All comics by ivytheplant

Profile

 

by ivytheplant
9-14-04
I want to apply for the circulation desk job.
What are your qualifications?
I can read.
And?
My rubber band-shooting skills are unmatched west of the Mississippi.
You're hired. Come in tomorrow morning and bring the largest bag of rubber bands you can find. There's a Society of Bored Housewives meeting coming in.

 

by ivytheplant
9-17-04
Wow, you look terrible.
Ashy's been curling up with me at night, but she keeps pushing me off the bed.
Wait, Ashy's pushing you off the bed? I sense a slight disparity of force here...
I think she has some sort of anti-gravity ray powered by cuteness.
In that case, she's a cosmic threat. Finish her off now before she realizes her power.
It's too late. I'm under her control.

 

by ivytheplant
9-22-04
SSSSSSSSNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOO
Most places at least get an Indian summer.
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!
WOOHOO!

 

by ivytheplant
9-22-04
Check out my new stereo.
Awesome dude! So what did you do with your old one? That one was hot!
Well, I couldn't decide what I should do with it. It seemed too good to go to waste.
I, of course, would be more than happy to take it off your hands.
But in the end I found no takers so I just gave it to a homeless guy I found sleeping in the dumpster behind the Chinese place.
NOOOOOOO!!!!

 

by ivytheplant
9-23-04
*Things People Think About And Secretly Wish To Talk To Someone Else About It But Will Never Admit It In Public.
Man, have you ever taken a dump so awesome that it made you tear up?
Oh yeah! I love those! Had one of them just yesterday!
This is a new series that will explore those taboos.
Though I really hate the ones that burn coming out. It's like acidic or something.
I know what you mean. I get those after lots of mexican food.
And put them into the public setting for all to see.
Well, I gotta go! Nice talking to you!
You too. Let's do this again sometime!

 

by ivytheplant
9-23-04
*Things People Think About And Secretly Wish To Talk To Someone Else About It But Will Never Admit It In Public.
Man, this is turning into a crappy day.
What's wrong?
This is a new series that will explore those taboos.
My pubic hairs keep getting caught in the adhesive on my pad. Fucking hurts!
Oh, god, I hate that! I usually try to pull at it when no one's looking, but I'm sure someone noticed.
And put them into the public setting for all to see.
Why does this happen when there's no available bathroom?
Just more proof that god is a man. Bastard.

 

by ivytheplant
9-23-04
*Things People Think About And Secretly Wish To Talk To Someone Else About It But Will Never Admit It In Public.
Hey, have you ever noticed there's weird white funk around teeth when you haven't brushed in a couple days?
No, can't say that I have.
This is a new series that will explore those taboos.
I waited til my front teeth felt grainy before brushing. That's usually when I know it's time.
It might help your dental bill if you brushed more often.
And put them into the public setting for all to see.
Oh please. Just try and tell me you've never gone a few days without brushing due to sheer laziness.
Well, sure, but I made sure I wasn't going out in public any time soon.

 

by ivytheplant
9-23-04
*Things People Think About And Secretly Wish To Talk To Someone Else About It But Will Never Admit It In Public.
God, I feel miserable. I hate this cold.
I know what you mean. I was actually blowing chunks yesterday. Chunks!
This is a new series that will explore those taboos.
At least you have that. It's a relief to get chunks out. I'm stuck with the runny shit.
Have you ever thought about getting one of those suction things like they use for babies?
And put them into the public setting for all to see.
I tried, but it doesn't help when my sinuses are swollen too.
You know, if your sinuses swell closed, you can stick a q-tip gently up there and force them open.

 

by ivytheplant
9-23-04
*Things People Think About And Secretly Wish To Talk To Someone Else About It But Will Never Admit It In Public.
I think there's something wrong with my vagina. It smells awful even after a shower.
Maybe you have a yeast infection?
This is a new series that will explore those taboos.
No, then I'd get all those other symptoms. Maybe it has something to do with my medication?
Have you tried washing all the way up inside? That helps me.
And put them into the public setting for all to see.
Hrm, yeah. If that doesn't work, I guess I can keep spraying rose water up my pussy until things work out.
I hear lavender is good too.

