All comics by bigworm

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by bigworm
11-17-10
Good God Almighty!!! I never saw anything like that!!! You murderated him!!!
You tore him limb from fuckin' blabbering limb! But I heard you warn him, just in case the cops ask why you did it! I heard you...
...you said, "Don't touch my pecker faggot!"

 

by bigworm
11-17-10
My dear Bristol... soon you'll be on your own.
You will come to be known as the 'Best Pudgy Dancer In The World'.
But mommy... I don't know how to dance!
But you do know how to suck cock.

 

by bigworm
11-17-10
Like I said my dear Bristol... soon you'll be on your own.
So what part of "Get the fuck out already!" don't you understand?

 

by bigworm
11-17-10
Bye now.
But mommy... I can't be on my own yet, I don't even have a jacket
Then I suggest you head for the furriers and suck his dick as fast as you can.

 

by bigworm
11-17-10
Gee mommy, you make it sound like everything in life revolves around sucking cock.
Remember your lessons...
Except for Eskimos... right?
That's right... and why?
Because they don't 'suck' cock... they chew it!!!

 

by bigworm
11-17-10
And do you remember why Eskimos kiss with their noses?
ummm....
Yes...?
...because ummm...
...because they chew cock with their mouths!

 

by bigworm
11-18-10
Ok Bristol... we've been chatting long enough. The snow's gettin' kinda' high, and there just isn't enough room in the igloo for you any more, catch you in Hollywood maybe.
*brrrrrrr* Bye mommy.
Oh boy... there's some friendly looking penguins! Maybe they can help keep me warm.
You see what I see?
Let's hit it!

 

It's a shame all they'll know us by is cigarettes, coffee, and bones.
I would like to have met them in person.
by bigworm, 11-18-10

 

by bigworm
11-18-10
I wish I had arms long enough to reach MY dick!
I wish I could STOP!

 

by bigworm
11-23-10
Hey Turkey!!!
See ya!!!
Wouldn't wanna' be ya...

 

by bigworm
11-23-10
Have you seen Turkey?
Turkey's gone. He moved.
Where to?
You know...
...up in the sky!

 

by bigworm
11-24-10
Turkey's moved "up in the sky..."?
That was just a friendly euphemism.
For what?
Oven.

 

by bigworm
11-26-10
Just another saturday morning meeting of the 'Gang of Dinosaurs' coffee clatch.
Did you hear the latest about the '12th. Meteorite'?
You're a kook, and you know I don't buy into that stuff.
There was always a squabble...
Yeh I know, but I'm thinkin' maybe it was tied into that poster.
What poster?
... when 'G.O.D.' got together.
You know... the one that said "EVENT...Coming Soon to a Planet Near You!!!".
Man, if I had a nickel...

 

by bigworm
11-26-10
You're busted!!! You just said... "Man... if I had a nickel." You used two terms ('man' and 'nickel'), that presuppose a future in which both terms exist.
So I did. What's your point?
You're a kook too!
Ok, I'll grant you that, but there's a big... big difference! You see, I'm JUST a kook.
Oh, and what am I?
A kook that looks like lunch.

 

by bigworm
11-26-10
It always comes down to a threat with you, doesn't it?
I'm a T-Rex for Christ's sake!
There you go again! I know, I know... you just had to do it, right?
What?!?
Invent religion!
Goddamnit... someone had to do it!

 

by bigworm
11-26-10
Although camels weren't around yet...
Hey, I gotta' idea! We can put my 'pre-apocalyptic' views together with your 'post-apocalyptic' views, into a single volume.
I think we should call it 'THE BIBLE'!
And again! There you go again!!!
What?
... this was the 'straw'.
You know what!
And we'll change our name to 'The One and Only G.O.D.'!!!

 

So... what's on the calendar for today?
Something about "Uppity dinosaur 'wake-up' call."
by bigworm, 11-26-10

 

by bigworm
11-26-10
So... what did you think of it?
What?
I don't really know what to call it.
Oh... I gottcha'. Ummm....
Got it! We can call it the 'other dark meat'!
I love it! Ha ha ha ha ha!

 

by bigworm
11-26-10
Do I have any pepper between my teeth?
No... I don't see any pepper.
But there's a shit-load of kinky little hairs.

 

by bigworm
11-26-10
You know what we should do before we eat the next village?
No... what?
Round the motherfuckers all up and make 'em shave first!!! Get it?
You know... the hair between the teeth problem?

 

by bigworm
11-26-10
Have you ever heard the phrase "Pushin' up daisies"?
No, can't say that I have.
How about "Pushin' your luck"?
No, I haven't heard that one either.
In that case... meet me back here in 5 minutes with uh... some butter on your horns.

 

by bigworm
11-26-10
Dear God in heaven... I'm going on a perilous pedophile sex tour in Thailand. I expect to be treated like trash and to have my sweet little pucci pucci b-b hole torn asunder, and my pussy licked.
I'm a little confused, are you going as a pedophile, or as a victim of pedohilia?
I was a little confused myself until right now. Now that I see the bulge in your pants, I'm pretty sure that I'll be going as a victim.
Concious or unconcious? If you want some booze first, you'd better tell me now.

