hung up on by yours truly!

 

by UnknownEric
5-31-05
Hi, I'm Bruce, what's your secret fetish?
Well... I've kinda always wanted to diddle myself while an Asian girl broke the fourth wall.
No problem.
Sweet!
Hello to everyone watching this at home.
OH GOD, YES!

 

by UnknownEric
6-01-05
Nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah SNOWMAN!!!
Stop right there, Father. You poisoned the blood of Christ!
Amen!
Nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah SNOWMAN!!!
Nobody blows up City Hall on my watch and gets away with it!
How'd you know I used your watch?
Snowman! Snowman! SNOWMAN!!!
Nobody kills Fred Durst on my watch and gets aw... eh, on second thought, run free!
Sweet!

 

by UnknownEric
6-02-05
Miss Jones, they finally figured out who "Deep Throat" was.
*sigh*
Inside Miss Jones...
I never get any credit.

 

Got any 7s?
Go fish.
by UnknownEric, 6-02-05

 

by UnknownEric
6-04-05
This next one was written after a recording session when my bass player at the time kept hitting the wrong note at the start of the bridge.
Eventually, the session sax player started beating him over the head with his instrument violently. This had to stop.
So I said, "Hey! Stop using sax as a weapon!" And this song was born.

 

by UnknownEric
6-06-05
Man, I can't wait to smother her bacon strips with my gravy.
God! You men are all alike. Always thinking about sex. Disgusting.
I was talking about dinner.

 

by UnknownEric
6-09-05
I don't want anybody else... when I think a-BOUT you, I touch myself, oh oh oh.
I honestly do.
That's disturbing.

 

by UnknownEric
6-13-05
And now, a message from Gene Simmons.
Hi, kids, I'm Gene Simmons. If there's one thing KISS believes in, it's truth in advertising.
Therefore, we'd like to announce that we're changing the lyrics of our biggest hit to "I Wanna Rock And Roll Till 2 Or So, Then Sleep The Following Day."

 

by UnknownEric
6-13-05
Hi, I'm "Jack," the creator of the JackFM radio format.
Most radio stations limit their selection of shitty songs to only those fetid turds that fall within their limited playlists.
What's so revolutionary about us is that we play ALL the shitty songs, regardless of genre.

 

by UnknownEric
6-13-05
1984.
I want to do something different for my new single, "I Feel For You." Something that will make it stand out.
Well, Chaka, how about a rapper?
A rapper? My gosh, nobody's ever done that before. Do you think R&B radio will still play it?
Hey, it's worth a shot.
NOW.
How about we NOT put a rapper on your next single?
Are you crazy? R&B radio would never play it!

 

Hey, isn't that Jennifer Connelly across the street?
Ow, she just poked me in the eye!
by UnknownEric, 6-15-05

 

by UnknownEric
6-20-05
Hi, I'm Brad Majors...
ASSHOLE!
...and I welcome you to Rocky Horror Used Cars, where in just seven days...
...OF ANAL SEX!
...we can sell you a car.
JUST. LIKE. YOUR. DAD!

 

by UnknownEric
6-22-05
Georgie, all of this public hand-wringing over Gitmo is giving us a bad image.
What should we do, Dick?
Well, I was thinking a change of names might do the place some good...
Ooh, ooh, let's open it up for corporate sponsorship!
Welcome to John Cougar Concentration Camp.
Oh, fuck me.

 

by UnknownEric
6-23-05
I'm totally drawing a blank right now.
Relax, Ricker D, just think of a word that makes you laugh.
Hmm... "vagina."
Heh heh
Hahahahahahahaha hahahahahaha!
I thought "vagina."

 

by UnknownEric
6-28-05
Sucky sucky fie dollah.
Can't I get a discount for slowly bleeding to death from my head?
Okay, three fifty. What should I suck?
Nuts.

 

by UnknownEric
6-28-05
*Tsk*
Another Blues Explosion.

 

by UnknownEric
7-01-05
Body of Christ.
Amen.
Blood of Christ.
Amen.
Splooge of Christ.
*GLORP GLORP*

 

by UnknownEric
7-07-05
These kids today don't appreciate anything that's good in the world. Only the stuff that's spoon-fed to them.
Like the ones who call themselves "punks." When I was young, if you were a punk, roving hordes of conservatives would show up at your door and beat you twice a day!
And television today! Kids with their 175 channels of crap.
In my day, we only had 3 channels of crap, so that way we could all complain about and make fun of the same shows!
And the other day at the library, I saw some high school kid checking out the Watergate tapes.
I thought, "Bah! I had those on vinyl! With the original cover with Nixon and Kissinger dressed as butchers!"

 

by UnknownEric
7-12-05
Hello, ______. (female name)
Your ______ (plural noun) are showing.
Here I ______ (verb) to save the ______ (noun).
How ________ (adjective) of you.
Well, I thought so. But you're sure about the______? (noun)
________!! (exclamation)

 

by UnknownEric
7-22-05
Ooh, I'm gonna piss all over your face!
Ewww, are you watching that R. Kelly sex tape?
No, the NHL/NHLPA bargaining sessions.
That's hot!
Yeah, you like that, Linden? Take it like a man!

