All comics by kramer_vs_kramer

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MikeyG, is it true that your mother has a penis?
Yes. How did you find that out?
Never mind.
Why are you sitting funny?

 

Everything's $1
Hi there! How can I help you! Would you like to buy these cutlery sets?
I'D BUY THAT FOR A DOLLAR!
Everything's $1
Yes, they do cost a dollar each. And you're wanting these plates too?
I'D BUY THAT FOR A DOLLAR!
Everything's $1
Yes, they also cost a dollar. Everything here costs exactly one dollar.
Is this heaven?

 

Everything's $0.99
Hello again sir. Welcome to the 99 cent store!
I'D BUY THAT FOR A DOLLAR!
Everything's $0.99
We've changed management, sir. Everything's only 99 cents. Think of the savings you'll make!
I'D BUY THAT FOR A DOLLAR!
Everything's $0.99
No sir, I have to give you your change or my boss will get me into trouble. Are you okay sir? Why are you crying?

 

Dre, you's gotta help me. My G-Unit album is shit, and the public are beginning to see me as the incompetent one trick pony I really am.
Sorry Fiddy, Dre's away on vacation for the week. I'm his long-lost twin brother, Dr Gay.
Ah.
Don't worry, I'm just as good a producer as my brother! I'll knock you out a hit in no time.
Nice one! What did you have in mind? I've written some lyrics here about how I got shot, and how much I like bitches and hoes.
Actually, I was more thinking about an album of Abba covers and collaborations with Gloria Gaynor and Elton John.

 

Fo shizzle my nizzle, Dr Gay. I was wanting to speak to you about this song you wrote for me.
Yeah Snoop, I was thinking about how big a hit "Gin and Juice" was back in the day, and took inspiration from that.
The thing is, I don't actually drink Malibu and Coke. Or cocktails with sparkly umbrellas in them.
Don't worry, that's all semantics. We can change the lyrics.
While you're at it, could you remove the line about oiled up boy-slaves wearing speedos?
You're a hard man to please, Snoop.

 

I see Duran Duran have reformed, Freddy. You remember them, don't you?
What? Of course I don't remember them - I'm only 14! I wasn't even alive in the eighties when they were big.
Ah well. Want to get something to eat?
Sure! I'm hungry like the wolf.
Damn.

 

Mary - you're pregnant! Could this be My son, whom it has been fortold will be born on Earth and unite the planet in peace and love?
Um, yeah, God. Something like that.
This truly is a wondrous day, My child. It has been written that My only son will be born of a virgin, and his life and death will give meaning to millions for centuries to come.
Hold on. Born of a virgin? I'm not a-
That is correct. The Christ child will be born to a woman who has never known sexual intercourse with a man.
Does it count if I have never remembered sexual intercourse with a man?

 

Hey, did you see that footage on the news of Saddam Hussein with the big beard getting interrogated?
Saddam Hussein? I thought it was PHIL KAY!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
So, are you coming to the SUB CLUB tonight?
I can't, my trucker cap's at the dry cleaners.

 

Oh man! I sure do hate those gays. I cannot rest until I have cleansed the Earth of their immoral kind.
Really? Why?
A gay murdered my partner. He ripped him open with his razor-sharp talons and ate his insides. From that moment on I swore to rid the world of the homosexual menace.
To be honest, it sounds to me like your partner was killed by a velociraptor.
A gay velociraptor?
Just face it, you've killed Elton John for nothing.

 

RAAAR!!! TOBOR WILL NOT CORNHOLE YOU!
But Tobor, I have a super-sized bottle of lube right here! My rectum quivers in anticipation!
NO. TOBOR HAS BETTER THINGS TO DO THAN CORNHOLE MIKEY, LIKE FILL IN TOBOR'S TAX RETURN OR WATCH PAINT DRY.
But what am I supposed to do with all this lubricant?
Hmm...

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-18-04
Mikey, I heard you have a new job. What is it you do?
I masturbate pigs and collect their semen in glass jars.
Yes, but what's your new job?

 

Hey there, do you want to come back to my place for some loving?
I sure do, but I must warn you, I ejaculate crude oil instead of regular jism.
So...
Wow, that was great. And now for a post-coital cigarette.
NOOOOOOOOO!!!!

 

Hi there. Are you the man who cums oil?
I sure am. How can I help you?
I was wondering if I could give you a blowjob? You've got a very pretty face.
I'm sorry, but I just don't swing that way.
Are you sure? I could make it worth your while.
Mr Cheney, get off my porch.

 

I knew I was getting old when I realised I had no idea what any of the drugs people were trying to sell me actually were.
That's progress for you. You have to roll with the times.
I heard they were developing new pills that contain tiny nanorobots that mess with your insides.
That's true. I tried some last week.
Really, son? What was it like?
I think I might have overdone it.

 

Check out my baby - it's made of wood!
That means it never cries or makes a mess.
And technically it's not illegal to have sex with it.

 

Well hello there. I see you're admiring my baby. You may have noticed he is sculpted out of wood.
Realistic, isn't he? I modelled him on my sadly deceased infant son.
Unfortunately, my wife was able to tell the difference straight away.

