All comics by biped

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by biped
10-09-04
I understand we're exploding in five minutes because you're depressed. Anything you'd care to talk about?
I got a "Dear Tex" letter from muh gal, Sally June. She's leavin' me fer a dentist. A gol-durn DENTIST!
There's no shame in that, Tex. Dentists are manly, virile beasts. Women are always at the mercy of their irresistible masculinity.
Aren't you the ship's dentist?
Err...yes. Yes, I am.
Then SHUT UP!

 

by biped
10-09-04
O Chicken Gods, if there are indeed Chicken Gods, please hear my fervent prayer and save me from getting blown up!
Chickens don't have gods, Astro-Chicken, because they are godless heathens. Ducks, however, have dozens of gods, and I am Quackus, King of the Duck Gods.
O Quackus, King of the Duck Gods! Please save me from getting blown up!
Sorry, I just dropped in to see if there were any ducks on the ship. If there had been, I would have done something, but there aren't, so I'm afraid I can't help you.
But -- can't a duck god help a chicken? Just this ONCE -- can't a DUCK GOD help a CHICKEN?
DUCK GOD HELP A CHICKEN? Why, that's ABSURD! Ducks HATE chickens! Frankly, I'm glad you're about to blow up.

 

by biped
10-09-04
Less than a minute to self-destruct, Astro-Chicken. Did you make your peace with your chicken gods?
I already told you -- chickens don't HAVE gods. What about YOU, Tex? Did you make your peace with YOUR god?
DANG! I FERGOT! Uh, Dear Lord, I, uh...please don't hold it agin me that I..I...uh...I beseech Thee, and... uh... err...
PUM!!! PUM!!! PAH-RUM-PUM-PUM!!! Hope I'm not distractin' you there, Tex! Heh, heh! PUM-PUM PAH PUM-PUM!!! PA-RUM PUM PUM PUM PUM!!! PAH--

 

by biped
10-09-04
I made you some home-made menstrual pads, Vicki! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Uh...thanks, Biff.
Later...
Well, did the home-made menstrual pads work okay?
No. No, they didn't, Biff.
Oh. Well, anyway, they're hand-washable.

 

by biped
10-09-04
Helen...I'm pregnant.
Mom...Dad and I are getting married.
Mrs. Danvers...you have a yeast infection.

 

by biped
10-09-04
Ma'am...the bloodthirsty serial killer your testimony put behind bars has escaped.
Boss...I'm afraid "Lovely Lass" cosmetics has been taken over by your evil twin.
At last I've found you! My REAL mom!

 

by biped
10-09-04
Mrs. Danvers...your yeast infection has developed into bubonic plague.
The divorce was invalid. You're still married...to a living corpse. BRAINS!!! BRAINS!!! BRAINS!!!
At last I've found you! My REAL daughter!

 

by biped
10-09-04
Human test subject procured! Commence painful anal probes!
I swore I'd get even with you for sending me to the slammer! EAT HOT LEAD, BITCH!
BRAINS!!! BRAINS!!! BRAINS!!!
BRAINS!!! BRAINS!!! BRAINS!!!

 

by biped
10-09-04
Wow! You're the coolest mom EVER!
BRAINS!!! BRAINS!!! BRAINS!!!
BRAINS!!! BRAINS!!! BRAINS!!!
Okay! Okay! You can have your company back! (Boy, I sure do hate phlegm!) GAG!!!
"Lovely Lass" cosmetics! For today's smart, sassy, "on-the-go" gal with good looks AND --
BRAINS!!! BRAINS!!! BRAINS!!!

 

by biped
10-10-04
We are the horseys of Hippie Joe...
...we help him score his weed and blow.
We go with him on marches for peace...
...and give horsey rides to Edith, his niece.
We tuck him in and tell him stories...
...about Feldman and Haim -- the fabulous Coreys.

 

by biped
10-11-04
MAW-ma! If I THANK about it hard enuff, I kin MOVE thangs!
GO TO YOUR ROOM, Carrietta!
Oh, I'm so HEPPEH -- so vay-reh HEPPEH that Taw-meh Rawss has asted meh ta tha PRAWM!
Whut HEPP'NED? Everbodeh's BURNT UP -- an' tha PRAWM is ROONT! Maw-ma's gonna KILL meh!

