All comics by jes_lawson

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by jes_lawson
10-19-04
Can't keep...eyes...open...or...speak...at...normal...rate...zzzz....
Hi Jes!
Oh no....I know that voice...
It looks like you're having trouble staying awake and concentrating! Would you like a double espresso mocha?
NOOOO!
Or maybe I should just help you mainline some Nescafé into your vein again!

 

by jes_lawson
10-20-04
This just in!
Residents of Peoria have issued an unprecedented unanimous statement
The statement reads:
"Dear America. We are sick of being your proving ground. Find some other damn city to "play" your crap ideas to before you go peddling them round the rest of the country. Sincerely, Peoria"
Next up is Jackie with the sport, filling in for LeChef, while his latest alleged sexual harrassment case is heard.

 

by jes_lawson
10-21-04
Ohgodohgodohgod I can't afford to get addicted to caffeine again!
You can't afford it but it's going to happen! Why don't I go and get us both a nice ristretto, eh?
Hey, Jes! Long time no see and...who's this jerk?
High Five Cthulu! Man, am I glad to see you!
I...ur...who are you?
There's only room for one habit around here and that's ME. I'm gonna unbend you and use you to pick the crud out of my toes you little shit!

 

by jes_lawson
10-21-04
Alcohol is bad for you! And wormwood is even worse!
Yeah? Well this guy's heart can barely stand up to a cup of tea, let alone one cup of coffee! Desist!
Hey there! Are you thinking about a nice mellow cigar? Go on! One won't...
Caffeine! Absinth! Caffeine! Absinth!
Ah crap, I've got the wrong place again. I'll just uh...leave you guys to...yep...

 

by jes_lawson
10-26-04
Some sad news, veteran radio DJ John Peel has died at the age of 65
NOOOO!
You seem upset. Have you thought of doing something to take your mind off it?
Yes. I'm going to play a record that I don't know the name of, at the wrong speed, before correcting myself. And it will ROCK.
John Alan Parker Ravenscroft, a.k.a. John Peel. 1939-2004.

 

by jes_lawson
10-27-04
Hey, where's Jeff? I thought he'd be down here.
No, he'll be off at that club he goes to. Most likely getting shagged up the arse again.
But...but...he seems so straight.
No no...
He's a Tottenham Hotspur supporter.

 

by jes_lawson
10-28-04
Mr. Blessed! Mr. Boitano! Run for your lives! Dyslexic Zombies!
BRIANS!

 

by jes_lawson
10-28-04
Man, that was one tough programming session!
Yeah, I've had enough of void pointers and malloc. So what do you want to do now?
Hey! How about we go and drink some iodine, then take some Ecstacy?
You're forgetting one thing...
Which is...?
I before E, except after C.

 

by jes_lawson
10-29-04
Wow! I've escaped from the GM blueberry farm! Only the most improbable of events can stop me now!
Suddenly, from above...
AAAH!
SPLAT!
Oh yeah, That's gotta hurt!

 

by jes_lawson
11-05-04
MC Rasta Derecks , you've been banned from entering the UK because of the inflammatory content of your songs.
That which is the case, Gerald. I am most aggrieved.
So, in your own words, what are the problem slogans?
*Ahem* - "Fip man gwanna lick up dem batty bwoy widdim fiyah, I an I mooga-mooga riddim Jah gwan"
I...see...
If I'm inciting anything in the average Basingstoke resident, surely it's got to be confusion.

 

by jes_lawson
11-05-04
Bah! Someone must have translated my lyrics! But who?
Sean Paul! Did you translate my-
Ah gwanna he-ah man a gwan a dem a wan, hey!
I don't care how much you saved on long distance calls, did you translate my songs or not?

 

by jes_lawson
11-09-04
Where's yesterday's homework, Janey?
Assimilate it!
Don't be silly, ssimils are merely theoretical creatures and therefore almost certainly non-existant! Remember how we talked about the Theory of Evolution?
Yes, yes I understand. But where leaves thine argument re: The Theory of Gravity?
Several miles towards the heavens...
AAAAH!
I see you met the little one whose homework I ate.

 

by jes_lawson
11-09-04
15 years ago...
Tear down this wall!
Right you are!

 

by jes_lawson
11-09-04
If ze United States thinks it can influence French policy on beefsteaks, lamb chops and cooked gammon, I say, "Pah!"
Now if you'll excuse me, I 'ave to make some pancakes and 'ash browns!
Who was that?
Dominic de Grillpan.

 

by jes_lawson
11-11-04
Who chases after Han Solo and sleeps in an alleyway?
Who?
Hobo Fett!

