All comics by four_legged_tripod

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So I came across your picture the other day.
And?
No. I mean I literally came across your picture the other day.
Ew. Gross. Why do you have to make my birthday so uncomfortable?
Oh, don't be that way, sis!

 

Wha cha making for lunch?
Microwaved TV dinner.
Sweetie, those things aren't that good. You need to learn to cook.
It's cooking if you have to follow a recipe, right?
What recipe?
"Step 1: Cut slits in film covering mashed potatoes."

 

Finish Him!
Hya!
Augh!
Winner!
3 Days Later
I'm back!
What the hell?

 

So did you fix the crack in the toilet?
When you told me about the crack in your toilet, I was not expecting to walk in and see your wife's ass literally stuck in the toilet.
I know, but it's funny right?
I guess it is kinda funny.
That was not what I meant when I asked you to call for some help!

 

It's just the right thing to do. She's pregnant. I know that once I agree, it will be the same thing night after night. It would make an honest woman out of her...
Stop! Don't do it. Years from now you'll look back and realize just how sick this decision will make you feel. Trust me, you'll add years to your life by saying no to this.
Thanks future self!
Now that I think about it, I'm not really in the mood for your meatloaf. Let's just go out to eat.

 

♫ What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger ♫
*BLAM*
Ow! What the hell? You just shot me in the knee cap!
Are you feeling any stronger right now?
Of course not you bastard! I can't even stand up.
Then that proves that Kelly Clarkson is a lying bitch once and for all!

 

So what's your pitch?
Well, Lincoln the Vampire Slayer is gonna be huge! So I say we take other historical figures and give them a monster twist.
Like what?
Ann Frank-enstein!
Dear Diary, the Nazis are back with their pitchforks and torches...

 

You stepped on the garden hose! That means you lose 25 points.
Nuh uh. Because it happened under the tree it doesn't count, plus because you tried to take away points when you couldn't you lose 25 points.
Wait! You guys just can't make up the rules as you go just to make them fit what you want.
Sure we can dad. It's called kid rules.
What do you mean because you walked in and I was half in my pjs that it means automatic sex tonight with unlimited ass play?
Kid rules!

 

I can't make the rent this month.
All you need is love.
I'll be a little short on the rent this month.
All you need is love.
I don't have all the rent this month.
Get out in 30 days.

 

I need a DP please.
Uh, we'll have to go in back for that.
Oh god! One in my ass AND one in my pussy?
So, can I get my Dr. Pepper now?

 
So then I had one black guy all up in my downstairs and a young black guy coming in my backdoor.
Hell, sweetie, that's a normal Thursday at Bingo for me.

 

What are you doing?
Practicing for my Uncle Sam audition. I want YOU to join the army!
Stop with the patriotic bullshit. I have half a mind to tell you and the real Uncle Sam where you can stick that finger!
I want you to APPEASE uncle sam like you OTTA for ME!!!
That's not where I was thinking you should stick that finger asshole. And by the way, that joke TAINT funny!

 

Doctor, is it true that if you rub fecal matter in your eye, you get pink eye?
It sure is.
So what happens if you rub your eye sleep on your anus?
You get the red ass, of course.

 

Wanna go hit the town with me and then later wake up alone in a field?
Uh... no.
I'm just kidding.
You wouldn't wake up.

 

I can already tell that we're gonna have sex tonight.
Is that so?
Yep.
And how can you tell?
I'm stronger than you.

 

Wasn't that a great toy store?
I guess. What happened to the rest of its name?
What do you mean?
What happened to the "L.M." that used to be at the front of the store's name?
There never was an "L.M.".
So the store has always been called "Fucking Ass Off Schwarz"?

 

Hey, did you hear that Rodney King died?
Stop right there!
What?
Whenever a famous person dies you have to make some sort of joke about it. Plus I've already heard all of the jokes about it that I want to.
So you're saying that the Rodney King jokes have been beaten to death?

 

Looks like you still have 20/20 vision.
I'm supposed to go to the dentist later but I hate the dentist. Would you look at my teeth for me?
I'm an optometrist. I'm not licensed to check teeth.
I'll give you $1000 to look at my teeth and sign a form saying my teeth are good just to get my wife off my back.
A thousand bucks? I guess I could ethically examine your eye teeth.

 

And off to your left, you'll see where the Earth Challenger exploded in earth year 1986.

 

Oh my! Superman, you are so big inside me.
If you like that, just wait til I climax!
Why? What happens when you climax?
Oh, oh, oh, here I come!

 

Up next for the stand up auditions is edoggydog.
Groovy!
So I was watching the Special Olympics and everyone got medals and ribbons. In my version of the Special Olympics, the winners get medals and the losers "r-tard" and feathered.
*cough*
I know. I really suck.

 

Eww. Pig, that's disgusting! Get your hoof out of your snout!
Sorry.
*munch munch munch*
What cha eating pig?
Ham boogers.

 

I don't know doctor. I just feel depressed all the time. I just want to die.
Let me call the psych ward to see if they have a bed open.
Doctor! Come quick! Nora Ephron is in the other room and she's about to die! I think the leukemia has finally caught up to her!
I'll have what she's having.

 

The medical board has been doing an audit of all your patient files and it appears that you have not given a real diagnosis in years.
That can't be right.
It seems that you couldn't even name a disease if you had to.
Sure I could. There's that one disease. Wait! Don't tell me!
I know that fella Lou Gehrig had it...

 

The more I see you, the more you look like your mother.
Really grams?
You think I have perky breasts and a supple ass, too?