 

by UnknownEric
7-22-05
Hi, I'm here from the NHL to negotiate a new deal with ESPN.
ESPN: The Worldwide Leader in Screaming Ugly Guys Who Like The Sound of Their Own Voices.
So what kind of deal would work for you?
You can find that answer on the next episode of "Tilt," Tuesdays at 10 pm on ESPN. Boo yah!
So, I take it you're not interested in hockey any more...
No, we gave up sports 2 years ago.

 

by UnknownEric
7-28-05
Hey Rain, did you get us that summer job you were talking about?
I got us a great job house sitting for some folks in L.A.
Cool. In what part of L.A.?
South Central.
So. Central? Rain!
(I'm sorry!)

 

by UnknownEric
7-29-05
The sidewinder sleeps tonight.
Well, I'll see if I can't wake it up.
mmfmmf i'm choking!
Try not to breathe.

 

by UnknownEric
8-05-05
Dude, I just got laid! For the first time!
Bravo! How was it?
A little awkward, but fun.
Man, my first time, neither of us knew what we were doing.
How do we start?
Fall on me.

 

I DO NOT SUCK DICK!
by UnknownEric, 8-24-05

 

by UnknownEric
8-29-05
Gimme all your money and be quick about it.
Oh my God! Help me, One Hit Wonder Woman!
Eh?
Ninety-nine red balloons... floating in the summer sky...
Run away!

 

by UnknownEric
9-19-05
Sweet, I almost have a complete set! With doubles!

 

by UnknownEric
9-28-05
On a hot summer night, would you offer your anus to the robot with the telescoping wang?
Will he offer me lube?
Yes.
AGAIN! Will he offer me lube?
YES!
I bet you say that to all the girls.

 

by UnknownEric
9-30-05
That's IT! I'm going 40 days without jerkin' my yerkin. Starting NOW!!!
Can I interest you in a copy of The Watchtower?

 

by UnknownEric
10-03-05
Hi, I'm Unknown Eric. You're probably asking, "Hey, UE, why do you think you should be the one to host CC300?"
My opponents are all soft on protecting our comic competitions from those who hate TOBOR.
Therefore, if I don't host CC300, the terrorists and hurricanes win.

 

by UnknownEric
10-06-05
Hi, I'm Montel Williams and I'm here with Courtney Love, who is sharing with us another note Kurt left her.
Yes, this one will prove once and for all that he committed suicide. It'll shut Tom Grant up.
What does it say, Courtney?
It says, "If you leave, I'll kill myself." See! And I left, and he killed himself.
Courtney, this note says "If you don't leave, I'll kill you myself" and you crossed some of it out with lipstick.
Zoink!

 

by UnknownEric
10-15-05
Squirrel, only 12 years old.
My parents just died in a freak accident at the circus.
Too bad. This is war, kid. And you've just been drafted.
You're nuts!
You wanna see nuts? I'll unzip my trousers.
Did I mention that the Squirrel is only 12 years old?
Who the hell do you think you are?
Are you retarded or something? I'm the goddamn COWBOY!

 

by UnknownEric
10-18-05
Oh, Jesus Christ.

 

by UnknownEric
10-18-05
Whatever wish you wish, the wish witch doesn't care which!
I wish I was smokin' hot
Wish granted.
Moh.

 

by UnknownEric
10-18-05
Whatever wish you wish, the wish witch doesn't care which!
I wish for some hot pussy.
Wish granted!
Phew! Could someone turn a fan on or somethin'?

 

by UnknownEric
10-18-05
Whatever wish you wish, the wish witch doesn't care which!
I kinda wish a large red robot with a telescoping phallus would come out of the bushes and rape me in the ass.
That's the most retarded thing I've ever heard.

 

by UnknownEric
10-18-05
Every telemarketing call ever.
Hello, Mr... umm... Nusewicz?
Neffke.
Nowitsky?
Neffke.
Meffertiti?
Goodbye.

 

I'm sliding into youuuuuu with silent ri-gi-di-tyyyyy.
by UnknownEric, 10-21-05

 

by UnknownEric
10-24-05
Hey! What are you doing in my house?
I'm here to steal your virginity.
You're a little fucking late for that.

 

by UnknownEric
10-25-05
Lips like shu-guhhhh...
That's the last time I let him borrow my ketchup.

 

And don't come back in my store again!
You tell 'em, Steve-Dave.
by UnknownEric, 10-26-05

 

by UnknownEric
10-28-05
This is the worst Halloween ever.

 

by UnknownEric
10-28-05
RAAAAAR! TOBOR WILL PURIFY YOUR SOUL!
RAAAAAAR! TOBOR WILL WASH YOUR BACK WITH A WARM WASHCLOTH!
RAAAAAR! TOBOR WILL SAVE THE LAST DANCE FOR YOU!

 

Can't you keep your bitch ass to one month of the year?
by UnknownEric, 11-04-05

Showing page 13.

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