 

by ivytheplant
9-28-04
Well, I got a job interview for tomorrow at Wal-Mart. Fingers crossed, I need the money more than my immortal soul.
They obviously don't know you're the reason behind a massive security scare.
I don't see you contributing to household expenses.
Technically I don't even live here so you can't collect.
I'll find a way if I have to astral project my hand into your bank account.
Just try it. I use the same bank your student loans are drawn off of. They'd suck you dry in seconds.

 

by ivytheplant
9-28-04
boinky33 uses holy water to make Kool-aid.
boinky33 caused a massive near-extinction of the human population 74,000 years ago.
boinky33 has caused God to kill more puppies than the entire 14-35 age group put together.
boinky33 is why Jews can't eat shellfish.
boinky33 has terrified nuns since the dawn of time.
boinky33 knows no bounds.

 

by ivytheplant
9-28-04
So I hear you were in a nuthouse. Welcome to the club.
You've stayed at a nuthouse?
Earlier that day...
I just found out what uranium dioxide tastes like!
I just ate 6 plants and shredded all Jonny's underwear. Still no one has fed me. Me-yow already!
I currently live in one.

 

by ivytheplant
9-29-04
You got a delivery from the Queen of the Night Emporium. Dare I ask what's going on now?
Making a harem. I'm collecting SC users for it.
Who are the poor suckers you'll be drugging and kidnapping.
MikeyG, mmyers, jes_lawson, choadwarrior, UnknownEric, Ranger77, AthiestDiary, boorite...the usual assortment.
Don't several of them have wives and/or girlfriends?
Not too concerned about that. Red and black satin or purple and gold velvet for the curtains?

 

by ivytheplant
10-01-04
What's up?
Check this out. I just bought double potency liquid catnip in a spray bottle.
Oh man. This I gotta see!
*spray*
10 seconds later...
AAAAHHHH! There's bugs everywhere! They're all out to get me!
FRENZY!!!

 

by ivytheplant
10-01-04
What are you doing?
Rolling in this delightful scent.
That's my spot on the cat tree!
I don't see your name anywhere on it.
Have at you!
You will never take my rightful place as leader of the cat tree!!

 

by ivytheplant
10-02-04
What's up?
I was going over my training manual for my receiving associate job at Wal-Mart (Cthulhu help me) and I found this part interesting.
That's just a fancy name for "stockboy," you know.
Apparently, by the end of week two, I'm supposed to "Understand the POS Replenishment process."
As a stockboy, shouldn't that be the first thing you learn?
I wonder if I'll get extra points for already understanding their BS Replenishment process.

 

by ivytheplant
10-04-04
Ergh...sleep...
Hey! How was your first day of work at Wal-Mart?
Fine. I love being humiliated for eight hours straight as a career choice.
Does this mean you won't cook supper!?
I puked on mom's bed. The three of us will be conveniently hidden in the closet when she finds it.

 

by ivytheplant
10-05-04
Hi, my name is Ivy and I'm a Wal-Mart employee.
HI IVY!!
It's been just one day since my last shift...
*GASP!*
I want to quit, but...the money! I need the money! *sob!*
AWWW!

 

by ivytheplant
10-05-04
*Very Insignificant Peon
I discovered that no one notices if I am at work or not. The only proof of my existence is an entry in the timeclock.
That's sad.
I've decided to test the limits of my nonexistence.
Uhoh...
Behold the Ninja Employee! Able to slip under supervisor radar with cat-like ease!
I'm going to take bets on how long it takes you to get fired.