 

by biped
10-11-04
Whoa -- a messy one. What's the scoop, Chief?
Coal shoved down throat, switches shoved up ass. Looks like Santa's been on a bender.
Coulda been Santa. Or maybe, just maybe -- an evil Santa robot.
Well, whoever it was, he'll fry for this.
Santa, the cops are looking for you. Hope you have an alibi.
I sure do! I was fucking a little -- oh, shit.

 

by biped
10-11-04
We demand the right, to hear things loud and clear! I'm tired of always missin' out, and havin' to cup my ear!
Hoo god, yeah --
SAY IT LOUD! I'M DEAF AND I'M PROUD!
WHUT? WHUT YOU SAY?
SAY IT LOUD! I'M DEAF AND I'M PROUD!
HUH! SAY IT AGAIN!

 

by biped
10-12-04
This just in -- chimpanzee named "Pickles" accidentally elected Pope.
Please, Pope Pickles... uh, The First... you're supposed to go out and address the masses now... come on... that's a good Pope... cooome on...
Ooo-ooo-ooo...ooo-ooo...EEEEE!!! EEEEE-EEEEEE!!! OOOOOO-AAAAA!!! EEEEEE-EEEEEE!!!
Thaaat's good...now make the little hand sign that I showed you...

 

by biped
10-13-04
My wife would kill me if I hired a pretty female secretary. So I hired some guy named "Sam."
Why are you telling me this? I don't give two hot shits about you or that bitch-hog wife of yours, asshole.
Hi! I'm Sam!
YOU'RE "SAM"? As in, "Samantha"? OH NO!!!
What's the matter? Are you against hiring a woman?
No -- I'm against my wife cutting my dick off.

 

by biped
10-13-04
Glad to be on your day off from the mortuary?
It's not so bad. I get to wallow in blood and guts, handle dismembered corpses, bask in the glorious, gory horror of --
I'm getting the giant rubber band.
I'll get the atomic rocket skates.

 

by biped
10-13-04
MAN OH MAN! That cow is HOT! HUBBA-HUB --
NO! Stay AWAY from it! It's DEADLY!
HERE IT COMES!!! NO!!! NO!!! HELLLLP!!!
YAAAAAAAA!!! DEADLY HOT COW!!!
Just...s-smile...and act casual...maybe it'll g-go away...heh, heh...
Ha, ha...(gulp)...nice c-cow...nice deadly, hot cow...heh...h-heh...

 

by biped
10-14-04
Mom...Dad... (sniff) I...I'm running away from home.
Oh, you are? Well, good luck, son. (chuckle)
Of course, your mom and I will miss you, son. But if this is what you really want to do, we won't stop you. (wink)
Goodbye, Timmy. Don't forget about your dad and me when you're out in the cold, dark, scary world all by yourself. (wink)
Later...
I don't give a fuck if you tired! I got forty mo' blow jobs lined up fo' you tonight, BITCH!
FUCK YOU, Skeet! One of these days I'm gonna feed you your own fuckin' BALLS!

 

by biped
10-17-04
I hungry. I go to trough now. Where food usually is.

 

by biped
10-20-04
Okay Babs, tape's rolling...let's see if we can nail this track in one take. And three...two...one...
***FRRRRRRT!!!*** ***FRRT-RHHHRRT-RRRT!!!*** ***THH-THHH-THHHT!!!*** ***PEE-YOOOO-UUURRRRT!!!***
Whew! Smells like a keeper! You know, I think this is going to be the best fart machine ever.
Yeah...hey, ain't it lunchtime yet? They're havin' a big chili blow-out down at Wendy's!

 

by biped
10-21-04
I run an unsuccessful abortion clinic.
I own and manage a failing restaurant.
*LIGHT BULB*
*LIGHT BULB*
Whew! Busy night! Can I help you, sir?
Yes, my wife wants an abortion, and then we'd like the fetus prepared Italiano-style with a savory parmesian sauce.

