All comics by ivytheplant

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by ivytheplant
6-23-04
Good afternoon.
Do yas have a public restroom?
Yes. Here's the key and follow the instructions on the bathroom door.
Ah know how to go pee, missy!
Congratulations. If you are able to read, you might notice the instructions are about locking up the bathroom.
Ah ain't dumb!

 

by ivytheplant
6-23-04
Hey boss, what do I do if kids get out of control?
Use a cattle prod.
I never thought I'd say this, but what's the LEGAL way?
If you insist, then just ask them to leave. If they refuse, THEN you can use the cattle prod.

 

by ivytheplant
6-23-04
That will be 32¢.
Thank you, dear.
Would you like your receipt?
Yes, dear.
You do realize that printing this receipt cost more than what you just spent?
Just give me my receipt!

 

by ivytheplant
6-23-04
I saw a creepy van in the KMart parking lot today.
Wasn't rocking was it?
It was marked with lettering that said "Gentleman Jim: Balloon Twisting Entertainment."
...
My thoughts exactly.
Are you SURE it wasn't rocking?

 

by ivytheplant
6-26-04
Why is Ivy wearing a turban?
She's dyeing her fur purple again.
I still don't get the turban.
She said it was to keep the dye from staining her clothes.
Waitaminute! That's no turban! Those are my pajama pants!
Technically they're mine. We just let you humans borrow our stuff.

 

by ivytheplant
6-26-04
You left a mousie in your food bowl again.
It was a protest statement. The food was low.
You know, some households aren't as generous as I am to leave a bowl of food always out for you to nibble at your convenience.
I could see the bottom of the bowl! What if you died? We'd starve!
You're being silly.
Well if you died inside, at least we could eat you.

 

by ivytheplant
6-29-04
Ivy, could you do me a favor and find a couple of binders I can put the consignment forms into?
No problem.
Wow. There's not a binder to be had in this entire store.
I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of Filing Clerks suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced.

 

by ivytheplant
6-29-04
Man, there's gotta be at least 30 boxes of LPs here and none of them are alphabetized.
*twitch*
Three hours later...
I sent you to look for binders, not organize records.
I couldn't help it! They WANTED me to organize them!

 

by ivytheplant
6-29-04
There's now two mousies in the food bowl.
You know what to do.
I just filled your bowl this morning.
We just want to make sure you're on the ball.
People have taken their cats to the pound for lesser offenses.
When you decide to stop kidding yourself, we'll be in the kitchen.

 

by ivytheplant
6-29-04
What's up?
Anubis is sleeping so relaxed, he's ready to fall off the cat tree.
Oh man, I'm glad I'm here to see this!
Oh! There he goes!
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
No jury will convict me.

 

by ivytheplant
6-29-04
Looks like it's time for another episode of Catalympics.
Let's see. Mom's asleep, claws are extended, butt's wiggling, ready and--
LAUNCH!
Are you gonna be okay?
If you find my spleen, let me know.

 

by ivytheplant
6-30-04
Where in the world have you been?
I was sorting and boxing up extra merchandise in the storeroom.
Uh huh.
I also stacked all the boxes.
You made a box fort, didn't you?
It seemed like a good idea at the time.

 

by ivytheplant
6-30-04
Grumpus the Bear looks a little blah. I should do something about that.
An hour later...
The flower wreath on her head is really cute.
I thought so.
I'm afraid the meat cleaver will have to go, though. It's too dangerous to customers.
Why is it every time I incorporate a meat cleaver into a display, you have to shoot me down?

 

by ivytheplant
6-30-04
We have a new timeclock for employees to punch in. It's digital.
Ooo! It's also atomic! Fancy!
Now I need to figure out how to dispose of the old one.
Can I have it?
Sure, but what are you gonna do with an old timeclock?
Are you kidding? What CAN'T I do with it!?

 

by ivytheplant
6-30-04
What in the world is that giant gray metal box?
It's the old timeclock from work. My boss let me have it.
So why is it in the bathroom?
Well--
Nevermind, I don't wanna know.
Just think of the new euphamisms we can use!

 

by ivytheplant
7-01-04
*moans happily*
You rang?
I know scholars have decided the fruit on the Tree of Knowledge really wasn't an apple, but had it been like THIS apple, I would have gobbled the whole damn tree!
Even though it's forbidden?
God would have to strike me dead before I gave up these apples.
I may be an atheist, but better safe than sorry. I'll be in the bunker when you're done blaspheming.

 

by ivytheplant
7-01-04
In this round, contestant Jeff Derkins is going to stand "at or above the top rung of a ladder." Let's watch!
Medic...
Marie Singleton of Apple Valley, Minnesota plans to tell her mother that the family car has been totaled.
You WHAT!!!?
ARGH!
In our final event, Filing Clerk, VIP is going to use a stapler "in an improper manner."
Hey, do you think you can help me remove this stapler from my--
I ain't touching that, man!