 

by ivytheplant
10-05-04
True story...
I need some information on my account.
Hold please...
Thanks.
o/^ Chicka chicka bow! Bow chicka chicka! o/^
If a pimp answers, I'm going to scream.
o/^ Eh eh bow bow! Chick! Chicka chi KA! o/^

 

by ivytheplant
10-05-04
Apparently I have superpowers.
Oh really?
Mr. Crankypants told me I'm home all the time even though the timeclock at work says differently.
Why does he think you're home all the time?
I figure he hears the cats frenzying and thinks it's me.
They always get you in trouble, don't they?

 

by ivytheplant
10-06-04
So what did you do to piss him off this time?
I started my laundry at midnight.
You bitch!
Yeah, silly me. Wanting to wash my dirty uniform between shifts. I would have done it tomorrow morning, but I have an early shift right after a night shift.
You'd better be careful or he's gonna bust yo ass!
He even threatened to call the police. I dared him to. I hope he does.

 

by ivytheplant
10-06-04
What in the world is this advisory letter for?
It's about the laundry incident. I'm putting one in all the mailboxes in the building.
It's a bit scathing.
I had to make my point.
http://ivytheplant.com/crap/ADVISORY.doc
Sadly, I don't think Crankypants would appreciate your subtleness.
I mostly did it for myself. I amuse me.

 

by ivytheplant
10-06-04
Hot men with power tools.
Mint chocolate chip ice cream.
"Comic Rodney Dangerfield dies in L.A. at age 82"
Why do I get no respect?
Because you SUCK!

 

by ivytheplant
10-07-04
I don't want to be a stockboy anymore. Can I transfer elsewhere?
Sure. Do you want to work in garden, men's clothing, or on the registers?
Garden.
Okay. Your pay is now a class higher. Is that okay?
If I say "no," what will happen.
Personally I'd send you to the state mental facility, but at this company, you'd probably get promoted to management.

 

by ivytheplant
10-07-04
What just happened?
The electricity went out because of the storm. We're closing til it comes on.
Sweet!
One hour later...
What are you doing?
The ninja employee has been exposed! And ironically, left the smoke bombs at home!

 

by ivytheplant
10-07-04
*Things People Think About And Secretly Wish To Talk To Someone Else About It But Will Never Admit It In Public.
What's wrong?
I'm sweating so much that the hair in my crack is chafing my asshole to the point of it bleeding.
Yeah, I hate it when that happens to me.
...
What?
ARGH!! I didn't want to know that!!

 

by ivytheplant
10-07-04
*Things People Think About And Secretly Wish To Talk To Someone Else About It But Will Never Admit It In Public.
Man, this weather is driving me bananas.
Oh I know! My crotch is sweating like crazy!
Wearing a skirt isn't any better. I'm sweating so much that I'm leaving a slime trail.
I can't keep my stupid pads attached to my underwear. I'm pondering wearing that granny disposable underwear.
Damn, that's a great idea.
There's a sale at the dollar store. Let's go.

 

by ivytheplant
10-07-04
Back from the daily grind, eh? How was it?
Well, they made me replace these signs: http://ivytheplant.com /images/oldsign.jpg
With these signs: http://ivytheplant.com /images/newsign.jpg
Wow. Busywork.
Well, you have the rest of your life to do it over and over. Have fun.
That reminds me, it's time we discussed rent...

 

by ivytheplant
10-08-04
I wonder why my parents didn't like you.
Maybe they were afraid I was going to kidnap you to some exotic tropical island and ravage you for the rest of our days.
Could be the mustache.
I am NOT shaving it!

 

by ivytheplant
10-08-04
What the hell happened in here?
ACK! What are you doing home so early?
I never left. I have today off.
Oh crap.
"Oh crap" indeed. Now are you going to clean the kitchen or am I going to have to call mom?
Cleaning!