 

Of course, there are many advantages to having a wooden baby over a real one.
Using my woodworking tools, I was able to remove an unsightly mole from his cheek.
Also, his left arm is now shaped like a buttplug.

 

Of course, sometimes I do regret carving a replica of my dead infant son out of wood.
In many ways, it's no match for the real thing.
Real children are self-lubricating, for a start.

 

Although I'm happy with my wooden baby, I would like to have a real child again in the future.
I would give anything to be able to hear the patter of tiny feet.
And it would be great not to have to worry about splinters in my genitals.

 

Although I have this wooden replica of my dead baby, I still miss the real thing.
It was hard to get over the fact he was dead, at first.
Once the colon gave way completely, though, I knew I had to let him go.

 

I'm seeing Ubiquitous Girl tonight.
Really? Are you going to take her somewhere nice?
I meant "seeing" as in "watching through a telescope from a nearby hedge".
Ah. Are you sure you wouldn't rather come to the SUB CLUB instead? AIDAN MOFFAT from the band ARAB STRAP will be there.
What was that?
Sorry, wrong comic. Arf arf!

 

Hey, look over there! Isn't that hilarious comic strip writer Kramer_vs_Kramer?
I don't think so, Jim. That's a small dog.
I'm sorry. It's just that I love Kramer_vs_Kramer so much. I'd give anything to meet him and bask in his aura of hilarity. In fact, isn't that him behind you?
Huh? No, Jim. That's a tree.
I can't help it. I imagine seeing him everywhere. Sometimes I wish I could have his children.
So that's why you were humping my cat.

 

Hey there! Would you like to try our new Daddy Burger?
Daddy Burger?
Yes. We hunt down your father, then grind him up and make him into a tasty burger especially for you.
I see. And what's the Big Burger?
Oh, that's just like a regular Big Mac.
Eww! I'll have a Daddy Burger, please.

 

George, I noticed there's a gap in the market for comics about you, so I figured I'd step in.
Well sure, little buddy.
Since I'm not American, though. I figured I'd speak to you first so I can get up to speed on your policies.
Hold on, you're not an American? Donald- call in an airstrike!
Thanks Donald, that one almost touched me!

 

So, George. Would you be interested in taking part in my new series of political comics?
I guess so, as long as my office gets to proof read them.
Proof read them?
Yes, you know. To make sure there's nothing negative about me in them.
Where'd he go?

 

George, I've had an idea how to make comics about you without you locking me up in Camp X-Ray.
Go ahead.
How about we have you playing a fictional character, and make it all ridiculously far-fetched so nobody confuses it with the truth.
Cool! I could be Dubyaman! And I could fly around the world spreading freedom by setting fire to things with my laser eyes and smashing up buildings.
Yes! And you could further the cause of democracy by firebombing the whole planet and invading pluto.
I thought you said it had to be far-fetched?

 

Graaaaah!
Not so fast, Godzilla! I, Dubyaman, am here to ensure your un-American activities will cease!
Un-American? But this is Tokyo.
Oh, alright then. Sorry about that. Carry on.
Graaaaah!
Actually, while you're here, could you step on those car factories over there? Got to keep people buying American.

 

RAAARRR! TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE YOU!
Not so fast Tobor. I, Dubyaman, will not have such unnatural practises performed in this country.
WHAT ABOUT IF TOBOR WENT TO CANADA?
Oh, that's fine. Dirty socialists have it coming.
In fact, do you want a grant for travel expenses?

 

You, filthy arab! I, Dubyaman, have come to put an end to your insidious schemes.
But Dubyaman, I'm from Wyoming.
You won't fool me as easily as you fooled those idiot Democrats. Prepare to eat laser eye doom!
Honestly, Dubyaman, I'm a registered Republican. I pay taxes and I voted for you in the election.
I really hate those guys.

 

You- dirty hippy! Why don't you get a job?
Dubyaman, it's me - Jesus. I died on the cross for your sins, remember?
Don't give me that liberal bullshit, hippy. Look at you bleeding out of your side- can't you afford healthcare? You could if you had a job and paid your taxes like a good American.
I'm not American, I'm from Israel.
In that case have ten billion dollars. Oh, and would you like some nuclear weapons?
Yes please! That'll show those Buddhists.

 

George, I can't make any more of these "Dubyaman" comics. They're getting increasingly preposterous.
What do you mean?
This idea you sent me where you terraform Mars, rename it "New Texas" then nuke the Earth from orbit. There's no way I could make that.
Actually, that one shouldn't have been in there with the comic ideas.
And if I was you I'd look into investing in some kind of bunker.

 

Wow, Dubya. It's so nice to finally meet a like-minded megalomaniac.
Same here, Davros. It's always good to have friends with common interests. So what's your current plan?
I intend to overrun the planet with giant acid-spitting wooden robot crabs.
Wow! That sure will spread freedom throughout the world.
Freedom? I was going to enslave all the humans and force them to work in my crab factory.
Same thing.

