All comics by kaufman

Profile

 

by kaufman
2-16-02
Aha! I've found the ultimate aphrodesiac.
And anyone can make it using common household ingredients. The formula is ...
Invalid Query

 

by kaufman
2-18-02
Owwwwww!
Ouch!
If it hurts so much, why'd you hide the battleship in your rectum?

 

by kaufman
2-18-02
16,437,295.
Damn that old cartoon site. I don't think I'll ever break this habit.
16,437,296. And I still don't have the foggiest idea why I'm doing this!

 

by kaufman
2-19-02
We're ready to invade. Any questions?
Just one, sir. How much whose base are what?

 

by kaufman
2-19-02
Hello, my name is Tobor Billings!
Tobor Billings? You wouldn't be the son of Gabe Billings, would you?
Why, yes I am.
My daddy always talked about your dad's work on stripcreator.com. And to think your father named you after his favourite character! Oh well, tell your dad Clappy Dougan and her pop say hello.
Clappy Dougan? You mean you were also named after your dad's favorite character?
Oh, no. I'm named after my grandmother.

 

by kaufman
2-20-02
Honey, thank you for bringing me to Easter Island! It's more than I ever imagined.
Wait a minute ... those aren't statues!

 

by kaufman
2-20-02
WHAT? HOW DARE YOU!
Hell hath no fury like a woman corn'ed.

 

by kaufman
2-20-02
So with the cloning formula, I'll be able to get my revenge *many* times. I'll just test it on this beetle ...
Hmmm, side effect massive growth, and the subject's gone inert. No problem. Now mix it in these liquor bottles and how to get them into Scotland without raising suspicion?
Hey Fuzzyman, could you photoshop me an Irish passport?
Sure thing, Lady O'J.

 

by kaufman
2-20-02
I swear, the next person who ticks me off is going to face my wrath, but good!
Hey, LadyJ, did you see the rules I made for CC 101? You just might want to lay low for a week :-)
LIE low! LIE low! You're toast, perm. And one death's too good fo you ...

 

by kaufman
2-20-02
At a recent scientific conference:
As you recall, the clone of Dolly the Sheep had the cell structure of an older sheep.
It is clear that cloning does not result in a concommitant duplication of the life energy. Rather, it is shared among the individuals.
The equation sigma(l * m * s)=k applies, where l is the lifespan, m is the metabolism rate, s is the size, and k is a constant.

 

by kaufman
2-20-02
We tell you today of a lady named J who committed hei-nous hem of may.
Killed with a smile, an act quite vile, now she faces a trial as you'll see in a while.
She may be convicted of the crime she inflicted, have her movement restricted or her neck noose-constricted.
It's really quite gory, what she did to her quarry, I am quite sorry to relate this story.
But was it a true killing? This software willing, you'll determine the villain, but enough bean-spilling.
She offed the ex-sperm known as Keegans Perm, faces a life term, so Shave of Burm.

 

by kaufman
2-20-02
I hope we can lie our past problems aside. No hard feelings?
None at all. Here, have a drink.
.................. ZAP ..................
They're so big! And there are so many of them, and they're all dead! What will I do with them? Where can I hide them?

 

by kaufman
2-20-02
LadyJ, you're under arrest for murder.
Murder? I didn't kill anybody.
I'll need a dream team of lawyers to defend me. I want DexX and Kaufman and Gabe and Spankling ...
I'll get them for you.
And of course I expect you to be the head of my defense team.
Of course.

 

by kaufman
2-20-02
Good news. Thanks to the new defendants' rights law, the accused gets to choose his or her own prosecutor.
You mean I can choose any dumb bozo to make the case against me? Jesus!
I am going to prove you SO guilty!

 

by kaufman
2-20-02
So she bought half-filled bottles of Scotch from your store. Doesn't that suggest she was going to add some sinister drug to it?
OBJECTION!!!
Withdrawn. No further questions. Your witness.
The Defense attempts to discredit the witness.
Mr. Boorite, the DA would like us to believe you're a respectable liquor store owner. And yet, you're not wearing any pants.
I'm not? HELP! THIEF!

 

by kaufman
2-20-02
If the metabolism rate varies inversely with the size and number of clones, that means the alleged victim is not actually dead, right?
That's true. He is alive, but at a much slower pace.
But in the time it takes him to blink, the sun will burn out. He might as well be dead, no?
It would seem there is no future for him.
But if he were shrunk to subatomic size, he could lead a normal life.
That would be so neat, to be smaller than an atom and able to permeate anything. PERMeate. My god, it's been done already, hasn't it?

 

by kaufman
2-20-02
Please tell the Court where you were on the night of the murder?
I was in St. Louis. Where were you?
Why, I was nailed to this bloody piece of wood.

 

by kaufman
2-20-02
You are the administrator of stripcreator, and I am the prime submitter of art for the site, am I not?
That is correct.
So were the jury about to convict, I'd just have to draw a "NOT" prop, which could be put in the left half of a panel, while the foreman says "Guilty" in the right half.
Yeah, seems there's not much point to this trial, then. Let's go for a beer.