 

by ivytheplant
10-09-04
When I'm wearing my blue vest and badge, I am invisible to other employees.
Yo. Hello? I need to put an Xbox on layaway?
La dee dah...
However, when the vest and badge comes off, I couldn't be more visible if I was glowing.
Xbox. Layaway. Now!
Certainly! And is there anything else I can help you with?
This of course gives me many evil ideas.
Foolish mortal. Leaving your keys unattended...

 

by ivytheplant
10-09-04
Wal-Mart is a cult. I am thoroughly convinced of this.
These are our Three Basic Beliefs. I want you to memorize and practice them every day.
Is there any asperging involved?
No other store has a shrine in the breakroom to the founder. No one knows or cares who founded KMart, Target, or Venture.
Always remember to practice servant leadership. It's what Mr. Sam wants of us.
*coughoxymoroncough*
The minute I hear someone talk about "Mr. Sam's" second coming, I'm going to call the FBI. Specifically the ones who did Waco.
When Mr. Sam returns to this plane of existence, He will reward the faithful with even more low prices!
Mulder!

 

by ivytheplant
10-09-04
I have been fortunate enough to miss every single daily meeting.
All available associates to layaway for a daily meeting!
With a customer!
Usually by being unavailable, sometimes just plain hiding.
All available associates to layaway for a daily meeting!
Box fort to the rescue!
Cat willing, I will never be forced to do the Wal-Mart cheer.
Give me a W! Give me an A! Give me an L! Give me a Squiggly! Give me an M! Give me an A! Give me an R! Give me a T! What's that spell? Wal-Mart! Who's number one? The Customer! Always!
Try to give me a squiggly and I'll give you a boot up your ass!

 

by ivytheplant
10-10-04

 

by ivytheplant
10-10-04
I'm now a member of the promotional committe.
What does that mean?
Whenever the employees have to wear something stupid, I'll get blamed.
You put things in the suggestion box, didn't you?
I still don't know why I accepted, but when I did, I felt my soul leave my body.
I wondered why it was hiding under the couch all afternoon.

 

by ivytheplant
10-10-04
Pack your bags! We have to get out of here!
What did you do?
I found out in the next fiscal year, Wal-Mart will be opening 40-45 new discount stores, 240-250 new supercenters, 30-40 new Sams clubs, 155-165 new international stores, and 6 distribution centers!
There's no place on Earth that's safe. We gotta leave the planet!
Won't work. I hear they already have a contract with Alpha Centauri.
I have a feeling there's even a Wal-Mart in the afterlife.

 

by ivytheplant
10-10-04
I read some of your comics today.
You read my comics?
Oh yeah. I especially like the ones you do about your family!
*faint*
Later...
[saving comic...]
Mwah ha ha ha haaaa!

 

by ivytheplant
10-10-04
I just found out I had my one-year anniversary at StripCreator yesterday.
I should make a comic to celebrate.
[saving comic...]
Of course I was working my butt off at the Source of All Evil, so I didn't really notice. I guess I'll have a belated celebration.
I should probably also do something more interesting.
[accessing Anarchist's Cookbook...]
Now where did I put that C4?
Ivy, what are you putting under the propane tanks?
ACK! Nothing!

 

by ivytheplant
10-10-04
My nemesis, the life-size dancing Santa karaoke machine is at it again.
o/^ Ho ho ho! Jingle bells, jingle bells...o/^
Just you wait, fat boy! Soon the season will be over and you'll be forgotten!
His minions, the Grinch, Snowman, and Bear (also life-size dancing karaoke machines) were in on the torture.
o/^ Something something Mister Griiiiiiinch!o/^
Some cult icons should never be put into the mainstream. For the sanity of the people.
As if that wasn't enough, a couple set off all four at once and smilingly said:
"Don't you just love this time of year!?"
Come closer so I can strangle you with the cord coming out of Santa's backside.