 

by ivytheplant
7-01-04
Annnnnd in this corner! Weighing in at 2 kegs and a hat, Descolada, the beer-drinking dynamo!
In this corner! Weighing in at five Hail Marys and three Our Fathers, Jesus "Son of God" of Nazareth!
Let the gammmmes beginnnnn!
Wanna beer?
Sure.

 

by ivytheplant
7-01-04
So, they say you're the Son of God, eh?
That's the scuttle. What are you?
Oh I drink beer, watch the game, do some barbequein'. Nothin' really that special.
Dayam. I sure as hell got the short end of the stick.
Feel like goin' for some beer and ribs?
You win. Let's go.

 

by ivytheplant
7-02-04
Want some mac and cheese?
Is that my favorite pan you're using?
Yeah...
You fool! Don't you realize that pan has the perfect Teflon coat!? Its immaculate beauty allows it to never burn anything, even clam chowder, no matter how much you may try!!
One of these days I'll have to go through with that restraining order.
Begone, fiend! I must go sanctify this holy vessel at once!

 

by ivytheplant
7-02-04
Make a note to remind me to call Culligan.
Sure.
The next day...
I said a reminder not many reminders.
I was being thorough.
The note in the bathroom really was overkill.
This is the fourth time I've had to write you a note. I wanted to make damn sure you'd do it this time.

 

by ivytheplant
7-02-04
Why is there a chalk pentagram on the floor?
I figured that's where we'd put the kids who were misbehaving in the store.
What good will that do?
I figure that a couple hours with demons from hell should convince the little buggers to mind their manners.
Haha! You're such a kidder!
Kidding. Of course. Excuse me, I have to check on something.

 

by ivytheplant
7-02-04
Week 1...
If we get any uranium glass in, could you hold it for me?
Sure.
Week 2...
Have we ever gotten any dead bodies in shipments?
Well actually...
Tomorrow...
If we get any dead bodies in, could you hold them for me?
Only if you can pay for it.

 

by ivytheplant
7-04-04
This happened yesterday...
There's a pigeon loose in the store.
Looks like you get to spend the rest of your shift catching it.
Is that part of my job description?
Actually, yes.
I'd like to renegotiate my contract.
There's a broom in the back. If you need anything else, just holler.

 

by ivytheplant
7-04-04
Damn!
ARGH!
Neener neener.
That's it. I'm getting my golf club.

 

by ivytheplant
7-04-04
I'm getting frustrated. I'm tempted to take that customer up on his offer of shooting the damned birds.
Let's try just catching them first. Then we can shoot the pests.
Personally, I'm convinced the mice and pigeons are in on it together. It's a vermin conspiracy.
You're probably right.
In a dark room somewhere...
Okay, I'll fly around like crazy this afternoon. You can take the morning shift.
Excellent. I plan on scurrying across the floor right as Ivy takes her break.

 

by ivytheplant
7-06-04
"Oregon Archdiocese Files for Bankruptcy"
You'd think God would bail them out.
"Austrian President Klestil Dies on Eve of Retiring"
Wow! Talk about the perfect movie irony!
"'Scotty' Has Alzheimer's, Agent Says"
Get ready for a new age of tactless, yet funny jokes.

 

by ivytheplant
7-08-04
Well, your implants have ruptured, your botox wore off, and the collagen was injected into the wrong place.
Uh oh...
But I do have some good news.
You saved a bunch of money on your car insurance by switching to Geico?
No! I'm full!

 

by ivytheplant
7-09-04
I need to take tomorrow off. It's my son and daughter's birthday.
Okay...
Ivy just asked for a day off. I didn't know she had kids...
Um...yeah. Three of 'em.
Thanks, I owe you one.
You do know you can't claim your cats as dependants on your taxes, don't you?

 

by ivytheplant
7-12-04
Stealthily I move towards my prey. Little does it know the fate that awaits! 3...2...1...
ARGH! Damn pigeon!
Coocoocoocoocoo!
If you used the net, it would be easier to catch the pigeons.
What I need is retractable claws, not a wussy net.

 

by ivytheplant
7-12-04
"AAAAAIIIIIEEEEE!!!!!"
What in anti-God's name is that unearthly howl?
It's Ivy. A centipede crawled next to her on the couch.
She's scared of centipedes?
Yup. Odd huh?
"Oh God! The bastard is following me!!"
Funny, I never would have pegged her to be afraid of anything.
Yeah, usually it's others that are running from her.

 

by ivytheplant
7-12-04
So why are you scared of centipedes?
Old folk legend. If they are able to count your teeth, the number they counted is the number of years you'll live.
And you actually buy that?
I'm not taking any chances.
Oh come on. I've seen you play with snakes and scorpions.
The little bastards just creep me out, okay!?

 

by ivytheplant
7-12-04
Run for your life!
What's going on?
Ivy's watching Monster House!!
So?
"Guys, can someone hand me the sledgehammer?"
Last time she watched it, she redid the kitchen! Who knows what's next!
Run for your life!