 

by bigworm
11-28-10
STARDATE: MILLIONS OF YEARS AGO.
Come in 'Pillar of Salt Woman'... come in... do you read me...over.
GPS: NOAH'S CAVE-[but wait! what sort of treachery have we here?]
I'm right behind you 'Pillar of Salt Man'. Can you look back over your shoulder?
CONDITIONS: 'GRAVE'...TEMPORAL DISPLACEMENT AND POOR ADMINISTRATION HAS LEFT COUPLES SEPARATED AND FULL OF WOE.
I don't think so, 'Pillar of Salt Woman'. Been there... done that.

 

by bigworm
11-28-10
STARDATE: MILLIONS OF YEARS AGO.
If I don't get out of this cave soon, I'll go insane. Something with a big raspy tongue keeps licking my ass, over and over, day in... day out. Is there no respite for a 'Pillar of Salt Man'?
GPS: NOAH'S CAVE- [where the rash gets heavy... in the gluteal trench!]
Lick lick lick... slurp. Lick lick lick... slurp. Lick lick lick... slurp. Lick lick lick... slurp. Lick lick lick... slurp. Lick lick lick... slurp. Lick lick lick... slurp. Lick lick lick... slurp.
CONDITIONS: 'DIRE'... THE COW COUPLE DISCUSS QUALITY OF THEIR LATEST 'LICK' SHIPMENT.
Ewww! There's something wrong with that salt. It has a funny flavor.
I'm not even sure it's salt! It tastes more like shit to me.

 

by bigworm
11-28-10
Why'd you go and wreck my fuckin' boat?
I told you to get 2 of every creature! You didn't do that... did you? You tried to cut corners... didn't you?
I did not! I had 2 of everything, and you know it! You just want an excuse to give me boils.
Bullshit!!! I've gotta' witness!
Sorry dude... you want your hat back?

 

"We were ecstatic when we took the 'silver'!"
by bigworm, 11-28-10

 

by bigworm
11-30-10
I'll be right there Sonny, gotta' grab a roll of tums.
I gotta' make sure I'm ready. I'm too old to be caught short when I'm out on the town.
Lemme think now... anything else?

 

by bigworm
11-30-10
I'll be right there Sonny, gotta' grab a roll of tums.
I gotta' make sure I'm ready. I'm too old to be caught short when I'm out on the town.
Lemme think now... anything else?

 

by bigworm
11-30-10
Girls... don't wear brown socks out on a date.
As the evening progresses, it just becomes too difficult to remember.
Did I wipe my ass with the left one or the right one?

 

by bigworm
11-30-10
I've run outa' tokens!
This 'blind date' business is a buncha' shit!
I can't play anymore, I need more tokens!
I hear ya already!
Well... ?
Obama?

 

by bigworm
12-01-10
I'm thinking this a new era. I'm thinking 'CHOCOLATE SNOWFLAKES'. They come from the asshole of a giant chocolate snowman.
Does he live in a big brown cloud up in the sky, and when he farts, it's the thunder?
Well... not exactly. Actually he lives on top of Mt. Everest, and he never farts at all.
How... pray tell, does a giant chocolate snowman get on top of Mt. Everest? Furthermore, how does he shit snowflakes without ever farting?

 

by bigworm
12-01-10
So I said to him, "How does a giant chocolate snowman shit snowflakes without ever farting?"
And he had no answer?
None... he was dumbstruck!
I've said it before, and I'll say it again...
... the dude doesn't belong in marketing!

 

by bigworm
12-01-10
So, are you gonna' pitch his idea to the CEO?
Yes, but after I've touched it up so that it's presentable.
Here it is boss! A giant chocolate snowman lives on top of Mt. Everest. He shits 'CHOCOLATE SNOWFLAKES' out his ass, and he never ever farts!
He shits but never farts?!! Jesus Christ man, get real! Tell me what the flakes are made out of.
Food color and sugar sir!
Well BRAVO!!! At least you got that right!

 

by bigworm
12-01-10
Yessir, food color and sugar... the kids'll eat it up.
Just hold on a minute, there's a few problems here. The first is that there's no such thing as brown food coloring.
That's right sir, I should've said chocolate covered sugar.
No... too expensive! No chocolate!
Dirt?
Now you're talkin'!

 

by bigworm
12-01-10
We represent the cutting edge in cereal marketing strategy. Our new target is the vast untapped market of delinquent youth. Which of you is up to the task?
I'll take the job sir!
Aren't you the alcoholic pizza delivery boy we all mock and deride every time you show up?
Yessir I am!
Why would I give you the job?
For one, I'd stop blowin' my nose on your pizzas.

 

by bigworm
12-02-10
Look you guys... we've wasted the last hour talkin' about 'CaCa Krispies', 'BoBo Beans', and all that kinda' shit. Let's get serious now. What do you have?
*psst* Jennifer just got here.
Listen up everybody... if you haven't already met her, this is Jennifer. She's joining our project team. What have you got for me Jennifer?
I'm thinking 'no gimmicks', 'no funny shapes'. We just hit 'em with what it is.
And what is it Jennifer?
'Cereal Unusually Nutritious & Tasty'.