 

Quiet on the set!
Mr. Howard? I'm sorry to disturb you, but your father just died.
Dad? *sob* No!
Hey, did I just hear that Ron's dad Rance just died?
His dad did just die but his name wasn't Rance, it was Matlock, moron!

 

*sniff* Sir, did you just shit your pants?
Yeah. No biggie. Happens all the time. I'm just needing some lunch.
Sir I need you to do something about the shit in your pants. People are leaving due to the stench.
I said it was no big deal. Just get me a Big Mac.
Sir, this isn't McDonalds. It's Burger King.
Oh. Well, this is embarrassing.

 

Stop it! You're such a brat!
You stop it doo-doo head or I'll kick you again!
That's it! Obviously you guys are too cranky to stay up late like you did last night. Both of you, go take a nap!
That's bullshit!
Just because you're acting cranky does not mean I'm going to let you take a nap. Go mow the lawn.
Dang it!

 

We just moved in across the street. We have two daughters. Our oldest is named Kami Lynn.
Candy Land? You named your daughter Candy Land?
Kami. Lynn. Not Candy Land.
That's funny! What's your other daughter's name? Monopoly?
You honsetly did not know their other daughter was named Monti Polly?

 

Doctor, Sherman Hemsley just died.
Was he in the special unit?
Yep. We moved him on up to the east side.
Did he die of respiratory failure?
Why do you ask?
I heard he was feeling Weezy.

 

I've never noticed before, but you have blue eyes.
Thanks. I like your shade of green. What's your hair color?
Red.
You're a redhead?
Yeah, so?
Well, wouldn't that make you a ginja ninja?

 

I'm here with the return of Colonel Sanders.
Good to be here.
Recently the President of Chick-Fil-A spoke out against gay marriage. Where do you stand?
Hell, I say anything goes. In fact, it's a little known secret that the "F" in KFC stands for "Fucks".
Martha, I just had the most horrible dream! Sanders was back and hornier than ever.
I just saw the news. No time to talk. Pack your shit Marvin, we gotta get outta here!

 

Ha! I've done it! I've brought Abraham Lincoln back to life!
What year is it?
To be precise, it's July 19th, 2012.
Wow.
So is there anything you would like to do?
Well, the midnight screening of Batman sounds like fun.

 

You gaze at my package like one of those gays.
I was actually trying to figure out if you were a woman.
by four_legged_tripod, 8-10-12

 

Dad, brycekain wants to come over and play.
Again? He's played like four times already! Just don't break any rules. He can't play again unless you break a rule. I hate him but I'd do anything for you.
Anything? Would you jam a nail into your head?
Sure but.. aw crap! Now that rule was just broken. Wait! It was already broken by that damn brycekain! So I'm doing this for nothing!

 

I bet you fuck like a jack rabbit.
There's only one way to find out.
You're right. There is only one way.
Wanna go back to my place?

 

Hey Mighty Man. Trade me places.
Sure thing little buddy!
*whistle* *whistle*
Oof! What just landed on me?
Now to console the greiving girlfriend!

 

Come and blow my whistle baby, whistle baby...
*whistle whistle whistle*
Why are you whistling at the faucet?
The dentist said we should add Flo Rida to our water.

 

We're a gonna follow that thievin' varmint by lookin' at these here tracks.
Okay.
What can you tell about the varmint by these tracks?
Looks like he's a headin' west.
What else can you tell?
Looks like he's ridin' a centaur.

 

So what's your fortune say?
"The next person who reads this after you will give you anal sex".
Bull. That's not what it says.
I'm not making it up. It really says that.
Give it here! Let me read that.

 

What's this?
It's your outstanding balance.
It says I still owe $5000.00!
Yes. And?
What's so fucking outstanding about that?

 

shut up you piece of sheet!
fluff you!
by four_legged_tripod, 10-08-12

 

2003
Oh my God, Lance! That was amazing! You've never lasted that long in bed.
I know Sheryl. It was like 15 minutes!
You're using performance enhancing drugs, aren't you?

 

What are you doing back here in the bushes dressed in your old pirate Halloween costume?
I'm hiding out and don't want anyone to recognize me.
Why not?
I was busted last night for seducing a shetland pony. I was told I could go to jail for 12 years.
12 years? Just for a little horse play?

 

I'd like one of your finest hos.
Coming right up.
It's been 20 minutes. What's going on.
Hang in there. She just walks really slow. There she is!
Sorry about the weight.

 

*huff* *puff* *huff* *puff*
Yeah. That's it. Take it all.
Tom?
What? What is it? I haven't seen your dog. I swear.
If you see him, send him home. I think he's sick. He's shitting all over like his asshole has gotten too big for some reason.

 

What do you think about that picture of you?
It's nice.
Know what the difference between you and that picture of you is?
Nope.
It only took me one nail to hang the picture.

 

Well, looks like all the Christmas decorations are up.
Thanks for your help, Jesus-man.
I'll be back to help you decorate for Easter.
Don't bother man. Hipsters don't celebrate Easter.
Why not?
We preferred it when you were underground.

 

What kind of an asshole are you? What kind of person does that? This is unforgiveable! I will never forget this ever!
But I thought- - -
You didn't think! That's your problem you son of a bitch! I think we should get divorced!
What?
One month earlier...
Hey, I know we're tight on cash so let's just buy the kids Christmas presents and not buy each other anything.
Uh, okay.

 

___________________________________________________________________________________
Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your sweet hair.
It's not quite that easy.
___________________________________________________________________________________
Why not? I've heard from many about your beautiful long flowing hair that runs down your back.
You've heard correctly. I do have long flowing hair that runs down my back.
___________________________________________________________________________________
Then what's the problem?
None of it is on my head!

Showing page 13.

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