 

by ivytheplant
7-13-04
This is Kent Youshuttup talking to the average person on the street. How do you stay cool in this hot weather, sir?
I be drinking many a jug of water, Kent.
And what about you, miss?
I'm not wearing any pants.
Ah...
Oh yeah, I like to hose myself off in the garden after a sweaty day of work.

 

by ivytheplant
7-14-04
Hey, we got a water cooler finally!
Yup.
Now we can sit around it and gossip.
Yup.
It's really hard to talk about anyone behind their back when there's only three employees.
We could make fun of the owner, but then I'd be forced to turn you in for a raise.

 

by ivytheplant
7-14-04
Wow Tom! You look great!
Thanks!
Did you make a call to Enzyte?
No silly!
Well, what did you do then?
I cleaned myself with Lysolâ„¢!

 

by ivytheplant
7-14-04
Hey Mom, can I borrow $800?
$800!? What the hell for?
There's a laboratory selling lots of their equipment. One lot has a DNA sequencer and I really want it.
You've got to be kidding me.
Oh come on! It will pay for itself in no time!
*click*

 

by ivytheplant
7-15-04
Garfurglemargle fricking fracking blamdong consarnit!!
You're in a rotten mood. What's wrong?
You don't want to know.
Oh come on. It can't be that bad!
My favorite vibrator just died, the backup vibes need to be cleaned but I'm out of cleaner, and if I don't get fucked soon, I'm gonna explode!
ARGH!! TMI! TMI!!

 

by ivytheplant
7-19-04
Oh yes! Yes! YES! YES!!
*ulp!*
Do I want to know?
Mom got a DVR satellite upgrade.
Oh no! We'll never get her away from the TV again!
I'm going to go throw up on the rug while she's distracted.

 

by ivytheplant
7-23-04
Late one evening...
Did you just throw toxic waste into that mulch pile?
Couldn't find a trash can. Let's go. I'm bored.
*eerie chanting*
I am risen!
Revenge!
Did it just get cold in here?

 

by ivytheplant
7-26-04
You're in a good mood.
I've had a great day. Nothing untoward has happened and I---- *convulse!*
God damnit. Not again.
You really shouldn't take your medication with LSD.
Ha ha. Help me up before I kill you.
I'm gonna get the cats over here. I bet they'd love an opportunity to use you as furniture.

 

by ivytheplant
7-28-04
Monday...
Stupid tooth won't stop hurting. Better call the dentist.
Tuesday...
We have you scheduled for a consultation and Xrays tomorrow at 8am.
*groan*
Wednesday...
I've scheduled you a wisdom tooth extraction and root canal for tomorrow at 8am.
Fuck.

 

by ivytheplant
7-29-04
At the dentist's office...
Would you like some nitrous?
Fuck yeah!
10 minutes later...
Whoa...this shit is the freaking BOMB!
'Ello Guv!
15 minutes later...
All right, time to cut you open!
Put me back with the talking puppet! Put me back!!!

 

by ivytheplant
7-29-04
The day before...
How old are you?
What?
I just need to check if you need parental approval for this procedure.
I haven't needed parental permission in years. Why are you asking?
Well, most people do have their wisdom teeth out long before they reach your age.
I can't believe I'm being carded at the dentist.

 

by ivytheplant
7-29-04
And how will you be paying?
My mom's credit card.
Your mother's credit card?
Look, I can't afford this and she's graciously agreed to pay since it is an emergency procedure.
How old are you again?
*groan*

 

by ivytheplant
7-29-04
After the torture is over...
How are you feeling?
*moan*
That bad huh?
At least they let me keep my tooth.
Why would you want that?
I was thinking of selling it on eBay. Surely someone will pay for IvyThePlant's wisdom.

 

by ivytheplant
7-31-04
So what's with all these jugs of water?
I'm making beer this weekend.
You're...making beer?
Yup. Figured I'd use it to bribe neighbors into moving furniture for me.
Do you know what you're doing?
You're too young to remember, but our parents made homebrew every year until their divorce. I gots skillz, man.

 

by ivytheplant
7-31-04
So what's with all these jugs of water?
I'm making beer this weekend.
You're...making beer?
Yup. Figured I'd use it to bribe neighbors into moving furniture for me.
Are you allowed to do this?
We live in Wyoming, dude. Not making our own would be blasphemy.

 

by ivytheplant
8-01-04
Wyoming is home to a lot of strange animals, but I just saw one that beats them all.
Oh?
A purple-finned pufferfish.
You're talking about Ivy, aren't you?
Yup.
Excuse me while I step out of range of her wrath.

 

by ivytheplant
8-02-04
To be an effective terrorist, you should anticipate what your target government is going to do.
First, make some elaborate plans to take out certain parts of the US, like national monuments or D.C.
Try really hard to keep all these plans a secret, but make sure enough info gets leaked to make the US gov't panic like crazy.
Wait for a while as they go into Orange Alert on your target areas. Don't forget to enjoy the theatrics.
Then just as they let their guard down...
BAM! Ohio's gone!

Showing page 13.

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