 

Welcome to hell. May I take your name, please?
VANCE. TOMMY VANCE. THE VOICE OF ROCK.
There seems to be some mistake, Mr Vance. You're supposed to be in heaven.
HEAVEN? WHAT'S ROCK ABOUT THAT? I WANT TO BE DOWN HERE WITH JIMI HENDRIX, SID VICIOUS AND THE RAMONES!
I'm sorry sir, I can't allow you to enter. They've got musicians upstairs as well, you know.
PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME GO BACK. I WAS ONLY THERE FOR TEN MINUTES AND GEORGE HARRISON SANG "MY SWEET LORD" FOURTEEN TIMES.

 

Welcome to confession, please tell me your sins.
I like to kill hookers and hide them in bins.
It's safe to kill hookers because they don't have souls.
So it's alright to fuck them in the knife stab holes?
I don't think so, unless you are legally wed.
What about boning them after they're dead?

 

At last, my fiendish plan is complete! Once my evil doomsday device is activated, I shall rule the universe!
Not so fast!
Dr Who! Have you come here to put an end to my foul scheme?
No, I've come to tell you I quit. I've had enough.
So I'm okay to take over the universe?
Do what you like, I'm off to get a hooker.

 

Anyway, good seeing you after all these years, but I'd better get going. I've got to go meet my beautiful wife.
So you finally got rid of that rancid minger Estelle, then?
Oh, I get it now.

 

Wow- we're getting a new Pope! I wonder who it is?
There he is! Doesn't he look holy? I wonder what he's going to say?
BUILD ME AN ARMY WORTHY OF MORDOR!

 

I'm here with the new Pope. So, your holiness, have you chosen a Pope name yet?
Yes, John. I have indeed.
And what is it?
Vader. Pope Vader.
That's not very traditional, is it? Do you think it will go down well with the traditionalists?
Frankly, John, I find your lack of faith disturbing.

 

So, Pope Vader, what is to be your first action as pontiff?
I aim to dissolve all world governments and rule the planet as emperor.
Is that allowable under Catholic dogma?
Cath-o-lic?
You know, all the religion stuff.
Oh, I don't let that bother me. My assistant, Cardinal Ming the Merciless, handles all that for me.

 

Kramer- you are a tit nightmare.
Actually, Mikey, from now on I wish to be called "Rayford Steele"
Steele?
Hard as.
Not in that way.

 
Could you stop staring? You're really putting us off.
Sorry.

 

Wow, it's Crazy Frog! I'm your biggest fan. I have all your merchandise. Go on- do your catchphrase for me.
What? No! I'll have you know I'm a classically trained actor. There's more to me than that stupid catchphrase.
Really? What else have you been in?
I played Hamlet when I was Cambridge. And I was in Schindler's List, but they cut my scene out.
Why was that?
They felt shouting "Ring a ding ding ding bom bom bedom bem bom bedom ba ba da ba ba bom bom brrm brrm wheeee!" in the gas chamber was inappropriate.

 

So, why do they call you crazy, Mr Crazy Frog?
Oh, that's because of the pyromania.
Pyromania?

 

Good day sir. I wish to purchase today's copy of the Wall St Journal and this book of Polish poetry.
Wow! You're that Crazy Frog, aren't you? Go on, do the noise.
I will most certainly not do that infernal noise. How about I read some of this poetry? autor próbuje podsumować swoje doświadczenia życiowe.
Hee! You're so funny, Crazy Frog.
That one was about children being raped and tortured.
Oh.

 

So, Crazy Frog, what brings you to my church?
I wish to help spread the word of God to the disadvantaged children of the parish.
The word of God, would that be "ring a ding ding ba ba bo bo bada baaaa"?
No, I'm serious. I wish to give up my media work and devote my life to The Lord.
Go on, say it. Ring-a-ding-ding!
Forget it, I'll try my luck with the Sikhs.

 

I just bought me a new scat video! I sure do love scat. Let's see what it's like.
"Scat biddaddle doo wop da boodle da biddle. Scooby do wooby da di da doob"
*fap fap fap fap*

 

Rapist-Man! Thank god you're here. There's two armed robbers in that bank and they've got hostages!
Rapist-Man?
Aiieeee!
You like it, huh bitch?

 

George, I've decided to make some more comics about you, because I'm out of ideas and, let's face it, you're an easy target.
Easy target, am I?
Aiieeeeee!
Dick! I done got me a terrorist!
George, he was speaking metaphorically.
Is that what they talk in Iran?

 

You! Are you one of those "lesbians"?
Yes sir, yes I am.
I see. You'd better not be thinking of getting married. It's an abomination in the eyes of God and undermines the traditional American family.
No sir. I make it a point of sleeping with as many different women as I can, and capturing each one on videotape as we engage in a series of sapphic practises, each one more extreme than the last.
These videotapes... can I borrow them?

 

You! What the fuck are you?
I am Sharkman. I evolved from sharks to walk the land, like a man.
No! You couldn't have evolved, evolution is a falsehood put about by anti-americans. You must have been created by some kind of Intelligent Designer.
A designer? Like Jean-Paul Gaultier?
Umm.... yes?
You haven't thought this through, have you?

Showing page 13.

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