 

by biped
10-23-04
We interrupt this program for a special news bulletin -- the United States is under nuclear attack. New York City, Los Angeles, and Washington, D.C. have already been obliterated.
Hundreds of nuclear missiles from several countries are criss-crossing the globe. Worldwide disaster -- perhaps even the extinction of the entire human race -- is at hand.
I like the green M&M's.

 

by biped
10-25-04
I'm so proud! My big brother is judging the latest official Comics Competition on "stripcreator"!
No, that's just what he told you. He's actually judging the latest "World's Worst."
NO HE ISN'T! You TAKE THAT BACK, you dirty LIAR!
If you don't believe me, see for yourself.
OMIGOD, NO...NO!!! I HATE YOU, SMAMURAI!!! I HATE YOU!!! WAAAAAA-HAAAAAAAA!!! KILL!!! KILL!!! KILL!!!

 

by biped
10-25-04
Hi, I have an appointment with Dr. Smith. The name is Spiderman. That's S-P-I-D-E...
Spiderman? Wow! I can't believe you just came out and revealed your secret identity like that!
Oh, did I say "Spiderman"? Ha, ha...I meant to say Parker. Peter Parker. Yeah, that's it.
Too late now. You already told me you were Spiderman, Spiderman.
Yeah, but...uh...I meant to say "Superman." Heh, heh. That's it...I'm really Superman.
Superman? What the heck are you doing with ringworms, Superman?

 

by biped
10-25-04
Bob, I have something to tell you, and while I'm doing it, I want you to keep thinking to yourself...
"Bear shit ain't all that bad...bear shit ain't all that bad...bear shit ain't all that bad..."
Because that's what your wife and kids are now, Bob. Bear shit.

 

by biped
10-25-04
Bob, I'll just come right out and say it -- a bear just ate your wife and kids.
Even now, the bear's digestive system is processing their masticated remains. And when it's done, they'll be bear shit, and will emerge from the bear's asshole.
Unless, of course, the bear gets sick to its stomach. Then, they'll just be a big ,steaming pile of bear vomit.

 

by biped
10-25-04
Bob -- you see that big bear over there takin' a shit?
Yeah...what about it?
That shit...is your wife and kids.

 

by biped
10-26-04
Wow, that sure smells good, John! And you say the new Shmopeil "Amaze-o Oven" will cook a 20-pound roast in half the time?
Thet's roit, Nan-ceh! Thet suh-tainly is wot oi sed! And not a bleedin' wurd of it true!
Huh? What do you mean, not true?
Sheer bollocks, the lot of it! But no worries, Nan-ceh! The cloth-eared gits who sit starin' at these fookin' infomercials will buy anythin' shiny!
Why, you're right! They ARE shiny! Hey, there's the "ding"! Roast is ready!
No it tisn't, Nan-ceh! But we'll pretend it tis, and then we'll "ooh an' ahh" aboot how juiceh and delicious it tis! Blimey, we'll make a fookin' killin'!

 

by biped
10-26-04
Our next amazing Shmopeil product is a foolproof remedy for the most hard-to-get-out stains! Right, John?
Thet's the claim, Nan-ceh! Of course, it tisn't anythin' of the sort! But we'll pretend it tis, won't weh? Fa shits 'n' giggles?
Why, this incredible new "Stain-A-Bolish" even gets out bloodstains, doesn't it, John? It's great for housewives!
Nan-ceh, who in the bleedin' 'ell do you know who's got poils of clothes wif fookin' bloodstains all over 'em? Think, Nan-ceh, think!
Uh...gosh...I don't know...uh...serial killers?
Thet's roit, Nan-ceh! We're marketin' this product ta serial killahs! That oughtta make ya Mum an' Dad proud, eh?

 

by biped
10-26-04
Well, now it's time to introduce -- the brand new Shmopeil "Vibe-O-Lux" Personal Vibrator! Why, it's just the thing for those tired, aching muscles!
Oi've got a tired achin' moosle ya can troi it oot on, Nan-ceh -- me big, throbbin' willie!
John! That's not what it's for! It's for massaging those tense, knotted-up back and neck muscles, and --
Horse shite, Nan-ceh! This dandeh li'l item is perfect fer shovin' up yer quiverin' snatch an' groindin' away loik theh's no tomorra! Give 'er a go, eh?
Well...if you say so...ooh! That feels funny!
Deloightful! Now be a good lass an' shove 'er up me bunghole, eh, luv? Noice an' deep, up to the 'ilt, that's a dear!