 

by kaufman
2-20-02
Miniperms are everywhere!
I'll hide in his doughnut, you grab his gun.
And I mean everywhere!
I've been hanging out in the Oval Office. And you?
Let's just say that Laura Bush is a hottie.
Utter chaos at the courthouse as the truth sinks in!

 

by kaufman
2-20-02
Everyone in the courtroom is dead,
so no one remains to warn the world
about the invasion of the microperms.
moh?
Hey, there are some bones. I'm going to climb in!

 

by kaufman
2-20-02
Good heavens, we've got little Kevins, I count eleven million seventy seven.
What a fall, to have it all, be cloned and tall, and then be small.
I dare say, for Lady J, a steep price to pay, as bones she'll stay .
The judge and jury and lawyers and Jesus too, and I don't care that this doesn't rhyme, your mom was good last night.
Burma
Shave

 

by kaufman
2-20-02
Counsel would like to approach the Bench.
Approach.
Motion to dismiss, Your Honor.
Denied. I'm not going to get your client off just like that.
Well, in that case, could you get me off?
Sure. This Court is in recess while we retire to Chambers.

 

by kaufman
2-24-02
Not bad. But don't you like any bands other than Pink Floyd?

 

by kaufman
2-25-02
Excuse me, sir. I've driven a thousand miles to see your porn callus.

 

by kaufman
2-26-02
The railroad runs through this canyon in the Cascades. But last week a rockslide had blocked the tunnel through which the trains travel.
No trains would be running today were it not for the selfless devotion of the two men who blew themselves up, thereby clearing the tunnel.
And they said my plan of making suicide bombers register with the government would never work.
You're a true genius, Mr. President.

 

by kaufman
2-26-02
What are all these ads I've been hearing on the radio about "certified pre-owned Lexuses," "certified pre-owned Jeeps"?
I mean come on, do you really need someone to certify to you that you are really buying a used car?
"Oh, no way, man. I'm not buying that car. It might be NEW!"

 

by kaufman
2-27-02
Since the dawn of time, mathematicians have wrestled with the "Philosophers' Problem".
Hey, could you pass me that knife?
Hey, could you pass me that fork?
Namely, what happens when you have a bunch of philosophers at the table who want to eat and think ...
Knife is a bowl of cherries.
I fork, therefore I yam.
but you don't have sufficient silverware for everyone?
Hey, could you pass me the sweet potatoes?
Hey, could you pass me the cherries?

 

by kaufman
2-27-02
Hey, could you pass me that fork?
As I give it to you, it passes out of my sensory realm and for all practical purposes ceases to exist.
Now look what you've done. We have no silverware.
Damn.
Yo, Socrates! Could you pass over that bucket of fried chicken?
Mmm, mmm. Finger-licking good. Bring it here, hemlock boy!

 

by kaufman
2-27-02
EUREKA! ... Pass me the SPORK!
Huh?
Look, a spork is a hybrid between a spoon and a fork. By combining utensils, we'll no longer have a silverware shortage, and we'll all be able to eat.
So will you please pass me the spork?
No can do. Not until you pass me your fife.

 

by kaufman
2-27-02
Hey Nietzsche, could you pass me that fork?
Come on, Locke, let me use that spoon for a moment.
Aha! A complete set. At last I can eat.
Aha! A complete set. At last I can eat.
What do you mean they cleared off the table half an hour ago?
Dammit, this happens every meal.

 

by kaufman
2-27-02
SHE'S A WITCH! BURN HER!
Hold it, stop that. She may be a witch, but they can be beneficial. No need to burn her.
No need to burn her? What good have witches ever done for anyone?
Well, one once cured my dyslexia.
A witch cured your dyslexia?
Yeah. She cast a spell on me.

 

by kaufman
2-28-02
LIPS! We want lips!
Castles don't have phones, Asshole!
No, you'll procrastinate six days and then pull an all-nighter.
Oh no, meatloaf AGAIN?
... In the state of New Jersey.
Don't forget to turn off the globe. And buy yourself a fuckin' neck!

 

by kaufman
2-28-02
Whoa, Mystery Ninja, your comics are witty, well-drawn, and take unexpected plot twists. I must know who you are.
Life is full of disappointments, isn't it.
It has truly been an honor competing against you in this Comic Cup.
But you're about to get knocked out, and you sound most happy. How do you explain this?
Because I know something you don't know -- I'm really a right-handed typist!

 

by kaufman
3-01-02
AAOOGA! AAOOGA! RED ROBOT ALERT! ALL PERSONNEL BEND OVER, GRAB YOUR ANKLES, DUCK AND COVER!
Oh shit, he's coming for me.
RELAX, BOY. THIS WAS ONLY A DRILL.

 

by kaufman
3-01-02
Daddy?
I am mortally wounded, honey. My wish is that you go out and find some talented friends and write great songs. That is your destiny.
The birth of the songwriting team:
Hey, let's do a song about singing in the mountains.
I think I've got a start. o/` The hills are alive with ... uh ...
Rogers and Hammer's Teen
... with the sound of music!
Great! I think we're onto something.