 

by jes_lawson
11-11-04
Your job for the next few weeks will be to test the teleconferencing software. Use the PC to make a few test calls.
Can do.
Right here we go...
"The number you have dialled....has not been recognised. You are being redirected..."
OK, now this is just surreal...
Salaam. This is Yasser Arafat. To whom am I speaking?

 

by jes_lawson
11-11-04
Mr. Arafat! But you...you died!
That is true, and I now find myself in some kind of limbo.
Really? What's it like?
I am in a fantastic shining city of light, set among a vista of undreamt of splendour and...AAAAGH!
Mister Arafat! What's wrong?
THE GOD DAMN ISRAELIS ARE BULLDOZING MY HOUSE!

 

by jes_lawson
11-14-04
Oh NO! It's the freaky dream with the counting and the random nubers again!
67593. 67593. 17102. 17102. 12345. 12345. 67890. 67890.
Paranoia! Things that don't make sense! Grotesque subhuman creatures!
AAAGH!
Blood Blood Blood Blood!
Urgh...I've got to stop watching Sesame Street before I go to bed.

 

by jes_lawson
11-15-04

 

by jes_lawson
11-15-04

 

by jes_lawson
11-15-04
So, about that Ecstacy...
Yeah, I need to go and see Lionel Richie for that.
Lionel! Open up! It's me!
|° Hello? Is it E you're looking for? °|

 

by jes_lawson
11-16-04
Hey! The President's movements have improved! What's happened?
Oh that? Yeah, he's taking on Rice a lot more now.
He was suffering from Irritable Powell Syndrome.

 

by jes_lawson
11-16-04
The US Military have all but secured the Iraqi town of Fallujah.
Sources say the only resistance left comes from "Die Hard insurgents" and won't be an issue.
Does anyone else see the problem with that?
Yippe-kai-ay Mutha****as!
Woo!

 

by jes_lawson
11-16-04
Ohayo gozaimasu, customer! Regard with great respect these remarkable deals I am offering right now!
Hmm...
I must admit, there are some bargains worthy of the Shogun himself.
But I'm sure I saw a better one down at Honest Yamada's Discount Auto Warehouse. Sayonara!

 

by jes_lawson
11-16-04
How...how can this be? I have brought shame upon myself with my failure to offer the best value!
Honorable Ninja!
Great Sensei of the Used Car Trade!
You have dishonoured your clan and your profession, my son. You know what you must do.
Hai! I shall commit seppuku, with the suspect clutch of the old Dodge Viper in the garage.
Great is your failure, but not as great as the deals I shall be offering when I repossess your dealership and dance on your corpse!

 

by jes_lawson
11-18-04
Yeurgh...
GAH!
Is it too much to ask for a knight to feed his donkey some FIBRE?!

 

by jes_lawson
11-23-04
I'm worried about my new workplace. I saw a sticker on a colleague's desk.
It read:
"You don't have to be mad to work here, but AAAGH! THE VOICES!"

 

by jes_lawson
11-23-04
I'm worried about my new workplace. I saw a sticker on a colleague's desk.
It read:
"You don't have to be mad to work here, but 73% of us are prone to violent schizophrenic outbursts."

 

by jes_lawson
11-23-04
Bother! It's too dark to see where I'm going again!
*CRASH*
Ow! What the hell have I stepped in? Feels like diamonds or rings or something!
*CLICK*
Oh blast!
RAARRGH! Gunna fuggin fragada Sharon gradda RAAARGH!

 

by jes_lawson
12-01-04
You do know how to "whistle" don't you, Stevie? You just put your lips together and...blow!
I'd buy that for a dollar!
Get away from her you BITCH!
You've got a purty mouth!
You didn't tell me you were taking me to a gay bar!
The horror! the horror!

 

by jes_lawson
12-09-04
Weeeeeooooo....
OK, just one more question to answer and I'll have got my university degree nailed!
*THONK!*
YEAGH!
You scheduled the Computer Science finals and the javelin finals in the same place, at the same time?
The year's budget for separate examination rooms went on installing an extra satellite TV on the football team's bus.

 

by jes_lawson
12-09-04
Goodly ranger! Dost thou know the best way to Abingdon, in the Shire of Oxford?
Why yes good knight, I...
Gadzooks, thou fecker! I had one more payment to make on that suit of armour! Mine wench is going to kill me...

 

by jes_lawson
12-16-04
So what did you do in America?
Idaho!
Where did you go, Boise, or...
No. I'd a ho!
Ah, right. Was she tight?
Aye.