 

by biped
10-27-04
We're here LIVE with Chief Lester T. Welonmelon, whose entire police force is now using the fabulous new FORD PINTO! Right, Chief?
That's right, Bob. The fabulous new Ford Pinto makes a dandy little prowler, thanks to its high-performance engine and fuel-efficient --
OMIGOD! The chief's patrol car just BLEW UP! It...it must be a terrorist act protesting superior American automotive ingenuity!

 

by biped
10-27-04
Well, there's your new commercial. How do you like it?
LIKE it? Are you INSANE? It showed our product BLOWING UP and KILLING a COP!
Ehh...collateral damage. Besides, we blamed the "blowing up" part on terrorist envy of your product's greatness.
Hmm...that could be a selling point, I guess...
Shit yeah, Pops. "Buy A Pinto -- Piss Off A Terrorist." This shit practically writes itself.
Yes...YES! Why, now I'm GLAD they explode!

 

by biped
10-27-04
Yay! Our car exploded! This means the terrorists hate us, Dad -- just like in the commercial!
Our horrible deaths are a tribute to the automotive industry, Pookums!
America is UNDER ATTACK! Thanks, no doubt, to the FORD MOTOR COMPANY and the enviable superiority of their fabulous new FORD PINTO!
"Well, there goes my fucking clubhouse."
I FUCKED a PINTO, and it BLEW UP! Man, I've never felt so POTENT! I'm "SUPER-DICK!"
IT'S OFFICIAL, folks! The new FORD PINTO is now the OFFICIAL CAR of the INTERNATIONAL CAR-FUCKERS ASSOCIATION!

 

by biped
10-30-04
TRICK OR TREAT!
Oh, my! And who are you supposed to be, little boy?
I'm your dead son, Joey! You know, the one whose death you still blame yourself for!
"Jump, Joey! Mommy will catch you!" -- "Okay, Mommy! WHEEEE!" *SPLAAAAT!!!*

 

by biped
11-04-04
I M GOIN 2 RAPP U!!!111
Oh no!
Tune in next week when...
THE TAPE IS STUCK ON PAUSE, JEFF!!! DARN!!! NOW WE'LL NEVER KNOW WHAT HAPPENS NEXT IN THIS MOVIE!!!
DON'T WORRY, JOEY!!! I'LL ASK MY DAD HOW IT COMES OUT!!! I FOUND IT IN HIS UNDERWEAR DRAWER!!!

 

by biped
11-04-04
Look! Me found kitty cat! Are you glad me found kitty cat?
I, uh...hmm...
Helen's brief hesitation -- and failure to provide the correct response -- proved fatal to a potentially comic dialogue.
And now, Blaine and I will demonstrate the correct procedure.
Six hours later...
...me glad you glad me glad you glad me glad you glad me glad you glad me glad you glad me glad you glad me glad you glad me glad...
...you glad me glad you glad me glad you glad me glad you glad me glad you glad me glad you glad me glad you glad me glad you found kitty cat!

 

by biped
11-04-04
HEE HAW!!! ME DOG ON BALL!!! ME TAKE OVER STUPID CLASS NOW, SO SHUT UP, BUTTFACE!!! BEEP-BEEP!!!
HONK-HONK!!! OUT ME WAY!!! HERE ME COME IN BRAND NEW RACE CAR!!! BOING-BWOING!!! BLAH-BLAH-BLAH, YOU SUCK!!!
Uh...me, uh...me get chainsaw and...err...kill you with it? Umm...hee haw?
Very good, Debbie. You may now lick my balls.
W-will that be on the test?