 

by bigworm
12-02-10
Oh me oh my! Isn't 'Cereal Unusually Nutritious & Tasty' perhaps a little too 'come hitherish' of a name?
You do want people to buy it, don't you?
Indeed I do Jennifer, indeed I do.
I've taken the liberty of preparing some samples in my own kitchen. I was up so late... moaning and groaning to finish it off. Would you like to see a sample... sir?
Please... feel free to show me the whole box!

 

by bigworm
12-02-10
Well Jennifer, you have a lot of initiative! Perhaps we could retire to my office and you could show me your 'cereal sampling box'. You say you made these by hand eh?
Yes, but it really took both my hands, and my biggest rolling pin. It took me so long... I had to replace the batteries.
Now... where were we? Oh yes, your battery powered rolling pin. *Ahem*... back to the cereal. What shape will the cereal be, and what flavor have you in mind?
The cereal will be in the form of 'little lips', and it will be oh so sugary sweet...
Yes, go on!
... with just a hint of yeast.

 

by bigworm
12-02-10
OOOhhh, this cereal is fine! *munch munch*, and just the right proportion of yeast! Oh, and I think I detect a hint of poo...
Back off big boy, that's not part of the cereal. I think we're done now.
Please... can't I have just a little more?
Yes you can in just a little while. But you need to get ready because we're going now.
Where are we goin'?
I thought we'd just make a quick trip to the slaughter-house.

 

by bigworm
12-04-10
So, this dude comes up me and says "I'm God, and I'm looking for someone to write my memoirs."
So I said "I'd love to do it, but you're God, and I ain't nothin' but Jack Shit!"
So he says "Does flame broiled Jack Shit sound good to you?" So I say "Sure, but could you make it 'flame broiled Monterey Jack Shit?"

 

by bigworm
12-04-10
It was right then...
*BA-WHAAA, KA-FLOOEE!* OUCH!
... I knew I'd made a mistake!

 

by bigworm
12-04-10
Actually...
...it was a big mistake!

 

by bigworm
12-04-10
So I says to God "I certainly am sorry if I said anything that possibly could have offended you."
I found his reponse to be very disappointing. He basically said...
..."Too late."

 

by bigworm
12-04-10
So here I am... a pile of flame broiled Monterey Jack Shit.
I should've just left the 'Monterey' part out...
...'cus this sure as hell ain't life on the coast!

 

by bigworm
12-04-10
I've been thinkin' about it a little more. If you put something in the mouth for starters...
...it then travels 'through' the stomach, ending up at the asshole...
...having to be reamed out.

 

by bigworm
12-05-10
Pile of Shit gets everything in order for his performance that evening.
testing 1-2-3... testing 1-2-3... testing... Uhh...could I have someone lower the mike for me please?
Backstage...
I ain't his fuckin' boy. You lower it!
If I do it, he'll just come on to me again.
Excuse me! Could someone please come lower the mike for me?!?

 

by bigworm
12-07-10
Good morning everyone. This is William. William is a brilliant thinker, though lately he has fallen on hard times. Give 'em your thoughts on cereal William.
Basically, children want sugar. Put sugar in the name, and sugar in the product. Name it something like 'Cotton Candy Puffs'.
The 'puffs' would be different colors, and a certain percentage of each color would be designed to dissolve quickly, causing the child to want more cereal poured into their bowl.
You'll have 'C.C. Puffs' for girls, and 'C.C. Puffs' for boys, making it neccessary for parents to purchase more boxes of cereal, and giving the kids a basis for expressing smugness to one another.
The quickly dissolving 'puffs' will super-saturate the cereal milk with sugar, causing the child to ravenously gulp, guzzle, lick, slurp, and suck down every last freaking drop... in the bowl that is.
Thus, pleasing the mothers by getting the child to drink their milk, as well as *ahem*... preparing the child for adulthood.

 

by bigworm
12-07-10
I'm liking it William! Please... continue on.
So, to summarize...
... we have kids eating much more cereal, eating much more sugar, drinking much more milk, and thus becoming much more congested. This leads to a whole new branch...
... pharmaceuticals. There's a virtual fortune to be made in 'child decongestants', if you don't have millions of congested children, C.C. Puffs and milk will give us millions of congested children.
You'll market the decongestant first, so that the link to the cereal is less obvious. If the link is seen and blown up, you simply blame the dairy industry. C.C. Puffs remains pristine.
Sirs, the future of our world ie. the children, is already in jeopardy. If we swap it for the dollar, we can purchase them and ourselves a glorious NEW future, where lots more kids play in the park!

 

by bigworm
12-07-10
William, although I can appreciate your thinking, and it's potential benefit to our corporate family... I question your concern for the children.
Jennifer... you're fired!
William... you're hired!

 

by bigworm
12-07-10
Life is suffering.
It is?
Yes.
So jacking off is suffering?
Yes.
That explains why I do it so much.

Showing page 15.

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