 

by jes_lawson
12-17-04
...and then, money shot! I don't understand doc, we've been trying for ages, why am I not pregnant?
I don't understand either, both you and your husband are healthy.
Are my boobs not plastic enough? Do we do doggy before the oral or after? Or is my husband not jizzing on the right part of my face? Or...
What kind of twisted individual taught you Sex Ed.?
10 years earlier...
Class, for some reason I'm being sued for libel in Venezuela, so while I'm out, watch this Jenna Jameson DVD I downloaded last night.

 

by jes_lawson
12-21-04
And the guy says "Hold on Gawain, you can't park your warhorse there..."
Hold on there, Knighty, I hear the delivery wench at the door.
Pizza for Good King Wenseslas?
Verily. Thank ye, miss.
What did you get us?
Deep pan, Crisp and Even.

 

by jes_lawson
12-31-04
Excuse me. I'm looking for a gift for my father; he collects historical timepieces. Do you have any suggestions?
*hourglass icon*
Thanks! That's perfect!
*hourglass icon*
How about a Great Moments of History Carriage clock: Albert Einstein invents Cheez-Wizz! Only $59.99!

 

by jes_lawson
1-13-05
Say Jes, I hear you have a really tiny dick. How big is it?
Big enough to put a baby in a pram.
Oh...commiserations...
It's due in June.

 

by jes_lawson
1-14-05
Wait, so...you're NOT going to be a dad?
God, no! But a guy at work just had a kid and he won't shut up about it.
I see.
Yeah.
So how did this guy give...
His wife, it was his wife that did the actual birthing part YOU KNOW WHAT I MEANT!

 

by jes_lawson
1-17-05
Because of Workmate's new kid, I've had to listen to all the other dad's stories about their sprogs.
How it's "cute" for their 2-year olds to eat "ground spaghetti" when they find worms in the garden.
How spending 20 hours at the hospital waiting for yor lady to give birth is considered being a good dad.
When you could as easily go to work, make some money, and arrive when she's just about to pop.
You could then use the money earned to buy good things for your new child.
Like a childproof fence to keep them out of the garden when they get older and more hungry.

 

by jes_lawson
1-17-05
Don't get me wrong, one day I'd like a few little Jes's running around.
The thing is, to be honest,
I need a lot more practice at making them first!

 

by jes_lawson
1-19-05
Hey!
What? What is?
Would a possessed skeletal dog bury its' own bones?
Wanting to pull grepping rib-bonings out your torso I am! Too much Scoobski-Doo you watching is!
Ah yes. This, from the guy, who tried to look up Cling-Film on IMDB.
Critics said it retained freshness did!

 

by jes_lawson
1-20-05
Tonight's headlines!
President Bush sworn in; at.
Also tonight: The final panel with Le Chef has been cancelled, due to budget cuts.

 

by jes_lawson
1-20-05
"Dear Sir/Madame"
"Would you like a free Swedish body massage?"
"To Find out more, call..."

 

by jes_lawson
1-23-05
Boss, I'm sick of Spain, I want to go back to England.
No problem David, a £40 million offer has come in!
Cool! Erm, like, which club?
Newcastle.
No way! I've seen what the Toon Army did to Asia!

 

by jes_lawson
1-29-05
Hey, what the hell do you think you're doing?
I was...uh...practicising for the World Series of Minesweeper?
I don't care if you were this country's best player, you're fired!
And in sports, the sudden withdrawl of Kevin Geekson left the U.S.Minesweeper team devastated.
Citing no reason, Geekson's abscence will almost certainly hand victory to the Russians in the all important Expert category.

 

by jes_lawson
1-29-05
EEEAAAGH! The bathroom is infested!
If you mean the slugs, I've dealt with them
I think this infestation is going to need more than some salt.
You're full of haddock shite, donkey! Wait here...
...it can't be that...EEEAAAGH!
Hoi! Do you mind? I'm trying to get a little privacy in here!

 

by jes_lawson
2-03-05
Good evening. Few people know that most of the world's great pop songs were written by one man.
His name was Kevin Mark Dudley Spungingson.
In this series, I'll be looking at the remarkable procedure he used to write his songs.

 

by jes_lawson
2-05-05
"Now I'm not unhappy that you just wanted a quick one night stand, but you lied to me to get one, so I'm kind of elated yet confused right now."
"Also, you should check a guy for cold sores before you ask him to go down on you, as after 15 Southern Comforts, with the promise of some clam diving, he tends to forget."
"Good luck with that, by the way."

 

by jes_lawson
2-05-05
From an early age, Spungingson was writing songs and lyrics, based on simple observations
Follow the van!
OK Dad!
What did our old man say, Jane?
He said "Follow the van!"
Though they would take some years to mature...
"My old man said Follow the van"...hrrmmm...or maybe "Follow the Bum"?

 

by jes_lawson
2-05-05
You and I need to have a chat.
Fine with me.

Showing page 14.

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