 

by kaufman
3-02-02
The Orb of Infinite Truth has spoken. We know your secrets. You are still accused of crimes against humanity.
You people have mentally violated me. I want a good lawyer now, like Johnny Cochrane or maybe Alan Dershowitz.
Won't help. Kevin Costner was in "The War" with Raynor Scheine, who was in "First Kid" with Cher's ex.
What's that? I'm six degrees of separation from Kevin Bacon, but yet I'm getting the third degree for this?
Didn't you hear who I said you were THREE degrees from? Your counsel will most certainly be PRO BONO!
Then I have no hope. I'll just confess and throw myself at the court's mercy. WATERWORLD WAS MY FAULT!

 

by kaufman
3-03-02
Hey little buddy, I built a raft out of twigs and coconuts. You can escape this wretched island now!
Great! Thanks a lot, Professor.
Hasta la vista, I'm heading home!
Good news, everyone, we don't need to vote anyone off this week.

 

by kaufman
3-04-02
o/` I will survive, As long as I know how to love, I know I will stay alive, I've got all my life to live ...
Cripes, will he ever shut up?
The Tribes have spoken. With 14 votes, all citing your interminable singing, Big Evil Dan, you have been voted off the island.
The next day:
o/` ... I've got all my life to live, I've got all my love to give, and I'll survive, I will survive!
Thank you, DeVry School of Ventriloquism!

 

by kaufman
3-04-02
Eureka! Thank goodness I chose a pencil as my luxury item.
HEY, LOOK, EVERYBODY, I MADE FIRE! NOW YOU CAN'T KICK ME OFF THE ISLAND.
It looks like you don't want to remind everybody what else you made.
Bloody hell.

 

by kaufman
3-04-02
Just missed Dog Comic #420,000.
That would have been #150,000,000 in fly comics

 

by kaufman
3-05-02
I have lived an enlightened life. When I die, I won't return to earth; I'll be in Nirvana.
YOUR TURN.
Ok, I'm ready.
One reincarnation later:
I can't believe I'm not Buddha.

 

by kaufman
3-05-02
undecagon - noun - a polygon having 11 angles and 11 sides.
undecided - adj - 1. not decided or determined. 2. not having one's mind firmly made up; irresolute.
undefined ...

 

by kaufman
3-05-02
proconsul - noun - 1. a governor or military commander of a province who had consular authority. 2. any appointed administrator over a dependency or an occupied area.
Procopius - noun - Greek Historian (c490-c562)
procrastinate ... I'll get back to this one.

 

by kaufman
3-05-02
Zyrian - noun - a Uralic language belonging to the Permian branch and having written documents from the 14th crntury to the present. Also called Komi.
zzz -(used to represent a person snoring)

 

by kaufman
3-06-02
Just my luck. We would have to be on a fucking power play.

 

by kaufman
3-06-02
thirst - adj - 1. feeling or having thirst; craving liquid. 2. needing moisture, as soil. 3. eagerly desirous; eager. 4. (informal) causing thirst.
thirteen - noun - 1. a cardinal number, 10 plus 3. 2. a symbol for this number, such as 13 or XIII. 3. a set of this many persons or things. - adj - 4. amounting to 13 in number.
!
1337 - @dj - d35cri8i|\|6 th3 hax0r w|-|0 krax0r3d t4i5 l0053rz PC.

 

by kaufman
3-07-02
The nominees for Best Performance by a Mad Scientist are: Sven Albertson for food denutrization, P. Edward Antic for Comic DNA Transplants,
Ernst Breckenmeister for Augmentation of Solar Flares, Hideo Funigawa for Reptile Enhancement, and Maria Stolichkova for photon annihilation.
And the winner is: P. Edward Antic, Comic DNA Transplants.
Success! I will now give stripcreator characters the genetic material from other strips and assemble an invincible army!

 

by kaufman
3-07-02
Tell us about your experiments, Dr. Antic, how did they begin?
Well, I'm not such a mad scientist that I'd immediately experiment on human subjects.
My first experiment was to infuse dogonball with the genetic material of Lucy Van Pelt from Peanuts.
This unfortunately had disasterous results; the dog kept pulling the ball out from under himself.

 

by kaufman
3-07-02
I had a major breakthrough when I found out that I was not limited to organic recipients.
Implanting the genetic material of Dagwood Bumstead into Tobor did result in serious personality changes.
My lucky day, he's asleep.
Zzzzzzzzzzzzz.
And I do mean serious.
RAAAR! TOBOR WILL CORNED BEEF YOU!

 

by kaufman
3-07-02
So your early experiments had mixed results. But you still weren't even a blip on the Billboard Mad Scientists chart.
That's right, and I knew I wouldn't be until I went after ... the forumusers. Indeed, my first such foray sent shivers around the world.
That would be where you gave gabe_billings genetic material from Bazooka Joe?
Darn right!
Hey Gabe, tell me the truth. Do you like wirthling?
I really don't know, Dan. I've never wirthled.

Showing page 13.

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