 

by biped
11-04-04
We hope you have enjoyed the preceeding dramatizations. And now, it's time for you to apply what you have learned.
Ha ha, that's right, Blaine. So students, please respond to the following set-ups with an appropriate punchline...
SET-UP #1:
Look! Me found kitty cat! And THIS "pussy" reminded me of YOUR hairy pussy, Grandma! LET'S FUCK!!!
SET-UP #2:
Debbie, you don't have to worry about this silly old test. Just keep licking my balls, and I'll give you five nice, pretty stars.

 

by biped
11-05-04
Hey, Ed...is something different, or altered in any way, according to whether it's inside of something, or on top of something? And please, reply solely in two-letter words.
No, Al. If it is in, or if it is on, it is as it is, be it in or on.
Oh. Hey, Ed...are words containing an excess of three letters yet two fewer than six letters bad words?
Yes, Al. Those words are extremely bad. And if on any occasion I should chance to overhear you using a single one of those words, I'll summarily execute you.
Oh. Hey, Ed...that's mighty difficult to assimilate. Please, say it the way Dog On Round Thing would say it, so I can better understand.
HEE HAW!!! ME GET CHAINSAW AND USE IT TO EXECUTE YOU IF YOU USE ANY BAD FOUR-LETTER WORDS, AL!!! BOING-BWOING!!!

 

by biped
11-07-04
I'm almost there...almost there...OH! OH, YES! UH...UHH... UNNNNGGGGHHH!!!
Thanks for allowing me to masturbate to you, Debbie!
But...you missed the picture!
Oh...well, I'll just go ahead and autograph it, then!

 

by biped
11-08-04
I'm sorry, but I just ran over your dog.
Can I have a blow job?

 

by biped
11-10-04
The most effective jokes are often the result of diligent empirical research.
Excuse me. Did you just cross this road?
Yes. Yes, I did.
Why?
To get to the other side.
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

 

by biped
11-10-04
This is my house. Get out of my house.
This is my house. Your house is next door, Ted.
Woe is me...I was never born.
Yes, you were. Your mom had you.
Are we alive or dead? I forgot.
We are alive.

 

by biped
11-12-04
I am Biggles, the Giant Funny.
Ha... ha, ha... HA, HA, HA... HA HA HA HA HA HAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

 

by biped
11-13-04
I've been on Stripcreator for twelve hours straight! Maybe I'd better get some sleep!
zzzzzz... zzzzzzz... zzzzzzz... huh? What's that?
Look, Ying-Yang! It's a nerd in his underwear!
He's funny-looking, Goo-Goo! Let's cut his dick off!

 

by biped
11-13-04
NO! NO! DON'T CUT MY DICK OFF!
COME BACK HERE, YOU NERD!
Oh, shit! The haunted house background! I'll bet something scary's gonna happen!
I once fell into an upholstery machine, but I'm fully recovered now!
YAAAAAAAA!!!

 

by biped
11-13-04
HELP!!! HEEELLLPPP!!!
I once met a Zen master who was also a hot dog vendor! So I said, "Make me one with everything!"
What's going on here?
BRAD! Help me! I'm stuck inside the "make a comic" template!
I'm sorry, but the "Brad, Help Me" feature is only available to donors.
You BASTARD!

 

by biped
11-13-04
Well, if that's your attitude, I'll just stick your dumb ass in the graveyard for awhile.
NO, Brad! Something HORRIBLE AND SCARY will happen to me here! I just KNOW it will!
HEE HAW!!! ME GET CHAINSAW AND KILL YOU WITH IT!!! BEEP-BEEP!!! ME RACE CAR!!!
YAAAAAAAAAA!!!

 

by biped
11-13-04
I've got to hide somewhere! Hey...it sounds like there's some kind of party going on in this house! I'll just duck in there!
Oh, my...Billy left his computer on again. I'd better -- OMIGOD!!! BILLY!!!
MOM!!! HEEELLLPPP!!!
RAAAAAAR!!!

 

by biped
11-13-04
Whew! Thanks, Mom! You turned the computer off just in time!
That does it! No more Stripcreator for you, young man!
Well, at least the nightmare's over...it can't get any worse...
We'll see what your father has to say about all this!
NO!!! NOOOOO!!!
I understand someone's in need of a good spanking. We'll flip to see who goes first.

Showing page 15.

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