 

by ivytheplant
10-10-04
Wandering around writing in a memopad makes me look busy.
Hey Ivy, ohhh...sorry!
Then his hands lovingly caressed her...
The virtual sponsor on the cashier training module belongs in a greasy diner rather than Wal-Mart.
*raspy voice from eons of smoking* Yo Charlie! Scrambled eggs and hashbrowns!
The narrator on the CBL module has some weird mechanical undertone. There's beeps and Borg-like buzzing.
{You love Wal-Mart. You worship Mr. Sam. Joins us. You will be assimilated.}
Must! Resist! Indoctrination!

 

by ivytheplant
10-10-04
1. Get to use the cool lifty thing.
PleeeeeeaaaAAAAsssE!
Not until you're licensed!
2. Discover the secrets of the security cameras.
So, uh *ahem* who's the poor sucker who has to watch aaaaall those security cameras? *hint hint*
No one knows. It's a state secret.
3. Avoid the daily meeting.
All available associates to layaway for a daily meeting!
Check one!

 

by ivytheplant
10-11-04
People always say Wal-Mart is bad, but there's so many benefits to working here! My sister-in-law has worked at a Wal-Mart for 18 years. She loves it so much!
Uhoh. Trouble!
She works in the grill and has won so many awards for giving out hot dogs and she went to Dallas this past year to the Big Convention and won all sorts of awards there.
Her inane chattering is causing my blood vessels to constrict in terror!
She was really proud of them and doesn't have to work with all the money she has, but she just loves the people so much! And that's what's really important because...
Medic!

 

by ivytheplant
10-11-04
Glad to be on your day off from Evil-Mart?
It's not so bad. Pay's decent, benefits are good, the work doesn't su--
I'm calling the FBI.
I'll get the deprogramming tapes.

 

by ivytheplant
10-11-04
Wal-Mart is dedicated to helping the community. Last year we raised over $53,000 to--
Actually that's wrong.
Excuse me?
$53,000 is from 2002. Last year, Wal-Mart only raised just over $13,000 and this year doesn't even have an entry.
I dub you Not A Team Player.
I'm heartbroken.

 

by ivytheplant
10-12-04
Just thought I should let you know, you've missed a couple days of your medication.
Oh I know. I'm saving it for tomorrow.
Um...
If I take more than one dose before I go to work, I'll be REALLY happy (and high) and therefore won't be as bothered by the soul-sucking environment.
They do random drug testing. You could get fired.
No chance. I have perpetual prescription. Legally high during work. Booyeah!

 

by ivytheplant
10-13-04
I don't tell you this enough, but you're the coolest person on the planet and I love you.
Is this something I should worry about?
Usually when she does that to us, it means she was watching another cat food commercial.
And this means...?
You'll probably get wet food tonight. If you share, I won't tell her that you hid her favorite jingly bracelet.

 

by ivytheplant
10-13-04
Spy on the daily meeting without being caught and forced to do the cheer.
Mwah ha ha ha haaa!
Give me a W!
Get electronic deposit canceled.
Crap. I knew I forgot something.
If it's our food, we'll shred you.
Refrain from mauling people who not only don't put things back, but toss them next to the hook the item normally hangs on.
Excuse me jackass...

 

by ivytheplant
10-13-04
1450 hours. Scariest Wal-Mart fan EVER! http://rants.lackofoxygen.net/walmart.html
Yep. I luv Wawall Mert!
Must...escape!
1500 hours. Nun spotted.
Maybe I should try a new career path...
1800 hours. Battled the most diabolical bolt EVER!
Ivy, why are you on the floor?
15 minutes of struggle, but I finally beat that bastard!

 

by ivytheplant
10-13-04
There's now Xmas music playing nonstop in the Garden Center.
Get in the spirit!
Could we at least wait until November?
Wal-Mart sells "Pizza Crispers."
I don't get it.
We don't pay you to "get it."
Never double dose on meds on an empty stomach.
Pretty colors!
Okay, urine test for you, young lady!

Showing page 15.

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